Dealing with Discipline: Why good cop/bad cop works and what to do when it doesn't

My oldest, had a curious way of never alienating himself from both his father and me at the same time. As a scientist it fascinated me and as a mother it made me laugh.  I used to say he always wanted to make sure someone would be there to feed him. As conflict cropped up in the family, I found this to be the same in my other children as well. Almost naturally, my husband and I would divide and conquer when it came to discipline - one of us would take the lead, and the other would follow up more gently. 

Until one night this week when everything fell apart. 

The details of the situation are less important than the lesson I learned. We both found ourselves frustrated with one of our children and decided that the drive home was the best-time to address the situation with the child. After carefully discussing that we wanted be careful not to "crush her spirit", yes those were my exact words, we inadvertently proceeded to do just that. 

The good cop bad cop way of dealing with discipline we had carefully crafted over 19 years of parenting went out the car window. Rather than letting her hear from one parent, we took turns piling it all on. Our good cop bad cop routine fell apart.

This conversation will go down as one of our greatest parenting fails. 

Good cop bad cop work because one parent is able to give the child the clear message for improvement, while the other gives the message of unconditional love. We love you irrespective of the problem, we care for you.  It lets the parents be aligned with a shared goal of helping the child fix the discipline issue at hand, without teaming up on the child. As I said recently in my podcast episode on Motherhood, you and your spouse don't need to be clones of one another, you need to compliment one another. 

So what do we do when we have one of these parenting fails? You apologize. Ask for forgiveness for being unkind, or impatient, or for your lack of prudence. Show humility and love. Begin to build back that relationship stronger. And next time you have to deal with discipline discuss who gets to be the good cop or bad cop before you head into the discussion. 

God Bless you in your endeavors!

How to Help Your Teen Find A Good College Fit

As I watched friends and acquaintances work through the college selection process, I admit it was fairly overwhelming. My husband attended Duke undergraduate, I attended Scripps Women's College, and we both did our various graduate work at Arizona State University. That gave us accidental experience on the small, midsize, and large campuses. Furthermore, I have done a very little teaching at JrCo and more at ASU. So we came to the college search with a bit of experience, although it was not recent. As we reorient ourselves to the college search process as parents, rather than as students or instructors, we are learning as we go and want to pass on what we have taken-in thus far. 

Let me start by saying it is possible that college may be not in the cards for all teens. That said, if you and your teen have decided that college is the path for them, this post is for you!

1) Identify your goal and your child's goal. This will differ by family. For all of our children, we want them to have a 4 year college residential college experience that will help prepare them for a more independent life - both practically independent (living away), financially independent, and independence of thought. All of our children currently aspire to be a college graduate so this is a shared goal.

2) Explore options. For each of our children, our hope is that we can find a college that will be a good fit for them personally. This may mean a large school for one and a tiny school for another. But in the first few years of highschool, we take every opportunity to give them a chance to see college campuses.  This means when we travel to see family, we look at a college. When we travel for soccer, we look at a college. When we visit a new city, we talk about what it may like for them to live in a place like this. Our middle school and highschool are very small so the older two have both been drawn to smaller campuses which still seem to feel very large. In one long weekend we were able to walk 4 very different campuses in one region and do a great comparison. He was not particularly interested in any of the schools prior, but taking the time to walk the campus gave him a chance to personally compare and contrast. 

3) Talk about careers and majors early, but be flexible. Our sons have been interested in engineering. They may or may not pursue that. Apply to colleges without engineering programs is a waste of time and will limit their options. This doesn't mean they can't look at other majors, it simply means they have the most opportunity. Our eldest entered as an engineering major because that is the major that required the most credits. He can easily transfer out of engineering later, but he can't transfer into engineering without adding semesters. 

4) Money matters. Let's not pretend that it doesn't. We have found the best merit based scholarships go to the prospective students whom the colleges want the most. This likely means that if you have an SAT of 1400, and you apply to a school with a median SAT of 1450, you are not likely to get a lot of merit money. If however you apply to a school where you 1400 puts you in the top 5-10% of students, money will likely follow. Not all schools have merit money. Some prefer to give on a need basis only. Also, some schools offer a few full tuition scholarships, others offer quite a few full-tuition scholarships. Look at what you need to qualify for those full tuition awards and see if it is realistic for you.

5) Talk about the money openly with your teen from the beginning. Who is paying for this and how will it be possible? Do you have a 529 plan? Will you take out loans? Will your child be footing the bill for tuition and room and board? Will he or she need to work while in school? There is no sense in looking at colleges that are outside the realm of possibility financially. We have crossed great schools off the list because they are just not financially realistic, and our sons do not want to have great amounts of school debt.

6) Keep a spreadsheet. I know not everyone is into this, but a spreadsheet is an easy way to remember which schools were small/med/large, which region it was in, urban or rural, tuition/room & board, what were the median SAT, and if there is anything that stood out about the school. Our sons had/have soccer to consider as well so we include team/coach information as well. This is shareable so we can each update it or add comments ourselves. 

7) Pray about it. This is a big step for you and your young adult. Don't forget to pray every step of this journey. When my son was trying to decide between his top two schools I simply surrendered the situation to the Lord and asked Him to make it clear to my son.  The Lord know where you child should be. 

Once you take into consideration your child's preferences for things like size, region, prestige, majors, study abroad possibilities, extracurricular opportunities, price tag, and residential situation, you may find that that overwhelming list of schools has narrowed itself down naturally. With only one in college now and a few more to go we will be sure to update as we learn more in this process. Until then good luck with your own searches!

Fostering Imagination

We took a little field trip this month to the Pioneer Village. In previous years, the trip was a standard in the school field trip cycle, but never been a family favorite. I was curious as to why it failed to please because the website looks amazing. I gathered my daughter and a friend, packed lunches, and headed west.

Our trip did little to clear up why it was listed at the bottom of the list. This year the girls had an absolute blast. They performed a little show on the stage in the Opera House, counted money and learned how to use a scale to measure gold at the bank, talked to the carpenter about the tools he used, tried to pump water up by the mines, learned about chamber pots, talked on a phone in the old phone booths, and pretended to be 'wanted'.  

As I watched them taking turns being the banker, I marveled at their ability to step back into time and take on different characters. 

They loved the pretend play and to use their ability to put themselves roles and be completely in the moment together. 

Our children have really suffered lately in their opportunities for social interaction, and because of this, make-believe play may take on an even greater role in children's social development. 

We know from decades of research that free play or make-believe play is vital for children's normal development because it provides a forum for the expression of a multitude of skills including decision making, persistence, creativity,  and learning in general. This practice does seem to transfer to real life situations (unlike the skills that are practiced online, or in video game type virtual scenarios). Rather than learning to respond as one does in online play, make-believe play fosters a greater depth of creativity. Make-believe play is also associated with increased capacity of self-steering which in turn is foundational for mental flexibility, intrinsic motivation, and internal locus of control. 

Spontaneous self-initiated play is a normal developmental skill that we should encourage. If you want your 2 - 9 year old to be a creative thinker, motivated internally with confidence that their actions make a difference in the world, you need to unplug the TV, turn off the WiFi, and give them some wooden blocks, a box of dress up clothes, a chance to play the role of chef or scientist in the kitchen. Or maybe just send them outside to build a fort and figure it out. 

The little ones and I had such a great time playing at the Pioneer Village, I finally asked my older kids why they had found it boring. As we discussed it, the answer became clear. They experienced the field trip when they were too old. The curriculum and field trip topics over lapped, so of course it seemed like a good fit. In reality, the students at this age had moved out of make-believe play. Instead of stepping back into time, the middle school students were irritated by the dust, thought the talks were boring, and had no interest in role playing. 

If you have little ones in your care, encourage their imaginative play in any way you can. Take them on the fun excursions, get them the dress up clothes, and stoke their imaginations. The time will come when they put the costume box aside and use their imagination in different ways perhaps, through music or writing or art. If you have an older child who balks at pretend play, seek different ways to engage his or her imagination. Buy him or her a sketch pad and nice pencils and look for some online tutorials or check out a library book about drawing. As in most areas of parenting, finding the right developmental fit it key for growth in imagination. 

Imagination is more important than Knowledge. 

Knowledge is limited. 

Imagination encircles the world. 

- Albert Einstein

Thanks for stopping by!

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How Should We Talk To Our Kids About Crisis?

How do we talk to our kids in during a National Crisis? It is a question I have received a number of times in the last 24 hours as we watched our institution of democracy undermined in an afternoon and into an evening. 

In a National crisis, some of us try to absorb as much media as we can. Others avoid.

As members of this still-great federal republic, we have an obligation to be aware, but as adults we need to protect our children. We don’t have permission to obsess and neglect and bring fear into our home.

This year has given us multiple opportunities to sit on our sofa with the news and our phones, and doomscroll while we soak in the fear and anger of others. And there is much about which to be angry.

But as parents, we have an obligation to personally educate and protect our children. It is our job to do this. We must be the filter, the translator, the primary educator. We must provide context for what they see, answers to their question, soothe their concerns, and then recognize when we should turn it all off and play a game of cards together.

Children need reassurance that they are safe, that their world is good, and that there us hope for our future. Our conversations should convey that. Our interactions and responses should provide that.

Parents are their child’s primary protector. If your child is young, this means sheltering them from information they can not cognitively comprehend. If they are older, it means being honest about the world and providing much needed context for the events they see. 

We live in a fallen world, and evil is real. People have free will and make poor choices that put the lives of others in danger. The choices we make have consequences. These are all lessons that are being showcased. 

Here are 5 things parents should do:

First, you need to turn off the news. Let your children know what is happening. Show them a bit if you want, but endless steaming of violence and hate and abuse and anger shouldn’t be allowed in any home. The stress caused by the news is real for both adults and children alike. You can always flip it back on when they go to bed.

Secondly, if you don’t know the facts, find out rather than pretending. If you don’t know the difference between a riot, a protest, an act of sedition or an act of domestic terrorism, look it up. If they ask a new question, seek an answer together. Don’t rely on the non-expert. Experts share their knowledge freely.

Third, simplify your explanations and allow the child to ask for more. Too often adults dump information on children rather than letting them explore the issue together. A child who requires a one sentence answer doesn’t need to hear a dissertation about the subject, your thoughts, feelings, and fears for the future.

Fourth, be careful with your language. Always, never, but... these are words to use sparingly. Speak with charity and wisdom. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then say a prayer. 

Lastly, look and listen. Some children will be upset even though you do everything right. Some children are more sensitive or fearful. If they need extra help, attention, or just more TLC, give it to them.

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for passing this blog post along. 

For more parenting tips follow along on Instagram @Dr.MaryruthHackett or subscribe to my podcast Parenting Smarts. 

How to Raise a Reader: Five easy things all parents can do

A few years back, I wrote a blog post with some tips on how to teach your child to read (available here). I still love that post, but now that I am homeschooling my 8 year old, I realize even more clearly that teaching your child to read is only the first step. Helping them develop a love of literature is something different all together.  I alluded to this fact in the initial post, but now that I am in the trenches with a reluctant reader, I wanted to revisit the research and add a bit to the discussion.  Here are my five tips for helping your child develop an appreciation for literature.  In short, here is how you can help raise a reader.

1) Model Reading.  If you spend your day on electronics and your evenings in front of the TV, don’t be surprised when your children want to do the same thing. You are showing them what you value. If however, you regularly read books, discuss them with friends and family members, and have them around the house, you are showing your children that reading is an important thing to do with your time. Make literature part of your family culture. 

2) Escape in a Book Together. Children’s books can sometimes be simplistic especially for bright children. Take on a more challenging author together, and let them relax and escape to the sound of your voice reading good literature. There are some good middle-school level books that will engage both you and your child. This will also give you something to share, something to talk about, and some quality, low-pressure time together. If your child doesn’t want to sit, don’t make them. Active children may need to move or color while you read. That is okay too. Now that my older children are in High School, we are enjoying reading some of the same books (just at different times). It has given me a renewed appreciation of the classics, as well as an appreciation of how hard they work to get through some of the tougher works. 

3) Materials Matter.  Let them choose their own books. My four children all have different favorite books, and different favorite genres. Let them choose what they read; don’t force it. If they hate mystery, try animal stories, or historical fiction, or nonfiction, or children’s classics, or adventures, or sports… get my point? Let them find their niche and don’t be judgmental about it. Starting a book and then deciding not to finish it is not a sin. The world is full of other literary choices. 

4) Eliminate the Competition. When given the option, many children would prefer to watch TV or play video games or run outside rather than settle down with a book. Eliminate the other options. Build reading time into your schedule. If they want to just sit quietly with a book on their lap not reading, then that is okay too. You can’t force them. But if they have an interesting book at their reading level, they will probably crack it open and dive into the story.

5) Motivate Them.  With some of my little ones, we have needed to institute a 1:1 (or 1:2 rule). You can have 1 minute of electronics for every 1 minute of reading.  We found a small, timer bookmark recently and are using that with my youngest now. She sets the timer and can keep track of her time with the book. 

In our busy, distracted culture, developing a love of reading is not likely to happen on accident. It takes intentionality to cultivate an appreciation of literature. 

If your child is still struggling to read by the third or fourth grade, talk with her teacher or the pediatrician. She may need a different approach to instruction and internalization of the processes required for reading, before she can really enjoy a good book. 

Happy reading & thanks for stopping by!

Argument in an Age Devoid of Reason

"Don’t confuse critique of your work, theories, or ideas, to be a criticism of you as a person."

That was the advice given to me when I was a young graduate student and researcher. This was years ago, before everyone had a platform online and before everyone who felt strongly on a topic would declare himself or herself an expert.  Now simply having opinions on a topic seems to mean one has moral obligation to change the opinions of others. We find ourselves in a time of intellectual arrogance where arguments simply need passion, and often find themselves devoid of reason. 

It was with humility that I presented that project and others that followed. I discussed the concepts and research, gained insight, refined my understanding, grew in wisdom, and developed an understanding that was greater than what I could achieve on my own. Through the process of intellectual discussion, scholarship is refined and the intellect is sharpened.

This is how ideas evolve. Understanding grows when facts and experiences can be discussed and debated without personal attack or character assassination. When we attack a person - their privilege, wealth, religion or race, rather than addressing how they came to their conclusions, we show a complete lack of intellectual integrity. 

This type of rhetoric is just one step above name calling, and is referred to in rhetorical strategy as “ad hominem”. The highest form being Central Point Refutation, when you explicitly refute the central point of the argument. When you practice ad hominem, attacking the person not the argument itself, you undermine your own argument, you set the opposition on the defense, and you loose any possibility of helping your opponent grow in understanding. Moreover, in disparaging the individual, you expose your inability to argue your point based on fact.  

Change and growth in intellect occurs through the one-on-one interactions between individuals. If you hope to change minds and influence people in the coming year, keep to the facts. Stay focused on the argument, not the individual with whom you are arguing. 

As Oscar Wilde wrote, “The value of an idea has nothing whatsoever to do with the sincerity of the man who expresses it. Indeed, the probabilities are that the more insincere the man is, the more purely intellectual will the idea be, as in that case it will not be colored by either his wants, his desires, or his prejudices”. 

Reason is required to change hearts and minds. Emotion expressed, when devoid of reason, only causes an individual to intensify their position. But this requires each of us to have sound reasoning on the issue and an understanding of the facts of the situation. As you approach a conversation, you must to be knowledgeable on the topic, rather than just passionate.  Some of that knowledge will naturally come from the conversation itself, for you need to seek to understand the views of others, before you can hope to transform their thinking. 

Minds are not changed through emotions or insult. They are changed through intellect and reason. Hearts can be motivated to raise the mind towards an issue, and emotions can help touch a heart, but it is insufficient to use emotion alone and hope to change a mind. Even if you are accurate in your assessment, insulting someone and pointing out his or her personal failings or lack of experience will do little to bring them to your side. Your argument will become “bankrupt through an over-expenditure of sympathy” (Oscar Wilde). 

May the Holy Spirit continue to guide our thoughts and conversations, and give us knowledge and courage in the coming season. 

Choosing the Right Schooling During a Pandemic

My regular blog readers & podcast listeners know that my goal is to take research on child development and education, and translate it into workable parenting practices for you to implement in your family life.
With my background in Educational Psychology and the return to school looming, I am getting messages now asking what I am doing with my four kids who are split between two schools.

My first response is

“What I do isn’t necessarily best for you”.

That said, the thought process I used to get to my decision may be helpful to many. 

1) List all of your options.

What is actually possible? If you have employment demands and cannot physically handle anything other than sending your children to school, then your decision is made. But if you have flexibility in your decision making and schedule, read on.

2) Stability is important.  

Is one educational option going to provide more consistency (even if us isn’t ideal) if cases get worse or better in your area? Is your school a cherished part of your family's community? Are they working to ensure a continuity of learning throughout the year?

3) Age matters. 

Older children are better able to follow recommendations, and are also more likely to have the ability to keep things in perspective. AAP recommends masks in school for children middle school age and older. The CDC suggests dividers or partitions, desks 6 feet apart, and closing communal spaces. 

Older children will adapt to the changes at school more easily; they will ignore the itchy nose and just get on with it. Many will be thrilled to finally be with their teen-tribe again. They are less likely to care if the teacher is behind a video screen or plexiglass partition.

Younger children need close contact with a teacher. They are less likely to comply with good hand washing (when mom isn’t around), or with proper mask wearing.

4) Think worse case scenario.  

Does the education plan have adequate flexibility? Does it allow for changes in scenarios when someone has to quarantine or if the teacher gets sick? What are the expectations if a family member is sick? Does everyone in the house stay home? How is sick-time or quarantined time instruction handled?

Is the primary plan by your school realistic for your family? What are your alternate options? Could you distance learn via the public school system? What is your local private school doing? Could you manage home-schooling for a year with actual homeschool curriculum, rather than 8-3 on a screen watching a class from home? Could an online academy work for you? Are there various options that may work for your different children based on their own learning and comfort needs.

5) Look for the best fit for each child and for you as well. 

I have always said that educational options need to be adapted to the children’s needs. Just because something worked for one child, it doesn’t mean it will be the best fit for them all. This is true now more than ever before. 

That said, limiting your contact with others is still going to be important. If you have children at 4 different schools, that is potentially 4 different contamination locations, 4 different schedules, 4 different sets of rules/procedures. Recognize the complexity in that model and consider whether it is really required. Could you simplify here and still meet their needs just as well? Could you homeschool some and send others to a classroom setting? Maybe you let some distance learn and do an online academy with another?

Be careful, be thoughtful, be prayerful. Many of us do have lots of options, even if we don’t like the options! You need to find what will work best for your children and your family life, but with prayerful intentionality I am sure you will devise the best approach.

This is a rough time to be a child and to be a parent, but we will get through it together. Thanks for stopping by!

How to Make a Catholic Education Affordable

Living in the land of charter schools, our family was faced with many appealing and diverse options for a free education for our children.  Like providing food on the table and shelter for their bodies, Catholic schooling is not cheap.  Tuition, uniforms, school fees - it all adds up and it can be tough for many families. Contrary to the Myth Catholic schools did not surface to take care of the educational needs of the wealthy.  Socio-economic diversity abounds in many Catholic schools because assistance also abounds. Making Catholic education affordable is something that every diocese strives to do and there are plenty of state and local groups who are wiling to help make a Catholic education possible for every child.

State Level

Within Arizona, there exists a Catholic education organization which is a 501c3.  Formerly known as CTDOP it is now just called Catholic Education Arizona.  Couples and individuals can contribute to this organization as part of their tax credit.  The money will not go to a specific student, but rather to the school's tuition fund. Families looking for tuition assistance apply for need based awards through this organization each year.   For more information click here.  Applications open in February and you must submit a FAIR application.

Parish Level

Our parish offers a Parish Scholarship for families registered and active in either our parish or another local parish.  This covers roughly 20 - 30% (or more) of the price of tuition. Our parish also introduced the Stewardship Program some years ago. This program encourages families to increase their commitment to prayer life, service, and tithing. Families enter into a contract with the parish and receive all parish resources (including school tuition) as part of the commitment.  Stewardship families are given full tuition coverage as part of their Parish Scholarship.

Many Catholic schools also offer a tuition reduction for families with multiple kids enrolled.  Our Parish Scholarship offers more assistance for each child enrolled, thus providing a multi-child discount for active Catholic families.

School Level

Beyond the programs in writing, I know most parishes would work very hard to be able to provide a Catholic education for families that desire it. We have a Development Director at our school and she works with each family to find assistance to fit their needs.  Below is a list of national and local School Tuition Organizations (STO's) she provided me to supplement this post!  According to Kelly, STO's "offer parents the opportunity to apply for need based financial aid as well as offering a means for families to establish individual student accounts in which donors recommend that their tax credit go to a particular student". There are over 60 such organization just in Arizona.  Below is a sampling of those organization that are helping students at our school.

Private and Other Help 

AAA Scholarship foundation (click here).  Applications available beginning March 16th.
Arizona 4 Education Scholarship Foundation (click here).
Arizona Private Education Scholarship Fund (click here). Applications accepted starting April 11th.
Arizona Scholarship Fund (click here).
Arizona School Choice Trust (click here). 
Brophy Community Foundation (click here).
Institute for Better Education (click here). Applications accepted until March 18th.
Tuition Organization for Private Schools (click here). Applications available after May1st.
Arizona Leadership Foundation (click here). Applications available late March, early April and due by June 15th.
Arizona Empowerment Scholarship (click here). Application period is January 1- April 1st.

All application dates are for the year 2016

Having school choice has broadened the possibilities for many families.  Some choose to enroll their children at the neighborhood public school, others choose non-traditional public schools, and still others find that homeschooling is the best fit for their families or certain children within the family.  My background in child development and Education has taught me that there is no single 'best' fit for all kids - rather parents should look at the options and children and seek to find the best solution for each family member. I encourage Catholic parents to look at Parochial schools as an option.  It is one that can be affordable and it may just be an answer to your prayers.

Good Luck, God Bless, and thanks for stopping by!

Thanks to Kathryn at TeamWhitaker for linking up with me this Catholic Schools Week.  To read her 7 Reasons Why Catholic School Matters click here!

To read my favorite 5 reasons for sending my kids to a Catholic school click here...