Dealing with Discipline: Why good cop/bad cop works and what to do when it doesn't

My oldest, had a curious way of never alienating himself from both his father and me at the same time. As a scientist it fascinated me and as a mother it made me laugh.  I used to say he always wanted to make sure someone would be there to feed him. As conflict cropped up in the family, I found this to be the same in my other children as well. Almost naturally, my husband and I would divide and conquer when it came to discipline - one of us would take the lead, and the other would follow up more gently. 

Until one night this week when everything fell apart. 

The details of the situation are less important than the lesson I learned. We both found ourselves frustrated with one of our children and decided that the drive home was the best-time to address the situation with the child. After carefully discussing that we wanted be careful not to "crush her spirit", yes those were my exact words, we inadvertently proceeded to do just that. 

The good cop bad cop way of dealing with discipline we had carefully crafted over 19 years of parenting went out the car window. Rather than letting her hear from one parent, we took turns piling it all on. Our good cop bad cop routine fell apart.

This conversation will go down as one of our greatest parenting fails. 

Good cop bad cop work because one parent is able to give the child the clear message for improvement, while the other gives the message of unconditional love. We love you irrespective of the problem, we care for you.  It lets the parents be aligned with a shared goal of helping the child fix the discipline issue at hand, without teaming up on the child. As I said recently in my podcast episode on Motherhood, you and your spouse don't need to be clones of one another, you need to compliment one another. 

So what do we do when we have one of these parenting fails? You apologize. Ask for forgiveness for being unkind, or impatient, or for your lack of prudence. Show humility and love. Begin to build back that relationship stronger. And next time you have to deal with discipline discuss who gets to be the good cop or bad cop before you head into the discussion. 

God Bless you in your endeavors!

Argument in an Age Devoid of Reason

"Don’t confuse critique of your work, theories, or ideas, to be a criticism of you as a person."

That was the advice given to me when I was a young graduate student and researcher. This was years ago, before everyone had a platform online and before everyone who felt strongly on a topic would declare himself or herself an expert.  Now simply having opinions on a topic seems to mean one has moral obligation to change the opinions of others. We find ourselves in a time of intellectual arrogance where arguments simply need passion, and often find themselves devoid of reason. 

It was with humility that I presented that project and others that followed. I discussed the concepts and research, gained insight, refined my understanding, grew in wisdom, and developed an understanding that was greater than what I could achieve on my own. Through the process of intellectual discussion, scholarship is refined and the intellect is sharpened.

This is how ideas evolve. Understanding grows when facts and experiences can be discussed and debated without personal attack or character assassination. When we attack a person - their privilege, wealth, religion or race, rather than addressing how they came to their conclusions, we show a complete lack of intellectual integrity. 

This type of rhetoric is just one step above name calling, and is referred to in rhetorical strategy as “ad hominem”. The highest form being Central Point Refutation, when you explicitly refute the central point of the argument. When you practice ad hominem, attacking the person not the argument itself, you undermine your own argument, you set the opposition on the defense, and you loose any possibility of helping your opponent grow in understanding. Moreover, in disparaging the individual, you expose your inability to argue your point based on fact.  

Change and growth in intellect occurs through the one-on-one interactions between individuals. If you hope to change minds and influence people in the coming year, keep to the facts. Stay focused on the argument, not the individual with whom you are arguing. 

As Oscar Wilde wrote, “The value of an idea has nothing whatsoever to do with the sincerity of the man who expresses it. Indeed, the probabilities are that the more insincere the man is, the more purely intellectual will the idea be, as in that case it will not be colored by either his wants, his desires, or his prejudices”. 

Reason is required to change hearts and minds. Emotion expressed, when devoid of reason, only causes an individual to intensify their position. But this requires each of us to have sound reasoning on the issue and an understanding of the facts of the situation. As you approach a conversation, you must to be knowledgeable on the topic, rather than just passionate.  Some of that knowledge will naturally come from the conversation itself, for you need to seek to understand the views of others, before you can hope to transform their thinking. 

Minds are not changed through emotions or insult. They are changed through intellect and reason. Hearts can be motivated to raise the mind towards an issue, and emotions can help touch a heart, but it is insufficient to use emotion alone and hope to change a mind. Even if you are accurate in your assessment, insulting someone and pointing out his or her personal failings or lack of experience will do little to bring them to your side. Your argument will become “bankrupt through an over-expenditure of sympathy” (Oscar Wilde). 

May the Holy Spirit continue to guide our thoughts and conversations, and give us knowledge and courage in the coming season. 

No Advent Fails

As usual I had lofty goals for Advent this year. My Advent journal was prepped and ready, the decorations were up, many of the gifts were purchased, and I even bought my purple and rose colored candles ahead of time.

And as usual my goals of really entering into the season, and spending time in deep contemplation about the arrival of my Lord and Savior in the form of a little baby, went unrealized.

Each year I have some excuse. This year I got sick. Not deathly ill, or even super sick requiring Rx or a trip to the doctor. No, I just got a really persistent upper respiratory something.  It came the first Sunday of Advent and just hung around all month. It sucked my energy, my motivation, and kept me at an arms length (or more) from many friends and families.

And it slowed me down. In a time of hustle and bustle, this little bug dropped me into first gear and I sort of trudged through life. The result of this dampening of energy meant that the class party I had to organize was fine rather than great (no one seemed to care that the hot cocoa was actually chocolate milk), the Christmas cards did not go out (or even get addressed), the family ate quite a few more take-and-make dinners than normal (and enjoyed every bite), the gifts were simplified all round (who cares if the packages have bows), and we left the Christmas party early (unnoticed I am sure).

So what if we only lit the Advent candles a few nights each week. Advent isn't about lighting candles, or planning the perfect party or sending an amazing card. Like all of our special times in the church calendar, Advent is about living life differently. Sometimes those special times are feast days, sometimes they are fasting days, sometime they are seasons of preparation, but they are different for a reason. They shock our system. They help us to notice a truly Joyful or Reverent time. Advent is a time to prepare for that truly Joyful time of Christmas.

Too often we hope for a grand revelation during our Advent or Lent season. We look for a conversion of our own heart, without realizing that when align our hearts to Christ, we are continually being transformed. This Advent I had to slow dow.  Really slow down. I had to choose what was important, what was urgent, and what could be left out. And then I just let go of it all. I stead of getting out of bed to read my journal and write and reflect, I stayed in bed and just prayed. Good prayer. Just talking with Jesus in the silence of the early hours and resting in His love.  And that is how I prepared. It wasn't extravagant, or complicated, or even recommended, but it worked. It wasn't a Fail. And now we get to celebrate.

As this New Year approaches what sort of goals are you going to set for yourself? Are they going to be lofty-impossible-to-achieve goals that leave you deflated and defeated as the first flowers of spring pop up, or are they going to be less measurable goals that lead to a transformation in your heart and mind?

A Good Enough Advent: No more Advent fails

This time of year, as advent draws to a close, it is easy to have a heavy heart about what I call my Advent Fails.  The advent wreath that was lit once (yes once), the mad scramble to purchase gifts, spending more time making sure thing are even and balanced under the tree than on the thoughtfulness of each gift, the prayer journal that has many, many more blank pages than it does completed ones, and the utter exhaustions that comes from running at sprint speed for a marathon season.

But take a minute (just a minute because you have cookies to bake), and give yourself a break.  Look into your heart and ask yourself three questions –

Have I spread Joy?

Have I sought Peace? 

Have I shown Faith? 

Have I brought Hope?

God doesn’t care if your advent wreath was lit each night.  God doesn’t care if your packages have perfect bows. God doesn’t care if your house is adorned in Christmas lights.  What counts this season is what is in your heart, and how you show that to those around you. 

Today I was determined to bake gingerbread men with my girls. Why? I don't know. It seemed like a good idea.  We are gluten-free so baking in rare and more complicated and generally less satisfying that it used to be. But I found a recipe... and two hours later I was near tears. Stupid stupid stupid gingerbread men. I don't even like gingerbread. I don't know how people make them so pretty.  Mine are sticky blobs. And then my sweet third-born said "Mama that is the best gingerbread Santa I have ever seen!" My girls didn't care that they were ugly blobs. They were having fun.

Intentions count. So does attitude. God knows what is in our hearts.

I am not saying blow off Advent, quite the opposite - Strive for more, but strive for the right things and the right reasons and realize that there is no such thing as a perfect Advent because should all be striving towards more. Strive to have peace in the unrest. Strive to keep perspective about gifts and giving. Strive for what is really important. So we didn't get the nice lights up outside. Oh well. Maybe we can take some walks around the neighborhood instead and enjoy their lights. 

Strive to do a little more, but also a little less of the stuff that distracts you from preparing your heart for His coming. If we do this right, then each year we may feel like we want to do just a little bit more spiritually than we did last year - and that is a good thing. 

Be intentional about what you do today. Maybe you bake gingerbread cookies, maybe you don’t.  Chat with the Lord throughout the day. Pray while you bake or wrap or shop. Buy a little meal for the guy on the street with a sign. Don’t make it complicated. Spread joy, seek peace, show faith and bring hope.

And hey, if you don’t light your wreath this year, finding Advent candles will be one less thing you will have to do next year when the season comes back around.

How to Survive the Seasons of Motherhood: Redefining Your Normal

When my firstborn was about 6 weeks old, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.  I was on the phone with a friend who had two older kids.  She had just told me I wouldn't ever sleep again.  I was ToTheBoneTired, and maybe without thinking I had asked "but how much longer before I get some sleep?".  I was really glad she was so honest with me though because it helped me realize something.

I had to stop trying to reclaim my past life and instead I needed to redefine my normal. 

I thought I had hit my groove a few years ago. With each child I had adapted and been able to keep up well enough.  I was mothering three little-ish ones, was able to make dinner most nights, founded/ran a pretty decent mothers group at our parish (read more here). I was in a neighborhood bunko group, had a cool book club, went to MOPS, and managed to work in a date night as frequently as we could find a babysitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I had it really good. I was able to duck away about one night a week for 'me time', get to the gym regularly during the day for a little break and shower, and even have a regular lunch with friends (and our kids) on occasion. 

I mistakenly assumed that this was what motherhood was going to be like forever.  The advent of our little Anna changed everything, but honestly it would have changed even if I hadn't had her.  I had just turned over leadership of my mom's ministry and helped create a new ministry for women at our parish. My new baby showed me I really could only have 'one baby' so I backed out leadership there too.  My bunco group conflicted with the boys sports, my book club just wasn't worth all the hassle.  Lunches out became too much of a struggle with a gaggle of kiddos and the expense of feeding two growing boys made it extravagant even when they were well behaved. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

So I have to redefine normal again. Normal is no longer taking care of the family and filling the spare time with stuff that I love doing.  It is no longer taking a shower every day or grabbing lunch with a friend.  


It is school projects and soccer/dance/gymnastics/piano, homework and groceries. And laundry laundry laundry. I have become a TwoCart Costco shopper and nothing that is easy before seems easy anymore.  

It is as if my 24 hour day has been slowly shorted.  Just a few minutes each day.  Like my LifeClock is fast and I always think I have more time, but each day I have just a little less.

So I sleep less, I wash my hair less, I shop less (unless it is for food or done online), I make more lists, I exercise when I can (usually with children or dog in tow), and it takes me forever to finish a book. I find ways to volunteer that are short-term, low risk, and low stress, and most importantly done as a team with people I love. I write when I can and try not to stress about the weeks that have gone by since my last blog post. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

My challenge at this stage is recognize that this too is a stage, and find the beauty in the chaos. My time of having one child in Jr.High, one in Preschool, and two in between will be short.  Even though we aren't able to have more kids (more about that here), I recognize that I will need to stay open and maybe even embrace the changes that come with family life. Six years from now (God willing) I will only have 3 kids to tuck in at night.  It is a scary thought but at the same time comforting, because I know that there is no way I can maintain this pace for more than a few years. But I don't have too, because it is just a season. 

Whatever your season in Motherhood, embrace it sister. Don't stress about it. Realize it is the normal for this time, today and tomorrow, but your normal will evolve into something new.  Embrace the challenge and know that you will grow into the newness. The newness brings opportunity to grow, to grow in Faith, to grow in virtue, ultimately to grow in Motherhood. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Doing it Wrong: Back to school basics for the rest of us

I know I am doing it wrong... but as I sit in the morning stillness with my coffee on the stand beside me and the sound of the clicking of the computer keys I can't help myself.  JR, Gracie, and Anna are all snoozing peacefully in their beds.  Anthony left for a good 20 minutes ago.  Long enough for me to brew some coffee, eat a quiet breakfast, and check in with the morning news.

I know that I should be getting the kids up early today, but the thought is abhorrent to me.  Tomorrow at this time, they will all be scrubbed fresh, smelling of toothpaste or maple syrup, dressed in their blue shorts and blue shirts, hair still damp from their attempts to make it lay just right.  We will pile in the car and kick of their next school year.

But today I just want quiet.  I want them to sleep. I want them to relax. And yes, I want to relax too.  Just one more day before the craziness of two school drop off and pick up, gymnastics, piano, soccer, soccer and more soccer.

If I were asked the question "how should parents prepare their kids to go back to school?" the answer you get would be very different from what I am actually doing.

Bedtimes
The best way to prepare kids to go back to school is by helping them reset their personal sleep clocks. Kids need to have regularity in their lives and setting their sleep schedules is the best way to regulate other stuff naturally.  Regular bedtimes are touted as the key to getting kids up and off to school bright-eyed and ready to learn.  If you are like many homes and have loosed the bed-time for your kiddos in the summer months, moving back towards their normal bedtime in small increments can be helpful.  Putting your kids to bed 20-30 minutes earlier every few days can gently ease them back into a place where they are prepared to go to be at 8 or 9 and wake up ready for their school day.

Surviving your child's puberty without becoming an alcoholic

Hello. My name is Dr Mom and I am the mother of a man-child.

I really think there should be a support group for mothers of pubescent children.  And maybe one for the kids too but school serves that purpose well enough.

I am just a few weeks into summer break and I need a break.  And so does he.  Aged 12 size 9.5 men's shoe. He can cook dinner, do laundry, work the BBQ, babysit & change diapers, but good grief- tell him he forgot to put the toilet seat down or tell him it is bedtime, or he is at the end of his video game time, and it is as if you declared war on his independence.

Defenses go up in the blink of an eye. Anger sets in before you have a chance to take your next breath.  How dare we parents correct or direct this pubescent boy!  

And that is when I realize he is just like me - in hormone mode. 

Well kind of because he has the added struggle of not having brain that fully functions.

Running Away

I ran away tonight.

Full retreat. Glass of ice water in my hand.

Everyone was having fun. No one was listening.  We were trying to get the kitchen cleaned up and everyone (but me) was having an awesome time.  My husband had taken Anna to wash her feet after getting bit by an ant, and I was alone with 3 joyful but disobedient kids. I was the only one working and this was THEIR responsibility in the first place.

So I ran away.  They protested at first, knowing now that I wasn't there to help it would take much longer.  But I was done.

"I am leaving. You are on your own to clean this all up. 

Dishes unloaded, reloaded, counters wiped, trash taken out".  

They protested just enough and then they just cranked up the music and got it done.  It took them a good 20 minutes but they were happy.  Dad joined them to loosely oversee and the laughter echoed down the hall.  It lightened my heart but also made me a little sad.

Sometimes I just need to get out of the way.  I need to let them succeed or fail. I need to step back and let them have fun serving joyfully in their own way.

I wish I could be The Mom who doesn't micromanage.  After a week of planning and managing people and time schedules and curriculums for Vacation Bible School, this first day at home I am trying to step back and just relax, but it is tough. I wish I could be more fun and in-the-moment. But I am really afraid if I did that my kids would NEVER get to bed, my husband and I would NEVER get any alone time, and my house would look and smell like a toxic-waste dump.

Sodality: How I came to be a "Church Lady"

For a few years, now a dear friend of mine has been inviting me to the Ladies Sodality meeting at our church.  This ministry has been together for almost 66 years (which is a long time for our fairly new church) and serves the parish and community in a variety of ways.  I spoke to the ministry as a guest when I started the Mom's Ministry and again when I helped get our Women's Study program up and going at our parish.   

But becoming a member? The meetings were nice, and the ladies were lovely, but the description of the ministry didn't sound all that appealing: 

Women of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel who are above the age of sixteen and registered in the parish interested in serving our parish through hospitality and fellowship in a variety of ways. This year Sodality celebrates 64 years at OLMC; our volunteers host bake sales – raising money for the parish Easter candle and an annual scholarship for one young woman graduating from OLMC and attending Catholic high school; cleaning the Sacristy Friday mornings; washing and ironing small table linens; making baptismal bibs; and providing delicious refreshments for RCIA and other parish programs and events.

All I read was bake, clean, wash, iron, sew, bake again.  And all I could think - 

 I already have those jobs. 

I don't want them in my free-time too.  

But my friend kept inviting me and I kept coming.  And slowly Our Mother worked on my heart and opened my eyes.  

First of all the description of the group is lacking.  If I were to describe this ministry it would be as such:

Women of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel who are above the age of sixteen and registered in the parish are invited to join our parishes longest running ministry. The Sodality is a lifelong commitment to join the Army of Our Blessed Mother Mary.  A multi-age group, we are a community of women who meet regularly for community building, fellowship, food, and prayer.  We care for the needs of the parish and larger community though our personal service, through our prayer groups, and by raising funds for the church (for items such as the Easter Candle, as well as for incidental gifts such as student scholarships).  

The ministry is not about washing and cleaning, although those tasks do need to be accomplished at every parish.  

Rather, Sodality is a group of people striving to be holy.  The word sodality actually means Union of prayer, or fellwoship  or friendship. These women in our parish's sodality are single, married, young and old.  Some have children others do not.  But we all share a devotion to Our Blessed Mother and God's Holy Church.  Sodality members have been saints and even popes, but mostly they are people just like us.

I have wondered a bit what took me so long to say yes to this ministry and officially become a "Church Lady".  


And it is pride.  

At our parish this ministry has a reputation of being a group for the old ladies - you know - the "Church Lady" played by Dana Carvey on SNL. Hilarious, but not something I want to be.  

After attending for a while I found myself asking -why wouldn't I join? These are awesome and holy women whose ages span from teens to 90 years olds.     

During the induction ceremony (yes I got "jumped in" by the ladies), I had to commit to strive to be a woman of virtue, who practiced Faith, Hope, and Charity.  I am to be held accountable for my actions to Our Mother, and to these women for life.  They will serve as mentors and guides as I navigate my own path to holiness, and someday perhaps I will be able to follow their lead and grow to be a worthy mentor myself.  

We meet one Saturday morning each month... won't you consider joining us?

What is stopping you right now? What is holding you back from taking that next step on your journey to Christ? Have you invited others to join you on your journey? Ask today, ask tomorrow, and keep asking.  Someday we will say yes!  

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Are you a duck or a goose?

I had a bad-mommy-moment that necessitated I take a walk.

A LONG walk.

I think my husband was surprised at how long I was gone which only tells me that he must not have realized HOW upset I was which means that my bad-mommy-moment wasn't as bad as it could have been. And really it was a bad-wife-moment because I unloaded on him while the kids were outside.

It was basic mommy stuff.  Nothing major. Kids fighting. My 10 extra pounds. Someone interrupting every 5 seconds. No yoga all week. Witching hour. My being interrupted 2x in one bathroom trip. PMS. The close of a week without sweets or alcohol (except that one night but it was women's group so that doesn't really count). Basic mommy stuff.

But every so often (or very often?) it just gets to me. I don't know what bothers me more - the kids being kids or my nasty snapping at them.  Either way I just needed to take a walk. I grabbed my sneakers and walked out the door.  Followed by Anna of course. I sat in the front and put on the shoes while I coaxed her back into the house.  Then I just took off.

The Real Story: Bad Mommy Moments

We all have them.  Well, if you don't, please don't let me know.  I assume we all have them.  Actually sometimes I wonder if Our Blessed Mother ever had them.  I know Our Queen of Heaven was without sin, but BMM's are not really sinful moments.

Bad Mommy Moments are those moments when we do something, well, embarrassingly bad.  

Like putting the sun tea in the back of the car instead of putting it on the porch.  
Or putting Preparation-H on the kids toothbrushes (on accident of course!) instead of toothpaste.
Or throwing a shoe because we spilled something.  
Or telling you kids they need to stop "acting like a bunch of children!" 
Or forgetting to drop your child off at school because you were sucked into a radio discussion on Dr McDreamy being killed off (and I don't even watch Grays Anatomy- I literally drove into the school parking lot and then out again before Anthony said "uh, mom, you need to stop and let me out"). 

Those are Bad Mommy Moments

My sister and I share those moments with one another.  We decided that such moments probably happened just so that we could share them.  It makes us all feel so much better to know that we are not the only ones who do ridiculous things on this journey of motherhood.

What is your most memorable Bad Mommy Moment? Make us all laugh!

Thanks for stopping by to laugh with me.

A Gift of Sisterhood

I was having a Bad-Mommy-Moment.  You know, one of those times when I JUST MESSED-UP?

We were driving home from the noon-time soccer game which should have been a nice game but wasn't.  Everyone seemed whiny and it was super sunny (I know most of the country is snowed in but it was a tad bright over here in sunshine land), so the kids were jockeying for shade and spilling drinks… you get the picture.  It was one of those times where I felt we had set up the siblings to be good sideline support, but it just didn't work.

I just wanted to watch Anthony play.  I suppose I was being greedy.

At the end of the game I piled the girls into the car with the grand expectation (hope?) that they would fall asleep.  It was after all 90 minutes past nap time and they were well-feed.

They were cranky and I was cranky too.

Just as we hit the freeway they started at IT.  Doing the sibling thing.

Panic Attack in the Deodorant Isle

I almost had my first panic attack today.

Or maybe you could say I had the beginnings of my first panic attack.

In the deodorant isle.

Background - after his soccer game this weekend Anthony, complained that his under-arms were "just so sticky".  Even though it is mid-late September he was playing AZ style in 100+ temperatures with humidity. Of course. His whole body was dripping in sweat but it was the under-arms that bothered him.  I explained that he probably should start wearing and antiperspirant.  So today I thought Anna and I would just pop in the drug store and grab some.

I passed the isle the first time and had to wrangle the extra large cart (in which Anna wanted to ride and I had already managed to 1/2 fill with stuff we didn't REALLY need) back around.  She disappeared for the moment to look at Frozen dolls and sesame Street plastic plates.  And that gave me just what I needed - time to over think the situation.

Sidebar: If you think this is going to be one of those brilliant posts (like all my other brilliant ones) about how to be a better mom and how to know and grow with your kid… sorry.  Somedays I am a mess too.  You can re-read a less emotional post by clicking here.  This is the post is more of a  "oh yeah - she really DOESN'T have it all together but I get it" type of post, possibly with some though provoking stuff at the end.

So, I am standing in the deodorant isle, and the thoughts go like this:

Oh cool, this is on sale 2/$5 perfect, wait is it both antiperspirant and deodorant? Oh, wait this other stuff says it doesn't have aluminum, but it is so expensive.  does it really work ? because we tried this same brand of toothpaste and it tasted like Prep H cream (we know this because we got the tubes mixed up once while traveling you can laugh but - don't judge- they were the same size).  I can't buy the antiperspirant because the toothpaste was nasty…crap…(I start reading labels)… is there aluminum is all of them…oh here this one doesn't but it is only a deodorant and his problem isn't stinking it is sweating definitely better to have an anti-perspirant and not a deodorant… but I guess aluminum is what makes it work must be because there are 50 brands here and only one without aluminum...am I a horrible mom for giving him aluminum… should I research this first?

You get what you pay for…and 8 other truisms from our remodeling project

I feel like I could do a whole series on the experience of remodeling our bathroom,  but in an attempt to keep this post from diverging too far off topic, I will keep it to one long post.  

About a year & a half ago we started the mental part of remodeling our bathrooms.  I looked at photos and my husband and I sketched stuff out.  Our experience with remodeling prior to this was fairly hands on.  My dad and brother are super handy so growing up there was always something under construction. Before I was married, I lived with my brother in an 1912 (that is old for AZ) house that my dad was renovating in his spare time.  We pulled up the hardwood floors ourselves and stripped them down to re-lay.  I helped knock out the walls, stepped on a rusty nail, got Gig Gulps & burgers for everyone.  I am super handy.  By which I mean I know just enough to get by, and I know when I need to ask my husband or father to step in.  I have no problem encouraging THEM to help me out.  I am a really handy 'support' person.

When it came time to remodel our first bathroom, the idea of hiring someone never even came up.  All we were doing was painting and re-tiling the shower.  My husband learn to lay tile - he is an engineer and they can do everything.  I painted the bathroom a beautiful blue (oops!)  and then promptly re-painted it a dark brown. It turned out beautifully - 9 months later.   

This time, with 4 kids running around, we opted to hire a professional to take care of the job.  


We didn't change the footprint of the space, but we did shorten and widen the shower, add a shower head, and build in a linen cabinet.  It wasn't a complicated project, but it turned out to be a lot more complicated than we expected.  I know everything always takes longer than you think it will.  I knew that before we started.  But I wasn't expecting a 2 week project to drag on for 2 months. 


There are a couple of lessons I learned that I thought others may benefit, and after the little adventure I need to vent just a bit.  So here is what I have to share...

Don't Poke The Bear: Why it is okay to be grumpy once in a while.

In our house we have a warning "Don't poke the bear". 

It is code for two conditions:

mom has a headache 

or

mom didn't sleep enough last night

You know those mornings where you wake up and all you want to do it go back to sleep?  Those are the mornings when I warn the family - Yes, husband included...

Don't poke the bear. 

http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=81299&picture=grizzly-bear-portrait

Dr Mom Answers Again… Go To Marriage Tips

Last week while I was on my adventure vacation, I had to privilege of being featured again on A Mama Collective.    Fitting that the topic was GoTo Marriage Tips given that this week we celebrated our Wedding Anniversary.

For our anniversary this year we had dinner and then did spontaneously something new.  We each offered to work on something that we know bothers the other one.  After 14 years of marriage you KNOW when you are bothering your spouse. You don't have to ask or be told.   So my area was 'not putting stuff away'.  Now here is the thing, if I had said "what bothers you - okay I will work on that" it wouldn't have worked.  Instead I said "honey, I know it bugs you when I leave my stuff laying around.  Starting today I am going to really be conscious of putting my stuff away.  When I don't want to do it I am going to do it anyway as a gift to you".  See it came from ME - not from HIM.  I am choosing to do this for our marriage.  He then offered something up as well and neither of us got defensive or felt put out.  It was really cool.

So anyway, if you missed the Q/A it please check it out.  It is never too late to leave a comment or start a conversation!  If you have a question you want addressed let them know over at the collective and they will pass it on to me OR you can always leave it in the comment section.

Thanks for stopping by!

Nit-picking on Mother's Day

Some people complain that their husband's nit-pick them.  Personally, right about now I am happy if ANYONE will nit-pick me, and I think it is pretty cool that my husband will sit and pick at my nits.  Yes, you heard me right.  Nits.  Those gross little things that live in your hair.  That was this year's Mother's Day gift.  Ironic that less than an hour after I post "How to end up NOT crying on Mother's Day", I get a phone call that has me speechless and panicked.  Are you itching yet?

The boys went with their dad to get a haircut, leaving me with the girls (napping) and me writing the Mother's Day post.  I had fully intended on joining my sleeping ladies, but just as I lay down the news broke.  And so started our Licecapade...  Not to be confused with Ice-capade, there isn't anything fun about Lice-capade.  No cute outfits, no pretty skaters, no bright lights, no cheerful music.

So rather than snuggle in the bed, I was stripping the bed.

The Truth about the Tooth Fairy: She isn't perfect

My eleven year old son recently told us that he has know

"for like four years mom"

that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real.  It wasn't a shock to him, but rather a slow unfolding, a mystery unveiling with each event when the supposed figure would move in-out of our lives.

The Easter Bunny only comes once a year but in a house with 3 kids who are loosing teeth and one who will someday soon begin, the Tooth Fairy might as well get her own bed and a seat at the table.  When Anthony was young, the tooth fairy (who was also younger) was a pretty reliable figure.  She showed up & paid up.  She was cheap, only offering up a quarter… but he was young and happy just to get something shiny in return for his tooth.  We even had a special little box for the teeth/coins.

As Anthony got older he started trying to find ways to increase he $$ return.  He would leave her notes explaining the amount of blood lost, or how hard he had to work to get the tooth out.  He even spent some time scrubbing one of his teeth to make it cleaner for her in hopes he may get more in return.  And it made sense because the tooth fairy was becoming more and more inconsistent as he got older.  And not just in terms of how much she left ($.25 - $2.00).

Some nights (gasp) she just didn't come.

Leo's Story

I am starting this post on April 29.  It is the day after Leo was born.  It is also the day he died.  I don't know when it will be finished or published.  That is up to Leo's parents - I am just the storyteller.  But after the outpouring of love and support you all showed following God's Baby Shower, I knew the full story needed to be told.  It is still unfolding, but now that Leo has left us for the arms of the Lord, it seems appropriate to give you Leo's short but beautiful story.

Parenting a 5 year-old

Before I had a place of my own to gather my ramblings, Jenna at A Mama Collective gave me some space.  She asked me for some words on raising older kids, but what I came up with was this post:  Parenting a 5-year-old.  I just love this age.  It is such a refreshing time after the preschool years.  Here is my little tribute to my favorite 5 year old as she is on the cusp of turning 6!  Hope you enjoy!