How to Help Your Teen Find A Good College Fit

As I watched friends and acquaintances work through the college selection process, I admit it was fairly overwhelming. My husband attended Duke undergraduate, I attended Scripps Women's College, and we both did our various graduate work at Arizona State University. That gave us accidental experience on the small, midsize, and large campuses. Furthermore, I have done a very little teaching at JrCo and more at ASU. So we came to the college search with a bit of experience, although it was not recent. As we reorient ourselves to the college search process as parents, rather than as students or instructors, we are learning as we go and want to pass on what we have taken-in thus far. 

Let me start by saying it is possible that college may be not in the cards for all teens. That said, if you and your teen have decided that college is the path for them, this post is for you!

1) Identify your goal and your child's goal. This will differ by family. For all of our children, we want them to have a 4 year college residential college experience that will help prepare them for a more independent life - both practically independent (living away), financially independent, and independence of thought. All of our children currently aspire to be a college graduate so this is a shared goal.

2) Explore options. For each of our children, our hope is that we can find a college that will be a good fit for them personally. This may mean a large school for one and a tiny school for another. But in the first few years of highschool, we take every opportunity to give them a chance to see college campuses.  This means when we travel to see family, we look at a college. When we travel for soccer, we look at a college. When we visit a new city, we talk about what it may like for them to live in a place like this. Our middle school and highschool are very small so the older two have both been drawn to smaller campuses which still seem to feel very large. In one long weekend we were able to walk 4 very different campuses in one region and do a great comparison. He was not particularly interested in any of the schools prior, but taking the time to walk the campus gave him a chance to personally compare and contrast. 

3) Talk about careers and majors early, but be flexible. Our sons have been interested in engineering. They may or may not pursue that. Apply to colleges without engineering programs is a waste of time and will limit their options. This doesn't mean they can't look at other majors, it simply means they have the most opportunity. Our eldest entered as an engineering major because that is the major that required the most credits. He can easily transfer out of engineering later, but he can't transfer into engineering without adding semesters. 

4) Money matters. Let's not pretend that it doesn't. We have found the best merit based scholarships go to the prospective students whom the colleges want the most. This likely means that if you have an SAT of 1400, and you apply to a school with a median SAT of 1450, you are not likely to get a lot of merit money. If however you apply to a school where you 1400 puts you in the top 5-10% of students, money will likely follow. Not all schools have merit money. Some prefer to give on a need basis only. Also, some schools offer a few full tuition scholarships, others offer quite a few full-tuition scholarships. Look at what you need to qualify for those full tuition awards and see if it is realistic for you.

5) Talk about the money openly with your teen from the beginning. Who is paying for this and how will it be possible? Do you have a 529 plan? Will you take out loans? Will your child be footing the bill for tuition and room and board? Will he or she need to work while in school? There is no sense in looking at colleges that are outside the realm of possibility financially. We have crossed great schools off the list because they are just not financially realistic, and our sons do not want to have great amounts of school debt.

6) Keep a spreadsheet. I know not everyone is into this, but a spreadsheet is an easy way to remember which schools were small/med/large, which region it was in, urban or rural, tuition/room & board, what were the median SAT, and if there is anything that stood out about the school. Our sons had/have soccer to consider as well so we include team/coach information as well. This is shareable so we can each update it or add comments ourselves. 

7) Pray about it. This is a big step for you and your young adult. Don't forget to pray every step of this journey. When my son was trying to decide between his top two schools I simply surrendered the situation to the Lord and asked Him to make it clear to my son.  The Lord know where you child should be. 

Once you take into consideration your child's preferences for things like size, region, prestige, majors, study abroad possibilities, extracurricular opportunities, price tag, and residential situation, you may find that that overwhelming list of schools has narrowed itself down naturally. With only one in college now and a few more to go we will be sure to update as we learn more in this process. Until then good luck with your own searches!

The Parent's Role at Playtime

A few years ago I caused myself an embarrassing moment when I yelled at my kids

“would you guys just GROW UP - you’re acting like a bunch of children!”.

The comment, said in desperation, caused a further eruption of laughter from the little-ish one and smirks and chuckles from the big-ish kids.

Play is hugely important to children. A study out last spring by Metafuria and colleagues (2020) found continued evidence that parents' belief and support of play in preschool aged children is associated with greater play in the home and better children’s performance on neurological tests of executive functioning. When children engage in frequent pretend play for instance they have better inhibitory control.  This study adds to a huge body of research stemming back to the 1972 theories of Piaget on the importance of play for development. 

But what about the parents playing? What role should we play in it. A team from Stanford led by Jelena Obradovic’ reported findings recently that suggest parents actually need to back off when it comes to play. They looked at playtime behaviors of kindergarten aged children and found that parents who were more directive, provided more verbal feedback, questions suggestions, or instruction, had children who exhibited greater difficulty with self-regulation of behavior and emotions, and performed worse on executive functioning tasks.

In a second study, the researchers found that with older children, the association between parental over involvement and children’s lower executive functioning is present when the child is highly focused on a task, rather than simply passively engaged. 

Their work suggests that when it comes to play, we parents need to just let our kids play. If your child is focused on something, be it LEGOs or their geometry homework, let them work it out but be available to support if and when they ask for help. If they are passively engaged in something or doing other work like maybe a jigsaw puzzle that involves a different type of cognitive work, your involvement or engagement is not likely to be detrimental and can even be supportive. 

Does this mean you are completely off the hook for playtime? Nope. 

Parent-child play time is essential to the building of Social Skill Sets. In particular, parent-child pretend play as well as physical play, is associated with skill sets related to  gross motor, leadership, cognition, emotional regulation and even stress regulation. The important thing is to let the child lead when you are engaged in play together, and to help them develop independent play as well. In this previous blog post I discuss how to best play with your child based on Vygotsky’s principles of guided participation, scaffolding, and intersubjectivity. 

For more on how to adopt a more playful attitude in life in generally you should read this.

Now go have some fun!

Boy's Adventure Race

A few months ago, before school got out and the heat set in, Anthony was invited to a Boy's Adventure Race.  Adventure is something that we seem to be lacking in our family.  Growing up we had a healthy dose of it.  My family's our chosen summer vacation each year was Lake Powell. We would spend hours swimming, hiking, exploring the canyons and generally just relaxing in God's Big Playground.  We didn't do this in an opulent houseboat.  We camped on the beach, got sand in everything, hunkered down and held onto the tentpoles in the monsoon storms, and watched the waves and weather before heading out in my dad's little boat.  They were character-building experiences. When we weren't at the lake, we were camping at remote spots in the woods - replete with bears and snakes and spiders oh my. The beauty of His world and the danger posed by nature were two realities that was clearly evident my early years whenever we would venture out. 

This is not something that my kids have experienced much.  I married an amazing man who is not fond of the outdoors.  We don't own a cooking stove, although I think we probably have a tent somewhere in the garage. Sharing a sense of adventure with my kids therefore has been a bit more of a challenge, particularly since I would rather sleep on a bed of feathers than a bed of pine needles.  I have taken the kids camping a few times with my family, and they boys went with my brother this summer, but other than that they have been a bit lacking in the adventure department. So when I got the invitation for Evan to join a friend's team I responded yes without even asking him.

The Real Story: Miscarriage

Every few weeks I seem to get a prayer request for a fellow mom who has lost an unborn baby because of miscarriage.  Each time I find myself re-living my own experience, and I pray that my St. Lily and all those who make up the Army of Baby Saints will pray for these grieving moms.  The loss of every child is a unique experience, but knowing that I was not alone in my suffering brought great comfort when I needed it most.  I thought it was time I shared gave back too, and shared about how Lily came to be and left before any of us were able to hold her.  This is our story.  This is her story.

When we got married, Bob wanted two kids and I wanted three.  He used to say we compromised and had three, but then Anna came along so now with four kids we just laugh...

But back in the days before JR and Gracie and Anna, there was just a Mom and a Dad, and a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes.  We took our little Anthony with us on an adventure from Arizona to Oregon for a temporary relocation associated with my husband's work.  It was a wonderful time away.  I always thought I wanted to live where it rained a lot, and I had visions of playing with Anthony at the park every morning while I sipped my coffee wrapped in a lovely wool sweater.  I didn't realize the park would always be mushy and muddy and the swings and slides would be wet.  But I digress.  When we were about 1/2 way through our 10 month stay we decided we should have another baby.  Anthony was about 16 months old and I was finishing off my dissertation, eager to graduate and be called Dr. Hackett, if only by my little guy. 

As with Anthony, I conceived fairly easily.  We only told family about the pregnancy 'in case something happened'.  I don't think we really had any idea what that even meant.

Birthday Bust

We just celebrated by husband's birthday.  Given that I threw him a HUGE party when he turned 40 last year, this year we had a more low-key event.  It was on a Tuesday and he had to work a little later than normal so he requested that we go out to dinner.

All. Six. Of. Us. 

Typically we avoid such situations. You know - taking our kids in public as a form of recreation.  Such trips are more often a form of penance for some past childhood sin of ours.



Dinner in a sit-down-order-off-a-menu type place can be challenging, especially for Anna.  Let me be clear here. My children do know how to eat at a table.  My eldest has horrible table manners (as do many 12 year old boys), but we are constantly on his case.  This means the other three have very good table manners because our expectations are very clear.


And we try to set them up to succeed.  When we do have to eat out, we look for eateries that have patio seating (which is plentiful in our great-weather-state) & fast service.  A 'Kids-eat-free' night is a bonus too because usually those nights the servers are excepting children in a higher frequency.  They are fast and patient and cheerful.


Plus, it is nice to get a few free meals.




This night however, my husband choose a steakhouse.  I trailed in behind them after searching in vain for Anna socks, so they were already seated in a corner booth inside when I joined them.

The night was miserable.  I am not going to sugar coat anything.

We had one of those long booths, with three seats on each side, so the kids kept 'touching'. The service was SLOW, the order was WRONG, the food was MEDIOCRE, and the price was OBSCENE.  I hadn't made him a cake because I assumed they would do the whole singing-at-the-table thing.  Wasn't that part of the perk of going out?  Nope. They didn't even do that.

There were no less than four trips to the bathroom - three of which I was privileged to chaperone. What is it about eating that makes my kids have to go to the bathroom? I know it is a real thing because their GI doc said it is totally normal.  He even gave me a scientific term for it.  But I digress…

The two of us could have gone to dinner and a movie and hired a babysitter for the same (or less) price. We have officially entered the realm of no longer eating out as a family.

Table for Two? Yes please.

At the end of the dinner my husband and I just shared a look that silently said

"good grief why did we just do this?"  

And I am still not sure I have the answer.  I just wanted to share my pain with you all, and encourage you those of you with kids to get a sitter and have a nice date night!

Thanks for stopping by to think(?) with me!

The Terrible Night Terrors

Just getting through a normal night of sleep is a challenge when you have kids doing the normal kid things.  I first wrote 10 tips for good-normal sleep (click here), but every now and again you get a child who is stuck in a rut.  In our sleep-depriaved state it can be hard to take a moment to step back and strategize a solution.

One of the most common sleep problems is Nightmares.  About a quarter to a third of children between ages 5 and 12 are affected by nightmares (reference). A less common but more dramatic problem are Night Terrors.

There is no general consensus in the field about why we have dreams, but the brain continues to process while we are sleeping.   Neither frequent nightmares nor night terrors are a sign of some psychopathological problem with a child.  But that doesn't mean they aren't extremely unpleasant and something parents want to help do away with.

The first thing is to differential between Night Terrors and Nightmares. They are two different events, occur at different points in the sleep cycle, and should be handled differently.

Short and Sweet: How to be Rockstar of a Dad

Be a good husband.  Your first role as a dad is to model what it means to be a man.  Being a man means taking responsibility for yourself and others.   The best way to show this every day is by taking care of your wife's physical, emotion, and spiritual well-being.  And she should take care of you as well.  In marriage we die to ourselves to serve our spouse. The two become one.  

In every interaction with your spouse you show your children- 

1. how they should act towards others, and 

2. how they should expect to be treated by others.  

The legacy of love you leave for your children, the example you set of loving your wife, will pave the way for their success in all aspects of life.  So love them and love her. 

Really, it is that simple.