How to Help Your Teen Find A Good College Fit

As I watched friends and acquaintances work through the college selection process, I admit it was fairly overwhelming. My husband attended Duke undergraduate, I attended Scripps Women's College, and we both did our various graduate work at Arizona State University. That gave us accidental experience on the small, midsize, and large campuses. Furthermore, I have done a very little teaching at JrCo and more at ASU. So we came to the college search with a bit of experience, although it was not recent. As we reorient ourselves to the college search process as parents, rather than as students or instructors, we are learning as we go and want to pass on what we have taken-in thus far. 

Let me start by saying it is possible that college may be not in the cards for all teens. That said, if you and your teen have decided that college is the path for them, this post is for you!

1) Identify your goal and your child's goal. This will differ by family. For all of our children, we want them to have a 4 year college residential college experience that will help prepare them for a more independent life - both practically independent (living away), financially independent, and independence of thought. All of our children currently aspire to be a college graduate so this is a shared goal.

2) Explore options. For each of our children, our hope is that we can find a college that will be a good fit for them personally. This may mean a large school for one and a tiny school for another. But in the first few years of highschool, we take every opportunity to give them a chance to see college campuses.  This means when we travel to see family, we look at a college. When we travel for soccer, we look at a college. When we visit a new city, we talk about what it may like for them to live in a place like this. Our middle school and highschool are very small so the older two have both been drawn to smaller campuses which still seem to feel very large. In one long weekend we were able to walk 4 very different campuses in one region and do a great comparison. He was not particularly interested in any of the schools prior, but taking the time to walk the campus gave him a chance to personally compare and contrast. 

3) Talk about careers and majors early, but be flexible. Our sons have been interested in engineering. They may or may not pursue that. Apply to colleges without engineering programs is a waste of time and will limit their options. This doesn't mean they can't look at other majors, it simply means they have the most opportunity. Our eldest entered as an engineering major because that is the major that required the most credits. He can easily transfer out of engineering later, but he can't transfer into engineering without adding semesters. 

4) Money matters. Let's not pretend that it doesn't. We have found the best merit based scholarships go to the prospective students whom the colleges want the most. This likely means that if you have an SAT of 1400, and you apply to a school with a median SAT of 1450, you are not likely to get a lot of merit money. If however you apply to a school where you 1400 puts you in the top 5-10% of students, money will likely follow. Not all schools have merit money. Some prefer to give on a need basis only. Also, some schools offer a few full tuition scholarships, others offer quite a few full-tuition scholarships. Look at what you need to qualify for those full tuition awards and see if it is realistic for you.

5) Talk about the money openly with your teen from the beginning. Who is paying for this and how will it be possible? Do you have a 529 plan? Will you take out loans? Will your child be footing the bill for tuition and room and board? Will he or she need to work while in school? There is no sense in looking at colleges that are outside the realm of possibility financially. We have crossed great schools off the list because they are just not financially realistic, and our sons do not want to have great amounts of school debt.

6) Keep a spreadsheet. I know not everyone is into this, but a spreadsheet is an easy way to remember which schools were small/med/large, which region it was in, urban or rural, tuition/room & board, what were the median SAT, and if there is anything that stood out about the school. Our sons had/have soccer to consider as well so we include team/coach information as well. This is shareable so we can each update it or add comments ourselves. 

7) Pray about it. This is a big step for you and your young adult. Don't forget to pray every step of this journey. When my son was trying to decide between his top two schools I simply surrendered the situation to the Lord and asked Him to make it clear to my son.  The Lord know where you child should be. 

Once you take into consideration your child's preferences for things like size, region, prestige, majors, study abroad possibilities, extracurricular opportunities, price tag, and residential situation, you may find that that overwhelming list of schools has narrowed itself down naturally. With only one in college now and a few more to go we will be sure to update as we learn more in this process. Until then good luck with your own searches!

You Earned This

You earned this consequence. 

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks "but maaaaaaaammm this is soooooo unfaaaaaaair." Repeatedly we seem to be having the same conversation, or echoes of the same conversation. And inevitably it ends with me being unfair.

I whispered to my husband who sat quietly nearby pretending not to listen.

 

"Am I on track here?" 

"Yes".

I keep coming back to the notion that punishments are not arbitrarily dealt in our home. Consequences are not given - they are earned through behavior. They are a predictable response. When words fail to bring about the necessary correction, we reach a point where continuing to talk won’t suffice. 

There is a bit of cognitive behavioral theory at work here. The mind is both incredibly complicated and also fairly simple as well. When we offer a reward for certain behavior, we are encouraging that behavior. Similarly we can encourage a behavior by taking away some negative stimuli. When we take away a pleasurable thing, we are discouraging the behavior. By giving a punishment or painful response, we also discourage the behavior. 

It is important to talk about things, but talking doesn’t always change the behavior as desired. As parents, we need to exert the least about of force in order to elicit the proper response in the child, because ultimately we do want the child’s internal motivation for good to do most of the work. Their hedonistic tendencies and poor executive functioning means we sometimes need to step in and add some external motivators for behavior. All of this is happening in a time when we are striving to connect and relate to a loved one who is naturally pulling away from us and forming their own concepts of who they are. 

No doubt my daughter will remember this consequence into her adult years. With God’s grace she will remember it as the time when she realized mom and dad really meant what they said, and not remember it in some other distorted way. A parent’s words, promises, rules, and standards should be upheld. Children push, test, and stress those ideas to see if they will stand. Our job is to show them that we are reliable. We mean what we say. We are consistent and intentional about our parenting. We won’t be swayed when we are on the proper path. 

As My Oldest grabbed his keys and headed to the door for school he simply said, “You guys are doing the right thing. I still remember when you took away my play station for a month”.

I don’t feel great about the situation. Although I have peace, my heart hurts that her heart is hurting. I know I would feel guilt if I just let her off the hook. My job is to help her grow, not to coddle her, lower our standards, and let her be the comfortable version of herself. I want her to be the best version of herself, which requires hard work and perseverance. 

Raising teens is hard. I am finding more and more with my daughters especially that I need to keep praying for spiritual detachment. I cannot parent them with the primary goal of receiving their love and affection. That is both ineffective and disordered. I must parent them with the goal of helping them and myself to grow in goodness. 

Holiness is the objective, not friendship. 

For more on motivation theory and how it can help inform your parenting practices read this post (here). 

Lasting Lessons for Your New Graduate

Is your graduate suddenly someone you WANT to see leave the house? Doors slamming, eye rolling, sarcastic remarks, insults that cut to the core? Or maybe they have just checked out and are escaping for as long as possible to spend time with friends.

No worries. It is all normal. Don't take it personally. Actually, take it as a compliment. Because it means two things.

1- Leaving you is going to be hard.

2- Your Child is ready to leave.

Separating themselves physically and emotionally is part of the Senior year process. Your graduates should feel ready to leave. They should be excited and a little wound up about leaving. They should be just a little worried about how they are going to get by without their safety net. Trying to cut that net now is okay.

How it manifests is different in every family, but many graduates who are leaving in the fall, turn a little vicious, or become apathetic towards those in their normally close knit family. They spend as much time away from the home, with friends (or acquaintances),  or  working. They want to start to create space between themselves and you. They become distant.

It is hard. It is terrible. It can be heartbreaking. But it is normal. And they probably don't even realize they are doing it.

But Everybody Else is Doing It: Addressing FOMO as a Family

But Everybody else gets go, 

Everybody else gets to play, 

Everybody else gets to watch it, 

Everybody else has one...

The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.

Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.

There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.

Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO

Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.

Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements.  We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.

Listening for God's Call... Keeping our children's hearts open to vocational life

I love God with all my 

heart, mind, & soul...

yet I don't always 

respond to His call.

My children don't even listen to me... 

how do I help them 

develop the ability 

to listen to God's call?  

If I want to ensure that my children are open to vocational life, then (according to a favorite priest of mine), there are two things I need to do make sure my kids know:

1) God will call them at some time

2) They need to be ready and willing 

to answer with courage to God's call

It is fine to tell my children this on a regular basis, but how do I help them to internalize these two truths?  

* Pray the If. When we pray, we pray for their future spouse IF they are called to the vocation of marriage. By actually saying "if they are called to the vocation of marriage", we make clear that our expectation is not that they grown up, get married, have children. We are leaving open the reality that they may be called to be a Bride/Bridegroom to the Church, and that would be great too.

* Priests are people too. We try to develop personal/family relationships with priests and sisters in our community so that our children can come to see these men and woman as people, not just clergy. This can be really really hard in some communities! For those of us who don't ourselves have personal relationships with those who have been called to Holy Order it can seem impossible.  I recommend baby steps. If you don't click with your parish priests, look for a community of religious who have a vocation of evangelization or outreach in your area. Explore a little. Listen to podcasts like Catholic Stuff You Should Know and share them with your teens. The priests are hilarious, personable, and well informed. 

* Plan a little and pray a lot. We try not to plan out our child's entire life, nor do we encourage them to plan their entire life. My husband holds two masters degrees, and I hold both a masters and a doctorate degree. We obviously worked hard in school and planned ahead taking all the requisite courses. However, when my son's Jr High announced that they would offer college planning for the young students I balked. There is a season for everything and in childhood I want my child to be a child.  I want my child to do what is right - work hard, take interesting courses, explore, dream, play, volunteer. I want him to experience childhood as something more than a stepping stone to prepare him for the next phase of life. Jr. High is hard enough without having to worry about college applications and accumulating the right accolades before high school. There are saints like St. Therese who were called to religious life early, but most 12 year olds aren't listening. By setting our child up for life as an engineer (so make sure you take AP math and do the robotics club and the summer science camp!), we are sending the message that our child's will (to be an engineer) is the will which we should be facilitating, rather than facilitating the will of God for our child. 

My job as a mother is to help facilitate my child's call to holiness. Sometimes this involves helping him get to soccer practice (where he learns perseverance and teamwork and pushing beyond his own temporal needs for the greater good), and sometimes it means making him attend mass or adoration when he would rather not. It means helping him attune his ear to God. It means helping him develop a prayer life. It means switching things up and letting him drop out of youth group and instead join an apologetics club because it is a better fit for the way his mind operates. It means letting him choose his own service project instead of making him do one that I think looks fun/is easy/fits my schedule. Facilitating my child's call to holiness means recognizing the unique gifts he has been endowed with and helping him develop and expand those talents.  It means helping him to see the possibilities of life without making him choose his path before he has developed the ability to hear God's whisperings. 

Who knew being a parent would be this hard or this rewarding? Looking at parenthood from a stewardship approach can help as we really embrace the role of being stewards of their lives rather than as directors. May you continue to listen to our Lord and serve as an example to your little ones!

How to Make a Catholic Education Affordable

Living in the land of charter schools, our family was faced with many appealing and diverse options for a free education for our children.  Like providing food on the table and shelter for their bodies, Catholic schooling is not cheap.  Tuition, uniforms, school fees - it all adds up and it can be tough for many families. Contrary to the Myth Catholic schools did not surface to take care of the educational needs of the wealthy.  Socio-economic diversity abounds in many Catholic schools because assistance also abounds. Making Catholic education affordable is something that every diocese strives to do and there are plenty of state and local groups who are wiling to help make a Catholic education possible for every child.

State Level

Within Arizona, there exists a Catholic education organization which is a 501c3.  Formerly known as CTDOP it is now just called Catholic Education Arizona.  Couples and individuals can contribute to this organization as part of their tax credit.  The money will not go to a specific student, but rather to the school's tuition fund. Families looking for tuition assistance apply for need based awards through this organization each year.   For more information click here.  Applications open in February and you must submit a FAIR application.

Parish Level

Our parish offers a Parish Scholarship for families registered and active in either our parish or another local parish.  This covers roughly 20 - 30% (or more) of the price of tuition. Our parish also introduced the Stewardship Program some years ago. This program encourages families to increase their commitment to prayer life, service, and tithing. Families enter into a contract with the parish and receive all parish resources (including school tuition) as part of the commitment.  Stewardship families are given full tuition coverage as part of their Parish Scholarship.

Many Catholic schools also offer a tuition reduction for families with multiple kids enrolled.  Our Parish Scholarship offers more assistance for each child enrolled, thus providing a multi-child discount for active Catholic families.

School Level

Beyond the programs in writing, I know most parishes would work very hard to be able to provide a Catholic education for families that desire it. We have a Development Director at our school and she works with each family to find assistance to fit their needs.  Below is a list of national and local School Tuition Organizations (STO's) she provided me to supplement this post!  According to Kelly, STO's "offer parents the opportunity to apply for need based financial aid as well as offering a means for families to establish individual student accounts in which donors recommend that their tax credit go to a particular student". There are over 60 such organization just in Arizona.  Below is a sampling of those organization that are helping students at our school.

Private and Other Help 

AAA Scholarship foundation (click here).  Applications available beginning March 16th.
Arizona 4 Education Scholarship Foundation (click here).
Arizona Private Education Scholarship Fund (click here). Applications accepted starting April 11th.
Arizona Scholarship Fund (click here).
Arizona School Choice Trust (click here). 
Brophy Community Foundation (click here).
Institute for Better Education (click here). Applications accepted until March 18th.
Tuition Organization for Private Schools (click here). Applications available after May1st.
Arizona Leadership Foundation (click here). Applications available late March, early April and due by June 15th.
Arizona Empowerment Scholarship (click here). Application period is January 1- April 1st.

All application dates are for the year 2016

Having school choice has broadened the possibilities for many families.  Some choose to enroll their children at the neighborhood public school, others choose non-traditional public schools, and still others find that homeschooling is the best fit for their families or certain children within the family.  My background in child development and Education has taught me that there is no single 'best' fit for all kids - rather parents should look at the options and children and seek to find the best solution for each family member. I encourage Catholic parents to look at Parochial schools as an option.  It is one that can be affordable and it may just be an answer to your prayers.

Good Luck, God Bless, and thanks for stopping by!

Thanks to Kathryn at TeamWhitaker for linking up with me this Catholic Schools Week.  To read her 7 Reasons Why Catholic School Matters click here!

To read my favorite 5 reasons for sending my kids to a Catholic school click here...

Entering into Lent

My Advent was a total fail.

Seriously.

I think we lit the candles on the Advent Wreath most nights simply because my children have pyromaniatic tendencies, but other than that it was a mess.

I had my surgery (explained here) three days into Advent so I know I have an excuse.  I don't feel particularly guilty about how Advent went, but I am energized now to really embrace Lent. I don't think I have ever been excited about fasting, prayer, and almsgiving.  The post surgery recovery has been filled with 'rest time', eating, drinking sugary coffee drinks, eating more, and binge watching Netflix. I am ready to snap my physical and spiritual world back into shape, but I really don't want to go too crazy with my aspirations and lead with another seasonal fail.

My plan is pretty simple.

Prayer.  

In the morning before I brush my teeth. Even if it is a short and sweet prayer - just something.  I love my Blessed is She devotionals.  They come to my email like magic in the middle of the night so they are often the first thing I look at when I turn on my phone in the morning. They give me the days reading and a short reflection with some question or two to ponder through the day. I am really going to work to make this a serious habit and not just a usual thing. I am also going to the Beauty for Ashes Retreat (signup here!).  It will be wonderful!

Almsgiving.  

I need to do some more serious purging of my home.  Not just getting rid of clutter, but really determining what I do/do not need, and getting rid of nice things that I do not need.  I have a tendency to hold on to things because I like them and only getting rid of stuff that I don't like.  I am going to try to focus on giving away some good stuff that is just excess.

Fasting.  

In the past I have looked for loop holes - pregnant & nursing or illness - anything that would let me get out of fasting guilt free.  Is that horrible to admit? I really don't like fasting but oh my body needs it.  It is crazy to think that the church in all her wisdom knew of the importance for our bodies to spend some time being cleansed of the excesses of life!  So I am actually (gasp) looking forward to fasting on Fridays (and the obligatory Ash Wednesday & Good Friday too).  I am going to try to focus on more simple meals too this 40 days. A dear friend told me wisely that even Cambells Soup for dinner can be an expression of Love - it is better to do it simple & lovingly than extravagantly with tears.

Family Life.

As a family we need to find something charitable to do as well so I am looking into those local options.  We keep a kindness and sacrifice jar on the table during Lent as well and each child makes some personal commitments as to how they want to live their time during Lent.  "Not Yelling" is typically something that makes everyones list.  We trace our hands and then write our commitments on those hands.  They all go up on a paper cross I put up in our hallway.  We then have a visual reminder all 40 days that we are each striving to live out certain commitments. Keeping the focus for the whole 40 days is hard for adults and kids too.  I have some other ideas on what to do in my post from last year (read here).

This year in addition to the handprints and jar,we are going to have a little pre-Lent family talk about virtue and sin.  I was listening to a conversation this week on Catholic Radio's Fighting the Good Fight with Barbara McGuigan.  Her guest (whose name eludes me & I couldn't trace) was discussing the relationship between sin and virtue and brining forth the ideas of St Thomas Aquinas among others.  I loved the way he presented the virtues as a way of battling sin.  He discussed our tendency towards certain evils (maybe pride or anger) and the complement virtue that we can strive for to combat the specific sin.  St. Thomas Aquinas points out that our sins are often hidden from us and therefore made difficult for us to eradicate.  Striving for a virtuous life, rather than focusing on rooting out sin, can therefore act a as a backdoor to combat those specific tendencies we want to reduce or eliminate.

How to Raise a Spiritual Champion: Book Review of Revolutionary Parenting

Revolutionary Parenting is a very digestible book filled with facts and stats on a sect of the population author George Barna calls "Spiritual Champions".  These are adults who were raised Christian, and who not only practice their faith, but live it.  He points out that parents have a bigger influence in the lives of their children than anyone else, and churches alone in fact don't have much influence.  Therefore he set out to examine and report on the specific parenting practices that are associated with raising children who grow to be Spiritual Champions.   In Revolutionary Parenting, he shares the research process, the research itself, and helps parent/readers to identify specific things they can be doing to help raise their children to walk in the light of Christ.

I could not possibly give you the results of his study - the How To list -  as much as I would like too.  When I reviewed 1000 Gifts,  it was pretty easy to give you the short and sweet answer to what you should do to live a more thankful and joy filled life.  Be more thankful.  But it was reading the book however that helps one come to realize HOW they can actually BE more thankful.  Barna's book on the other hand is almost a How To parenting book in a different way. You aren't transformed while reading it.  You are equipped or maybe reminded of the importance of some things you have strayed from.

This is a short (158 pages) book that is densely packed, yet easy to read.  It is practical and grounded in science.  It is well formatted with short chapters that build to the How To List.  Here are some take home points so you aren't feeling deprived.

"…every single Revolutionary Parent we interviewed agreed that the most important focus one their children's training was the development of a godly character (p46)". 

Important ares of parenting on which he expounds…

Parent provided structure with stability and continuity

Letting the church help but not lead

Focusing on character of the developing child

Being flexible and finding what works for individual children

Forming genuine relationships

Influencing friendships

Curfews and discipline

Media use

Parents acting like grown-ups

Absolute truths

A service mindset

Faith as foundational

Love as a Method

Prayer life

Choosing Christ

Trust

Positive family environment

I highly recommend this book. I don't have any sort of a star system, but suffice it to say I read it, I loved it, and it stayed with me.  It was recommended to me by another super-smart-Christian mom who loved it so much she actually BOUGHT me a copy.  If you want your own copy you can use the Amazon link on the left of my page. I will keep it up until my next book review.   Let me close with my favorite quote from Barna.  It gives you a nice flavor of his no nonsense but practical writing.

"Parenting then, is a never-ending process of learning more about God, ourselves, and how we can enhance the quality of the lives He has entrusted to us" (p133).

Part One of the Allowance Debate: NOT paying your kids for chores

One issue that seems to be hotly contested, is the idea behind paying kids for chores, versus just giving them an allowance.  Kids can start doing chores when they are really young.  And really they SHOULD be doing chores when they are little, because then it is just part of the family culture.  You don't have to suddenly ask them to do these horrible thing - work.  Chores are more than just help around the house.  Chores help kids develop self-worth through work.  Whether they are compensated for those chores influence how they relate to money and work as adults.