Cultivating Goodness in a Culture of Fear

Fear is the path to the Dark Side.

Fear leads to anger,

Anger leads to hate,

Hate leads to the suffering.

-Yoda (Phantom Menace, 1999).

I am not a Star Wars fan, but this quote by Yoda is one that stayed with me. In the past year, I have repeatedly thought about these words as we witnessed what happens to a world when fear runs unchecked - No, not unchecked, but rather promoted. 

In the early days of the pandemic, a retired police officer told me to prepare for massive civil unrest. She said that anytime you have a community living in fear, whose government puts in restrictions (as we anticipated would be coming), you have civil unrest in some form. Because fear leads to anger.

Neither of us knew what the trigger would be, but as a sociology major she knew that something would happen, because anger would soon follow the fear that was already growing around us. 

The anger unleashed, rather dissipating in a cathartic wave, grew into hatred as it was stoked by social media, cancel culture, a lack of national leadership, and social justice warriors taking up the mantle of not just reporter, but also that of judge and jury. 

Hatred towards entire occupations.

Hatred towards entire political parties.

Hatred towards our entire economic system.

Hatred towards our entire judicial system.

Hatred towards our entire democratic process.

Hatred towards our own brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors.

Rather than a constructive critique and transformation of processes that was failing us, we heard a call for utter destruction. A razing of our way of life. 

Rather than civil discussions with friends, we turned to division and conflict. When someone failed to agree with our opinion, we were shocked by their ignorance. There was no longer room for ideas that were different. Diversity once considered good, is now considered evil. 

Rather than I love you and I am sorry, rather than I forgive you or I don't see it that way, we accused one another of being unconscious, or worse harboring a cruelty of heart. 

Rather than teaching and leading and listening to one another, we assaulted one another's very character. 

Evil already roamed the earth, but this year we invited it into our communities, into our friendships, and into our homes. We taught our children how to recognize and point out ignorance in others, rather than teaching them how to recognize intellectual elitism and pride within our own selves. We invited in the fear, we stoked the anger, we justified the hatred as righteousness and we cultivated evil in our sacred domestic churches. 

It is time we undo it. Remove it. Cast it out. If we fail to root it out now, we pass fear, anger, hate and suffering along as a legacy to our children. 

We start by driving out the fear, and this can only be achieved through Perfect Love. 

Shut out the voices of anger and division and replace them with reminders to Love for the Lord and all of His creation. Invest, trust, and believe in your relationship with the Lord above all else and remain in His peace. Give specific thanks for the tangible things each day. Assume the best of others, not the worst. 

Be prudent, be just, be merciful, and be hopeful. You can not cultivate goodness without first driving out the fear. And don't wait. Your children are watching, listening, and learning. 

Argument in an Age Devoid of Reason

"Don’t confuse critique of your work, theories, or ideas, to be a criticism of you as a person."

That was the advice given to me when I was a young graduate student and researcher. This was years ago, before everyone had a platform online and before everyone who felt strongly on a topic would declare himself or herself an expert.  Now simply having opinions on a topic seems to mean one has moral obligation to change the opinions of others. We find ourselves in a time of intellectual arrogance where arguments simply need passion, and often find themselves devoid of reason. 

It was with humility that I presented that project and others that followed. I discussed the concepts and research, gained insight, refined my understanding, grew in wisdom, and developed an understanding that was greater than what I could achieve on my own. Through the process of intellectual discussion, scholarship is refined and the intellect is sharpened.

This is how ideas evolve. Understanding grows when facts and experiences can be discussed and debated without personal attack or character assassination. When we attack a person - their privilege, wealth, religion or race, rather than addressing how they came to their conclusions, we show a complete lack of intellectual integrity. 

This type of rhetoric is just one step above name calling, and is referred to in rhetorical strategy as “ad hominem”. The highest form being Central Point Refutation, when you explicitly refute the central point of the argument. When you practice ad hominem, attacking the person not the argument itself, you undermine your own argument, you set the opposition on the defense, and you loose any possibility of helping your opponent grow in understanding. Moreover, in disparaging the individual, you expose your inability to argue your point based on fact.  

Change and growth in intellect occurs through the one-on-one interactions between individuals. If you hope to change minds and influence people in the coming year, keep to the facts. Stay focused on the argument, not the individual with whom you are arguing. 

As Oscar Wilde wrote, “The value of an idea has nothing whatsoever to do with the sincerity of the man who expresses it. Indeed, the probabilities are that the more insincere the man is, the more purely intellectual will the idea be, as in that case it will not be colored by either his wants, his desires, or his prejudices”. 

Reason is required to change hearts and minds. Emotion expressed, when devoid of reason, only causes an individual to intensify their position. But this requires each of us to have sound reasoning on the issue and an understanding of the facts of the situation. As you approach a conversation, you must to be knowledgeable on the topic, rather than just passionate.  Some of that knowledge will naturally come from the conversation itself, for you need to seek to understand the views of others, before you can hope to transform their thinking. 

Minds are not changed through emotions or insult. They are changed through intellect and reason. Hearts can be motivated to raise the mind towards an issue, and emotions can help touch a heart, but it is insufficient to use emotion alone and hope to change a mind. Even if you are accurate in your assessment, insulting someone and pointing out his or her personal failings or lack of experience will do little to bring them to your side. Your argument will become “bankrupt through an over-expenditure of sympathy” (Oscar Wilde). 

May the Holy Spirit continue to guide our thoughts and conversations, and give us knowledge and courage in the coming season. 

But Everybody Else is Doing It: Addressing FOMO as a Family

But Everybody else gets go, 

Everybody else gets to play, 

Everybody else gets to watch it, 

Everybody else has one...

The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.

Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.

There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.

Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO

Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.

Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements.  We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation: Double-Dating in England

The kids are back in school (phew) and I have a moment to breathe in the serenity of a quiet (for now) home.  The last time I felt this relaxed was- oh, just a few weeks ago.  I had to look through my old posts to confirm the unbelievable - I hadn't yet blogged about the greatest, most fantastic part of my summer.  My instagram peeps got to see the best of the photos but now I realize that I never actually wrote a record of it.  So here goes...


What I did on my summer vacation…





A few years back, my friend and her husband hatched a great plan for a dual-family vacation.  We were going to do something EPIC for our husbands 40th birthday and go to Europe.  All 6 of us and 10 of them.  It was going to be crazy - rent a villa, invite some more friends, and just hang out in the south of France or somewhere equally cool for a few weeks.

We got passports for all the kids.

We looked at amazing places to rent.

We looked at plane tickets.

Then we booked a place in California.

It turned out to be a wonderful vacation, but it certainly wasn't the European Get-Away of our dreams.

Fast-forward to spring, and these same friends are at it again talking this time about a couples trip to England.  Now England is one of my favorite places. I love

Growing Through Giving: VBS 2015

When I first saw the email from our Pastor I thought "no way" and I deleted it.

I didn't even consider taking on a leadership role with Vacation Bible School.  Our RE director wasn't able to run it this year and it looked like it wasn't going to happen at all.  I didn't give it much thought and moved on to the emails from Groupon (which I just delete) and Blessed is She (which I devour).  And then I got the text from my best friend Nellie (who is also the photographer for all these quick pics from the week) saying

"We are doing this right?" 

And by 'this' she meant VBS. Cue crickets chirping.

A few nights later as a group of us gathered in her house for our normal Women's Group she called us to task.  If we want a program, and we want it done a certain way, we need to step up and do it.  Now I have written elsewhere about serving in our parish.  About starting a ministry, about teaching our kids to serve... I am not shy about stepping up when I can.  But running a VBS program with just a few months to plan is a huge endeavor and not something I was really sure we could pull off.   Summer was going to be my time to relax, not get crazy busy in the 110 degree heat.

Can you see little Anna in the background? 

Someone must have been praying about it because we did say yes and we found more amazing women and teens to say yes.

Sodality: How I came to be a "Church Lady"

For a few years, now a dear friend of mine has been inviting me to the Ladies Sodality meeting at our church.  This ministry has been together for almost 66 years (which is a long time for our fairly new church) and serves the parish and community in a variety of ways.  I spoke to the ministry as a guest when I started the Mom's Ministry and again when I helped get our Women's Study program up and going at our parish.   

But becoming a member? The meetings were nice, and the ladies were lovely, but the description of the ministry didn't sound all that appealing: 

Women of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel who are above the age of sixteen and registered in the parish interested in serving our parish through hospitality and fellowship in a variety of ways. This year Sodality celebrates 64 years at OLMC; our volunteers host bake sales – raising money for the parish Easter candle and an annual scholarship for one young woman graduating from OLMC and attending Catholic high school; cleaning the Sacristy Friday mornings; washing and ironing small table linens; making baptismal bibs; and providing delicious refreshments for RCIA and other parish programs and events.

All I read was bake, clean, wash, iron, sew, bake again.  And all I could think - 

 I already have those jobs. 

I don't want them in my free-time too.  

But my friend kept inviting me and I kept coming.  And slowly Our Mother worked on my heart and opened my eyes.  

First of all the description of the group is lacking.  If I were to describe this ministry it would be as such:

Women of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel who are above the age of sixteen and registered in the parish are invited to join our parishes longest running ministry. The Sodality is a lifelong commitment to join the Army of Our Blessed Mother Mary.  A multi-age group, we are a community of women who meet regularly for community building, fellowship, food, and prayer.  We care for the needs of the parish and larger community though our personal service, through our prayer groups, and by raising funds for the church (for items such as the Easter Candle, as well as for incidental gifts such as student scholarships).  

The ministry is not about washing and cleaning, although those tasks do need to be accomplished at every parish.  

Rather, Sodality is a group of people striving to be holy.  The word sodality actually means Union of prayer, or fellwoship  or friendship. These women in our parish's sodality are single, married, young and old.  Some have children others do not.  But we all share a devotion to Our Blessed Mother and God's Holy Church.  Sodality members have been saints and even popes, but mostly they are people just like us.

I have wondered a bit what took me so long to say yes to this ministry and officially become a "Church Lady".  


And it is pride.  

At our parish this ministry has a reputation of being a group for the old ladies - you know - the "Church Lady" played by Dana Carvey on SNL. Hilarious, but not something I want to be.  

After attending for a while I found myself asking -why wouldn't I join? These are awesome and holy women whose ages span from teens to 90 years olds.     

During the induction ceremony (yes I got "jumped in" by the ladies), I had to commit to strive to be a woman of virtue, who practiced Faith, Hope, and Charity.  I am to be held accountable for my actions to Our Mother, and to these women for life.  They will serve as mentors and guides as I navigate my own path to holiness, and someday perhaps I will be able to follow their lead and grow to be a worthy mentor myself.  

We meet one Saturday morning each month... won't you consider joining us?

What is stopping you right now? What is holding you back from taking that next step on your journey to Christ? Have you invited others to join you on your journey? Ask today, ask tomorrow, and keep asking.  Someday we will say yes!  

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

The Real Story: Bad Mommy Moments

We all have them.  Well, if you don't, please don't let me know.  I assume we all have them.  Actually sometimes I wonder if Our Blessed Mother ever had them.  I know Our Queen of Heaven was without sin, but BMM's are not really sinful moments.

Bad Mommy Moments are those moments when we do something, well, embarrassingly bad.  

Like putting the sun tea in the back of the car instead of putting it on the porch.  
Or putting Preparation-H on the kids toothbrushes (on accident of course!) instead of toothpaste.
Or throwing a shoe because we spilled something.  
Or telling you kids they need to stop "acting like a bunch of children!" 
Or forgetting to drop your child off at school because you were sucked into a radio discussion on Dr McDreamy being killed off (and I don't even watch Grays Anatomy- I literally drove into the school parking lot and then out again before Anthony said "uh, mom, you need to stop and let me out"). 

Those are Bad Mommy Moments

My sister and I share those moments with one another.  We decided that such moments probably happened just so that we could share them.  It makes us all feel so much better to know that we are not the only ones who do ridiculous things on this journey of motherhood.

What is your most memorable Bad Mommy Moment? Make us all laugh!

Thanks for stopping by to laugh with me.

Evangelizing in Everything #CWBNCA

Surrounded by strangers and tucked into the middle seat, I laughed most of the way back from California.  I was returning from an amazing conference:  The Catholic Women’s Blogging Conference for the Southwest Region.  It is mouthful.  We just called it the Catholic Mom's Blogging Retreat #CWBNCA.  

On the way home, The Girls and I got separated for the flight back because we decided to pass the 40 minutes before boarding… in the bar.  Just one drink and we had a horrible boarding number anyhow.  We were separated not because we were at the bar too long,but rather because we didn't plan ahead and get our boarding passes early.   We were just having to much fun to think about going home 24 hours into our vacation.

And I don't even feel guilty about that.

Friendship Part One

I have been having a hard time writing lately due to life logistics.  Tonight I am writing when I have absolutely no business writing.   The kids have 1.5 days left of school before summer vacation so it has been crazy busy, it is late at night, I am exhausted after a emotionally draining (but awesome) women's group and a physically draining day.  But writing is a way of clarifying and processing for me, so here I find myself, drawn to the computer, compelled to put thoughts into words, into print.