Five Quick Parenting Tips: How to serve your family without losing yourself.

Reclaim your time

It is easy to be swept up in caring for others. Families are busy and the demands on parents is constant. Sometimes the demands of others seem to steal the hours away from us - but it doesn't have to be that way. Here are five things you can do today to reclaim your time and better service your family without losing yourself. 

How to reclaim your time:

1. Be organized. Think of organization on a continuum. As a parent you must have flexibility to respond to others needs. At the same time you frequently have small batched of time you can utilize if you are organized. For example, can you sort the mail daily and respond without it piling up? This only worked for me when once I set aside stamps, envelopes, pen, return labels and my checkbook in a drawer together. Otherwise, I spent too much time each day looking for a pen. 

2. Don't distract yourself. It is easy to distract ourselves with screens whenever we can. When you finally have a minute to pause, take that minute to breathe and think, not just click and scroll.

3. Prioritize. Decide each week what is essential and what is ideal, then protect the essential and strive to incorporate the ideal. If it is essential that you pray for 5 minutes in the morning, protect that time. If it is essential that you hit the grocery store Monday morning or attend an important meeting then make it happen. If you really want to have coffee with a friend, schedule it, and build the rest of your time around that appointment. If you have to cancel, be sure to reschedule right away. Thinking wistfully about doing something won’t get you there. Take the small steps to make the important things happen.

4. Use your quiet time carefully. Separate your tasks into things you can do with others around (fold laundry, wash dishes), and things you need quiet time to do (read, pray, respond to calls or emails). Use your quiet time for the things that you do better or more efficiently when you are not distracted. Using your quiet time carefully enables you to be more present to your family when they want attention.

5. Work towards a simple routine. This helps your family to better anticipate when you are and are not available. My family knows I am awake at 6, but not responsive until I come downstairs closer to 645. They know I do my weekly planning on Sunday. They know I am usually in the kitchen from 5-630 each night looking for company and conversation. Even young children can learn the best time to come to you for snuggles or reading time or conversation based on your schedule not their impulses.

We all have just 24 hours in a day and we all have a responsibility to be better stewards of the time we are given. 

Being at home with the family can be personally taxing as the demands seem constant. With intentionality and purpose though you can still serve with love and devotion, and maintain some semblance of self and you grow through your vocation.  

“We must take all the care that God wishes to take about perfecting ourselves, 

and yet leave the care of arriving at perfection entirely to God” .

- St. Francis de Sales

Thanks for stopping by!

No Advent Fails

As usual I had lofty goals for Advent this year. My Advent journal was prepped and ready, the decorations were up, many of the gifts were purchased, and I even bought my purple and rose colored candles ahead of time.

And as usual my goals of really entering into the season, and spending time in deep contemplation about the arrival of my Lord and Savior in the form of a little baby, went unrealized.

Each year I have some excuse. This year I got sick. Not deathly ill, or even super sick requiring Rx or a trip to the doctor. No, I just got a really persistent upper respiratory something.  It came the first Sunday of Advent and just hung around all month. It sucked my energy, my motivation, and kept me at an arms length (or more) from many friends and families.

And it slowed me down. In a time of hustle and bustle, this little bug dropped me into first gear and I sort of trudged through life. The result of this dampening of energy meant that the class party I had to organize was fine rather than great (no one seemed to care that the hot cocoa was actually chocolate milk), the Christmas cards did not go out (or even get addressed), the family ate quite a few more take-and-make dinners than normal (and enjoyed every bite), the gifts were simplified all round (who cares if the packages have bows), and we left the Christmas party early (unnoticed I am sure).

So what if we only lit the Advent candles a few nights each week. Advent isn't about lighting candles, or planning the perfect party or sending an amazing card. Like all of our special times in the church calendar, Advent is about living life differently. Sometimes those special times are feast days, sometimes they are fasting days, sometime they are seasons of preparation, but they are different for a reason. They shock our system. They help us to notice a truly Joyful or Reverent time. Advent is a time to prepare for that truly Joyful time of Christmas.

Too often we hope for a grand revelation during our Advent or Lent season. We look for a conversion of our own heart, without realizing that when align our hearts to Christ, we are continually being transformed. This Advent I had to slow dow.  Really slow down. I had to choose what was important, what was urgent, and what could be left out. And then I just let go of it all. I stead of getting out of bed to read my journal and write and reflect, I stayed in bed and just prayed. Good prayer. Just talking with Jesus in the silence of the early hours and resting in His love.  And that is how I prepared. It wasn't extravagant, or complicated, or even recommended, but it worked. It wasn't a Fail. And now we get to celebrate.

As this New Year approaches what sort of goals are you going to set for yourself? Are they going to be lofty-impossible-to-achieve goals that leave you deflated and defeated as the first flowers of spring pop up, or are they going to be less measurable goals that lead to a transformation in your heart and mind?

What I Did on my Summer Vacation: Double-Dating in England

The kids are back in school (phew) and I have a moment to breathe in the serenity of a quiet (for now) home.  The last time I felt this relaxed was- oh, just a few weeks ago.  I had to look through my old posts to confirm the unbelievable - I hadn't yet blogged about the greatest, most fantastic part of my summer.  My instagram peeps got to see the best of the photos but now I realize that I never actually wrote a record of it.  So here goes...


What I did on my summer vacation…





A few years back, my friend and her husband hatched a great plan for a dual-family vacation.  We were going to do something EPIC for our husbands 40th birthday and go to Europe.  All 6 of us and 10 of them.  It was going to be crazy - rent a villa, invite some more friends, and just hang out in the south of France or somewhere equally cool for a few weeks.

We got passports for all the kids.

We looked at amazing places to rent.

We looked at plane tickets.

Then we booked a place in California.

It turned out to be a wonderful vacation, but it certainly wasn't the European Get-Away of our dreams.

Fast-forward to spring, and these same friends are at it again talking this time about a couples trip to England.  Now England is one of my favorite places. I love

Running Away

I ran away tonight.

Full retreat. Glass of ice water in my hand.

Everyone was having fun. No one was listening.  We were trying to get the kitchen cleaned up and everyone (but me) was having an awesome time.  My husband had taken Anna to wash her feet after getting bit by an ant, and I was alone with 3 joyful but disobedient kids. I was the only one working and this was THEIR responsibility in the first place.

So I ran away.  They protested at first, knowing now that I wasn't there to help it would take much longer.  But I was done.

"I am leaving. You are on your own to clean this all up. 

Dishes unloaded, reloaded, counters wiped, trash taken out".  

They protested just enough and then they just cranked up the music and got it done.  It took them a good 20 minutes but they were happy.  Dad joined them to loosely oversee and the laughter echoed down the hall.  It lightened my heart but also made me a little sad.

Sometimes I just need to get out of the way.  I need to let them succeed or fail. I need to step back and let them have fun serving joyfully in their own way.

I wish I could be The Mom who doesn't micromanage.  After a week of planning and managing people and time schedules and curriculums for Vacation Bible School, this first day at home I am trying to step back and just relax, but it is tough. I wish I could be more fun and in-the-moment. But I am really afraid if I did that my kids would NEVER get to bed, my husband and I would NEVER get any alone time, and my house would look and smell like a toxic-waste dump.

Learning Healthy Habits: 8 Ways to Make Dinner Time a Happy Time

Dinner time is a social time and a great opportunity to come together and share our day, laugh, and eat.  Too often it is a battle ground, particularly if you have picky eaters or little ones, but also if you have older ones who need to brush up on their manners.

Here are 8 tips to help your dinner time move more smoothly, irrespective of your children's ages.

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1.  Get some help. I don't mean cooking.  That makes me bonkers.  Some of you more patient mothers probably have your kids cook with you.  I have other ways to survive the witching hour.  I hope someday I will be able to share the joys of cooking with them but not at this age.  I do however, call the kids for dinner about 5 minutes before dinner is ready.  They do their pre-dinner chores like setting the table, getting drinks, and carrying the plates to the seats.  I want to eat my food hot and there are just too many little last minute details for me to do it all and still eat while the food is warm.  So they help here.

2. Make sure dinner time is family time.  Most nighst we all sit together at the table. Well... we all sit down within 5 minutes of each other.  We say grace, and remain at the table until everyone is done eating.  Eating is a social thing. It is the time when we all gather to share equally.  That means no TV during dinner time unless it is a special occasion (movie night or me at home alone with the little ones!).  Turn down the lights a little and put away the phones.

Sidebar time: Let's talk about those nights alone with the little ones.  We try hard to keep family dinners but sometimes sports practices get in the way.  Those nights I get the girls bathed and started with dinner before they get home.  He eats with the athletes when they get home and usually the girls stick around at the table as long as I will let them.  Moving bath to before dinner is a little weird, but it works for us on those nights. When either he or I have our small groups or some other evening engagement, we have dinner with the family still and then leave as the meal is finishing up.  We usually don't agree to do things that start before 8pm for this reason.  If I am totally alone with the kids for the night I will change the schedule completely and do something like a picnic or a movie night to keep things from being totally overwhelming. 

3. Structure the conversation.  We do high/low and take turns talking about out day.  Each child has the opportunity to say what the high was from their day, and also their low point.  It is revealing, it is community building, and it also makes sure that our more talkative kids don't dominate the table talk.  Dinner time is often the "high"for the young ones, which just exemplifies that it isn't all about the food that they are eating.  It is about being together and sharing life as we break bread.

4. Teach them a polite way to decline eating something.  Nothing ruins dinner time faster than having your family reject that which you spent time cooking.  Particularly before they have even taken a bite. Not every thing we cook is really good.  Let's face it, sometimes we make lovely meals, other times they are just edible.  And still other times, well, we have to go searching for left overs in the fridge because the dinner on the plates was as Anthony would say "an epic fail mom".  In our home we have a phrase "I am not a big fan of this". It turns the situation away from "this is gross" to "it is not for me".   Some kids have pallets that are just harder to please.   As my pickiest is fond of reminding me -  "Everyone has different taste buds mom".  But kids do need to be taught how to politely decline the food. So teach them a non-offensive phrase or a subtle way of telling you that the food isn't agreeing with them.  It can be verbal or non-verbal.  Also encourage them to be ninja-like when they tell you.  All it takes is one kid gaging on a pea to set all the other ones into fits of "oh gross" - even if they would have eaten it.

5. Have some rules about what happens after they taste it and then tell you that they don't like the food.  They don't have to like it all and it is unrealistic for us to think they will.  Some families make different meals and cater to their kids individual tastes.  I don't.  Our kids can eat what is on the table or choose to be hungry instead.  That said, when the kids have choices at the table already, it increases the likelihood that there is something they will like.   Therefore we usually have two veggies to choose from and they have a meat and a side.  If they finish everything up and they are still hungry they are free to eat unclaimed leftovers from earlier in the week.

6. Eating family style vs. Plating the dinners.  When I was growing up we always ate family style.  We passed the food and everyone ate while the food was hot.  In our home we got into the habit of plating our meals.  This helps with my husband and my portion control,  and allows me to get the pots and pans soaking while we eat.  We have less dinner clean up, and a faster dinner because everyone is ready to eat when the plate is on the table.  I don't think one is better than the other, but consider the other option if you are in a rut.

7. Eating it all vs. eating until you are no longer hungry.  This is a tough one.  Our kids are required to eat all their veggies. This isn't an issue, because they like veggies.  They don't have to finish anything else on their plates, but uneaten food gets wrapped up for later.  Sometimes it is eaten, other times it is eventually tossed.  But if they come back to us an hour later wanting food, they know where to find it.    I am not a fan of throwing away perfectly good food so that they can eat something they think tastes better.  I am also not a fan of teaching my kids to overeat.

8.  Post dinner clean up.  It isn't over until it is clean. generally, the younger ones clear the table, the eldest rinses and loads the dishwasher.  They wipe down the tables and counters and even occasionally sweep.  I personally think the cook should never have to do the dishes.

Here's to a great dinner tonight! Thanks for stopping by to think with me.

Calling for a Do-over

As a kid playing four-square, I thought it was so cool that we could call for a do-over.  You would work so hard for that King's Square, and to loose it because of a bad serve or a mis-step.  That just didn't seem fair.

In our home we have a phrase 'Hitting the Restart Button" and we can hit that button at any time.  Often when one of the kids (or all of us!) is struggling I will just pull him aside.  I will point out that his behavior, for what ever reason, has to change. We are just going to "hit the restart button" on our day.

This means two things - His behavior has to change, and we are just going to forget everything that led up to the present point.   No more complaining about how others wronged him first.  And no more complaining from ME that I have told him a bazillion times to stop doing whatever.  We both start new and fresh with a hug.

I saw a bumper sticker once which proclaimed

There are No Do-Overs in Life

Well, actually there are.

Certainly you cannot actually un-do the effects of most mistakes.  Every action has consequences.  But as Catholics, we know we can take our mistakes, our sins big and small, to Christ in the confessional.   He washes us cleans with his love, we complete our penance, and we start fresh.  He loves us that much.  And I think that is pretty cool too.

Next time you find yourself or your kids having a rough day, take the chance to hit the restart button.  You don't have to wait for the sun to go down - Restart your day whenever you need to. Take a deep breath.  Ask for forgiveness, or give someone else that forgiveness.   And Restart with Him and his love and forgiveness in mind.

Our Failures and Reducing the Stress in our Lives

At the beginning of mass, Catholics have the benefit of being led through an Act of Contrition.  This is time when the priest calls us to consider those things we have done in the past week, (or failed to do) which have not brought glory to God.  Because we will be going before the table of the Lord it is important that we do so with a clean heart. Each week I generally find myself asking for God's forgiveness for the same things... Lord forgive me for being impatient, for being quick to anger, for using harsh words etc.  If our sanctuary were a cartoon, I am sure the word bubbles above the heads of the parishioners would be a little different, but many parents would have similar failings to confess.

And so it got me thinking about my in ability to stop falling into the same sins again and again.  I know each time I go to reconciliation and confess before a priest I have the double benefit - I gain forgiveness and I get guidance from him as to how to avoid falling into that trap again. But in-between the trips to confession, this weekly reflection is an opportunity too so see what I need to work on this week in particular.

Before I get any further here time for a disclaimer.  When we talk about sin - that is a willful disobedience of God.  Loosing your temper, or feeling impatient is not generally a sin.  However, willfully choosing not to improve upon those personal tendencies could be, if you are choosing willfully not to be a kinder, more patient person.  So when I say personal reflection leads me to want to stop sinning in this area, it is avery personal journey I am on because I do want to stop hollering in my house.   Hope that makes sense. I just don't want any of you all out there to think you need to call a priest for confession because you were impatient with your child today.  We all are in need of His grace to get through it all daily! Now back to it...

I am so tired of the same failings, and so this week I am addressing these issues like a scholar.  In doing so, I have identified that many of my guilt results from inappropriate reactions brought on by my own stress level.

I snap at the kids because I am behind schedule for meals, I over-react because I don't have the patience to tell them ONE MORE TIME the same things I have been telling them all day.  I ask the kids to do something (brush your teeth) but then I get caught up in another task (making coffee) and don't follow through to see if they have done their job - only to find they haven't completed such task and WHAMMY.  Mom is instantly mad.  If I had just monitored them little more and helped them brush their teeth instead of trying to duck away make coffee or put away the food from dinner, all would be okay.  But the stress of the mental ToDo List compels me to try to fit just one more 'thing' into the schedule ahead of the parenting task.

When I researched teacher-stress in the schools, I came across some great research.  One of the scholars (forgive me for not citing it as that was 12 years and 4 kids ago) pointed out that when you are under stress, or find a situation to be difficult, you can either remove the stressor, remove yourself, or change your perception of the situation.