The Parent's Role at Playtime

A few years ago I caused myself an embarrassing moment when I yelled at my kids

“would you guys just GROW UP - you’re acting like a bunch of children!”.

The comment, said in desperation, caused a further eruption of laughter from the little-ish one and smirks and chuckles from the big-ish kids.

Play is hugely important to children. A study out last spring by Metafuria and colleagues (2020) found continued evidence that parents' belief and support of play in preschool aged children is associated with greater play in the home and better children’s performance on neurological tests of executive functioning. When children engage in frequent pretend play for instance they have better inhibitory control.  This study adds to a huge body of research stemming back to the 1972 theories of Piaget on the importance of play for development. 

But what about the parents playing? What role should we play in it. A team from Stanford led by Jelena Obradovic’ reported findings recently that suggest parents actually need to back off when it comes to play. They looked at playtime behaviors of kindergarten aged children and found that parents who were more directive, provided more verbal feedback, questions suggestions, or instruction, had children who exhibited greater difficulty with self-regulation of behavior and emotions, and performed worse on executive functioning tasks.

In a second study, the researchers found that with older children, the association between parental over involvement and children’s lower executive functioning is present when the child is highly focused on a task, rather than simply passively engaged. 

Their work suggests that when it comes to play, we parents need to just let our kids play. If your child is focused on something, be it LEGOs or their geometry homework, let them work it out but be available to support if and when they ask for help. If they are passively engaged in something or doing other work like maybe a jigsaw puzzle that involves a different type of cognitive work, your involvement or engagement is not likely to be detrimental and can even be supportive. 

Does this mean you are completely off the hook for playtime? Nope. 

Parent-child play time is essential to the building of Social Skill Sets. In particular, parent-child pretend play as well as physical play, is associated with skill sets related to  gross motor, leadership, cognition, emotional regulation and even stress regulation. The important thing is to let the child lead when you are engaged in play together, and to help them develop independent play as well. In this previous blog post I discuss how to best play with your child based on Vygotsky’s principles of guided participation, scaffolding, and intersubjectivity. 

For more on how to adopt a more playful attitude in life in generally you should read this.

Now go have some fun!

Argument in an Age Devoid of Reason

"Don’t confuse critique of your work, theories, or ideas, to be a criticism of you as a person."

That was the advice given to me when I was a young graduate student and researcher. This was years ago, before everyone had a platform online and before everyone who felt strongly on a topic would declare himself or herself an expert.  Now simply having opinions on a topic seems to mean one has moral obligation to change the opinions of others. We find ourselves in a time of intellectual arrogance where arguments simply need passion, and often find themselves devoid of reason. 

It was with humility that I presented that project and others that followed. I discussed the concepts and research, gained insight, refined my understanding, grew in wisdom, and developed an understanding that was greater than what I could achieve on my own. Through the process of intellectual discussion, scholarship is refined and the intellect is sharpened.

This is how ideas evolve. Understanding grows when facts and experiences can be discussed and debated without personal attack or character assassination. When we attack a person - their privilege, wealth, religion or race, rather than addressing how they came to their conclusions, we show a complete lack of intellectual integrity. 

This type of rhetoric is just one step above name calling, and is referred to in rhetorical strategy as “ad hominem”. The highest form being Central Point Refutation, when you explicitly refute the central point of the argument. When you practice ad hominem, attacking the person not the argument itself, you undermine your own argument, you set the opposition on the defense, and you loose any possibility of helping your opponent grow in understanding. Moreover, in disparaging the individual, you expose your inability to argue your point based on fact.  

Change and growth in intellect occurs through the one-on-one interactions between individuals. If you hope to change minds and influence people in the coming year, keep to the facts. Stay focused on the argument, not the individual with whom you are arguing. 

As Oscar Wilde wrote, “The value of an idea has nothing whatsoever to do with the sincerity of the man who expresses it. Indeed, the probabilities are that the more insincere the man is, the more purely intellectual will the idea be, as in that case it will not be colored by either his wants, his desires, or his prejudices”. 

Reason is required to change hearts and minds. Emotion expressed, when devoid of reason, only causes an individual to intensify their position. But this requires each of us to have sound reasoning on the issue and an understanding of the facts of the situation. As you approach a conversation, you must to be knowledgeable on the topic, rather than just passionate.  Some of that knowledge will naturally come from the conversation itself, for you need to seek to understand the views of others, before you can hope to transform their thinking. 

Minds are not changed through emotions or insult. They are changed through intellect and reason. Hearts can be motivated to raise the mind towards an issue, and emotions can help touch a heart, but it is insufficient to use emotion alone and hope to change a mind. Even if you are accurate in your assessment, insulting someone and pointing out his or her personal failings or lack of experience will do little to bring them to your side. Your argument will become “bankrupt through an over-expenditure of sympathy” (Oscar Wilde). 

May the Holy Spirit continue to guide our thoughts and conversations, and give us knowledge and courage in the coming season. 

Choosing the Right Schooling During a Pandemic

My regular blog readers & podcast listeners know that my goal is to take research on child development and education, and translate it into workable parenting practices for you to implement in your family life.
With my background in Educational Psychology and the return to school looming, I am getting messages now asking what I am doing with my four kids who are split between two schools.

My first response is

“What I do isn’t necessarily best for you”.

That said, the thought process I used to get to my decision may be helpful to many. 

1) List all of your options.

What is actually possible? If you have employment demands and cannot physically handle anything other than sending your children to school, then your decision is made. But if you have flexibility in your decision making and schedule, read on.

2) Stability is important.  

Is one educational option going to provide more consistency (even if us isn’t ideal) if cases get worse or better in your area? Is your school a cherished part of your family's community? Are they working to ensure a continuity of learning throughout the year?

3) Age matters. 

Older children are better able to follow recommendations, and are also more likely to have the ability to keep things in perspective. AAP recommends masks in school for children middle school age and older. The CDC suggests dividers or partitions, desks 6 feet apart, and closing communal spaces. 

Older children will adapt to the changes at school more easily; they will ignore the itchy nose and just get on with it. Many will be thrilled to finally be with their teen-tribe again. They are less likely to care if the teacher is behind a video screen or plexiglass partition.

Younger children need close contact with a teacher. They are less likely to comply with good hand washing (when mom isn’t around), or with proper mask wearing.

4) Think worse case scenario.  

Does the education plan have adequate flexibility? Does it allow for changes in scenarios when someone has to quarantine or if the teacher gets sick? What are the expectations if a family member is sick? Does everyone in the house stay home? How is sick-time or quarantined time instruction handled?

Is the primary plan by your school realistic for your family? What are your alternate options? Could you distance learn via the public school system? What is your local private school doing? Could you manage home-schooling for a year with actual homeschool curriculum, rather than 8-3 on a screen watching a class from home? Could an online academy work for you? Are there various options that may work for your different children based on their own learning and comfort needs.

5) Look for the best fit for each child and for you as well. 

I have always said that educational options need to be adapted to the children’s needs. Just because something worked for one child, it doesn’t mean it will be the best fit for them all. This is true now more than ever before. 

That said, limiting your contact with others is still going to be important. If you have children at 4 different schools, that is potentially 4 different contamination locations, 4 different schedules, 4 different sets of rules/procedures. Recognize the complexity in that model and consider whether it is really required. Could you simplify here and still meet their needs just as well? Could you homeschool some and send others to a classroom setting? Maybe you let some distance learn and do an online academy with another?

Be careful, be thoughtful, be prayerful. Many of us do have lots of options, even if we don’t like the options! You need to find what will work best for your children and your family life, but with prayerful intentionality I am sure you will devise the best approach.

This is a rough time to be a child and to be a parent, but we will get through it together. Thanks for stopping by!

What Your Kids Wished You Knew About Gaming

The World Health Organization just declared that video game addiction is an actual mental disorder,  leading all the talking heads to pontificate about video games. Of course many of those talking about the issue, and calling into the shows, and writing the reports don't actually have children with video games, they don't allow their teens to have cell phones, and they are years removed from the rapidly changing culture in which our children are growing.  Yes, video games are addictive. I am not going to argue that here. My problem is the public outcry for responsible parents to ban video games, and the lack of an educated discussion among and with parents who actually have gaming systems in their homes.

I hate video games. Let me just get that way out in the open. I have not-so-fond memories of spending hours on my boyfriend's couch watching him try to beat another level of Sonic the Hedgehog. Good Grief.  No, I didn't marry him.

That said, we have two gaming systems in our home, I can tell you where the 3 closest GameStop stores are, and my eldest son is determined that when he is of age he will get a job at one of them. 

We have allowed video games into our home. We do not think they are inherently evil.  We recognize that there are some social and maybe even emotional benefits to having them around. 

Video games are different now. Most adults focus on how realistic the games are, or the action and blood and gore. In reality the biggest difference between now and then, is how they are played. Most systems now allow for only one player on one unit at one time. That means that the only way kids can play with their friends is by connecting on-line, or by bringing over your whole playstation and TV to set up at your friends house. My two boys therefore can only play the same game while sitting in different rooms. If they plan on playing with friends on a Saturday night they won't all get together at one boy's home to play - they will all connect online. They will talk to each other through the headsets, sneak up on one another on the screen, play jokes on each other, laugh and harass just like boys do. But they do this all on-line. They put together strikes and assign roles and carry out elaborate missions all from their own bedrooms. When they mess up they apologize, they harass again, they tease and laugh and they move on. The video games are ways to just hang out. My son can have his gaming unit turned on and he can be playing one game, while talking to a friend through the headset who is playing another game. Video games are in some ways the neighborhood park of yesteryear. People who say "just don't let the play online don't understand". 

Some of you may be lamenting the days when boys used to wander the neighborhood tipping over trash cans and playing stickball in the park. Okay. I get it. That sounds great. But it isn't today's reality. Boys who are not connected online with the video games miss out on a opportunity to bond with their friends in some neat ways, and not just throughout the action of the games, but through the time spent just chatting. In a world where teens are increasingly loosing the art of verbal communication, I see the headset banter and chatting as a real opportunity for my sons to continue to develop some of those skills that are harder to come by in an "I will just text him" culture. 

But what about this link between depression and gaming. There have been some reports of the association between depression and gaming. Gaming can help children who struggle with feelings of powerlessness and have an external locus of control. Jr. high children almost universally struggle with the self-regulation of feelings. It is one thing that makes them so enduring and so difficult. The emotional highs and low and confusion over feelings can be overwhelming for parent and child alike. When kids are down for NO reason, playing a round of video games can give them a boost. It gives them an opportunity to be successful and work towards mastering a skill while doing something that they really like. Much in the way that sitting down to practice and then master a piece of sheet music, or practice a physical skill towards mastery. But the successes come faster and it can be done rain or shine. When children are faced with serious depression, rather than just moody blues, they need to seek help. 

In small doses, with clear guidelines for usage, video games can be a tool to help children navigate some of the hormonal lows and social awkwardness of the middle school and junior high years.

But what about the addiction stuff? Yes, video games can be addictive. Some games are actually created so that you can not stop the "raid" until it is over (and there are no time indicators), or you will be penalized and be unable to go on missions of that type in the future. Some video games give you extra points if you check into the game frequently. Some have new down loads each week to keep you interested and active. Yes, they can be addictive and they are designed to keep people playing. Guess what else can be addictive? 

Jigsaw puzzles. 

Netflix. 

Legos.  

A really good novel. 

Chocolate. 

Soccer.

Television.

And these are just the addictions we struggle with in our home.  My oldest son spent his preschool years obsessed with pirates. He had a pirate birthday party three years in a row. One of my daughters is currently obsessed with Horses.  I think one of my sons may still be secretly obsessed with ninjas. 

We live in a world filled with fabulous things and Yes, we battle with our boys over their video game usage and screen time. We have tried a variety of strategies that work at various ages to various degrees. Now they are learning to monitor their own video game usage with our guidance, and we are battling with the over binge-watching dumb shows on Netflix. There will always be some battle - That is just parenting.

It is our job to take those battles on and help our children to grow. Kids need boundaries to help them grow in self-control, and parents need to move those boundaries based on the children's growing competencies. We have had success in the past with a M-Th ban on electronics. We have been able to lift that now because the boys have shown self control with their usage, and because they are less apt to binge on the weekend when they can have little snippets of gaming during the week. We instituted the no-more-than-2 hours-screen time rule each day for many years in our home and have that rule with our younger children as well. We have a A/B only rule for grades and lower than a B leads to no screen time at all. All chores and homework has to be done before anything goes on. 

Now we are intentionally trying to help our older children work towards self-master their usage of screen time, while still being sticklers with the little ones. Some days we do well other days we do not. We had a rough spell when all the boys wanted to do was play video games (or soccer - always soccer) and we got through that. Luckily my children have a lot interests, they just sometimes need to be encouraged to pursue those other interests as well. 

You need to find what works and then adjust as your children grow in age and competency. The rules may be different for the 15 year old than they are for the 5 year old and that is not just okay - that is great. The reality is that children are going to grow into adults who are surrounded by technology. My job as a parent is to protect them yes, but also to help them grown in competencies. Banning video games from my home will not achieve that goal. Helping them to self-regulate, the self-monitor their time, to have a variety of interests, and to have healthy social relationships, those are all things that will help them to grow into competent individuals. 

Lessons on Love

 I had lunch with my boys recently. They are 11 and 14. Anytime I want to really talk with them I find it is best to get them away from any screens and put food in their hands. Kids are always happier with full tummies. Me too actually.

As we noshed on our burgers and fries, I explained in very few words the concept of Love Languages (Read the 5 Love Languages by GaryChapman!). I asked them which love language they thought they most related too. My oldest is an Acts of Service guy and my second born communicates love through Physical Touch. We talked about how this played out in our house.

For instance, with my oldest, I can always tell when he isn’t feeling the love, or wanting to share the love because his chores start sliding. I know it is more important for me to do things like bring him a forgotten lunch or help him get ready for soccer than it is with the other kids. It is more important for my second born to get his hugs, his good night tuck in, a little tickle time or even some help just clipping his nails.  He doesn’t ask for help with things like filling his water jug or making his lunch, but loves sitting on the couch with me while I scratch his head.

After talking about the two boys themselves, we decoded the other members of the family, and tried to pin down their love languages. We have one Quality Time and possibly another Acts of Service (she is pretty young so time will tell). They pegged their dad correctly but were stumped with me. But that makes sense.  When you are aware of someone’s love language it allows you to communicate with them based on their language.  So if I am communicating with them in their language, each child in my family should think I am just like them.  Ironically I am a Words of Affirmation kind of gal so I am not matched with anyone!

We also discussed the need to be aware of their friends and future spouses love languages.  Can you imagine dating someone who was expecting gifts when you were an Acts of Service communicator? I asked them what they think it would be like in our home if I was a Receiving Gifts communicator (given that their dad is an Acts of Service).  They laughed and said he would be ranting all the time “I work so hard to provide for this family and you keep spending all the money on these gifts we don’t need!”. So true!

I want my sons to be able to identify their sibling's and parent's and friend's love languages. As the mom, it is less important that they communicate with me in my own love language. I need to be the one who is poly-lingual, and slowly help them develop the skill as well. It is my job to help them develop the ability to give and receive love – in all its forms - and recognizing love as it is presented is key.

If you’ve never read the book, next time you are over at Amazon (or in an old fashioned books store), grab it. It is a fast and easy read and it can really inform the way you interact with your loved ones. Then open the discussion with them and keep it going. Doing so will foster a culture of love in your home.

Thanks for stopping by!

The Happiest Parents Have A lot of Kids!

Or at least that is what the popular press is reporting.  I was shocked that they were covering it at all, but not so surprised that they got the results just a little wrong.

As a mother of four, I was thrilled to hear about Dr. Harman's findings out of Australia's Edith Cowan University. Often when the news reports research in my field, I go straight to the source and have a little chat with the study author. It is a perk of having the letters P H and D after my name. Dr. Harman sent me copy of the actual study summary and we went back a forth a few times about the research.  Although she said the results being reported are a little misleading, it appears as though we do have evidence that of "the more the merrier" really is mostly true but maybe not in the way you think.

Dr. Harman conducted a 5 year research study with the goal to explore the relationship between resilience, social support, self-esteem and life-satisfaction in parents, (source). Dr. Harman found that mothers of four or more children were the happiest group of the various family types. She did not however find that mothers of four or more were happier than mothers of say two children, or less happy than mothers with eight kids, because she didn't compare family size, but rather family type.  Dr Harman writes in her summary discussion

Overall, mothers of large families with higher self esteem were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. One interpretation of these results is that mothers of large families feel supported (older children helping younger children, for example), but may lose their sense of self.

Dr. Harman said that mothers of larger families overall had higher self-esteem.  They basically feel like they are doing a pretty good job and are well supported. They also were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. She speculated that they may loose their sense of self in the process - she didn't measure that quantitatively, but collected some qualitative data that directed her to that conclusion. But that loss of self is still associated with greater life satisfaction so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about having to drive the dreaded mini-van (for more on that click here).

The next great question is of course

"Why do lots of kids correlate with greater life satisfaction?"

Dr. Harman was sited in The Sydney Herald in August (2015) as stating "The parents usually say they always wanted a large family, it was planned that way, and it was a lifestyle they'd chosen".  So are these parents who choose this lifestyle just a different 'type' of people?

Yes, actually. That seems to be at the crux of this study comparing family types.

As a mother of four myself, and friend to many mothers of four or more children, I can say as a lay person that parents like those in the study who have been purposeful in having a larger family are likely couples who have chosen to take an optimistic and hopeful approach to parenting. I am not speaking of research here, but rather experience when I say that these types of parents tend to able to embrace the beauty and joy of parenthood and delight in their little ones. When discerning whether or not my husband and I felt our family was "full" with just the three, my mother pointed to my (then) 2, 5 and 7 year olds and said she could think of 3 reasons why we should have more kids... Gracie, JR, and Anthony.

Parents who choose large families, don't let fear prevent them from loving another child.  They love with reckless abandonment and choose to leave a family legacy not of human 'replacement' or social reproduction, but of human expansion.  

I recently got caught up reading about the War of the Roses in England.  Truth be told, I was reading historical fiction (not real history), but one thing that struck me in the novels was the love and appreciation that people used to have for large families. Large families were the ideal and each child was embraced as a blessing. There are many social reasons for this of course, but I found such comfort in that attitude which permeated the (then) Catholic society, whereas I find the current cultural (secular) attitude to be isolating. In present American society, the stereotype is that couples with many off-spring either don't know how babies are made, or they are too ignorant to stop it, or they are socially and financially irresponsible. A couple couldn't possible want more than just a few of these little people, right? Children are not seen as a gift, or a blessing, or something to cherish. They are approached as one more thing on a checklist of lifetime achievements and something to accept in moderation.

College (check), job (check), spouse (check), house (check), 

kid one (check), kid two (check), vasectomy (check).

Large families are more chaotic, but that chaos doesn't descend overnight. We grow into the noise and the chaos. We start with one (or maybe more) at a time and slowly re-adjust our family life, then we add another and re-adjust, and then make room for another, and another. Good parenting is about adjusting and shifting as our children grow and mature.  In our adjusting and shifting we too grow.  Growth is constant when you have a larger family and living a little off balanced allows us to turn to one another and to God with great regularity, often resulting in a closer knit family.

Large families require both parents to be completely committed to the family. In order for large families to really function you have to have both parents really involved. Although the division of responsibility can still be fairly traditional in many of these families, large families require that dads participate in the daily raising of the kids, even if that role is as mom's cheerleader. All of the children learn how to pitch in and help out, because just one person can not possibly do it all.

This study is great evidence of something that those of us with large families have known all along. Having large families is great for our mental and spiritual health. Yes it is messy. Yes it is crazy. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to loose ourselves in the service of others, but all parenting is messy and crazy and hard. There is no shame in loosing a little of ourselves to make room for more love. The love that we share in a family grows exponentially with each child we welcome into our home. And with love comes happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. There is so much to say on the topic and space here was limited.  I hope this research sparks conversation and as always, thanks for stopping by!

For more on raising multiple kids check out this post (click here).

How To Teach Your Child to Read - The Beginners Guide

The internet is filled with pages of people offering parents advice on how to best teach their children to read.  They offer endless items to purchase so that you can truly be prepared to give your child a life-long love of learning... with this item or that... all for the low low price...

I am reminded of the horrible Baby Einstein videos that had mothers hooked years ago with promises of making their babies smarter. According to decades of research, plopping your infant in front of the TV is the exact opposite of what you should do. Similarly, the research on kids emerging literacy doesn't support any of those "tools" or videos or video games or workbooks. In reality is, if you want to help your children learn to read, or better yet develop a life-long love of books, there are only a few things you have to do and they don't involve buying a single thing. Pair these 3 tips to teach you child to read with the 3 tips to develop a love of reading and you have yourself a life-long lover of books.

3 Tips to Teach Them to Read

1. Teach them that each letter has a sound & teach them the sound each of the letters makes. They need to understand that each letter represents a sound.

2. Teach them the blending sounds, for instance 'sh' 'th'  'bl' 'st'.

3. Read to them aloud and have them follow along to see you put this blending into action. Have them practice sounding out the words with you once they have the first two steps down.

3 Tips to Develop a Love of Reading

1.  Read to yourself.  Get a good book, put your feet up, and dive in.  Seriously.  Modeling reading is the most important thing you can do.  Kids need to see that books are worth YOUR time.  They need to see that you find value in the written word.  They will model your behavior so do you want them playing on a phone or iPad or reading a book?