Your Summer Sanity Saver

Summer vacation schedules are a must. 

That was the firm resolution I found in my heart when I awoke this morning. 

Loosely scripted routines for daily family life have been a sanity saver in summers past but I have let a lot of things slide recently; my beloved routines are one of them.

Routines are my biggest ally in the battle again the screens. 

I have fretted about screens and screen time since my oldest first picked up the remote many many years ago. Today’s earlier-than-normal awakening brought with it confidence that I need to clearly re-communicate expectations and be firm with TV time, iPad, and phone access. I need to reset my expectations for the younger children especially because they have different needs and different rules than the big in our home. Their brains are so sensitive to the good stimulation in our natural world, and (the far less-good) unnatural stimulation from the electronics. 

Neurologists are now reporting actual evidence of actual evolutionary changes occurring in the brains and skulls of young people in response to the dramatic increase in time spent on devices. 

In terms of actual amount of screen time, two hours a days seems generous to me, restrictive to the little ones, and impossible for the older ones. Yet whenever we tighten the rules on screens we are rewarded and their imaginations are unlocked. By making a schedule for your day and week, the child can see when they will have their beloved screens, but also know when they are expected to do other things. 

Making your own summer schedule isn’t hard. Start with your ideal bedtime and meal times. Add in quiet time/naps, activity/craft, errands, exercise (swimming, walks etc. based on your weather), free time & screen time.  Sketch it all out on paper and if your spouse is around ask for feedback/buy in. It only works when all the adults are on the same team. Don’t plan every moment, but rather chunks of 2-3 hours. 

If possible add in a weekly excursion: community pool, library, park, museum, zoo, play date. This way your child knows if they want to do something extra, there is room in the weekly schedule for it. Also consider including at the bottom some ideas for fun when they get bored: build something, write something, dream of something, sing something, explore something, make something for someone else. Lastly, build in some fun or relaxation for you too every day and try not to fill that time with chores. For more on making that practically happen read this post from a few years ago (here). 

Once you have it all well formed, draw it up on a big poster board or some art paper and post it where it is visible. When the kids get bored, they can reference the schedule and see that lunch is soon, or they can swim after nap time. It helps them build their patience and ability to wait for the fun.  One word of caution Don’t be a slave to your schedule, but rather use it as scaffolding for your day.  Be flexible and have fun. It is your summer vacation too after all! 

Thanks for stopping by!

PS - check out my Instagram (here) for our summer schedule this year

PPS- also check out these 10 tips (here) for summer success including a throw back to what our schedule looked like when the big ones were little. 

How to Celebrate a COVID Safe Birthday

We employ a risk-reward assessment every time we leave the home, or welcome someone into our home, as all of our interactions are laced with risk. Some of us have contact with the elderly, others do not. Some of us are working outside the home, others are not. Some of us are caring for COVID patients or in a high-risk occupation, and others are not. Some of us are as risk for complications, and others are not. Some of us face mental health challenges that are exacerbated by isolation, others do not. Each family is left to determine its own comfort level largely depending on our circumstances. As we come closer to marking an entire year of this pandemic, those of us caring for children have begun to worry not just about the physical risk of COVID, but also the larger social and emotional consequences of a continued life of social isolation. When it comes to a birthday, or special moment in our life, we feel the isolation even greater.  

There is an intensification of emotions around important dates, and as parents, we want to honor and celebrate each of our children in a special way. As the pandemic emerged and shut down orders were put into place, many turned to drive-through or drive-by birthdays. Cars were decorated, signs were made, contact-less gift drop offs and party-favor pick ups were created. We spent more time driving to the home than we did interacting with the birthday boy or girl, but the efforts were appreciated. We were happy to do something in a time when we were scared to do anything. It was a very temporary solution to larger problem that we hoped would go away quickly.

This month we will complete a year of my family's COVID birthdays, and we chose to mark the occasion with the safest in-person social gathering possible. Our birthday girl no longer has a classroom or recess with friends, and she is starved for social interaction with peers. The best gift we could give her was a little party circa 2019, with some minor modifications too keep everyone a little bit safer. 

Here are our tips for how to safely celebrate without taking way any joy of the day. 

* Celebrate with a small group. Pre-pandemic it was common place for children to invite their favorite friends, cousins, neighbors, and teammates over to celebrate together. It frequently made for a stressed out host who was pulled in different directions, and some awkward time for the guests who didn't know each other. With the creation of pandemic pods, we have the benefit of being encouraged to celebrate in smaller, more naturally occurring groups. One of my sons had a few classmates over for some food, volleyball, and bike riding. One daughter opted to gather with soccer teammates at the park for pizza and a scavenger hunt. Another invited her cousin over for swimming and a high tea. If you are limiting the gathering it to children from a small group, let the other families know. It will increase their likelihood of attending. "The only guests in attendance will be ____ teammates, and we will not be entertaining other friends and family at the party". 

There is beauty in sharing the special day in a more intimate way, according to your own comfort level. 

*Celebrate outdoors. Not all climates make this possible. In summer, here in the desert heat we are either forced indoors or into a pool. Find a park if your yard isn't ideal. The best part is that you won't have to clean your house if you keep everyone outside. 

*Plan activities that keep the children spread out as much as possible. Snuggling up to watch a movie and share a bag or popcorn is probably not a good idea. Putting a TV screen outside and having kids set up in their own sleeping bags, with individual bags of smart pop is maybe a better option. Playing a game of twister in the living room, maybe not so good. Doing a scavenger hunt in teams of two, or completing an obstacle course at the park is maybe a better choice. 

*Keep foods simple and in single servings. Individual bags of chips, little juice boxes, disposable water bottles, cupcakes not cake. And remind the birthday kid not to blow all over the other cupcakes when she/he blows out the candles.

*Use disposable as much as possible. Yes, you have permission to throw everything away. 

*Kick the parents out. Parents are more likely than children to be spreaders and the more people present, the bigger the risk. If your children are closing in on their double digits, a drop off party is usually preferred by by all anyhow. "We invite you to drop your daughter off for a few hours of birthday fun at the park"  is a nice way to make it clear that you don't want the parents to hang around.

*Limit the time. Traditionally two hours is plenty to time for socializing, a game or two, food, cake, and presents. Depending on the activity level and age of the children, you may be able to even shorten that. The longer the party the greater the risk. 

*Delay. If you still aren't comfortable with a gathering now, consider celebrating a 1/2 birthday in 6 months. Maybe you and your birthday child can spend some time on the actual birthday planning; create a budget, make a guest list, plan the foods and special theme. Give your child something to look forward. 

*Do something new and special. Put together a little photo or video slide show of your child or do a little birthday trivia game all about the special birthday child. 

*Remind your loved ones of the special day. People have so much on their minds it is easy to let a special day go unnoticed. Send your family a reminder a few days before, and then if needed, on the special day as well. In past years, your child probably got well wishes all day long from friends, teachers and classmates. He might not have cared if Uncle Bob remembered his special day in previous years, but it is more important now as our social interactions have been reduced. Invite loved ones to send a little video clip with happy birthday wish for your child. That will be much more meaningful than a simple text message. 

*Decorate your home. Put up some streamer or a banner, and wrap the gifts ahead of time to put them on 'display'. Put a special birthday tablecloth on the table with some balloons or flowers. Visual things are important. If the birthday isn't being celebrated as it has been traditionally, think about some fun way to celebrate visually with decorations. 

There are plenty of ways to celebrate your child's special day. For a year now we have all faced disappointment with canceled plans and delayed starts. With some careful planning you can still make this birthday, a day to remember fondly. 

Thanks for stoping by!

The Real Story: 5 Practical Tips for Surviving Mass with Kids

A little while back a friend asked for some concrete advice regarding mass with children. I had to admit that as our family has moved from stage to stage I have become less and less concerned with what others thing about my children in mass, and more about whether I am able to really enter into mass despite the chaos around us. I wrote a post to that effect (read here), but the need for concrete help and tips doesn't go away. Here is your practical pos to help you get through the hour.  


Tip 1. If your church has a childcare use it for the 1-2.5 year age. These kids are sooooo little. It is a rare child (our 3rd was like this) who actually will sit quietly at this age. For the rest of them it is just asking a lot to sit quietly for 1+ hours. Having the little ones out of the picture, let my husband and I focus helping the older kids. Once the little ones turned 2 we would start talking about the time when they would be able to come to mass: "Soon you will be big enough to come with us!" etc. You have to keep it positive though. And it is okay if they do not like the childcare. It is just temporary with the goal of having them WANT to leave it to stay with you.

Tip 2. Remind them of the expectations. We remind them all to quiet their hearts and minds as they walk into mass. "Prepare you minds and hearts for Jesus" is a great line.

Tip 3. Try to be reverent from the start. We never really did the snacks-in-mass thing. Up until age three I was fine with a sippy cup in the pew, but not really beyond that. We get drinks from the drinking fountain before we sit down and try not to get up again. We used to also give the kids one mtint each during the homily. It kept their mouth quiet so we could focus on the message but it did tend to make the thirsty. We would also bring mass/saints books. For a while we had a little backpack ready with books and religious activity pads for the littlest ones. It initially worked, but it got to be more of a hassle.

Tip 4. Touch. We are big on affection in our house. I rub the kids hands during the worship. I let the little one bring her blanket and paci in and she snuggle and often falls asleep. One daughter loves to sit in daddy's lap or beside him most of mass. We want our kids to associate Mass with Love.

Tip 5. Practice. When possible, take the kids to daily mass. It is shorter and a stripped down version of Sunday. The parts of the mass are very clear and it helps them to identify the really really important parts of the mass. The congregation is generally very quiet but also very tolerant.

Mass with children is so hard. It really is. Give yourself a little break. Work towards your goal just one week at a time. By keeping the Eucharist at the center of your lives as a family however you will be bringing God's into your life each week. Attending mass and keeping Christ at the center will keep you grounded in the most difficult times!

Thanks for stopping by!

One-on-One: Making the most of the moments

A few years ago I found myself in 'parenting' conversation with a stranger. Her children were older than mine by about 10 years and she was telling me about The 12-Year Trip.  She and her husband took each child, at age 12, on a vacation of their choosing.  Beyond the fabulousness of being able to pay for that (cha-ching!), I found myself thinking of all the great places my little ones may choose.  My husband, the realist, decided that was a little extravagant for our family.  "Besides if we have money to do that let's just take a trip alone". Which we did (read about it here). And it was awesome.




I didn't, however, forget the notion of The 12-Year Trip, and when I found out that a trip to Las Vegas was going to be necessary for my son's soccer team I admit I was probably as excited as he was.  Although it has been a pretty good year for us, the idea of getting him to myself for three nights was really attractive.  I generally attend all his games, but I usually have his sisters (and sometime brother too) on the sidelines. The idea of a weekend 1:1 interspersed with soccer and food and some Las Vegas shenanigans was pretty cool.

Seriously who looks more excited?

One-on-one all my kids are fabulous, but as a crowd they can be a little much at times even for their mother. Just sayin' what we all feel. As a family we do what we can to steal away 1:1 time with the kids. My husband does daddy dates with the girls.  He also coaches JR's team now and they get lots of time away together.  He drives the carpool for Anthony's team giving him a chance to debrief each week as well.

I take lunch to the kids at school once a week. Their lunch times are back-to-back and I can sit at their table, share the meal and chat with them and their buddies.  If we want we can take the meal outside and sit alone which we do about 1/2 the time.

When Anthony left our parish school and started attending the local charter school, I lost my lunch time with him. We still have plenty of time together in the car, but often he is doing homework and his sisters are almost always around. He is up later than his siblings so we still get more time alone with him, but I am usually exhausted then.  As he grows physically in stature I am faced with a a physical reminder of the reality that my time with him is limited.  I feel as though I am going to blink and the next thing I know I will be packing his bags for college.

With this in mind, his soccer trip became OUR soccer trip and I planned out some great fun for the two of us.  We ate at the buffet, he rode his first roller coaster, he played soccer, rested, played more soccer and ate more fabulous food. We were able to do what we wanted without negotiating the desires of four other people and I was able to appreciate a kick-back attitude that I rarely notice at home.  As the eldest he is full of opinions on how we parents his siblings and we were able to talk those through just the two of us. I pushed him though his fear and made him ride his first REAL roller-coaster.  We found an amazing patio overlooking the strip for our last dinner in town and we had a wonderful meal with his coach's family.  I goofed up on directions (I zigged when we should have zagged) and we wandered and wondered and just had fun together.  For the first time, my son really experienced a real vacation- not just a family trip.

Taking him on this trip solidified something between us.  He is on my side now in a really cool way and I am appreciating it as long as it lasts.  Our time together let him see my humanity in a way that I don't think he sees often enough at home.  At home I am the cook, the cleaner (sometimes), the taxi driver, the shopper, the babysitter... I fill a number of roles and responsibility. This trip gave him a chance to see me aside from all of those roles and I was just me. I laughed, I loved, I supported, I ate, I wandered, I was easygoing. I didn't have to wipe noses or cut up food or worry about nap times or doctor appointment.  I could have a glass of wine and watch a football game with my son and just hang out. I could venture out for a morning cup of coffee and to his delight bring back a bagel for him to nosh on in bed.

One-on-one time with your growing ones is a beautiful gift.  As they get older that 1:1 time becomes ever more important because they are able to pay attention to who you actually are when you are not being pulled in 100 different directions.  Being a middle-child, I don't remember getting good 1:1 time with my parents until I got married, had a child, and moved away. They came to visit and it really was the first time I had more than a few hours alone with them. I cherish those days we had together and I hope Anthony remembers this trip and all of our special moments together.

How can you carve our special moments with each child? What special memories do you have of 1:1 time with your parents?

Thanks for stopping by!

Family Road Trip Survival Guide

Our most recent trip from Arizona through New Mexico and into the mountains of Colorado prompted my dear friend (who I will just call NW) and I to throw together this Road Trip Survival Guide. Before meeting us in Colorado, NW and her family of 8 took a huge trip from Arizona to Indiana and back again hitting up 10 states in the process. They are veteran road trippers (last year they went AZ to DC!) so I have taken notes from them, on this and many other areas of our parenting journey.  The result is this Family Road Trip Survival Guide. 

Plan Your Route

Spontaneity is great and all, but putting in a little extra time and energy to research the best route, complete with stops for food and fun can make or break a trip. Sometimes the best route is not the shortest route. A route that adds 30 minutes, but includes a great hotel for the night or an awesome hike can be a huge bonus. Interesting drives with elevation changes and changes in vegetation can also be great for the kid who just likes to look out the window. Hours of looking at the same landscape can make the driver a little bit crazy too.  Map your trip a few different ways and then look to see what works best. AAA will do a triptik for you online (click here) but if you want their free books and maps you have to be a member. You also need to order them weeks ahead of time. 

Stop Along the Way

Don’t be afraid to stop and let the kids run, hike, or play a while. Giving everyone a chance to get in a hour or so of play time or exercise with lift everyone’s spirits and reduce the overall grumpiness in the car.  Taking a decent stop will also break your driving up into two smaller trips rather than one big trip.  Give your kids and yourself the ‘goal’ of getting to the hike, not the end of the day stop.  Let them know you will drive for, say four hours, and then stop for a snack and a hike, or park with some equipment.

Where You Stay Matters

Where you stop to lay your head at night makes a difference.  We are huge fans of the Embassy Suites chain (book here).  They have two room suites and sleep 6 easily.  Each hotel has a manager reception in the evening complete with snacks and free adult beverages. After driving all day the last thing we want to do is make the kids sit in a restaurant. We want them to fill up on some healthy snacks and then head to the pool for a pre-bedtime swim.  We generally don’t buy dinner that night because after eating out for lunch and snacking all day in the car, we just need a little something in the tummies.  My man-child needs a little something more now that he is a teen, but that means only feeding one (not 6!).  When we have missed the reception (typically only goes to 7 or 7:30) we have ordered pizza and had it delivered to the hotel.  It is much cheaper than room-service and it is fun to eat poolside. 

The Embassy Suites can also contain all our family in beds and they have a free full-breakfast which is nice.  Dad can take the kids down to eat while I pack up (or vice-versa) and the children can fill their tummies before we hit the road.  We paid a little more for the room, but got dinner, drinks, and breakfast without a drive so it works for us. 

Books on Tape and Travel Apps

Find an app like Overdrive (click here) where you rent from the library and it is free.  You can link multiple libraries to the account. Audible (click here) is also great because it has a free initial trial period. You can down load a book and then turn it on when the kids start bickering on the second half of the day.  The story can lull the little ones to sleep and keep those bigger ones from complaining. Book ideas are at the end of this post. Just click on the title and it will bring you to the link.  My friend Phoebe also has a great app called PlateGames (click here).  Basically there are 4 different License Plate Bingo games you can download and play. 

Food Fun

Provide a little food fun for them along the way.  We are a mostly gluten-free family so we pack a mini-ice chest with salami and cheeses, fruit, beef jerky, and granola bars.  For our last trip I made blueberry muffins before we left and those were a big treat (although in hindsight they were a little too crumbly for the car!).

Reward System

A few years back when we had an Arizona-Oregon road trip during which we implemented a reward system called Daddy Dollars.  Each hour we give each child a Daddy Dollar. That Daddy Dollar is earned by good behavior. Hitting your sibling, complaining, whining, and asking “how much longer” are all behaviors that result in no Daddy Dollar for the hour.  Showing the virtues (prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude, charity, love, hope, self-control, sense of wonder etc.) result in extra daddy dollars. For instance, if our kids are looking out the window and express amazement at the beautiful scenery, they get an extra Daddy Dollar. If they help their sibling reach something – extra daddy dollar.  Anything that encourages them to look away from the i-pad and engage positively with the world around them gets them a Daddy Dollar. We are super generous with the dollars!  The last leg of a trip we often do a bonus hour because it is a lot harder to be nice when you have been driving all day. At each stop we let them look in the store (kept in the back of the car) and purchase items. The store is filled with coloring books, magazines, travel games, and even credits for the app store. Additionally we will let the older ones purchase junk food at gas stations using Daddy Dollars. It is vacation after all.

Something Special

As it the trip weren’t enough… it can be fun to do a little something extra for the kids.  I ordered a little pillow stuffing (amazon delivered it the same day!!) and picked up some cheep fabric at the fabric outlet, and made little pillows and a blanket for the trip.  I did break two needles and messed up my brothers machine after I broke mine (sigh), but in the end the kids each had a perfect size travel pillow for the trip.  I encouraged them to each bring a small (like baby blanket size) blanket in the car as well because we can NEVER agree on the right temperature for the car.  The kids were super excited about their pillows and it helped them create a cozy little nest in their space. It also kept them from trying to bring all their bedding (which they always want to do) in the car. 

Enjoy the Journey

Try to focus on the journey and not just the destination.  This is a tough one for us because my husband generally hates road trips. Like many adults he wants to just GET THERE already but that mentality can make 8 hours in the car with kids really miserable. I drove most of the way for the first time and that helped immensely because he got to relax. We got the National Geographic Roadtrip for Kids book (buy here) and it was great. The kids can follow along and see where we are on the trip and what the local landmarks are. The maps on our phone don’t generally have landmarks indicated, but if you bring a old-fashioned paper map the kids can mark the way as you go.  It can be really helpful for them to see where you are and how far they have come.

With just a little intentionality (okay a lot) you can turn your family trip into something that more closely resembles a vacation - if you don't know the difference click here. For tips on traveling with other families click here - I tell all about our first trip with NW and her fabulous family. 

Happy travels to you all & thanks for stoping by!

Great Audible Books for Download

The Hobbit 

Wonder

Matilda or anything by Roald Dahl 

Island of the Blue Dolphins

The Jungle Book

The Secret Garden
The Princess Bride

Anything by E.B. White

Anything by C.S. Lewis

The Chronicles of Narnia

Anything by Beverly Cleary

Roman Mysteries (Series)

The Little House on the Prairie (series)

Anne of Green Gables (series)

The Hardy Boys (series)
The Magic Treehouse (series)

The Lightening Thief (series)

How to Survive the Seasons of Motherhood: Redefining Your Normal

When my firstborn was about 6 weeks old, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.  I was on the phone with a friend who had two older kids.  She had just told me I wouldn't ever sleep again.  I was ToTheBoneTired, and maybe without thinking I had asked "but how much longer before I get some sleep?".  I was really glad she was so honest with me though because it helped me realize something.

I had to stop trying to reclaim my past life and instead I needed to redefine my normal. 

I thought I had hit my groove a few years ago. With each child I had adapted and been able to keep up well enough.  I was mothering three little-ish ones, was able to make dinner most nights, founded/ran a pretty decent mothers group at our parish (read more here). I was in a neighborhood bunko group, had a cool book club, went to MOPS, and managed to work in a date night as frequently as we could find a babysitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I had it really good. I was able to duck away about one night a week for 'me time', get to the gym regularly during the day for a little break and shower, and even have a regular lunch with friends (and our kids) on occasion. 

I mistakenly assumed that this was what motherhood was going to be like forever.  The advent of our little Anna changed everything, but honestly it would have changed even if I hadn't had her.  I had just turned over leadership of my mom's ministry and helped create a new ministry for women at our parish. My new baby showed me I really could only have 'one baby' so I backed out leadership there too.  My bunco group conflicted with the boys sports, my book club just wasn't worth all the hassle.  Lunches out became too much of a struggle with a gaggle of kiddos and the expense of feeding two growing boys made it extravagant even when they were well behaved. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

So I have to redefine normal again. Normal is no longer taking care of the family and filling the spare time with stuff that I love doing.  It is no longer taking a shower every day or grabbing lunch with a friend.  


It is school projects and soccer/dance/gymnastics/piano, homework and groceries. And laundry laundry laundry. I have become a TwoCart Costco shopper and nothing that is easy before seems easy anymore.  

It is as if my 24 hour day has been slowly shorted.  Just a few minutes each day.  Like my LifeClock is fast and I always think I have more time, but each day I have just a little less.

So I sleep less, I wash my hair less, I shop less (unless it is for food or done online), I make more lists, I exercise when I can (usually with children or dog in tow), and it takes me forever to finish a book. I find ways to volunteer that are short-term, low risk, and low stress, and most importantly done as a team with people I love. I write when I can and try not to stress about the weeks that have gone by since my last blog post. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

My challenge at this stage is recognize that this too is a stage, and find the beauty in the chaos. My time of having one child in Jr.High, one in Preschool, and two in between will be short.  Even though we aren't able to have more kids (more about that here), I recognize that I will need to stay open and maybe even embrace the changes that come with family life. Six years from now (God willing) I will only have 3 kids to tuck in at night.  It is a scary thought but at the same time comforting, because I know that there is no way I can maintain this pace for more than a few years. But I don't have too, because it is just a season. 

Whatever your season in Motherhood, embrace it sister. Don't stress about it. Realize it is the normal for this time, today and tomorrow, but your normal will evolve into something new.  Embrace the challenge and know that you will grow into the newness. The newness brings opportunity to grow, to grow in Faith, to grow in virtue, ultimately to grow in Motherhood. 

Thanks for stopping by!

The Happiest Parents Have A lot of Kids!

Or at least that is what the popular press is reporting.  I was shocked that they were covering it at all, but not so surprised that they got the results just a little wrong.

As a mother of four, I was thrilled to hear about Dr. Harman's findings out of Australia's Edith Cowan University. Often when the news reports research in my field, I go straight to the source and have a little chat with the study author. It is a perk of having the letters P H and D after my name. Dr. Harman sent me copy of the actual study summary and we went back a forth a few times about the research.  Although she said the results being reported are a little misleading, it appears as though we do have evidence that of "the more the merrier" really is mostly true but maybe not in the way you think.

Dr. Harman conducted a 5 year research study with the goal to explore the relationship between resilience, social support, self-esteem and life-satisfaction in parents, (source). Dr. Harman found that mothers of four or more children were the happiest group of the various family types. She did not however find that mothers of four or more were happier than mothers of say two children, or less happy than mothers with eight kids, because she didn't compare family size, but rather family type.  Dr Harman writes in her summary discussion

Overall, mothers of large families with higher self esteem were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. One interpretation of these results is that mothers of large families feel supported (older children helping younger children, for example), but may lose their sense of self.

Dr. Harman said that mothers of larger families overall had higher self-esteem.  They basically feel like they are doing a pretty good job and are well supported. They also were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. She speculated that they may loose their sense of self in the process - she didn't measure that quantitatively, but collected some qualitative data that directed her to that conclusion. But that loss of self is still associated with greater life satisfaction so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about having to drive the dreaded mini-van (for more on that click here).

The next great question is of course

"Why do lots of kids correlate with greater life satisfaction?"

Dr. Harman was sited in The Sydney Herald in August (2015) as stating "The parents usually say they always wanted a large family, it was planned that way, and it was a lifestyle they'd chosen".  So are these parents who choose this lifestyle just a different 'type' of people?

Yes, actually. That seems to be at the crux of this study comparing family types.

As a mother of four myself, and friend to many mothers of four or more children, I can say as a lay person that parents like those in the study who have been purposeful in having a larger family are likely couples who have chosen to take an optimistic and hopeful approach to parenting. I am not speaking of research here, but rather experience when I say that these types of parents tend to able to embrace the beauty and joy of parenthood and delight in their little ones. When discerning whether or not my husband and I felt our family was "full" with just the three, my mother pointed to my (then) 2, 5 and 7 year olds and said she could think of 3 reasons why we should have more kids... Gracie, JR, and Anthony.

Parents who choose large families, don't let fear prevent them from loving another child.  They love with reckless abandonment and choose to leave a family legacy not of human 'replacement' or social reproduction, but of human expansion.  

I recently got caught up reading about the War of the Roses in England.  Truth be told, I was reading historical fiction (not real history), but one thing that struck me in the novels was the love and appreciation that people used to have for large families. Large families were the ideal and each child was embraced as a blessing. There are many social reasons for this of course, but I found such comfort in that attitude which permeated the (then) Catholic society, whereas I find the current cultural (secular) attitude to be isolating. In present American society, the stereotype is that couples with many off-spring either don't know how babies are made, or they are too ignorant to stop it, or they are socially and financially irresponsible. A couple couldn't possible want more than just a few of these little people, right? Children are not seen as a gift, or a blessing, or something to cherish. They are approached as one more thing on a checklist of lifetime achievements and something to accept in moderation.

College (check), job (check), spouse (check), house (check), 

kid one (check), kid two (check), vasectomy (check).

Large families are more chaotic, but that chaos doesn't descend overnight. We grow into the noise and the chaos. We start with one (or maybe more) at a time and slowly re-adjust our family life, then we add another and re-adjust, and then make room for another, and another. Good parenting is about adjusting and shifting as our children grow and mature.  In our adjusting and shifting we too grow.  Growth is constant when you have a larger family and living a little off balanced allows us to turn to one another and to God with great regularity, often resulting in a closer knit family.

Large families require both parents to be completely committed to the family. In order for large families to really function you have to have both parents really involved. Although the division of responsibility can still be fairly traditional in many of these families, large families require that dads participate in the daily raising of the kids, even if that role is as mom's cheerleader. All of the children learn how to pitch in and help out, because just one person can not possibly do it all.

This study is great evidence of something that those of us with large families have known all along. Having large families is great for our mental and spiritual health. Yes it is messy. Yes it is crazy. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to loose ourselves in the service of others, but all parenting is messy and crazy and hard. There is no shame in loosing a little of ourselves to make room for more love. The love that we share in a family grows exponentially with each child we welcome into our home. And with love comes happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. There is so much to say on the topic and space here was limited.  I hope this research sparks conversation and as always, thanks for stopping by!

For more on raising multiple kids check out this post (click here).

The Real Story: Miscarriage

Every few weeks I seem to get a prayer request for a fellow mom who has lost an unborn baby because of miscarriage.  Each time I find myself re-living my own experience, and I pray that my St. Lily and all those who make up the Army of Baby Saints will pray for these grieving moms.  The loss of every child is a unique experience, but knowing that I was not alone in my suffering brought great comfort when I needed it most.  I thought it was time I shared gave back too, and shared about how Lily came to be and left before any of us were able to hold her.  This is our story.  This is her story.

When we got married, Bob wanted two kids and I wanted three.  He used to say we compromised and had three, but then Anna came along so now with four kids we just laugh...

But back in the days before JR and Gracie and Anna, there was just a Mom and a Dad, and a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes.  We took our little Anthony with us on an adventure from Arizona to Oregon for a temporary relocation associated with my husband's work.  It was a wonderful time away.  I always thought I wanted to live where it rained a lot, and I had visions of playing with Anthony at the park every morning while I sipped my coffee wrapped in a lovely wool sweater.  I didn't realize the park would always be mushy and muddy and the swings and slides would be wet.  But I digress.  When we were about 1/2 way through our 10 month stay we decided we should have another baby.  Anthony was about 16 months old and I was finishing off my dissertation, eager to graduate and be called Dr. Hackett, if only by my little guy. 

As with Anthony, I conceived fairly easily.  We only told family about the pregnancy 'in case something happened'.  I don't think we really had any idea what that even meant.

Parts is Parts...Pre and post surgical ramblings about reproduction.

I was recently told that I may need a hysterectomy.  Not that I DID need one, but that if my little surgery this week didn't resolve things, that a hysterectomy was the next step.

I am not freaking out.  I am contemplative. I think if I was just told "you need a hysterectomy" I would bypass the contemplative state and move into placation-mode.  If you are told that you must have some procedure, or you receive a diagnosis of some sort, you don't have the luxury of mulling over the idea.  You have to act. You are removed from the philosophical into the reality that you are experiencing.  So here I am with some time to really think about how I feel about all of this. Writing is how I do that and since I am a blogger you get to come along on this journey of the mind.

A while back I wrote a piece about my body falling apart.  It happens.  Five pregnancies in 8 years, 4 live births via c-section, and one miscarriage, takes its toll.  I wrote

And the answer is we fix what is broken, not because we don't like the way it looks 

but rather because it doesn't work any more  

Part of my body isn't working any more and sadly it concerns my reproductive organs.  So we are fixing what is broken and that may entail just removing it all.

I know in NFP circles we often joke about wanting to go through early menopause, but it really isn't such a great time.  It isn't a horrible time either, but it can be kind of rough.  Menopause following a hysterectomy comes on suddenly and can be a bit more rough.  Instead of your body slowing down product of hormones it just stops.  Hormone replacement can be helpful but now we are getting into the medical part of it all and that isn't my area of expertise.  Early menopause eliminates the need for NFP obviously because you aren't fertile any more so I have mixed feelings about that too (read more). 

I think with much in life we can look at things as good or bad, but sometimes they are neither.  

Is it bad that I may not be able to have more kids naturally? Is it good since we already have 4? Is this God's way of saying we should continue to look at fostering?

Maybe in situations like this what is good or bad is how we respond to it all.

Fertility is a gift.  It is not a right. It is not something to be taken advantage of nor is it something to be manipulated for our own selfish desires and measures. I know families with lots of kids (by Catholic standards even) who have as many or even more babies in heaven.  Most people don't even know that although their arm are full, they have shed many tears for those babies who they never met.  I have friends how have carried babies to term, only to bury those babies.   They think about those little souls every day.  I have friends who have adopted babies after struggling with fertility or miscarriages and those babies are every bit as much theirs as their biological babies.  Was it their plan? No, it was God's plan and He always has a better plan than ours!

When we look at a couple or a family we never know their story, their struggles, their private prayers, the suffering they have endured.  Life is a gift.  The ability to cooperate with God the Almighty in His plan for life in this world is an honor.

I guess as it all comes around and my pontificating comes to an end... I surrender my fertility to God just as I always have.  If I need to be done with stage of my life so be it.  There are many ways to be generative and life-giving and I have these little faces to remind myself of that ongoing assignment from the Lord.

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!
Post-script: My surgery went well! Thanks for your prayers.  They think they found the source of my pain but weren't able to resolve it.  I need another specialist to do that, but like this procedure it is simple and should have a quick recovery. 

Birthday Bust

We just celebrated by husband's birthday.  Given that I threw him a HUGE party when he turned 40 last year, this year we had a more low-key event.  It was on a Tuesday and he had to work a little later than normal so he requested that we go out to dinner.

All. Six. Of. Us. 

Typically we avoid such situations. You know - taking our kids in public as a form of recreation.  Such trips are more often a form of penance for some past childhood sin of ours.



Dinner in a sit-down-order-off-a-menu type place can be challenging, especially for Anna.  Let me be clear here. My children do know how to eat at a table.  My eldest has horrible table manners (as do many 12 year old boys), but we are constantly on his case.  This means the other three have very good table manners because our expectations are very clear.


And we try to set them up to succeed.  When we do have to eat out, we look for eateries that have patio seating (which is plentiful in our great-weather-state) & fast service.  A 'Kids-eat-free' night is a bonus too because usually those nights the servers are excepting children in a higher frequency.  They are fast and patient and cheerful.


Plus, it is nice to get a few free meals.




This night however, my husband choose a steakhouse.  I trailed in behind them after searching in vain for Anna socks, so they were already seated in a corner booth inside when I joined them.

The night was miserable.  I am not going to sugar coat anything.

We had one of those long booths, with three seats on each side, so the kids kept 'touching'. The service was SLOW, the order was WRONG, the food was MEDIOCRE, and the price was OBSCENE.  I hadn't made him a cake because I assumed they would do the whole singing-at-the-table thing.  Wasn't that part of the perk of going out?  Nope. They didn't even do that.

There were no less than four trips to the bathroom - three of which I was privileged to chaperone. What is it about eating that makes my kids have to go to the bathroom? I know it is a real thing because their GI doc said it is totally normal.  He even gave me a scientific term for it.  But I digress…

The two of us could have gone to dinner and a movie and hired a babysitter for the same (or less) price. We have officially entered the realm of no longer eating out as a family.

Table for Two? Yes please.

At the end of the dinner my husband and I just shared a look that silently said

"good grief why did we just do this?"  

And I am still not sure I have the answer.  I just wanted to share my pain with you all, and encourage you those of you with kids to get a sitter and have a nice date night!

Thanks for stopping by to think(?) with me!

How do you do it? Parenting multiple kids

Before this blog existed I was asked to write a guest post about raising older kiddos.  That blog is now gone so I figured I would resurrect the post from cyber-space, make it a little better, and then share it with you all.  

I have 4 kids who range in age from my ‘baby’ girl who is 38 months  – to my oldest son who is 12.  Sandwiched in the middle is a 6 year old daughter and 9 year-old son.   Two boys followed by two girls - all about 3 years apart. 

When asked to submit a post on what it was like to raise multiple kids my first thought was – it is EXHAUSTING.  My second thought was – it is HARD.  If I had a third though I am sure it would have been that it was wonderful... but generally it is a minor miracle for me to complete one thought let alone two.  I am not sure I got the that third thought until I sat down to write this.  

Parenting, when done right, is an exhausting experience – physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting. 

Why the idea of a mini-van makes me want to cry

I normally don't write super personal stuff here.  Cyber-space is filled with great writers who can make you laugh and cry and overall provide a really entertaining two and a half minutes. A friend told me early into my blogging (a few months ago) that I should stick with what I know.  Today,  I am writing from the heart, not the head.  Instead of writing about child development theories or getting your kids to eat veggies, I am writing about why the thought of a mini-van makes me cry.  If you get frustrated with posts about 'First World Problems' then just close the window.  Read no further. Sorry this is that kind of post. 

It is stupid right? I know.

So why is it so hard?

When I got married I wanted three kids, my husband wanted two.  After I converted to the faith we compromised and had five although we only have four to raise in this life.  Growing up it never occurred to me that I would be Catholic, practice NFP, or have more kids than I had room for in a standard car.

I learned how to drive on a 1969 Ford Longbed.  It was huge.  It was awesome.  It wasn't the least bit embarrassing because even though it was old, it was tough.  It had serious character.

A Gift of Sisterhood

I was having a Bad-Mommy-Moment.  You know, one of those times when I JUST MESSED-UP?

We were driving home from the noon-time soccer game which should have been a nice game but wasn't.  Everyone seemed whiny and it was super sunny (I know most of the country is snowed in but it was a tad bright over here in sunshine land), so the kids were jockeying for shade and spilling drinks… you get the picture.  It was one of those times where I felt we had set up the siblings to be good sideline support, but it just didn't work.

I just wanted to watch Anthony play.  I suppose I was being greedy.

At the end of the game I piled the girls into the car with the grand expectation (hope?) that they would fall asleep.  It was after all 90 minutes past nap time and they were well-feed.

They were cranky and I was cranky too.

Just as we hit the freeway they started at IT.  Doing the sibling thing.

How to Keep your Family Team Cheering: Older siblings and sports

A few weeks back,  I wrote about the importance of the groups your kids are involved in. It is a really brainy post, but the theory behind it was brought home for me today as I spoke with one of the other "team moms".  One of the great things about surrounding my kids with other great kids, is that fairly often those other great kids have amazing parents.  JR's soccer team is a great example.  The kids on the team are super nice, and their parents are well grounded.  I was reminded about that today during JR's soccer match.

One of the mom's commented that her daughter was really pushing back about attending the little brother's soccer games.  Their daughter is old enough to stay at home and soccer season is in full swing.  Some weekends the boys don't play, other Saturday's they have one game, and on tournament weekends they can have as many as 4 games.  Siblings can quickly lose their "supportive attitude" as they are schlepped from game to game, yet many parents want to reinforce the importance of supporting one another.

This brilliant mom came up with a great solution

Why Kid's Music Matters

My 11 year old doesn't understand why we even have it.  My 8 year old is just annoyed by it.  My 6 year old L.O.V.E.S to sing it at the top of her lungs.  My 2 year-old stops crying and claps when I turn it on.

What is it?

Toddler Tunes

Each of the kids, depending on their age, has a different, and very strong opinion. And it is a reaction shared by other their same age.

What is it about "the wheels on the bus" and "if you are happy and you know it", that elicits such a strong reaction?  As parents I think we understand why it is annoying to the older children because we share that annoyance.  We may also share their amazement at why it works to calm toddlers and their slightly older siblings. There is a reason why these song have survived for generations.

Panic Attack in the Deodorant Isle

I almost had my first panic attack today.

Or maybe you could say I had the beginnings of my first panic attack.

In the deodorant isle.

Background - after his soccer game this weekend Anthony, complained that his under-arms were "just so sticky".  Even though it is mid-late September he was playing AZ style in 100+ temperatures with humidity. Of course. His whole body was dripping in sweat but it was the under-arms that bothered him.  I explained that he probably should start wearing and antiperspirant.  So today I thought Anna and I would just pop in the drug store and grab some.

I passed the isle the first time and had to wrangle the extra large cart (in which Anna wanted to ride and I had already managed to 1/2 fill with stuff we didn't REALLY need) back around.  She disappeared for the moment to look at Frozen dolls and sesame Street plastic plates.  And that gave me just what I needed - time to over think the situation.

Sidebar: If you think this is going to be one of those brilliant posts (like all my other brilliant ones) about how to be a better mom and how to know and grow with your kid… sorry.  Somedays I am a mess too.  You can re-read a less emotional post by clicking here.  This is the post is more of a  "oh yeah - she really DOESN'T have it all together but I get it" type of post, possibly with some though provoking stuff at the end.

So, I am standing in the deodorant isle, and the thoughts go like this:

Oh cool, this is on sale 2/$5 perfect, wait is it both antiperspirant and deodorant? Oh, wait this other stuff says it doesn't have aluminum, but it is so expensive.  does it really work ? because we tried this same brand of toothpaste and it tasted like Prep H cream (we know this because we got the tubes mixed up once while traveling you can laugh but - don't judge- they were the same size).  I can't buy the antiperspirant because the toothpaste was nasty…crap…(I start reading labels)… is there aluminum is all of them…oh here this one doesn't but it is only a deodorant and his problem isn't stinking it is sweating definitely better to have an anti-perspirant and not a deodorant… but I guess aluminum is what makes it work must be because there are 50 brands here and only one without aluminum...am I a horrible mom for giving him aluminum… should I research this first?

Surviving the Witching Hour

I love my kids.  I really do.  My favorite times with them are when we engage one on one.  Just me and ONE of them.  My least favorite time of motherhood - the witching hour.  When all five of us are tired, hungry, and cranky.  We all have a different agenda and everyone seems to need mama's help.

Before we had kids, my husband and I would cook together after work.  We would chat and catch up.  He was a great sous chef and the process of cooking was so much fun.  When I had Anthony, we switched things up.   I would wait for him to get home and entertain the baby so that I could cook, or if timing didn't work out I would cook with Anthony either strapped to my back or in a little seat on the counter (yes, ON the counter, don't call CPS, he is just fine).   As the number of children increased, I became aware that I really wasn't going to be able to carry them all, no matter how cool the sling, while I cooked.  They also really couldn't wait until 7:00 or 7:30 to eat on a nightly basis (which is what it would be if I waited to start cooking until husband came home), so I needed to figure out how to get dinner on the table with all of them around.

The first obvious answer is to get the kids to pitch in and help.

http://www.publicdomaintreasurehunter.com/2010/05/08/hybrid-content-theory-the-joy-of-republishing-public-domain-cookbooks/

That is a great solution coming from someone with no kids or with only one child.

5 Things Every Grandparent Should Know

In our current culture, grandparents can be divided easily into three groups.   Those who are raising their grandchildren, those who live far away, and those who are close by.  About 1 in 10 children are being raised in a grandparent-headed household (Pew Research, 2014). This is for the other 90%.  Whether you are a Long Distance "Holiday Grannie" or one who lives close by, this is what your son or daughter won't tell you.



1 - They want to see you more and we want them to see you more.  They want you to be a bigger part of their children's lives. Yes, we are busy.  Yes, we know you are too.  So keep it simple.  Kids can be overwhelming especially in large families, so maybe just take one grandchild at a time, or tag along with their activities on occasion.  Get to know them.   Make them feel special.  Take them out for an ice-cream or to a movie or to the library.  Take them goofy-golfing.   Take them to piano lessons and stay to listen to their practice.  Teach them how to use a hammer or bait a hook.  Take them to a baseball game and teach them how to score it.  Bring them home with you to plant flowers in your garden.  Even a trip to the grocery store can be fun when you have a grandparent's attention.  If you are a long-distance grannie, then learn to video chat.  Schedule time to read them a book one night a week face-to-face on the computer.



2 - Let them get to know YOU.  We know you have a busy life.  We aren't asking for you to retire, give up your hobbies, and become a granny-nanny. Your life experiences are part of what defines who you are - so share your experiences.