Tips for a Happy Summer

We all want our kids to be happy, but as you enter into the summer months and have more contact with your children, I want to encourage you to help them learn and grow this summer by letting them be just a little unhappy.  

Sometimes we need a happiness reset. 

We have a tendency (called hedonic adaptation) to return to a happy-midpoint emotionally. This means that if we experience the same awesome event repeatedly, after a while it doesn't seem as awesome. We experience less pleasure from that same event. We then seek even greater pleasure to just feel the same level of happiness we felt before. A period of boredom, although generally not pleasant, will help your kids to more fully appreciate the fun parts of their day or week.  

Boredom has two components: low arousal and dissatisfaction. You can help your children to be more tolerant of boredom by building into your day times of low simulation (no screens, family prayer time, alone time), and by occasionally saying no to their requests.  Letting your children be bored is not the same thing as simply checking out and disengaging from them all day long. 

I am a huge supporter of planning and intentionality in family life. Each summer has looked dramatically different based on the kids' ages and our travel plans, but one thing that has helped is having some loose schedules posted in a central place. This can be a weekly or a daily schedule or both and I have examples in previous blogs (here and here). But I want to get you to think about providing structure when you create your schedule rather than over programming the children. Structure means having quiet time each day vs having a set time that they must read a specific book. Or building in some crafty creative time vs you planning and teaching a specific craft. When you schedule, you give them an idea for the flow of the day, you don't necessarily entertain them all day long. 

One area that is fairly structured in our home is meals. We typically have one wake up time and in previous years I make a decent breakfast for them. I do this because it will keep them from parading through the kitchen all morning and it gives them a good start. The key is consistency. Either make breakfast, or leave it up to them. But be consistent about it and provide some time frame for their meals. Breakfast 9ish,  lunch 12ish, snack 3ish and dinner 6ish works well for us. Getting everyone eating and sleeping in sync helps me escape the summer title of short-order-cook.

By providing a loose schedule, regular meal times, giving them a chance to be bored and saying no to their every demand, you all can have a happier healthier home this summer. If you have enjoyed these tips for a happy summer please share it with others!

Thanks for stopping by!

Dealing with Discipline: Why good cop/bad cop works and what to do when it doesn't

My oldest, had a curious way of never alienating himself from both his father and me at the same time. As a scientist it fascinated me and as a mother it made me laugh.  I used to say he always wanted to make sure someone would be there to feed him. As conflict cropped up in the family, I found this to be the same in my other children as well. Almost naturally, my husband and I would divide and conquer when it came to discipline - one of us would take the lead, and the other would follow up more gently. 

Until one night this week when everything fell apart. 

The details of the situation are less important than the lesson I learned. We both found ourselves frustrated with one of our children and decided that the drive home was the best-time to address the situation with the child. After carefully discussing that we wanted be careful not to "crush her spirit", yes those were my exact words, we inadvertently proceeded to do just that. 

The good cop bad cop way of dealing with discipline we had carefully crafted over 19 years of parenting went out the car window. Rather than letting her hear from one parent, we took turns piling it all on. Our good cop bad cop routine fell apart.

This conversation will go down as one of our greatest parenting fails. 

Good cop bad cop work because one parent is able to give the child the clear message for improvement, while the other gives the message of unconditional love. We love you irrespective of the problem, we care for you.  It lets the parents be aligned with a shared goal of helping the child fix the discipline issue at hand, without teaming up on the child. As I said recently in my podcast episode on Motherhood, you and your spouse don't need to be clones of one another, you need to compliment one another. 

So what do we do when we have one of these parenting fails? You apologize. Ask for forgiveness for being unkind, or impatient, or for your lack of prudence. Show humility and love. Begin to build back that relationship stronger. And next time you have to deal with discipline discuss who gets to be the good cop or bad cop before you head into the discussion. 

God Bless you in your endeavors!

How to Stay Connected to Your Kids by Saying Yes

As I washed the dishes for the n-teeth time today I reminded myself that I was being intentional. We always said we wanted our home to be THE home where the kids wanted to gather.  

It is one reason why we happily accepted a families gift of a fooze-ball table, and why we made the kids bunk up in one room when they were little in order to leave another room as a hang-out space. 

It is why we make sure we always have frozen pizza, microwave popcorn, and loads of ramen in the pantry. 

It is why I try to make sure the bathrooms aren't totally disgusting, dirty socks don't constantly litter the couch, and the little kids stay out of the way of the big kids. 

I want our place to be a comfortable, welcoming, easy to be at home.

But it also requires that I say yes. I say yes to brining that extra mouth home to feed, even if it means adjusting my meal plan. It means I say yes to the cookie making and hot cocoa drinking and giggles in the living room, even though I am bone tired. It means I say yes when the team comes over for a polar-bear plunge after the game, even though there are a few more loads of towels to do now before bed. 

When you have tweens or teens, staying connected with them means opening your home and your heart to their friends as well. They move in packs. They live a collective life. As my college son returned home this month it was his friends who are picked him up at the airport, then come over for a welcome home dinner.

These peers are the ones who challenge them in friendship, who teach them about loyalty. They learn to keep a secret, stand up for and sacrifice their time and attention for each other. They learn about themselves when they share their life with others.  A good friend challenges your child to do and be better. 

Saying yes to our children's friends gives us a chance to see our children in a different role. We see them as confidant, leader, cheer leader, compadre. We get a different glimpse of what type of person they are growing to be. But we only see this when we say yes, and invite those friends into our family.

So say yes to your kids and their friends, even if it complicates things for you. Say yes and connect with them. Get to know their friends and draw deeper into relationship with them all. 

Thanks for stopping by!

The Parent's Role at Playtime

A few years ago I caused myself an embarrassing moment when I yelled at my kids

“would you guys just GROW UP - you’re acting like a bunch of children!”.

The comment, said in desperation, caused a further eruption of laughter from the little-ish one and smirks and chuckles from the big-ish kids.

Play is hugely important to children. A study out last spring by Metafuria and colleagues (2020) found continued evidence that parents' belief and support of play in preschool aged children is associated with greater play in the home and better children’s performance on neurological tests of executive functioning. When children engage in frequent pretend play for instance they have better inhibitory control.  This study adds to a huge body of research stemming back to the 1972 theories of Piaget on the importance of play for development. 

But what about the parents playing? What role should we play in it. A team from Stanford led by Jelena Obradovic’ reported findings recently that suggest parents actually need to back off when it comes to play. They looked at playtime behaviors of kindergarten aged children and found that parents who were more directive, provided more verbal feedback, questions suggestions, or instruction, had children who exhibited greater difficulty with self-regulation of behavior and emotions, and performed worse on executive functioning tasks.

In a second study, the researchers found that with older children, the association between parental over involvement and children’s lower executive functioning is present when the child is highly focused on a task, rather than simply passively engaged. 

Their work suggests that when it comes to play, we parents need to just let our kids play. If your child is focused on something, be it LEGOs or their geometry homework, let them work it out but be available to support if and when they ask for help. If they are passively engaged in something or doing other work like maybe a jigsaw puzzle that involves a different type of cognitive work, your involvement or engagement is not likely to be detrimental and can even be supportive. 

Does this mean you are completely off the hook for playtime? Nope. 

Parent-child play time is essential to the building of Social Skill Sets. In particular, parent-child pretend play as well as physical play, is associated with skill sets related to  gross motor, leadership, cognition, emotional regulation and even stress regulation. The important thing is to let the child lead when you are engaged in play together, and to help them develop independent play as well. In this previous blog post I discuss how to best play with your child based on Vygotsky’s principles of guided participation, scaffolding, and intersubjectivity. 

For more on how to adopt a more playful attitude in life in generally you should read this.

Now go have some fun!

Your Summer Sanity Saver

Summer vacation schedules are a must. 

That was the firm resolution I found in my heart when I awoke this morning. 

Loosely scripted routines for daily family life have been a sanity saver in summers past but I have let a lot of things slide recently; my beloved routines are one of them.

Routines are my biggest ally in the battle again the screens. 

I have fretted about screens and screen time since my oldest first picked up the remote many many years ago. Today’s earlier-than-normal awakening brought with it confidence that I need to clearly re-communicate expectations and be firm with TV time, iPad, and phone access. I need to reset my expectations for the younger children especially because they have different needs and different rules than the big in our home. Their brains are so sensitive to the good stimulation in our natural world, and (the far less-good) unnatural stimulation from the electronics. 

Neurologists are now reporting actual evidence of actual evolutionary changes occurring in the brains and skulls of young people in response to the dramatic increase in time spent on devices. 

In terms of actual amount of screen time, two hours a days seems generous to me, restrictive to the little ones, and impossible for the older ones. Yet whenever we tighten the rules on screens we are rewarded and their imaginations are unlocked. By making a schedule for your day and week, the child can see when they will have their beloved screens, but also know when they are expected to do other things. 

Making your own summer schedule isn’t hard. Start with your ideal bedtime and meal times. Add in quiet time/naps, activity/craft, errands, exercise (swimming, walks etc. based on your weather), free time & screen time.  Sketch it all out on paper and if your spouse is around ask for feedback/buy in. It only works when all the adults are on the same team. Don’t plan every moment, but rather chunks of 2-3 hours. 

If possible add in a weekly excursion: community pool, library, park, museum, zoo, play date. This way your child knows if they want to do something extra, there is room in the weekly schedule for it. Also consider including at the bottom some ideas for fun when they get bored: build something, write something, dream of something, sing something, explore something, make something for someone else. Lastly, build in some fun or relaxation for you too every day and try not to fill that time with chores. For more on making that practically happen read this post from a few years ago (here). 

Once you have it all well formed, draw it up on a big poster board or some art paper and post it where it is visible. When the kids get bored, they can reference the schedule and see that lunch is soon, or they can swim after nap time. It helps them build their patience and ability to wait for the fun.  One word of caution Don’t be a slave to your schedule, but rather use it as scaffolding for your day.  Be flexible and have fun. It is your summer vacation too after all! 

Thanks for stopping by!

PS - check out my Instagram (here) for our summer schedule this year

PPS- also check out these 10 tips (here) for summer success including a throw back to what our schedule looked like when the big ones were little. 

You Earned This

You earned this consequence. 

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks "but maaaaaaaammm this is soooooo unfaaaaaaair." Repeatedly we seem to be having the same conversation, or echoes of the same conversation. And inevitably it ends with me being unfair.

I whispered to my husband who sat quietly nearby pretending not to listen.

 

"Am I on track here?" 

"Yes".

I keep coming back to the notion that punishments are not arbitrarily dealt in our home. Consequences are not given - they are earned through behavior. They are a predictable response. When words fail to bring about the necessary correction, we reach a point where continuing to talk won’t suffice. 

There is a bit of cognitive behavioral theory at work here. The mind is both incredibly complicated and also fairly simple as well. When we offer a reward for certain behavior, we are encouraging that behavior. Similarly we can encourage a behavior by taking away some negative stimuli. When we take away a pleasurable thing, we are discouraging the behavior. By giving a punishment or painful response, we also discourage the behavior. 

It is important to talk about things, but talking doesn’t always change the behavior as desired. As parents, we need to exert the least about of force in order to elicit the proper response in the child, because ultimately we do want the child’s internal motivation for good to do most of the work. Their hedonistic tendencies and poor executive functioning means we sometimes need to step in and add some external motivators for behavior. All of this is happening in a time when we are striving to connect and relate to a loved one who is naturally pulling away from us and forming their own concepts of who they are. 

No doubt my daughter will remember this consequence into her adult years. With God’s grace she will remember it as the time when she realized mom and dad really meant what they said, and not remember it in some other distorted way. A parent’s words, promises, rules, and standards should be upheld. Children push, test, and stress those ideas to see if they will stand. Our job is to show them that we are reliable. We mean what we say. We are consistent and intentional about our parenting. We won’t be swayed when we are on the proper path. 

As My Oldest grabbed his keys and headed to the door for school he simply said, “You guys are doing the right thing. I still remember when you took away my play station for a month”.

I don’t feel great about the situation. Although I have peace, my heart hurts that her heart is hurting. I know I would feel guilt if I just let her off the hook. My job is to help her grow, not to coddle her, lower our standards, and let her be the comfortable version of herself. I want her to be the best version of herself, which requires hard work and perseverance. 

Raising teens is hard. I am finding more and more with my daughters especially that I need to keep praying for spiritual detachment. I cannot parent them with the primary goal of receiving their love and affection. That is both ineffective and disordered. I must parent them with the goal of helping them and myself to grow in goodness. 

Holiness is the objective, not friendship. 

For more on motivation theory and how it can help inform your parenting practices read this post (here). 

Fostering Imagination

We took a little field trip this month to the Pioneer Village. In previous years, the trip was a standard in the school field trip cycle, but never been a family favorite. I was curious as to why it failed to please because the website looks amazing. I gathered my daughter and a friend, packed lunches, and headed west.

Our trip did little to clear up why it was listed at the bottom of the list. This year the girls had an absolute blast. They performed a little show on the stage in the Opera House, counted money and learned how to use a scale to measure gold at the bank, talked to the carpenter about the tools he used, tried to pump water up by the mines, learned about chamber pots, talked on a phone in the old phone booths, and pretended to be 'wanted'.  

As I watched them taking turns being the banker, I marveled at their ability to step back into time and take on different characters. 

They loved the pretend play and to use their ability to put themselves roles and be completely in the moment together. 

Our children have really suffered lately in their opportunities for social interaction, and because of this, make-believe play may take on an even greater role in children's social development. 

We know from decades of research that free play or make-believe play is vital for children's normal development because it provides a forum for the expression of a multitude of skills including decision making, persistence, creativity,  and learning in general. This practice does seem to transfer to real life situations (unlike the skills that are practiced online, or in video game type virtual scenarios). Rather than learning to respond as one does in online play, make-believe play fosters a greater depth of creativity. Make-believe play is also associated with increased capacity of self-steering which in turn is foundational for mental flexibility, intrinsic motivation, and internal locus of control. 

Spontaneous self-initiated play is a normal developmental skill that we should encourage. If you want your 2 - 9 year old to be a creative thinker, motivated internally with confidence that their actions make a difference in the world, you need to unplug the TV, turn off the WiFi, and give them some wooden blocks, a box of dress up clothes, a chance to play the role of chef or scientist in the kitchen. Or maybe just send them outside to build a fort and figure it out. 

The little ones and I had such a great time playing at the Pioneer Village, I finally asked my older kids why they had found it boring. As we discussed it, the answer became clear. They experienced the field trip when they were too old. The curriculum and field trip topics over lapped, so of course it seemed like a good fit. In reality, the students at this age had moved out of make-believe play. Instead of stepping back into time, the middle school students were irritated by the dust, thought the talks were boring, and had no interest in role playing. 

If you have little ones in your care, encourage their imaginative play in any way you can. Take them on the fun excursions, get them the dress up clothes, and stoke their imaginations. The time will come when they put the costume box aside and use their imagination in different ways perhaps, through music or writing or art. If you have an older child who balks at pretend play, seek different ways to engage his or her imagination. Buy him or her a sketch pad and nice pencils and look for some online tutorials or check out a library book about drawing. As in most areas of parenting, finding the right developmental fit it key for growth in imagination. 

Imagination is more important than Knowledge. 

Knowledge is limited. 

Imagination encircles the world. 

- Albert Einstein

Thanks for stopping by!

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How to Celebrate a COVID Safe Birthday

We employ a risk-reward assessment every time we leave the home, or welcome someone into our home, as all of our interactions are laced with risk. Some of us have contact with the elderly, others do not. Some of us are working outside the home, others are not. Some of us are caring for COVID patients or in a high-risk occupation, and others are not. Some of us are as risk for complications, and others are not. Some of us face mental health challenges that are exacerbated by isolation, others do not. Each family is left to determine its own comfort level largely depending on our circumstances. As we come closer to marking an entire year of this pandemic, those of us caring for children have begun to worry not just about the physical risk of COVID, but also the larger social and emotional consequences of a continued life of social isolation. When it comes to a birthday, or special moment in our life, we feel the isolation even greater.  

There is an intensification of emotions around important dates, and as parents, we want to honor and celebrate each of our children in a special way. As the pandemic emerged and shut down orders were put into place, many turned to drive-through or drive-by birthdays. Cars were decorated, signs were made, contact-less gift drop offs and party-favor pick ups were created. We spent more time driving to the home than we did interacting with the birthday boy or girl, but the efforts were appreciated. We were happy to do something in a time when we were scared to do anything. It was a very temporary solution to larger problem that we hoped would go away quickly.

This month we will complete a year of my family's COVID birthdays, and we chose to mark the occasion with the safest in-person social gathering possible. Our birthday girl no longer has a classroom or recess with friends, and she is starved for social interaction with peers. The best gift we could give her was a little party circa 2019, with some minor modifications too keep everyone a little bit safer. 

Here are our tips for how to safely celebrate without taking way any joy of the day. 

* Celebrate with a small group. Pre-pandemic it was common place for children to invite their favorite friends, cousins, neighbors, and teammates over to celebrate together. It frequently made for a stressed out host who was pulled in different directions, and some awkward time for the guests who didn't know each other. With the creation of pandemic pods, we have the benefit of being encouraged to celebrate in smaller, more naturally occurring groups. One of my sons had a few classmates over for some food, volleyball, and bike riding. One daughter opted to gather with soccer teammates at the park for pizza and a scavenger hunt. Another invited her cousin over for swimming and a high tea. If you are limiting the gathering it to children from a small group, let the other families know. It will increase their likelihood of attending. "The only guests in attendance will be ____ teammates, and we will not be entertaining other friends and family at the party". 

There is beauty in sharing the special day in a more intimate way, according to your own comfort level. 

*Celebrate outdoors. Not all climates make this possible. In summer, here in the desert heat we are either forced indoors or into a pool. Find a park if your yard isn't ideal. The best part is that you won't have to clean your house if you keep everyone outside. 

*Plan activities that keep the children spread out as much as possible. Snuggling up to watch a movie and share a bag or popcorn is probably not a good idea. Putting a TV screen outside and having kids set up in their own sleeping bags, with individual bags of smart pop is maybe a better option. Playing a game of twister in the living room, maybe not so good. Doing a scavenger hunt in teams of two, or completing an obstacle course at the park is maybe a better choice. 

*Keep foods simple and in single servings. Individual bags of chips, little juice boxes, disposable water bottles, cupcakes not cake. And remind the birthday kid not to blow all over the other cupcakes when she/he blows out the candles.

*Use disposable as much as possible. Yes, you have permission to throw everything away. 

*Kick the parents out. Parents are more likely than children to be spreaders and the more people present, the bigger the risk. If your children are closing in on their double digits, a drop off party is usually preferred by by all anyhow. "We invite you to drop your daughter off for a few hours of birthday fun at the park"  is a nice way to make it clear that you don't want the parents to hang around.

*Limit the time. Traditionally two hours is plenty to time for socializing, a game or two, food, cake, and presents. Depending on the activity level and age of the children, you may be able to even shorten that. The longer the party the greater the risk. 

*Delay. If you still aren't comfortable with a gathering now, consider celebrating a 1/2 birthday in 6 months. Maybe you and your birthday child can spend some time on the actual birthday planning; create a budget, make a guest list, plan the foods and special theme. Give your child something to look forward. 

*Do something new and special. Put together a little photo or video slide show of your child or do a little birthday trivia game all about the special birthday child. 

*Remind your loved ones of the special day. People have so much on their minds it is easy to let a special day go unnoticed. Send your family a reminder a few days before, and then if needed, on the special day as well. In past years, your child probably got well wishes all day long from friends, teachers and classmates. He might not have cared if Uncle Bob remembered his special day in previous years, but it is more important now as our social interactions have been reduced. Invite loved ones to send a little video clip with happy birthday wish for your child. That will be much more meaningful than a simple text message. 

*Decorate your home. Put up some streamer or a banner, and wrap the gifts ahead of time to put them on 'display'. Put a special birthday tablecloth on the table with some balloons or flowers. Visual things are important. If the birthday isn't being celebrated as it has been traditionally, think about some fun way to celebrate visually with decorations. 

There are plenty of ways to celebrate your child's special day. For a year now we have all faced disappointment with canceled plans and delayed starts. With some careful planning you can still make this birthday, a day to remember fondly. 

Thanks for stoping by!

Cultivating Goodness in a Culture of Fear

Fear is the path to the Dark Side.

Fear leads to anger,

Anger leads to hate,

Hate leads to the suffering.

-Yoda (Phantom Menace, 1999).

I am not a Star Wars fan, but this quote by Yoda is one that stayed with me. In the past year, I have repeatedly thought about these words as we witnessed what happens to a world when fear runs unchecked - No, not unchecked, but rather promoted. 

In the early days of the pandemic, a retired police officer told me to prepare for massive civil unrest. She said that anytime you have a community living in fear, whose government puts in restrictions (as we anticipated would be coming), you have civil unrest in some form. Because fear leads to anger.

Neither of us knew what the trigger would be, but as a sociology major she knew that something would happen, because anger would soon follow the fear that was already growing around us. 

The anger unleashed, rather dissipating in a cathartic wave, grew into hatred as it was stoked by social media, cancel culture, a lack of national leadership, and social justice warriors taking up the mantle of not just reporter, but also that of judge and jury. 

Hatred towards entire occupations.

Hatred towards entire political parties.

Hatred towards our entire economic system.

Hatred towards our entire judicial system.

Hatred towards our entire democratic process.

Hatred towards our own brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors.

Rather than a constructive critique and transformation of processes that was failing us, we heard a call for utter destruction. A razing of our way of life. 

Rather than civil discussions with friends, we turned to division and conflict. When someone failed to agree with our opinion, we were shocked by their ignorance. There was no longer room for ideas that were different. Diversity once considered good, is now considered evil. 

Rather than I love you and I am sorry, rather than I forgive you or I don't see it that way, we accused one another of being unconscious, or worse harboring a cruelty of heart. 

Rather than teaching and leading and listening to one another, we assaulted one another's very character. 

Evil already roamed the earth, but this year we invited it into our communities, into our friendships, and into our homes. We taught our children how to recognize and point out ignorance in others, rather than teaching them how to recognize intellectual elitism and pride within our own selves. We invited in the fear, we stoked the anger, we justified the hatred as righteousness and we cultivated evil in our sacred domestic churches. 

It is time we undo it. Remove it. Cast it out. If we fail to root it out now, we pass fear, anger, hate and suffering along as a legacy to our children. 

We start by driving out the fear, and this can only be achieved through Perfect Love. 

Shut out the voices of anger and division and replace them with reminders to Love for the Lord and all of His creation. Invest, trust, and believe in your relationship with the Lord above all else and remain in His peace. Give specific thanks for the tangible things each day. Assume the best of others, not the worst. 

Be prudent, be just, be merciful, and be hopeful. You can not cultivate goodness without first driving out the fear. And don't wait. Your children are watching, listening, and learning. 

How Should We Talk To Our Kids About Crisis?

How do we talk to our kids in during a National Crisis? It is a question I have received a number of times in the last 24 hours as we watched our institution of democracy undermined in an afternoon and into an evening. 

In a National crisis, some of us try to absorb as much media as we can. Others avoid.

As members of this still-great federal republic, we have an obligation to be aware, but as adults we need to protect our children. We don’t have permission to obsess and neglect and bring fear into our home.

This year has given us multiple opportunities to sit on our sofa with the news and our phones, and doomscroll while we soak in the fear and anger of others. And there is much about which to be angry.

But as parents, we have an obligation to personally educate and protect our children. It is our job to do this. We must be the filter, the translator, the primary educator. We must provide context for what they see, answers to their question, soothe their concerns, and then recognize when we should turn it all off and play a game of cards together.

Children need reassurance that they are safe, that their world is good, and that there us hope for our future. Our conversations should convey that. Our interactions and responses should provide that.

Parents are their child’s primary protector. If your child is young, this means sheltering them from information they can not cognitively comprehend. If they are older, it means being honest about the world and providing much needed context for the events they see. 

We live in a fallen world, and evil is real. People have free will and make poor choices that put the lives of others in danger. The choices we make have consequences. These are all lessons that are being showcased. 

Here are 5 things parents should do:

First, you need to turn off the news. Let your children know what is happening. Show them a bit if you want, but endless steaming of violence and hate and abuse and anger shouldn’t be allowed in any home. The stress caused by the news is real for both adults and children alike. You can always flip it back on when they go to bed.

Secondly, if you don’t know the facts, find out rather than pretending. If you don’t know the difference between a riot, a protest, an act of sedition or an act of domestic terrorism, look it up. If they ask a new question, seek an answer together. Don’t rely on the non-expert. Experts share their knowledge freely.

Third, simplify your explanations and allow the child to ask for more. Too often adults dump information on children rather than letting them explore the issue together. A child who requires a one sentence answer doesn’t need to hear a dissertation about the subject, your thoughts, feelings, and fears for the future.

Fourth, be careful with your language. Always, never, but... these are words to use sparingly. Speak with charity and wisdom. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then say a prayer. 

Lastly, look and listen. Some children will be upset even though you do everything right. Some children are more sensitive or fearful. If they need extra help, attention, or just more TLC, give it to them.

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for passing this blog post along. 

For more parenting tips follow along on Instagram @Dr.MaryruthHackett or subscribe to my podcast Parenting Smarts. 

How to Raise a Reader: Five easy things all parents can do

A few years back, I wrote a blog post with some tips on how to teach your child to read (available here). I still love that post, but now that I am homeschooling my 8 year old, I realize even more clearly that teaching your child to read is only the first step. Helping them develop a love of literature is something different all together.  I alluded to this fact in the initial post, but now that I am in the trenches with a reluctant reader, I wanted to revisit the research and add a bit to the discussion.  Here are my five tips for helping your child develop an appreciation for literature.  In short, here is how you can help raise a reader.

1) Model Reading.  If you spend your day on electronics and your evenings in front of the TV, don’t be surprised when your children want to do the same thing. You are showing them what you value. If however, you regularly read books, discuss them with friends and family members, and have them around the house, you are showing your children that reading is an important thing to do with your time. Make literature part of your family culture. 

2) Escape in a Book Together. Children’s books can sometimes be simplistic especially for bright children. Take on a more challenging author together, and let them relax and escape to the sound of your voice reading good literature. There are some good middle-school level books that will engage both you and your child. This will also give you something to share, something to talk about, and some quality, low-pressure time together. If your child doesn’t want to sit, don’t make them. Active children may need to move or color while you read. That is okay too. Now that my older children are in High School, we are enjoying reading some of the same books (just at different times). It has given me a renewed appreciation of the classics, as well as an appreciation of how hard they work to get through some of the tougher works. 

3) Materials Matter.  Let them choose their own books. My four children all have different favorite books, and different favorite genres. Let them choose what they read; don’t force it. If they hate mystery, try animal stories, or historical fiction, or nonfiction, or children’s classics, or adventures, or sports… get my point? Let them find their niche and don’t be judgmental about it. Starting a book and then deciding not to finish it is not a sin. The world is full of other literary choices. 

4) Eliminate the Competition. When given the option, many children would prefer to watch TV or play video games or run outside rather than settle down with a book. Eliminate the other options. Build reading time into your schedule. If they want to just sit quietly with a book on their lap not reading, then that is okay too. You can’t force them. But if they have an interesting book at their reading level, they will probably crack it open and dive into the story.

5) Motivate Them.  With some of my little ones, we have needed to institute a 1:1 (or 1:2 rule). You can have 1 minute of electronics for every 1 minute of reading.  We found a small, timer bookmark recently and are using that with my youngest now. She sets the timer and can keep track of her time with the book. 

In our busy, distracted culture, developing a love of reading is not likely to happen on accident. It takes intentionality to cultivate an appreciation of literature. 

If your child is still struggling to read by the third or fourth grade, talk with her teacher or the pediatrician. She may need a different approach to instruction and internalization of the processes required for reading, before she can really enjoy a good book. 

Happy reading & thanks for stopping by!

Choosing the Right Schooling During a Pandemic

My regular blog readers & podcast listeners know that my goal is to take research on child development and education, and translate it into workable parenting practices for you to implement in your family life.
With my background in Educational Psychology and the return to school looming, I am getting messages now asking what I am doing with my four kids who are split between two schools.

My first response is

“What I do isn’t necessarily best for you”.

That said, the thought process I used to get to my decision may be helpful to many. 

1) List all of your options.

What is actually possible? If you have employment demands and cannot physically handle anything other than sending your children to school, then your decision is made. But if you have flexibility in your decision making and schedule, read on.

2) Stability is important.  

Is one educational option going to provide more consistency (even if us isn’t ideal) if cases get worse or better in your area? Is your school a cherished part of your family's community? Are they working to ensure a continuity of learning throughout the year?

3) Age matters. 

Older children are better able to follow recommendations, and are also more likely to have the ability to keep things in perspective. AAP recommends masks in school for children middle school age and older. The CDC suggests dividers or partitions, desks 6 feet apart, and closing communal spaces. 

Older children will adapt to the changes at school more easily; they will ignore the itchy nose and just get on with it. Many will be thrilled to finally be with their teen-tribe again. They are less likely to care if the teacher is behind a video screen or plexiglass partition.

Younger children need close contact with a teacher. They are less likely to comply with good hand washing (when mom isn’t around), or with proper mask wearing.

4) Think worse case scenario.  

Does the education plan have adequate flexibility? Does it allow for changes in scenarios when someone has to quarantine or if the teacher gets sick? What are the expectations if a family member is sick? Does everyone in the house stay home? How is sick-time or quarantined time instruction handled?

Is the primary plan by your school realistic for your family? What are your alternate options? Could you distance learn via the public school system? What is your local private school doing? Could you manage home-schooling for a year with actual homeschool curriculum, rather than 8-3 on a screen watching a class from home? Could an online academy work for you? Are there various options that may work for your different children based on their own learning and comfort needs.

5) Look for the best fit for each child and for you as well. 

I have always said that educational options need to be adapted to the children’s needs. Just because something worked for one child, it doesn’t mean it will be the best fit for them all. This is true now more than ever before. 

That said, limiting your contact with others is still going to be important. If you have children at 4 different schools, that is potentially 4 different contamination locations, 4 different schedules, 4 different sets of rules/procedures. Recognize the complexity in that model and consider whether it is really required. Could you simplify here and still meet their needs just as well? Could you homeschool some and send others to a classroom setting? Maybe you let some distance learn and do an online academy with another?

Be careful, be thoughtful, be prayerful. Many of us do have lots of options, even if we don’t like the options! You need to find what will work best for your children and your family life, but with prayerful intentionality I am sure you will devise the best approach.

This is a rough time to be a child and to be a parent, but we will get through it together. Thanks for stopping by!

Parenting the Preschooler: 8 Tips for helping children develop respect for your rules & requests

The preschool years are full of fun and excitement, but they can also bring tears and frustration as the child's budding personality, wants, and desires, find themselves in conflict with yours.

One of the biggest struggles with preschoolers is that their growing independence and abilities aren't necessarily paired with an increased desire to follow your rules or requests. Preschoolers get caught up in play and can be curious as they explore their environment more freely. They have strong feelings, but lack the perspective taking abilities to recognize that you have feelings and wants as well.  By age three or four, preschoolers become experts at really testing the rules to see if they apply in all situations, every day, as they question if you really mean what you say. But there is hope. Here are 8 tips for navigating the preschool years and helping your child be successful at following your rules and requests.

1) Stay positive and redirect. The old tool of toddlerhood is still effective with many three or four year olds. Rather than saying NO all day, strive to say YES by giving them other options.

2) Use simple explanations for your requests. You don't have to justify your rules or requests, but if you explain them, your child is more likely to remember the rule and may even begin to generalize. Children at this age don't naturally realize that if you say "no jumping on the bed" that actually means "no jumping on the furniture".  Explaining why you have the rules helps them to make sense of their world.

3) Be consistent. If you say "No eating on the couch", but let them have popcorn on the couch before bed you are undermining yourself and confusing them. Set specific rules and follow those rules as a family.

4) Look for patterns related to the problems. If you are struggling, look for patterns to the disobedience. Is it primarily when she is tired? If it is related to something specific (putting away toys or backtalk or bedtime drama)? Troubleshoot the specific problem. Maybe she needs a little more guidance or has a little problem you need to work out together. When my oldest son was this age he had a huge problem whenever we went to get his hair cut. He finally confessed he was scared the stylist was going to cut off his ears. If there is a particularly tough situation, dig a little deeper to get to the issue.

5) Offer both a request and a reward. One of my go-to approaches with all ages is to make a request paired with some little thank you. Let me know when you take out the trash and then we can play that card game together. When you are done cleaning your room, we can have lunch. Make sure you finish up your chores before you come to join us swimming. You get the gist. This gives them an objective to work towards after the work is done. It helps them stay focused and motivated until the end.

6) Follow up with simple discipline when rules are broken. Eliminate the drama and give firm follow-up, allowing the consequence to be the punishment, rather than just your complaining. Don't loose your cool. "I asked you to pick up your toys before you turned on the TV and you did not do that. Now you won't be able to watch TV at all, and your toys are going in the box for the next few days". Keep it as simple as possible.

7) Recognize that testing your rules is her job right now. Your job is to help her understand those rules and respect your authority. Expect her to test, and prepare yourself with your reaction plan.

8) Shower her with more attention. When we experience conflict in a relationship, sometimes an extra dose of affection can move us in the right direction. Your child needs to know that your love is not tied to her behavior. She was created by God to love and be loved. When children are secure in their love, they respond better to the feedback, guidance, and discipline.

The preschool years are rough in many ways. Hopefully these tips will help you switch your approach and give you the confidence you need to proceed at the task of raising your child to have respect for you, your rules, and your requests. God's blessing on you and your family through these difficult times and situations.

If you want more on discipline or obedience at any age, check out episodes 24 and 34 of the podcast where I expand on both of these topics.

Thanks for stopping by!

The End of Pandemic Parenting

A friend said recently, “It is as if we are living in some dystopian novel”.

Like many of you, I have been slowly adjusting. I have been thinking of this time as “a time that is set away”- different and somehow almost suspended.

When we first embarked on our Springtime of Pandemic Parenting, I suggested that we all relax a little. That was when I thought that by the time summer rolled around, I would be vacationing far away countries, and visiting colleges with my oldest, rather than living each day in my same t-shirt, answering the routine question “What are we going to do today?” with the routine answer “Not much”. 

Early on, I encouraged you all to be a little more child-led in your approach to the Spring. Let your kids watch movies and play their video games. Let them Facetime their friends and make messes creating with all those amazon boxes. Whatever you needed to do in order to just survive the realities of living together 24/7, for this short period of time, was unlikely to create lasting damage in your children.

And here we are many months, MONTHS – not- weeks- later, and it is time to change our mindset. Because the “time-out-of-time approach“ works on vacation, or summer break, or some shortish time frame. But it is not the optimal approach for everyday parenting.

How to Raise Anti-Racist Kids

For Christmas this year, I got Dr. Crystal Fleming’s 2018 book How to be Less Stupid about Race. In it, Fleming writes “living in a racist society socializes us to be stupid about race”.  The main premise of her book, is that the current broader culture, in her words “exposes us all to absurd and harmful ideas that, in turn, help maintain the status quo” p3. When something is part of the mainstream culture, it becomes our normal. Good-hearted people, can then contribute to the pain and suffering of others, without realizing it. With the proliferation of thoughts and ideas, of opinions and emotions, ignorance to the issues of race can no longer be an excuse for perpetuating racism.

Addressing issues of racism from a parenting approach, can be a way to address the culture in our own home- how we look at situations, how and when we discuss things on the news, with whom we socialize and how we interact with others, how we answer difficult questions. In and through our conversations, we can work to change the culture in our homes, and can continue to change our culture as a whole. Change happens on a micro-system level in the 1:1 interactions we have with our children and our friends.

Development of Racism

Racism is a way of thinking about something – it is a thought process that begins with stereotypes, biases, and prejudices based on an oversimplification or a generalization of groups or people.  This starts as soon as we notice differences, because our brains strive for simplification – our brains are going to try to classify, generalize, and oversimplify. We have to combat this because racism, biases and prejudices are inherently evil.

By age two, children recognize physical differences and by age 3 and 4 children start classifying things, including people. Children may start questioning why people have different hair or skin tones, and just like with gender they don’t necessarily see race as salient.  By age 4 children show age preferences – then by age 8, children come to understand racial constancy. And this is really a ripe time to talk about cultural awareness and racial identity.  Obviously as questions come up, we can and should talk about it with younger children as well. We should not shy away from dialogue. There is nothing shameful about talking about race.

Lasting Lessons for Your New Graduate

Is your graduate suddenly someone you WANT to see leave the house? Doors slamming, eye rolling, sarcastic remarks, insults that cut to the core? Or maybe they have just checked out and are escaping for as long as possible to spend time with friends.

No worries. It is all normal. Don't take it personally. Actually, take it as a compliment. Because it means two things.

1- Leaving you is going to be hard.

2- Your Child is ready to leave.

Separating themselves physically and emotionally is part of the Senior year process. Your graduates should feel ready to leave. They should be excited and a little wound up about leaving. They should be just a little worried about how they are going to get by without their safety net. Trying to cut that net now is okay.

How it manifests is different in every family, but many graduates who are leaving in the fall, turn a little vicious, or become apathetic towards those in their normally close knit family. They spend as much time away from the home, with friends (or acquaintances),  or  working. They want to start to create space between themselves and you. They become distant.

It is hard. It is terrible. It can be heartbreaking. But it is normal. And they probably don't even realize they are doing it.

But Everybody Else is Doing It: Addressing FOMO as a Family

But Everybody else gets go, 

Everybody else gets to play, 

Everybody else gets to watch it, 

Everybody else has one...

The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.

Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.

There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.

Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO

Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.

Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements.  We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.

How to Parent in a Pandemic

Parenting in the current climate is hard.  For many of us it is harder than we would have thought it would be. Having our own children around and spending time at home with our spouse aren’t traditionally seen as hardships. However, fear of illness, employment uncertainty, frustration, with new learning processes, and a loss of our own social support are new trials we are struggling to endure.

For those fortunate to still have gainful employment, there are stresses of working at home with children to parent during the day. For families experiencing job loss, unemployed or underemployed, uncertainty regarding meeting their families basic needs exists, and this breeds fear and anxiety.

Fear and anxiety love to grow in uncertain times. When we lack a mental schema, or a mental representation for how to proceed, our creative instincts can get the best of us.  We have so few answers, and no real understanding of how or when this will end, what our culture will look like, when can we return to regular mass, what will happen with the schooling in the fall.

If we were “just” and I use just in air quotes, experiencing an economic recession, we would sort of know what to expect. We have been through some of those. If we were just experiencing (again with air quotes) a big flu season, we may know better what to expect, when it will go away. 

The fact we aren’t able to plan for the future makes this so much harder.

We need to balance the reality of the day-to-day difficulty with the truth that parenting is our vocation.  Just as God can bring good from suffering, as parents we can invite Him to bring increased goodness into our homes now.

We parent in the present, we love in the present, we live in the present. So we can take this time to learn to be more present. Don’t worry about the future – Saint Padre Pio said “Pray hope, and don’t worry.”

That doesn’t mean being less intentional about your parenting.

We should all take some time to think about how we want our kids to remember this time (read more about thathere). We have a beautiful opportunity to spend time with, and connect with our kids in such a unique way right now, but we need to be intentional about it. The intensity with which we parent now has changed as has and the opportunity to play a bigger role in our children’s lives.  

Being present and living more in the moment is the answer to more fully embracing the opportunities we have at home now.

The research on stress tells us that if we are under stress, we either need to remove the stressor, or we need to change our reaction to the stress. We can’t remove our children, or spouse, or the threat of illness, so we have to change our reaction to the stress.