Five Quick Parenting Tips: How to serve your family without losing yourself.

Reclaim your time

It is easy to be swept up in caring for others. Families are busy and the demands on parents is constant. Sometimes the demands of others seem to steal the hours away from us - but it doesn't have to be that way. Here are five things you can do today to reclaim your time and better service your family without losing yourself. 

How to reclaim your time:

1. Be organized. Think of organization on a continuum. As a parent you must have flexibility to respond to others needs. At the same time you frequently have small batched of time you can utilize if you are organized. For example, can you sort the mail daily and respond without it piling up? This only worked for me when once I set aside stamps, envelopes, pen, return labels and my checkbook in a drawer together. Otherwise, I spent too much time each day looking for a pen. 

2. Don't distract yourself. It is easy to distract ourselves with screens whenever we can. When you finally have a minute to pause, take that minute to breathe and think, not just click and scroll.

3. Prioritize. Decide each week what is essential and what is ideal, then protect the essential and strive to incorporate the ideal. If it is essential that you pray for 5 minutes in the morning, protect that time. If it is essential that you hit the grocery store Monday morning or attend an important meeting then make it happen. If you really want to have coffee with a friend, schedule it, and build the rest of your time around that appointment. If you have to cancel, be sure to reschedule right away. Thinking wistfully about doing something won’t get you there. Take the small steps to make the important things happen.

4. Use your quiet time carefully. Separate your tasks into things you can do with others around (fold laundry, wash dishes), and things you need quiet time to do (read, pray, respond to calls or emails). Use your quiet time for the things that you do better or more efficiently when you are not distracted. Using your quiet time carefully enables you to be more present to your family when they want attention.

5. Work towards a simple routine. This helps your family to better anticipate when you are and are not available. My family knows I am awake at 6, but not responsive until I come downstairs closer to 645. They know I do my weekly planning on Sunday. They know I am usually in the kitchen from 5-630 each night looking for company and conversation. Even young children can learn the best time to come to you for snuggles or reading time or conversation based on your schedule not their impulses.

We all have just 24 hours in a day and we all have a responsibility to be better stewards of the time we are given. 

Being at home with the family can be personally taxing as the demands seem constant. With intentionality and purpose though you can still serve with love and devotion, and maintain some semblance of self and you grow through your vocation.  

“We must take all the care that God wishes to take about perfecting ourselves, 

and yet leave the care of arriving at perfection entirely to God” .

- St. Francis de Sales

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 Tips for a Happy Summer

We all want our kids to be happy, but as you enter into the summer months and have more contact with your children, I want to encourage you to help them learn and grow this summer by letting them be just a little unhappy.  

Sometimes we need a happiness reset. 

We have a tendency (called hedonic adaptation) to return to a happy-midpoint emotionally. This means that if we experience the same awesome event repeatedly, after a while it doesn't seem as awesome. We experience less pleasure from that same event. We then seek even greater pleasure to just feel the same level of happiness we felt before. A period of boredom, although generally not pleasant, will help your kids to more fully appreciate the fun parts of their day or week.  

Boredom has two components: low arousal and dissatisfaction. You can help your children to be more tolerant of boredom by building into your day times of low simulation (no screens, family prayer time, alone time), and by occasionally saying no to their requests.  Letting your children be bored is not the same thing as simply checking out and disengaging from them all day long. 

I am a huge supporter of planning and intentionality in family life. Each summer has looked dramatically different based on the kids' ages and our travel plans, but one thing that has helped is having some loose schedules posted in a central place. This can be a weekly or a daily schedule or both and I have examples in previous blogs (here and here). But I want to get you to think about providing structure when you create your schedule rather than over programming the children. Structure means having quiet time each day vs having a set time that they must read a specific book. Or building in some crafty creative time vs you planning and teaching a specific craft. When you schedule, you give them an idea for the flow of the day, you don't necessarily entertain them all day long. 

One area that is fairly structured in our home is meals. We typically have one wake up time and in previous years I make a decent breakfast for them. I do this because it will keep them from parading through the kitchen all morning and it gives them a good start. The key is consistency. Either make breakfast, or leave it up to them. But be consistent about it and provide some time frame for their meals. Breakfast 9ish,  lunch 12ish, snack 3ish and dinner 6ish works well for us. Getting everyone eating and sleeping in sync helps me escape the summer title of short-order-cook.

By providing a loose schedule, regular meal times, giving them a chance to be bored and saying no to their every demand, you all can have a happier healthier home this summer. If you have enjoyed these tips for a happy summer please share it with others!

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How to Stay Connected to Your Kids by Saying Yes

As I washed the dishes for the n-teeth time today I reminded myself that I was being intentional. We always said we wanted our home to be THE home where the kids wanted to gather.  

It is one reason why we happily accepted a families gift of a fooze-ball table, and why we made the kids bunk up in one room when they were little in order to leave another room as a hang-out space. 

It is why we make sure we always have frozen pizza, microwave popcorn, and loads of ramen in the pantry. 

It is why I try to make sure the bathrooms aren't totally disgusting, dirty socks don't constantly litter the couch, and the little kids stay out of the way of the big kids. 

I want our place to be a comfortable, welcoming, easy to be at home.

But it also requires that I say yes. I say yes to brining that extra mouth home to feed, even if it means adjusting my meal plan. It means I say yes to the cookie making and hot cocoa drinking and giggles in the living room, even though I am bone tired. It means I say yes when the team comes over for a polar-bear plunge after the game, even though there are a few more loads of towels to do now before bed. 

When you have tweens or teens, staying connected with them means opening your home and your heart to their friends as well. They move in packs. They live a collective life. As my college son returned home this month it was his friends who are picked him up at the airport, then come over for a welcome home dinner.

These peers are the ones who challenge them in friendship, who teach them about loyalty. They learn to keep a secret, stand up for and sacrifice their time and attention for each other. They learn about themselves when they share their life with others.  A good friend challenges your child to do and be better. 

Saying yes to our children's friends gives us a chance to see our children in a different role. We see them as confidant, leader, cheer leader, compadre. We get a different glimpse of what type of person they are growing to be. But we only see this when we say yes, and invite those friends into our family.

So say yes to your kids and their friends, even if it complicates things for you. Say yes and connect with them. Get to know their friends and draw deeper into relationship with them all. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Your Summer Sanity Saver

Summer vacation schedules are a must. 

That was the firm resolution I found in my heart when I awoke this morning. 

Loosely scripted routines for daily family life have been a sanity saver in summers past but I have let a lot of things slide recently; my beloved routines are one of them.

Routines are my biggest ally in the battle again the screens. 

I have fretted about screens and screen time since my oldest first picked up the remote many many years ago. Today’s earlier-than-normal awakening brought with it confidence that I need to clearly re-communicate expectations and be firm with TV time, iPad, and phone access. I need to reset my expectations for the younger children especially because they have different needs and different rules than the big in our home. Their brains are so sensitive to the good stimulation in our natural world, and (the far less-good) unnatural stimulation from the electronics. 

Neurologists are now reporting actual evidence of actual evolutionary changes occurring in the brains and skulls of young people in response to the dramatic increase in time spent on devices. 

In terms of actual amount of screen time, two hours a days seems generous to me, restrictive to the little ones, and impossible for the older ones. Yet whenever we tighten the rules on screens we are rewarded and their imaginations are unlocked. By making a schedule for your day and week, the child can see when they will have their beloved screens, but also know when they are expected to do other things. 

Making your own summer schedule isn’t hard. Start with your ideal bedtime and meal times. Add in quiet time/naps, activity/craft, errands, exercise (swimming, walks etc. based on your weather), free time & screen time.  Sketch it all out on paper and if your spouse is around ask for feedback/buy in. It only works when all the adults are on the same team. Don’t plan every moment, but rather chunks of 2-3 hours. 

If possible add in a weekly excursion: community pool, library, park, museum, zoo, play date. This way your child knows if they want to do something extra, there is room in the weekly schedule for it. Also consider including at the bottom some ideas for fun when they get bored: build something, write something, dream of something, sing something, explore something, make something for someone else. Lastly, build in some fun or relaxation for you too every day and try not to fill that time with chores. For more on making that practically happen read this post from a few years ago (here). 

Once you have it all well formed, draw it up on a big poster board or some art paper and post it where it is visible. When the kids get bored, they can reference the schedule and see that lunch is soon, or they can swim after nap time. It helps them build their patience and ability to wait for the fun.  One word of caution Don’t be a slave to your schedule, but rather use it as scaffolding for your day.  Be flexible and have fun. It is your summer vacation too after all! 

Thanks for stopping by!

PS - check out my Instagram (here) for our summer schedule this year

PPS- also check out these 10 tips (here) for summer success including a throw back to what our schedule looked like when the big ones were little. 

You Earned This

You earned this consequence. 

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks "but maaaaaaaammm this is soooooo unfaaaaaaair." Repeatedly we seem to be having the same conversation, or echoes of the same conversation. And inevitably it ends with me being unfair.

I whispered to my husband who sat quietly nearby pretending not to listen.

 

"Am I on track here?" 

"Yes".

I keep coming back to the notion that punishments are not arbitrarily dealt in our home. Consequences are not given - they are earned through behavior. They are a predictable response. When words fail to bring about the necessary correction, we reach a point where continuing to talk won’t suffice. 

There is a bit of cognitive behavioral theory at work here. The mind is both incredibly complicated and also fairly simple as well. When we offer a reward for certain behavior, we are encouraging that behavior. Similarly we can encourage a behavior by taking away some negative stimuli. When we take away a pleasurable thing, we are discouraging the behavior. By giving a punishment or painful response, we also discourage the behavior. 

It is important to talk about things, but talking doesn’t always change the behavior as desired. As parents, we need to exert the least about of force in order to elicit the proper response in the child, because ultimately we do want the child’s internal motivation for good to do most of the work. Their hedonistic tendencies and poor executive functioning means we sometimes need to step in and add some external motivators for behavior. All of this is happening in a time when we are striving to connect and relate to a loved one who is naturally pulling away from us and forming their own concepts of who they are. 

No doubt my daughter will remember this consequence into her adult years. With God’s grace she will remember it as the time when she realized mom and dad really meant what they said, and not remember it in some other distorted way. A parent’s words, promises, rules, and standards should be upheld. Children push, test, and stress those ideas to see if they will stand. Our job is to show them that we are reliable. We mean what we say. We are consistent and intentional about our parenting. We won’t be swayed when we are on the proper path. 

As My Oldest grabbed his keys and headed to the door for school he simply said, “You guys are doing the right thing. I still remember when you took away my play station for a month”.

I don’t feel great about the situation. Although I have peace, my heart hurts that her heart is hurting. I know I would feel guilt if I just let her off the hook. My job is to help her grow, not to coddle her, lower our standards, and let her be the comfortable version of herself. I want her to be the best version of herself, which requires hard work and perseverance. 

Raising teens is hard. I am finding more and more with my daughters especially that I need to keep praying for spiritual detachment. I cannot parent them with the primary goal of receiving their love and affection. That is both ineffective and disordered. I must parent them with the goal of helping them and myself to grow in goodness. 

Holiness is the objective, not friendship. 

For more on motivation theory and how it can help inform your parenting practices read this post (here). 

Fostering Imagination

We took a little field trip this month to the Pioneer Village. In previous years, the trip was a standard in the school field trip cycle, but never been a family favorite. I was curious as to why it failed to please because the website looks amazing. I gathered my daughter and a friend, packed lunches, and headed west.

Our trip did little to clear up why it was listed at the bottom of the list. This year the girls had an absolute blast. They performed a little show on the stage in the Opera House, counted money and learned how to use a scale to measure gold at the bank, talked to the carpenter about the tools he used, tried to pump water up by the mines, learned about chamber pots, talked on a phone in the old phone booths, and pretended to be 'wanted'.  

As I watched them taking turns being the banker, I marveled at their ability to step back into time and take on different characters. 

They loved the pretend play and to use their ability to put themselves roles and be completely in the moment together. 

Our children have really suffered lately in their opportunities for social interaction, and because of this, make-believe play may take on an even greater role in children's social development. 

We know from decades of research that free play or make-believe play is vital for children's normal development because it provides a forum for the expression of a multitude of skills including decision making, persistence, creativity,  and learning in general. This practice does seem to transfer to real life situations (unlike the skills that are practiced online, or in video game type virtual scenarios). Rather than learning to respond as one does in online play, make-believe play fosters a greater depth of creativity. Make-believe play is also associated with increased capacity of self-steering which in turn is foundational for mental flexibility, intrinsic motivation, and internal locus of control. 

Spontaneous self-initiated play is a normal developmental skill that we should encourage. If you want your 2 - 9 year old to be a creative thinker, motivated internally with confidence that their actions make a difference in the world, you need to unplug the TV, turn off the WiFi, and give them some wooden blocks, a box of dress up clothes, a chance to play the role of chef or scientist in the kitchen. Or maybe just send them outside to build a fort and figure it out. 

The little ones and I had such a great time playing at the Pioneer Village, I finally asked my older kids why they had found it boring. As we discussed it, the answer became clear. They experienced the field trip when they were too old. The curriculum and field trip topics over lapped, so of course it seemed like a good fit. In reality, the students at this age had moved out of make-believe play. Instead of stepping back into time, the middle school students were irritated by the dust, thought the talks were boring, and had no interest in role playing. 

If you have little ones in your care, encourage their imaginative play in any way you can. Take them on the fun excursions, get them the dress up clothes, and stoke their imaginations. The time will come when they put the costume box aside and use their imagination in different ways perhaps, through music or writing or art. If you have an older child who balks at pretend play, seek different ways to engage his or her imagination. Buy him or her a sketch pad and nice pencils and look for some online tutorials or check out a library book about drawing. As in most areas of parenting, finding the right developmental fit it key for growth in imagination. 

Imagination is more important than Knowledge. 

Knowledge is limited. 

Imagination encircles the world. 

- Albert Einstein

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How to Celebrate a COVID Safe Birthday

We employ a risk-reward assessment every time we leave the home, or welcome someone into our home, as all of our interactions are laced with risk. Some of us have contact with the elderly, others do not. Some of us are working outside the home, others are not. Some of us are caring for COVID patients or in a high-risk occupation, and others are not. Some of us are as risk for complications, and others are not. Some of us face mental health challenges that are exacerbated by isolation, others do not. Each family is left to determine its own comfort level largely depending on our circumstances. As we come closer to marking an entire year of this pandemic, those of us caring for children have begun to worry not just about the physical risk of COVID, but also the larger social and emotional consequences of a continued life of social isolation. When it comes to a birthday, or special moment in our life, we feel the isolation even greater.  

There is an intensification of emotions around important dates, and as parents, we want to honor and celebrate each of our children in a special way. As the pandemic emerged and shut down orders were put into place, many turned to drive-through or drive-by birthdays. Cars were decorated, signs were made, contact-less gift drop offs and party-favor pick ups were created. We spent more time driving to the home than we did interacting with the birthday boy or girl, but the efforts were appreciated. We were happy to do something in a time when we were scared to do anything. It was a very temporary solution to larger problem that we hoped would go away quickly.

This month we will complete a year of my family's COVID birthdays, and we chose to mark the occasion with the safest in-person social gathering possible. Our birthday girl no longer has a classroom or recess with friends, and she is starved for social interaction with peers. The best gift we could give her was a little party circa 2019, with some minor modifications too keep everyone a little bit safer. 

Here are our tips for how to safely celebrate without taking way any joy of the day. 

* Celebrate with a small group. Pre-pandemic it was common place for children to invite their favorite friends, cousins, neighbors, and teammates over to celebrate together. It frequently made for a stressed out host who was pulled in different directions, and some awkward time for the guests who didn't know each other. With the creation of pandemic pods, we have the benefit of being encouraged to celebrate in smaller, more naturally occurring groups. One of my sons had a few classmates over for some food, volleyball, and bike riding. One daughter opted to gather with soccer teammates at the park for pizza and a scavenger hunt. Another invited her cousin over for swimming and a high tea. If you are limiting the gathering it to children from a small group, let the other families know. It will increase their likelihood of attending. "The only guests in attendance will be ____ teammates, and we will not be entertaining other friends and family at the party". 

There is beauty in sharing the special day in a more intimate way, according to your own comfort level. 

*Celebrate outdoors. Not all climates make this possible. In summer, here in the desert heat we are either forced indoors or into a pool. Find a park if your yard isn't ideal. The best part is that you won't have to clean your house if you keep everyone outside. 

*Plan activities that keep the children spread out as much as possible. Snuggling up to watch a movie and share a bag or popcorn is probably not a good idea. Putting a TV screen outside and having kids set up in their own sleeping bags, with individual bags of smart pop is maybe a better option. Playing a game of twister in the living room, maybe not so good. Doing a scavenger hunt in teams of two, or completing an obstacle course at the park is maybe a better choice. 

*Keep foods simple and in single servings. Individual bags of chips, little juice boxes, disposable water bottles, cupcakes not cake. And remind the birthday kid not to blow all over the other cupcakes when she/he blows out the candles.

*Use disposable as much as possible. Yes, you have permission to throw everything away. 

*Kick the parents out. Parents are more likely than children to be spreaders and the more people present, the bigger the risk. If your children are closing in on their double digits, a drop off party is usually preferred by by all anyhow. "We invite you to drop your daughter off for a few hours of birthday fun at the park"  is a nice way to make it clear that you don't want the parents to hang around.

*Limit the time. Traditionally two hours is plenty to time for socializing, a game or two, food, cake, and presents. Depending on the activity level and age of the children, you may be able to even shorten that. The longer the party the greater the risk. 

*Delay. If you still aren't comfortable with a gathering now, consider celebrating a 1/2 birthday in 6 months. Maybe you and your birthday child can spend some time on the actual birthday planning; create a budget, make a guest list, plan the foods and special theme. Give your child something to look forward. 

*Do something new and special. Put together a little photo or video slide show of your child or do a little birthday trivia game all about the special birthday child. 

*Remind your loved ones of the special day. People have so much on their minds it is easy to let a special day go unnoticed. Send your family a reminder a few days before, and then if needed, on the special day as well. In past years, your child probably got well wishes all day long from friends, teachers and classmates. He might not have cared if Uncle Bob remembered his special day in previous years, but it is more important now as our social interactions have been reduced. Invite loved ones to send a little video clip with happy birthday wish for your child. That will be much more meaningful than a simple text message. 

*Decorate your home. Put up some streamer or a banner, and wrap the gifts ahead of time to put them on 'display'. Put a special birthday tablecloth on the table with some balloons or flowers. Visual things are important. If the birthday isn't being celebrated as it has been traditionally, think about some fun way to celebrate visually with decorations. 

There are plenty of ways to celebrate your child's special day. For a year now we have all faced disappointment with canceled plans and delayed starts. With some careful planning you can still make this birthday, a day to remember fondly. 

Thanks for stoping by!

Choosing the Right Schooling During a Pandemic

My regular blog readers & podcast listeners know that my goal is to take research on child development and education, and translate it into workable parenting practices for you to implement in your family life.
With my background in Educational Psychology and the return to school looming, I am getting messages now asking what I am doing with my four kids who are split between two schools.

My first response is

“What I do isn’t necessarily best for you”.

That said, the thought process I used to get to my decision may be helpful to many. 

1) List all of your options.

What is actually possible? If you have employment demands and cannot physically handle anything other than sending your children to school, then your decision is made. But if you have flexibility in your decision making and schedule, read on.

2) Stability is important.  

Is one educational option going to provide more consistency (even if us isn’t ideal) if cases get worse or better in your area? Is your school a cherished part of your family's community? Are they working to ensure a continuity of learning throughout the year?

3) Age matters. 

Older children are better able to follow recommendations, and are also more likely to have the ability to keep things in perspective. AAP recommends masks in school for children middle school age and older. The CDC suggests dividers or partitions, desks 6 feet apart, and closing communal spaces. 

Older children will adapt to the changes at school more easily; they will ignore the itchy nose and just get on with it. Many will be thrilled to finally be with their teen-tribe again. They are less likely to care if the teacher is behind a video screen or plexiglass partition.

Younger children need close contact with a teacher. They are less likely to comply with good hand washing (when mom isn’t around), or with proper mask wearing.

4) Think worse case scenario.  

Does the education plan have adequate flexibility? Does it allow for changes in scenarios when someone has to quarantine or if the teacher gets sick? What are the expectations if a family member is sick? Does everyone in the house stay home? How is sick-time or quarantined time instruction handled?

Is the primary plan by your school realistic for your family? What are your alternate options? Could you distance learn via the public school system? What is your local private school doing? Could you manage home-schooling for a year with actual homeschool curriculum, rather than 8-3 on a screen watching a class from home? Could an online academy work for you? Are there various options that may work for your different children based on their own learning and comfort needs.

5) Look for the best fit for each child and for you as well. 

I have always said that educational options need to be adapted to the children’s needs. Just because something worked for one child, it doesn’t mean it will be the best fit for them all. This is true now more than ever before. 

That said, limiting your contact with others is still going to be important. If you have children at 4 different schools, that is potentially 4 different contamination locations, 4 different schedules, 4 different sets of rules/procedures. Recognize the complexity in that model and consider whether it is really required. Could you simplify here and still meet their needs just as well? Could you homeschool some and send others to a classroom setting? Maybe you let some distance learn and do an online academy with another?

Be careful, be thoughtful, be prayerful. Many of us do have lots of options, even if we don’t like the options! You need to find what will work best for your children and your family life, but with prayerful intentionality I am sure you will devise the best approach.

This is a rough time to be a child and to be a parent, but we will get through it together. Thanks for stopping by!

Pandemic Parenting: How are my kids going to remember this time?

This question is a little haunting to those of us with kids old enough to form deep and lasting memories. Are these events of our time going to be catalysts for life changing, personality influencing, lasting effects on the psyche? Will our kids look back at this spring and reminisce like they do about a fun vacation or a failed camping trip? Will there be jokes about your sourdough starter? Will it influence their choice in occupation? 

The answer is complicated, and largely unknown because we still don’t know yet how long this will last or what the large societal ripple effects will be. 

It also will depend on the family as well and how each family is coping with the circumstances. We all know families that have been furloughed, lost jobs, seen dramatic increases in work hours, and everything in between. Each family will experience this differently because their circumstances are different. 

Are their universals in how our kids remember this? Will there be what Developmental scientists call Cohort effects? 

How to be a good mother in 5 sort of easy steps

How to Be A Good Mother...

According to our pastor, being a good mother really isn't that hard.

And as much as I have to laugh at the suggestion that parenting is easy, he made enough points that I started to take notes. With his permission I have summarized and compressed and paraphrased and added to put together a join list of 5 sort of easy things you need to do to be a good mom.

1. Consecrate our child to God.  Baptism is the first step here. We should consecrate our babies to God and bring them in communion with God and His Church.

2. Give your child Jesus. My Pastor brought up of the old adage "you can't give what you don't have".  Mothers should be setting aside time to develop their own personal relationships with Jesus so that this can act as a model for normal living. Just as you may give them an appreciation for sports, or art, or music, or literature, you too can give them Jesus.

3. Be sacrificial in your mothering.  Serve with love - not begrudgingly. Don't hang on to the past or worry about the future - just give what you have to give. My father used to say "if you don't go to bed tired, your didn't do enough".  Never is that more true that with mothering. Somedays it feels like we don't do enough, yet we go to bed (and some mornings wake up) exhausted. Motherhood is a sacrifice and we often have to do things that we dont want to do... but we know we are going to do them anyway so put a smile on your face and take a deep breathe and bring God in to your moment to moment acts of service.

4. Pray for your child. At all stages in their lives. And don't stop praying.

5. Bless your child. Numbers 6:22-27 instructs the israelites how exactly to bless their children and we have adopted it as our bedtime blessing.

The Lord bless you and keep you!

The Lord let his face shine upon 

you, and be gracious to you!

The Lord look upon you kindly and 

give you peace!

So shall they invoke my name upon the Israelites, 

and I will bless them.

It gets a little awkward now that my oldest is bigger than me, but I still try to bless him at every opportunity.

Too often, we moms set ourselves an impossibly high bar. Our kids have to be the smartest, prettiest, most polite, most creative, and most athletic or we have failed. Our measure of motherhood shouldn't hang on the snippets of our children's behaviors, but rather should focus on what we are doing in these five areas. Beyond that we have to let go. Our children have free will. All we can do is love them, keep them relatively safe and well fed, and give their spiritual life a firm foundation so that they can develop a relationship with Christ.  Now doesn't that seem easy?

What Your Kids Wished You Knew About Gaming

The World Health Organization just declared that video game addiction is an actual mental disorder,  leading all the talking heads to pontificate about video games. Of course many of those talking about the issue, and calling into the shows, and writing the reports don't actually have children with video games, they don't allow their teens to have cell phones, and they are years removed from the rapidly changing culture in which our children are growing.  Yes, video games are addictive. I am not going to argue that here. My problem is the public outcry for responsible parents to ban video games, and the lack of an educated discussion among and with parents who actually have gaming systems in their homes.

I hate video games. Let me just get that way out in the open. I have not-so-fond memories of spending hours on my boyfriend's couch watching him try to beat another level of Sonic the Hedgehog. Good Grief.  No, I didn't marry him.

That said, we have two gaming systems in our home, I can tell you where the 3 closest GameStop stores are, and my eldest son is determined that when he is of age he will get a job at one of them. 

We have allowed video games into our home. We do not think they are inherently evil.  We recognize that there are some social and maybe even emotional benefits to having them around. 

Video games are different now. Most adults focus on how realistic the games are, or the action and blood and gore. In reality the biggest difference between now and then, is how they are played. Most systems now allow for only one player on one unit at one time. That means that the only way kids can play with their friends is by connecting on-line, or by bringing over your whole playstation and TV to set up at your friends house. My two boys therefore can only play the same game while sitting in different rooms. If they plan on playing with friends on a Saturday night they won't all get together at one boy's home to play - they will all connect online. They will talk to each other through the headsets, sneak up on one another on the screen, play jokes on each other, laugh and harass just like boys do. But they do this all on-line. They put together strikes and assign roles and carry out elaborate missions all from their own bedrooms. When they mess up they apologize, they harass again, they tease and laugh and they move on. The video games are ways to just hang out. My son can have his gaming unit turned on and he can be playing one game, while talking to a friend through the headset who is playing another game. Video games are in some ways the neighborhood park of yesteryear. People who say "just don't let the play online don't understand". 

Some of you may be lamenting the days when boys used to wander the neighborhood tipping over trash cans and playing stickball in the park. Okay. I get it. That sounds great. But it isn't today's reality. Boys who are not connected online with the video games miss out on a opportunity to bond with their friends in some neat ways, and not just throughout the action of the games, but through the time spent just chatting. In a world where teens are increasingly loosing the art of verbal communication, I see the headset banter and chatting as a real opportunity for my sons to continue to develop some of those skills that are harder to come by in an "I will just text him" culture. 

But what about this link between depression and gaming. There have been some reports of the association between depression and gaming. Gaming can help children who struggle with feelings of powerlessness and have an external locus of control. Jr. high children almost universally struggle with the self-regulation of feelings. It is one thing that makes them so enduring and so difficult. The emotional highs and low and confusion over feelings can be overwhelming for parent and child alike. When kids are down for NO reason, playing a round of video games can give them a boost. It gives them an opportunity to be successful and work towards mastering a skill while doing something that they really like. Much in the way that sitting down to practice and then master a piece of sheet music, or practice a physical skill towards mastery. But the successes come faster and it can be done rain or shine. When children are faced with serious depression, rather than just moody blues, they need to seek help. 

In small doses, with clear guidelines for usage, video games can be a tool to help children navigate some of the hormonal lows and social awkwardness of the middle school and junior high years.

But what about the addiction stuff? Yes, video games can be addictive. Some games are actually created so that you can not stop the "raid" until it is over (and there are no time indicators), or you will be penalized and be unable to go on missions of that type in the future. Some video games give you extra points if you check into the game frequently. Some have new down loads each week to keep you interested and active. Yes, they can be addictive and they are designed to keep people playing. Guess what else can be addictive? 

Jigsaw puzzles. 

Netflix. 

Legos.  

A really good novel. 

Chocolate. 

Soccer.

Television.

And these are just the addictions we struggle with in our home.  My oldest son spent his preschool years obsessed with pirates. He had a pirate birthday party three years in a row. One of my daughters is currently obsessed with Horses.  I think one of my sons may still be secretly obsessed with ninjas. 

We live in a world filled with fabulous things and Yes, we battle with our boys over their video game usage and screen time. We have tried a variety of strategies that work at various ages to various degrees. Now they are learning to monitor their own video game usage with our guidance, and we are battling with the over binge-watching dumb shows on Netflix. There will always be some battle - That is just parenting.

It is our job to take those battles on and help our children to grow. Kids need boundaries to help them grow in self-control, and parents need to move those boundaries based on the children's growing competencies. We have had success in the past with a M-Th ban on electronics. We have been able to lift that now because the boys have shown self control with their usage, and because they are less apt to binge on the weekend when they can have little snippets of gaming during the week. We instituted the no-more-than-2 hours-screen time rule each day for many years in our home and have that rule with our younger children as well. We have a A/B only rule for grades and lower than a B leads to no screen time at all. All chores and homework has to be done before anything goes on. 

Now we are intentionally trying to help our older children work towards self-master their usage of screen time, while still being sticklers with the little ones. Some days we do well other days we do not. We had a rough spell when all the boys wanted to do was play video games (or soccer - always soccer) and we got through that. Luckily my children have a lot interests, they just sometimes need to be encouraged to pursue those other interests as well. 

You need to find what works and then adjust as your children grow in age and competency. The rules may be different for the 15 year old than they are for the 5 year old and that is not just okay - that is great. The reality is that children are going to grow into adults who are surrounded by technology. My job as a parent is to protect them yes, but also to help them grown in competencies. Banning video games from my home will not achieve that goal. Helping them to self-regulate, the self-monitor their time, to have a variety of interests, and to have healthy social relationships, those are all things that will help them to grow into competent individuals. 

Listening for God's Call... Keeping our children's hearts open to vocational life

I love God with all my 

heart, mind, & soul...

yet I don't always 

respond to His call.

My children don't even listen to me... 

how do I help them 

develop the ability 

to listen to God's call?  

If I want to ensure that my children are open to vocational life, then (according to a favorite priest of mine), there are two things I need to do make sure my kids know:

1) God will call them at some time

2) They need to be ready and willing 

to answer with courage to God's call

It is fine to tell my children this on a regular basis, but how do I help them to internalize these two truths?  

* Pray the If. When we pray, we pray for their future spouse IF they are called to the vocation of marriage. By actually saying "if they are called to the vocation of marriage", we make clear that our expectation is not that they grown up, get married, have children. We are leaving open the reality that they may be called to be a Bride/Bridegroom to the Church, and that would be great too.

* Priests are people too. We try to develop personal/family relationships with priests and sisters in our community so that our children can come to see these men and woman as people, not just clergy. This can be really really hard in some communities! For those of us who don't ourselves have personal relationships with those who have been called to Holy Order it can seem impossible.  I recommend baby steps. If you don't click with your parish priests, look for a community of religious who have a vocation of evangelization or outreach in your area. Explore a little. Listen to podcasts like Catholic Stuff You Should Know and share them with your teens. The priests are hilarious, personable, and well informed. 

* Plan a little and pray a lot. We try not to plan out our child's entire life, nor do we encourage them to plan their entire life. My husband holds two masters degrees, and I hold both a masters and a doctorate degree. We obviously worked hard in school and planned ahead taking all the requisite courses. However, when my son's Jr High announced that they would offer college planning for the young students I balked. There is a season for everything and in childhood I want my child to be a child.  I want my child to do what is right - work hard, take interesting courses, explore, dream, play, volunteer. I want him to experience childhood as something more than a stepping stone to prepare him for the next phase of life. Jr. High is hard enough without having to worry about college applications and accumulating the right accolades before high school. There are saints like St. Therese who were called to religious life early, but most 12 year olds aren't listening. By setting our child up for life as an engineer (so make sure you take AP math and do the robotics club and the summer science camp!), we are sending the message that our child's will (to be an engineer) is the will which we should be facilitating, rather than facilitating the will of God for our child. 

My job as a mother is to help facilitate my child's call to holiness. Sometimes this involves helping him get to soccer practice (where he learns perseverance and teamwork and pushing beyond his own temporal needs for the greater good), and sometimes it means making him attend mass or adoration when he would rather not. It means helping him attune his ear to God. It means helping him develop a prayer life. It means switching things up and letting him drop out of youth group and instead join an apologetics club because it is a better fit for the way his mind operates. It means letting him choose his own service project instead of making him do one that I think looks fun/is easy/fits my schedule. Facilitating my child's call to holiness means recognizing the unique gifts he has been endowed with and helping him develop and expand those talents.  It means helping him to see the possibilities of life without making him choose his path before he has developed the ability to hear God's whisperings. 

Who knew being a parent would be this hard or this rewarding? Looking at parenthood from a stewardship approach can help as we really embrace the role of being stewards of their lives rather than as directors. May you continue to listen to our Lord and serve as an example to your little ones!

One-on-One: Making the most of the moments

A few years ago I found myself in 'parenting' conversation with a stranger. Her children were older than mine by about 10 years and she was telling me about The 12-Year Trip.  She and her husband took each child, at age 12, on a vacation of their choosing.  Beyond the fabulousness of being able to pay for that (cha-ching!), I found myself thinking of all the great places my little ones may choose.  My husband, the realist, decided that was a little extravagant for our family.  "Besides if we have money to do that let's just take a trip alone". Which we did (read about it here). And it was awesome.




I didn't, however, forget the notion of The 12-Year Trip, and when I found out that a trip to Las Vegas was going to be necessary for my son's soccer team I admit I was probably as excited as he was.  Although it has been a pretty good year for us, the idea of getting him to myself for three nights was really attractive.  I generally attend all his games, but I usually have his sisters (and sometime brother too) on the sidelines. The idea of a weekend 1:1 interspersed with soccer and food and some Las Vegas shenanigans was pretty cool.

Seriously who looks more excited?

One-on-one all my kids are fabulous, but as a crowd they can be a little much at times even for their mother. Just sayin' what we all feel. As a family we do what we can to steal away 1:1 time with the kids. My husband does daddy dates with the girls.  He also coaches JR's team now and they get lots of time away together.  He drives the carpool for Anthony's team giving him a chance to debrief each week as well.

I take lunch to the kids at school once a week. Their lunch times are back-to-back and I can sit at their table, share the meal and chat with them and their buddies.  If we want we can take the meal outside and sit alone which we do about 1/2 the time.

When Anthony left our parish school and started attending the local charter school, I lost my lunch time with him. We still have plenty of time together in the car, but often he is doing homework and his sisters are almost always around. He is up later than his siblings so we still get more time alone with him, but I am usually exhausted then.  As he grows physically in stature I am faced with a a physical reminder of the reality that my time with him is limited.  I feel as though I am going to blink and the next thing I know I will be packing his bags for college.

With this in mind, his soccer trip became OUR soccer trip and I planned out some great fun for the two of us.  We ate at the buffet, he rode his first roller coaster, he played soccer, rested, played more soccer and ate more fabulous food. We were able to do what we wanted without negotiating the desires of four other people and I was able to appreciate a kick-back attitude that I rarely notice at home.  As the eldest he is full of opinions on how we parents his siblings and we were able to talk those through just the two of us. I pushed him though his fear and made him ride his first REAL roller-coaster.  We found an amazing patio overlooking the strip for our last dinner in town and we had a wonderful meal with his coach's family.  I goofed up on directions (I zigged when we should have zagged) and we wandered and wondered and just had fun together.  For the first time, my son really experienced a real vacation- not just a family trip.

Taking him on this trip solidified something between us.  He is on my side now in a really cool way and I am appreciating it as long as it lasts.  Our time together let him see my humanity in a way that I don't think he sees often enough at home.  At home I am the cook, the cleaner (sometimes), the taxi driver, the shopper, the babysitter... I fill a number of roles and responsibility. This trip gave him a chance to see me aside from all of those roles and I was just me. I laughed, I loved, I supported, I ate, I wandered, I was easygoing. I didn't have to wipe noses or cut up food or worry about nap times or doctor appointment.  I could have a glass of wine and watch a football game with my son and just hang out. I could venture out for a morning cup of coffee and to his delight bring back a bagel for him to nosh on in bed.

One-on-one time with your growing ones is a beautiful gift.  As they get older that 1:1 time becomes ever more important because they are able to pay attention to who you actually are when you are not being pulled in 100 different directions.  Being a middle-child, I don't remember getting good 1:1 time with my parents until I got married, had a child, and moved away. They came to visit and it really was the first time I had more than a few hours alone with them. I cherish those days we had together and I hope Anthony remembers this trip and all of our special moments together.

How can you carve our special moments with each child? What special memories do you have of 1:1 time with your parents?

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Survive the Seasons of Motherhood: Redefining Your Normal

When my firstborn was about 6 weeks old, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.  I was on the phone with a friend who had two older kids.  She had just told me I wouldn't ever sleep again.  I was ToTheBoneTired, and maybe without thinking I had asked "but how much longer before I get some sleep?".  I was really glad she was so honest with me though because it helped me realize something.

I had to stop trying to reclaim my past life and instead I needed to redefine my normal. 

I thought I had hit my groove a few years ago. With each child I had adapted and been able to keep up well enough.  I was mothering three little-ish ones, was able to make dinner most nights, founded/ran a pretty decent mothers group at our parish (read more here). I was in a neighborhood bunko group, had a cool book club, went to MOPS, and managed to work in a date night as frequently as we could find a babysitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I had it really good. I was able to duck away about one night a week for 'me time', get to the gym regularly during the day for a little break and shower, and even have a regular lunch with friends (and our kids) on occasion. 

I mistakenly assumed that this was what motherhood was going to be like forever.  The advent of our little Anna changed everything, but honestly it would have changed even if I hadn't had her.  I had just turned over leadership of my mom's ministry and helped create a new ministry for women at our parish. My new baby showed me I really could only have 'one baby' so I backed out leadership there too.  My bunco group conflicted with the boys sports, my book club just wasn't worth all the hassle.  Lunches out became too much of a struggle with a gaggle of kiddos and the expense of feeding two growing boys made it extravagant even when they were well behaved. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

So I have to redefine normal again. Normal is no longer taking care of the family and filling the spare time with stuff that I love doing.  It is no longer taking a shower every day or grabbing lunch with a friend.  


It is school projects and soccer/dance/gymnastics/piano, homework and groceries. And laundry laundry laundry. I have become a TwoCart Costco shopper and nothing that is easy before seems easy anymore.  

It is as if my 24 hour day has been slowly shorted.  Just a few minutes each day.  Like my LifeClock is fast and I always think I have more time, but each day I have just a little less.

So I sleep less, I wash my hair less, I shop less (unless it is for food or done online), I make more lists, I exercise when I can (usually with children or dog in tow), and it takes me forever to finish a book. I find ways to volunteer that are short-term, low risk, and low stress, and most importantly done as a team with people I love. I write when I can and try not to stress about the weeks that have gone by since my last blog post. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

My challenge at this stage is recognize that this too is a stage, and find the beauty in the chaos. My time of having one child in Jr.High, one in Preschool, and two in between will be short.  Even though we aren't able to have more kids (more about that here), I recognize that I will need to stay open and maybe even embrace the changes that come with family life. Six years from now (God willing) I will only have 3 kids to tuck in at night.  It is a scary thought but at the same time comforting, because I know that there is no way I can maintain this pace for more than a few years. But I don't have too, because it is just a season. 

Whatever your season in Motherhood, embrace it sister. Don't stress about it. Realize it is the normal for this time, today and tomorrow, but your normal will evolve into something new.  Embrace the challenge and know that you will grow into the newness. The newness brings opportunity to grow, to grow in Faith, to grow in virtue, ultimately to grow in Motherhood. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last

The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  

I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  

You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?

Boy's Adventure Race

A few months ago, before school got out and the heat set in, Anthony was invited to a Boy's Adventure Race.  Adventure is something that we seem to be lacking in our family.  Growing up we had a healthy dose of it.  My family's our chosen summer vacation each year was Lake Powell. We would spend hours swimming, hiking, exploring the canyons and generally just relaxing in God's Big Playground.  We didn't do this in an opulent houseboat.  We camped on the beach, got sand in everything, hunkered down and held onto the tentpoles in the monsoon storms, and watched the waves and weather before heading out in my dad's little boat.  They were character-building experiences. When we weren't at the lake, we were camping at remote spots in the woods - replete with bears and snakes and spiders oh my. The beauty of His world and the danger posed by nature were two realities that was clearly evident my early years whenever we would venture out. 

This is not something that my kids have experienced much.  I married an amazing man who is not fond of the outdoors.  We don't own a cooking stove, although I think we probably have a tent somewhere in the garage. Sharing a sense of adventure with my kids therefore has been a bit more of a challenge, particularly since I would rather sleep on a bed of feathers than a bed of pine needles.  I have taken the kids camping a few times with my family, and they boys went with my brother this summer, but other than that they have been a bit lacking in the adventure department. So when I got the invitation for Evan to join a friend's team I responded yes without even asking him.

Surviving your child's puberty without becoming an alcoholic

Hello. My name is Dr Mom and I am the mother of a man-child.

I really think there should be a support group for mothers of pubescent children.  And maybe one for the kids too but school serves that purpose well enough.

I am just a few weeks into summer break and I need a break.  And so does he.  Aged 12 size 9.5 men's shoe. He can cook dinner, do laundry, work the BBQ, babysit & change diapers, but good grief- tell him he forgot to put the toilet seat down or tell him it is bedtime, or he is at the end of his video game time, and it is as if you declared war on his independence.

Defenses go up in the blink of an eye. Anger sets in before you have a chance to take your next breath.  How dare we parents correct or direct this pubescent boy!  

And that is when I realize he is just like me - in hormone mode. 

Well kind of because he has the added struggle of not having brain that fully functions.