Five Quick Parenting Tips: How to serve your family without losing yourself.

Reclaim your time

It is easy to be swept up in caring for others. Families are busy and the demands on parents is constant. Sometimes the demands of others seem to steal the hours away from us - but it doesn't have to be that way. Here are five things you can do today to reclaim your time and better service your family without losing yourself. 

How to reclaim your time:

1. Be organized. Think of organization on a continuum. As a parent you must have flexibility to respond to others needs. At the same time you frequently have small batched of time you can utilize if you are organized. For example, can you sort the mail daily and respond without it piling up? This only worked for me when once I set aside stamps, envelopes, pen, return labels and my checkbook in a drawer together. Otherwise, I spent too much time each day looking for a pen. 

2. Don't distract yourself. It is easy to distract ourselves with screens whenever we can. When you finally have a minute to pause, take that minute to breathe and think, not just click and scroll.

3. Prioritize. Decide each week what is essential and what is ideal, then protect the essential and strive to incorporate the ideal. If it is essential that you pray for 5 minutes in the morning, protect that time. If it is essential that you hit the grocery store Monday morning or attend an important meeting then make it happen. If you really want to have coffee with a friend, schedule it, and build the rest of your time around that appointment. If you have to cancel, be sure to reschedule right away. Thinking wistfully about doing something won’t get you there. Take the small steps to make the important things happen.

4. Use your quiet time carefully. Separate your tasks into things you can do with others around (fold laundry, wash dishes), and things you need quiet time to do (read, pray, respond to calls or emails). Use your quiet time for the things that you do better or more efficiently when you are not distracted. Using your quiet time carefully enables you to be more present to your family when they want attention.

5. Work towards a simple routine. This helps your family to better anticipate when you are and are not available. My family knows I am awake at 6, but not responsive until I come downstairs closer to 645. They know I do my weekly planning on Sunday. They know I am usually in the kitchen from 5-630 each night looking for company and conversation. Even young children can learn the best time to come to you for snuggles or reading time or conversation based on your schedule not their impulses.

We all have just 24 hours in a day and we all have a responsibility to be better stewards of the time we are given. 

Being at home with the family can be personally taxing as the demands seem constant. With intentionality and purpose though you can still serve with love and devotion, and maintain some semblance of self and you grow through your vocation.  

“We must take all the care that God wishes to take about perfecting ourselves, 

and yet leave the care of arriving at perfection entirely to God” .

- St. Francis de Sales

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Help Your Teen Find A Good College Fit

As I watched friends and acquaintances work through the college selection process, I admit it was fairly overwhelming. My husband attended Duke undergraduate, I attended Scripps Women's College, and we both did our various graduate work at Arizona State University. That gave us accidental experience on the small, midsize, and large campuses. Furthermore, I have done a very little teaching at JrCo and more at ASU. So we came to the college search with a bit of experience, although it was not recent. As we reorient ourselves to the college search process as parents, rather than as students or instructors, we are learning as we go and want to pass on what we have taken-in thus far. 

Let me start by saying it is possible that college may be not in the cards for all teens. That said, if you and your teen have decided that college is the path for them, this post is for you!

1) Identify your goal and your child's goal. This will differ by family. For all of our children, we want them to have a 4 year college residential college experience that will help prepare them for a more independent life - both practically independent (living away), financially independent, and independence of thought. All of our children currently aspire to be a college graduate so this is a shared goal.

2) Explore options. For each of our children, our hope is that we can find a college that will be a good fit for them personally. This may mean a large school for one and a tiny school for another. But in the first few years of highschool, we take every opportunity to give them a chance to see college campuses.  This means when we travel to see family, we look at a college. When we travel for soccer, we look at a college. When we visit a new city, we talk about what it may like for them to live in a place like this. Our middle school and highschool are very small so the older two have both been drawn to smaller campuses which still seem to feel very large. In one long weekend we were able to walk 4 very different campuses in one region and do a great comparison. He was not particularly interested in any of the schools prior, but taking the time to walk the campus gave him a chance to personally compare and contrast. 

3) Talk about careers and majors early, but be flexible. Our sons have been interested in engineering. They may or may not pursue that. Apply to colleges without engineering programs is a waste of time and will limit their options. This doesn't mean they can't look at other majors, it simply means they have the most opportunity. Our eldest entered as an engineering major because that is the major that required the most credits. He can easily transfer out of engineering later, but he can't transfer into engineering without adding semesters. 

4) Money matters. Let's not pretend that it doesn't. We have found the best merit based scholarships go to the prospective students whom the colleges want the most. This likely means that if you have an SAT of 1400, and you apply to a school with a median SAT of 1450, you are not likely to get a lot of merit money. If however you apply to a school where you 1400 puts you in the top 5-10% of students, money will likely follow. Not all schools have merit money. Some prefer to give on a need basis only. Also, some schools offer a few full tuition scholarships, others offer quite a few full-tuition scholarships. Look at what you need to qualify for those full tuition awards and see if it is realistic for you.

5) Talk about the money openly with your teen from the beginning. Who is paying for this and how will it be possible? Do you have a 529 plan? Will you take out loans? Will your child be footing the bill for tuition and room and board? Will he or she need to work while in school? There is no sense in looking at colleges that are outside the realm of possibility financially. We have crossed great schools off the list because they are just not financially realistic, and our sons do not want to have great amounts of school debt.

6) Keep a spreadsheet. I know not everyone is into this, but a spreadsheet is an easy way to remember which schools were small/med/large, which region it was in, urban or rural, tuition/room & board, what were the median SAT, and if there is anything that stood out about the school. Our sons had/have soccer to consider as well so we include team/coach information as well. This is shareable so we can each update it or add comments ourselves. 

7) Pray about it. This is a big step for you and your young adult. Don't forget to pray every step of this journey. When my son was trying to decide between his top two schools I simply surrendered the situation to the Lord and asked Him to make it clear to my son.  The Lord know where you child should be. 

Once you take into consideration your child's preferences for things like size, region, prestige, majors, study abroad possibilities, extracurricular opportunities, price tag, and residential situation, you may find that that overwhelming list of schools has narrowed itself down naturally. With only one in college now and a few more to go we will be sure to update as we learn more in this process. Until then good luck with your own searches!

Our Journey with Celiac Disease

In honor of my sweet girl and today's special mention as Celiac Disease Awareness Day, I am going a little off brand today and sharing our story. I say a little off brand because Celiac Disease actually effects 1 in 100 and many of those cases are undiagnosed. When my daughter was diagnosed at age 5, we were told that most people are symptomatic for 7-12 years before a diagnosis. This is insane to me because the initial diagnosis for us was done with a simple blood test. The diagnosis was then confirmed through an endoscopy with biopsy, which is a low-risk outpatient procedure. 

What is Celiac Disease?

Celiac Disease is an auto-immune disorder, which can case a variety of symptoms. When someone with celiac disease eats gluten, which is protein found in wheat, barley, oats or rye, the body undergoes an immune reaction.  This is not the same as an allergic reaction. With celiac disease the immune response occurs in wall of the small intestine, and specifically the villi which line the small intestine and are responsible for the absorption of nutrients as food passes from the stomach through the intestines. If these villi are damaged, they cease to be able to do their job, and the person with celiac disease ceases to get the nutrients they need to grow and live healthy lives. 

People with celiac disease are 2x more likely to develop coronary heart disease and 4x more likely to develop a small bowl cancer. It is also associated with a host of other auto immune diseases like multiple sclerosis (MS),  migraines, anemia, infertility and a host of other things as well including a short stature. 

There is no cure for celiac disease, however it can be managed and the damage to the small intestine reduced, by the complete elimination of gluten from ones diet. 

Our Story

After year of slow or no growth in our preschooler, she began complaining of random stomach aches. I passed them off to a stress tummy because she was starting kindergarden and I was pregnant with her little sister.  The stomach aches did not abate and she was in the 20th% for heigh and weight by that point, so her doctor ordered a blood panel to test for celiac disease. The blood work indicated that yes she was having an immune response. We then consulted with a pediatric gastroenterologist and scheduled a endoscopy with biopsy which confirmed the suspected diagnosis. 

There are a whole host of symptoms for celiac disease, some of which she has had, others not so much: 

Failure to thrive

Short Stature

Brittle bones

Delayed growth/delayed puberty

Vomiting

Chronic diarrhea/constipation

Tummy aches

Fatigue

Irritability

Eczema/skin rashes

Damaged tooth enamel

Canker sores

Anemia

In general, the symptoms are associated with malnutrition because the body is unable to absorb the nutrients via the small intestine. 

Living Gluten Free

Because we are a family of 6 and all the children were fairly little but fairly independent, we chose to go completely gluten free as a family for a while. Prior to doing so however all 1st degree relatives needed to be tested. This unfortunately revealed a host of other family members (cousins, aunts, grandparents) who had not yet been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. Thus our diagnosis changed the way we ate in our home, but also how family in 2 other homes ate as well.  

Once all the testing was done, we set up our kitchen as a completely gluten free kitchen. Sauces that have soy-sauce for instance had to go (it is made with wheat). Breads and mixes and cereals and all the obvious stuff was given away as well. Rather than substituting with the less tasty GF breads right away (they are less tasty!), we tried to break a little carb addition and hope that our mouths and our minds would forget how good gluten breads tasted. I also found a whole host of new recipes to try out and add to the rotation rather than trying to adapt old favorites as gluten free.  For instance instead of attempting to make my favorite chocolate chip cookies gf,  I found a recipe for gf monster cookies and gf lemon cookies that are both amazing.  

After a short while, I realized that having the entire family gf was not financially sensible. Gf substitutes are generally twice the price of the non-gf foods, and frequently are not as filling. I committed to cooking all our family meals as gf, but then also had gluten breads or cereals or baked goods for her non-gf big brothers and father. The boys were a little older so we made a deal. I would allow them to eat gluten in the house as long as they were careful not to cross contaminate. If she started with symptoms or her bloodwork showed gluten exposure we would go back to completely gluten free. As my daughter got older, she has began to really take responsibility for her diet and when she wants specific gf foods or baked goods she has figured out how to make them and make them well enough that even the boys want whatever she creates. 

As the years went on, it became much easier to eat gluten free. With the popularity of the low-carb or no-carb diets, options like lettuce wraps reduced much of the stress. Packaging began labeling things GF making it easy to find the right foods. In the last few years some grocery stores even have gf sections.  

If you are switching to a gluten free diet, there are 5 tips to help.

If you are not on a gluten free diet, and just reading this for your own edification, that is awesome! I will leave you one more though regarding how to support those around you who struggle with celiac disease. Please recognize that it is not a choice - it is a medically restrictive diet that is exhausting to maintain. It is frustrating not to have the pizza and cake at every single birthday party. It is frustrating to have to explain why you aren't eating when everyone else is digging in at a social gathering. It is anxiety producing to go to functions, weekend retreats, summer camps, friends houses and not know if you are going to be able to eat anything they provide. It is nerve wracking to travel and know that you have to pack all your own food because that special meal you requested may or may not be available, and that town may or may not have gluten free options, and your waiter may or may not have a clue what it means to be gluten free. Living with celiac disease is stressful and frustrating, but can be a beautiful way to grow in self-control and temperance. My daughter learned at an early age that just because something looks tasty and she is hungry and it is right in front of her, that doesn't mean she should eat it. This is the way she was created, beautifully and perfectly for a unique purpose, and this cross will help her to grow in holiness if she perseveres and accepts it. This is her journey and I am so lucky to be on it with her. 

Thanks for stopping by!

But Everybody Else is Doing It: Addressing FOMO as a Family

But Everybody else gets go, 

Everybody else gets to play, 

Everybody else gets to watch it, 

Everybody else has one...

The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.

Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.

There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.

Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO

Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.

Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements.  We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.

How to Parent in a Pandemic

Parenting in the current climate is hard.  For many of us it is harder than we would have thought it would be. Having our own children around and spending time at home with our spouse aren’t traditionally seen as hardships. However, fear of illness, employment uncertainty, frustration, with new learning processes, and a loss of our own social support are new trials we are struggling to endure.

For those fortunate to still have gainful employment, there are stresses of working at home with children to parent during the day. For families experiencing job loss, unemployed or underemployed, uncertainty regarding meeting their families basic needs exists, and this breeds fear and anxiety.

Fear and anxiety love to grow in uncertain times. When we lack a mental schema, or a mental representation for how to proceed, our creative instincts can get the best of us.  We have so few answers, and no real understanding of how or when this will end, what our culture will look like, when can we return to regular mass, what will happen with the schooling in the fall.

If we were “just” and I use just in air quotes, experiencing an economic recession, we would sort of know what to expect. We have been through some of those. If we were just experiencing (again with air quotes) a big flu season, we may know better what to expect, when it will go away. 

The fact we aren’t able to plan for the future makes this so much harder.

We need to balance the reality of the day-to-day difficulty with the truth that parenting is our vocation.  Just as God can bring good from suffering, as parents we can invite Him to bring increased goodness into our homes now.

We parent in the present, we love in the present, we live in the present. So we can take this time to learn to be more present. Don’t worry about the future – Saint Padre Pio said “Pray hope, and don’t worry.”

That doesn’t mean being less intentional about your parenting.

We should all take some time to think about how we want our kids to remember this time (read more about thathere). We have a beautiful opportunity to spend time with, and connect with our kids in such a unique way right now, but we need to be intentional about it. The intensity with which we parent now has changed as has and the opportunity to play a bigger role in our children’s lives.  

Being present and living more in the moment is the answer to more fully embracing the opportunities we have at home now.

The research on stress tells us that if we are under stress, we either need to remove the stressor, or we need to change our reaction to the stress. We can’t remove our children, or spouse, or the threat of illness, so we have to change our reaction to the stress. 

Pandemic Parenting: How are my kids going to remember this time?

This question is a little haunting to those of us with kids old enough to form deep and lasting memories. Are these events of our time going to be catalysts for life changing, personality influencing, lasting effects on the psyche? Will our kids look back at this spring and reminisce like they do about a fun vacation or a failed camping trip? Will there be jokes about your sourdough starter? Will it influence their choice in occupation? 

The answer is complicated, and largely unknown because we still don’t know yet how long this will last or what the large societal ripple effects will be. 

It also will depend on the family as well and how each family is coping with the circumstances. We all know families that have been furloughed, lost jobs, seen dramatic increases in work hours, and everything in between. Each family will experience this differently because their circumstances are different. 

Are their universals in how our kids remember this? Will there be what Developmental scientists call Cohort effects? 

Compressing as a Remedy for Stressing

Sometimes when a muscle or joint is super tight a therapist, rather than stretching the area, will compress it in order to get it to relax. It seems counter intuitive, but it works to help that area to relax. The other night I found myself in one of those parenting moments of heightened anxiety. Maybe it was the storm outside, or the cancelation of practices (I am horrible with changes to the schedule), maybe it was the soundtrack of our life with the thump - thump - thump of the ball against the wall and the chatter of the girls interrupted by thunder outside…regardless, I found myself in the kitchen barely keeping it together.  I took deep breathes and tried to show prudence in my response to the little loves and their requests, all the while feeling a constriction in my entire torso.  I was at that moment that I just gave in. I gave into the tightness and stress and confusion in the schedule. Rather than continuing to stretch myself I constricted. I turned inward. I grabbed my rosary and went room to room asking each of the kids at home if they wanted to join me for the rosary. Right now.  In the dinning room. I sat with my 13 year old and we just prayed. And as promised a peace came over us and over the home. There are three things in this situation which were bold and new for me.

1) I prayed in a very public space.
2) I invited the kids to join me instead either demanding it, or hiding from them.
3) I added something sacred during a time of day when I typically was simply responding to the needs of others.

Let me tell you that in moments of intense frustration, I rarely have the wisdom to turn to prayer. But just as it is counter intuitive to compress a muscle that needs to be stretched, when we are stretched beyond what we think we can tolerate, we too must compress, and rest in the Lord. And sometimes that means adding something to an already full or overwhelming situation. Rather than stripping away tasks on the list, sometimes we need to add prayer to the top.

Midas and Me: On becoming a Dog Person

Don't let the photo fool you. I have never been much of a Dog Person. My family had enough of them. Them meaning dogs and Dog People both.  My parents have always had a dog or two - very well behaved dogs I might add. My siblings have usually had a pair a piece as well. When we had been married just a few months, my husband decided it was time for a dog. I always knew I wanted my kids to grow up with a dog, so I guess that meant we had to get one. I wasn’t really ready for the responsibility, but he was so we took the plunge.

I was rather neutral on the subject for most of our time together.  Our meaning the dog and I. I have never been neutral with my husband. Flint, as we named him, was a great dog. Like amazingly awesome. A full-bred Black Lab, he lived for the tennis ball, the water, and the family. That was really it. He was smart and well trained and loveable. After more than a dozen years we had to say goodbye and it broke my husband’s heart. You can read that sad story here.   

Now remember me saying that I wanted the kids to grow up with a dog… well here we were with four kids (aged baby to tween) and no dog.  So of course we had to get another one. It wasn’t just that the kids were begging for one, it was that I really think dogs add something special to a family. I wasn’t sure why, because, again, not a Dog Person, but I just knew we needed to move towards getting another one.  A year passed.  My husband wasn’t ready. Another year began and I decided it was time.

Everyone told me I was going to be the one doing every thing- feeding, walking, poop-scooping, whatever. It was all going to fall on me.  And they were mostly right. 

My husband said ‘he won’t be as awesome as Flint because Flint was the perfect dog”, and he was sort of right too. Flint was our dog – his and mine.  We raised him and brought him through puppy hood before we had kids.  We practiced our parenting on him.

But now we are parents, in the most active parts of parenting, and we have this dog. This huge puppy.  And it is different. Midas is my dog.  He isn’t my kid’s dog, he isn’t my husband’s dog, he isn’t our family dog.  He is mine. I don't know how it happened that way, but it did. And that is okay. We mostly have shared responsibilities for the daily stuff.  But I am the one whose heart he has captured. 

From the first moments when he crawled into my lap, to the moments now when he just quietly follows me from room to room while I go about the tasks of motherhood, he is mine.  And I am his.  He is the one to greet me when I come home to a quiet house after dropping the kids at school.  He is the one to follow me into the bedroom at night.  He has learned where he can lay and watch me cook, and when he needs to go to his own spot. I know that in the years to come he will be a source of comfort and companionship. When the kids leave home for college, Midas will very likely still be there, at home, waiting for me.  He won’t move on to cooler, better, more grown up things. I will always be enough for him.

Although he is another mouth to feed and he adds tasks to my schedule, he is never a source of guilt.  Midas is happy, truly happy with what ever I have to give. And I have to admit it is kind of nice being able to escape the chaos of the house a few days a week for a really long walk with Midas. As a mom, I of course feel like I am never able to do enough or be enough, and yet looking at him I see unconditional love. What ever I have to give is enough.    And that is pretty cool. 

So to all you dog lovers out there – I get it now. I am not sure I am ready to dub myself a Dog Person, but Midas is working on me a little at a time.  

Thanks for stopping by!  

How to Survive the Seasons of Motherhood: Redefining Your Normal

When my firstborn was about 6 weeks old, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.  I was on the phone with a friend who had two older kids.  She had just told me I wouldn't ever sleep again.  I was ToTheBoneTired, and maybe without thinking I had asked "but how much longer before I get some sleep?".  I was really glad she was so honest with me though because it helped me realize something.

I had to stop trying to reclaim my past life and instead I needed to redefine my normal. 

I thought I had hit my groove a few years ago. With each child I had adapted and been able to keep up well enough.  I was mothering three little-ish ones, was able to make dinner most nights, founded/ran a pretty decent mothers group at our parish (read more here). I was in a neighborhood bunko group, had a cool book club, went to MOPS, and managed to work in a date night as frequently as we could find a babysitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I had it really good. I was able to duck away about one night a week for 'me time', get to the gym regularly during the day for a little break and shower, and even have a regular lunch with friends (and our kids) on occasion. 

I mistakenly assumed that this was what motherhood was going to be like forever.  The advent of our little Anna changed everything, but honestly it would have changed even if I hadn't had her.  I had just turned over leadership of my mom's ministry and helped create a new ministry for women at our parish. My new baby showed me I really could only have 'one baby' so I backed out leadership there too.  My bunco group conflicted with the boys sports, my book club just wasn't worth all the hassle.  Lunches out became too much of a struggle with a gaggle of kiddos and the expense of feeding two growing boys made it extravagant even when they were well behaved. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

So I have to redefine normal again. Normal is no longer taking care of the family and filling the spare time with stuff that I love doing.  It is no longer taking a shower every day or grabbing lunch with a friend.  


It is school projects and soccer/dance/gymnastics/piano, homework and groceries. And laundry laundry laundry. I have become a TwoCart Costco shopper and nothing that is easy before seems easy anymore.  

It is as if my 24 hour day has been slowly shorted.  Just a few minutes each day.  Like my LifeClock is fast and I always think I have more time, but each day I have just a little less.

So I sleep less, I wash my hair less, I shop less (unless it is for food or done online), I make more lists, I exercise when I can (usually with children or dog in tow), and it takes me forever to finish a book. I find ways to volunteer that are short-term, low risk, and low stress, and most importantly done as a team with people I love. I write when I can and try not to stress about the weeks that have gone by since my last blog post. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

My challenge at this stage is recognize that this too is a stage, and find the beauty in the chaos. My time of having one child in Jr.High, one in Preschool, and two in between will be short.  Even though we aren't able to have more kids (more about that here), I recognize that I will need to stay open and maybe even embrace the changes that come with family life. Six years from now (God willing) I will only have 3 kids to tuck in at night.  It is a scary thought but at the same time comforting, because I know that there is no way I can maintain this pace for more than a few years. But I don't have too, because it is just a season. 

Whatever your season in Motherhood, embrace it sister. Don't stress about it. Realize it is the normal for this time, today and tomorrow, but your normal will evolve into something new.  Embrace the challenge and know that you will grow into the newness. The newness brings opportunity to grow, to grow in Faith, to grow in virtue, ultimately to grow in Motherhood. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Beauty for Ashes: A retreat recap

Well Friends, I am back.  A little blogging break, unintentional but necessary due to continued rest and recovery, sick kids, spring breaks, birthdays, and a little retreat planning thrown in as well.  But after an amazing retreat experience I am back.

The first Blessed Is She retreat has come and gone and it absolutely rocked my world.  Over 150 women from across the nation gathered together to rest in His word, His presence, and His sisters.  We had amazing speakers and some pretty good food too.  Here were my highlights...

1- Music by Ike Ndolo and Rachel LeBeau... We got them all weekend!  And for the closing time and adoration they were joined by some musicians who used to tour with Matt Mahr... The price of the retreat ticket was worth just the music alone!

2.  Sisterhood & Sisterwives.. So we are all sisters in Christ right?  We are actually Sisters in that we are daughters of the King... but we are all called to an intimate relationship with Christ as well.  He is our beloved.  And in some way that sort of makes us a special kids of Sisterwives.  We are all lovers of the same Christ. I got to meet some friends that I had connected with only online.  I got to meet new sisters in Christ and got to grow closer with old friends as well.

3- Being surrounded by True Beauty.  The fabulous lady in charge of food and decoration (not me) had a vision of beauty for this retreat. It was a hippy-ish, outdoor-ish, fresh and natural beauty.  We hung hundreds of vines from the ceilings, had twinkle lights all over, and handmade flower crowns for the attendees.  And these ladies wore the crowns all day - like for 14 hours!  Looking out at the beautiful faces crowned with flowers and shining with love of Christ was glorious.

4- Mass with a bunch of Chicks instead of with my little chicks.  I went to a women's college and I know the impact that being around women all day has.  I had never really thought of that in terms of mass however.  The priest (who was just amazing by the way) was able to really tailor His homily to US - to Women - and it was the best homily I have ever heard.  He spoke of Jesus as our protector in such a beautiful way.  And I wasn't distracted by my little chicks like usual so that helped too!

5- Adoration... Being in the presence of the Lord is of course The Highlight of the weekend, but we actually had a whole day to prepare our hearts for him.  Unlike my usual popping in to visit Him in the hustle of the day, this adoration followed a day of reflection, of praise and worship, and mass.  Our hearts were softened all day and minds were turned to Him.  We were ready for Him.  Confession was available during the day and so for many women they were able to do confession, mass and adoration all within a few hours.  We were longing to spend time with Him.  And then the priest totally rocked my world when he brought the monstrance around!! We were able to touch the hem of the cloth that surrounded the monstrance and gaze upon Him 1:1...it was amazing.

If you weren't able to attend the retreat this year look for it again next year.  It will be small and intimate again. The speakers were great this year and I am sure will be great again next year.  Heather Renshaw gave the keynote and you can hear it here.  If you aren't connected with Blessed is She online yet go here to get the daily devotion and the weekly note from Jenna, the Beautiful Soul behind this ministry.

Thanks for stopping by!

Loosing my Fertility and Looking Beyond Babies

A few months back I wrote a post (here) about fertility and the possibility that I may be loosing mine. It was mostly a rambling post to process the possibility that I may be done with my childbearing years.  Today I am re-reading that post and ministering to myself as I come to terms with that possibility being a reality.  Turns out the specialist I saw has found the sources (three!) of my problems and they are all able to be remedied by a hysterectomy and some other surgical stuff at that same time.

The hysterectomy is the big think though - that is where they remove your uterus.  Your womb.  The home were my 5 babies grew and one baby's heart stopped beating. Ugh.

They are going to take the uterus and leave the ovaries so that I will hormonally still be mostly the same, I just obviously won't have a menstrual cycle or the possibility of having kids naturally.  I will still go through menopause (and get those lovely hot flashes) at the normal time, but I won't obviously loose any cycle then because I am loosing it with the surgery.

Cognitively... I am okay with all this.  I have four beautiful children to wake up to every morning. I have had 5 pregnancies and 4 C-sections. I have a medical solution to my pain and soon I will be pain free and able to really live again like a healthy person. It will mean 2-5 nights in the hospital and 4-6 weeks to heal so that isn't so bad.

Emotionally I am still not OK.  Not at all.  I keep asking myself why do I have such a heavy heart?

Emotionally I am filled with such sadness. The slow down in my blogging is a reflection of the darkness that is settling over me. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I want to escape. I don't want to think about it and I don't want to write about it. I really just want to sit in my room with a good book and forget about everything around me.  Cheerful right? This blog post itself has taken over a month to write.

Accepting the reality that I won't have any more kids is a shock to my system and I can't help but think of those women who DON'T have a full house already.  So first and foremost I am sad for others.  Just having a little glimmer of what it must be like, makes my heart feel like it is breaking - not for me but for them.  I can't possibly know what that feels like to have empty arms and to know that your body isn't working in accordance with your will.  I feel a bit betrayed by my body and really, in all honesty, that uterus has served me very well.  It was quite irritable during pregnancies but it didn't fail me.

There is a larger part for me however, that sees my sadness is tied up with a sort of confusion.  As a Catholic woman being open to life is part of who I am.  Even though my husband and I weren't planning on more kids, we certainly weren't closing any doors if you know what I mean.  We have had our own struggles with NFP (which I wrote about here), but have generally embraced it since my conversion. For us, "being open to life" has always been inextricably linked to having kids and practicing NFP. And now it isn't.

The Happiest Parents Have A lot of Kids!

Or at least that is what the popular press is reporting.  I was shocked that they were covering it at all, but not so surprised that they got the results just a little wrong.

As a mother of four, I was thrilled to hear about Dr. Harman's findings out of Australia's Edith Cowan University. Often when the news reports research in my field, I go straight to the source and have a little chat with the study author. It is a perk of having the letters P H and D after my name. Dr. Harman sent me copy of the actual study summary and we went back a forth a few times about the research.  Although she said the results being reported are a little misleading, it appears as though we do have evidence that of "the more the merrier" really is mostly true but maybe not in the way you think.

Dr. Harman conducted a 5 year research study with the goal to explore the relationship between resilience, social support, self-esteem and life-satisfaction in parents, (source). Dr. Harman found that mothers of four or more children were the happiest group of the various family types. She did not however find that mothers of four or more were happier than mothers of say two children, or less happy than mothers with eight kids, because she didn't compare family size, but rather family type.  Dr Harman writes in her summary discussion

Overall, mothers of large families with higher self esteem were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. One interpretation of these results is that mothers of large families feel supported (older children helping younger children, for example), but may lose their sense of self.

Dr. Harman said that mothers of larger families overall had higher self-esteem.  They basically feel like they are doing a pretty good job and are well supported. They also were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. She speculated that they may loose their sense of self in the process - she didn't measure that quantitatively, but collected some qualitative data that directed her to that conclusion. But that loss of self is still associated with greater life satisfaction so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about having to drive the dreaded mini-van (for more on that click here).

The next great question is of course

"Why do lots of kids correlate with greater life satisfaction?"

Dr. Harman was sited in The Sydney Herald in August (2015) as stating "The parents usually say they always wanted a large family, it was planned that way, and it was a lifestyle they'd chosen".  So are these parents who choose this lifestyle just a different 'type' of people?

Yes, actually. That seems to be at the crux of this study comparing family types.

As a mother of four myself, and friend to many mothers of four or more children, I can say as a lay person that parents like those in the study who have been purposeful in having a larger family are likely couples who have chosen to take an optimistic and hopeful approach to parenting. I am not speaking of research here, but rather experience when I say that these types of parents tend to able to embrace the beauty and joy of parenthood and delight in their little ones. When discerning whether or not my husband and I felt our family was "full" with just the three, my mother pointed to my (then) 2, 5 and 7 year olds and said she could think of 3 reasons why we should have more kids... Gracie, JR, and Anthony.

Parents who choose large families, don't let fear prevent them from loving another child.  They love with reckless abandonment and choose to leave a family legacy not of human 'replacement' or social reproduction, but of human expansion.  

I recently got caught up reading about the War of the Roses in England.  Truth be told, I was reading historical fiction (not real history), but one thing that struck me in the novels was the love and appreciation that people used to have for large families. Large families were the ideal and each child was embraced as a blessing. There are many social reasons for this of course, but I found such comfort in that attitude which permeated the (then) Catholic society, whereas I find the current cultural (secular) attitude to be isolating. In present American society, the stereotype is that couples with many off-spring either don't know how babies are made, or they are too ignorant to stop it, or they are socially and financially irresponsible. A couple couldn't possible want more than just a few of these little people, right? Children are not seen as a gift, or a blessing, or something to cherish. They are approached as one more thing on a checklist of lifetime achievements and something to accept in moderation.

College (check), job (check), spouse (check), house (check), 

kid one (check), kid two (check), vasectomy (check).

Large families are more chaotic, but that chaos doesn't descend overnight. We grow into the noise and the chaos. We start with one (or maybe more) at a time and slowly re-adjust our family life, then we add another and re-adjust, and then make room for another, and another. Good parenting is about adjusting and shifting as our children grow and mature.  In our adjusting and shifting we too grow.  Growth is constant when you have a larger family and living a little off balanced allows us to turn to one another and to God with great regularity, often resulting in a closer knit family.

Large families require both parents to be completely committed to the family. In order for large families to really function you have to have both parents really involved. Although the division of responsibility can still be fairly traditional in many of these families, large families require that dads participate in the daily raising of the kids, even if that role is as mom's cheerleader. All of the children learn how to pitch in and help out, because just one person can not possibly do it all.

This study is great evidence of something that those of us with large families have known all along. Having large families is great for our mental and spiritual health. Yes it is messy. Yes it is crazy. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to loose ourselves in the service of others, but all parenting is messy and crazy and hard. There is no shame in loosing a little of ourselves to make room for more love. The love that we share in a family grows exponentially with each child we welcome into our home. And with love comes happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. There is so much to say on the topic and space here was limited.  I hope this research sparks conversation and as always, thanks for stopping by!

For more on raising multiple kids check out this post (click here).

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last

The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  

I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  

You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?

Letting Go So that You Can Grow

As I knelt in the pew and tucked my chin to pray I stole a peek at the little form curled up on the floor. Her head resting on the kneeler, her blanket draped casually over her little shoulders.  She looked up and gave me a pacifier masked smile. And I breathed in God and His peace.  This is my space. This is where I connect with Him.

Getting up to go to Mass is tough.  Going to Mass with an energetic preschooler is even tougher.    There are bathroom needs and drink needs and it is just so hard to sit still.  I saw one friend pull her 3-year old off the choir bannister this week after the little girl had shimmied her way about 1/2 way down towards the altar.  When I was many months pregnant with JR, Anthony got away from me and darted down the center isle during the consecration.  I stayed in the back terrified he was going to go straight up those altar steps. He rounded the altar and ran back up the side aisle into my shaking arms.  I was so furious and so embarrassed!  The priest wasn't troubled in the least.

As a newish mom, I was worried about doing everything right in the eyes of others. I was the first one in our family to have kids (on both sides) and I was very aware of the watchful but silent judgment of others. I didn't want my kids having pacifiers outside of their beds & certainly not as they grew into preschoolers.  I didn't want my kids eating in Mass - Mass was for worship not snack.  I didn't want my kids bringing toys or turning their backs to the altar even it if was so that they could lean into me and get a little closer.  Now as look at my little love curled up quietly, I rejoice that I don't care so much about the judgements of others.  I don't care if people think my daughter should be kneeling next to me, if people think she should leave her blanket in the crib, I don't care if they think she shouldn't have her bag of cereal or her water bottle - I am there for God, not for the person next to me or behind me or in front of me.  Anna is quiet and comfortable, and I am able to rest in the presence of our Lord.  That is pretty amazing.

Letting go of the judgmental thoughts I have of myself, and those that I speculate others may hold, gives me an opportunity to change my focus away from what my daughter is or is not doing, to focus on the cross.  Every thought about how others perceive me is a wasted thought that could be spent on Him.

I have been blessed with a few kids who like daily Mass. It is quiet, it is cool, it is peaceful. Once the older kids tumble out of the car we have a chance to take a deep breath.  If Anna isn't going to preschool herself, she often asks to go into the church for Mass.  I think she asks because of the peace.  It may have to do with the lollipop she gets after Mass, but I also think it is because she is comfortable there.  She can sit with her 'lovies' and just relax while I pray.  After shouting and tears and spilt coffee and forgotten lunch boxes it is a luxury for us both to just be at peace in God's presence for a few minutes before we really start our day again together.

The time will come when she will be required to full participate in the Mass.  Daily Mass is in some ways easier (it is shorter) and in other ways harder (it is quiet!).  Daily Mass is a stripped down Mass and a perfect training Mass as she learns to be still.  In Sunday Mass we require a little more of her but she has siblings setting an example of how she is to behave.  What she is learning in daily Mass is that Mommy needs Mass.  Mommy needs God's word.  Mommy needs prayer time.  Mommy needs the Eucharist.  She can color or lay on the pew or curl up on the floor - as long as she lets me connect with the Lord at His table.

Next time you find yourself wanting to do to Mass and thinking it is too hard with a little one (or 3!), give yourself a break.  Loosen up your rules and let go of your own judgements about how kids have to behave.  Let your little one bring a book or crayons or dolls or a cookie- what ever it takes so that you can sit with God, even if it is for just part of the service. At the end of the week, you want their Mass memories to be positive (or at least neutral). You need to be able to relax connect in order to make the most of it too.

So relax, let go of the fear and self-judging, and let yourself grow closer to God.

Thanks for stopping by!