But Everybody else gets go,
Everybody else gets to play,
Everybody else gets to watch it,
Everybody else has one...
The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.
Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.
There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.
Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO
Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements. We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.
Entitlement and Comparison can lead us (and or our children), to make poor decisions when it comes to time, money, or general behavior. We justify our irrational decisions by reminding ourselves that we deserve it because we worked hard, or we should have it because others do, and we are more deserving that others. Entitlement permeates our thoughts and gives us an excuse to act against our better judgement. It is prideful.
On the other hand, Fear of Missing Out is a form or social anxiety. Unlike entitlement it can be grounded in a lack of confidence or autonomy. Our children fear that their friendships won't survive if they don't go to an event, or they worry will be left out of things socially if they don't have social media, or play a certain online game. We sometimes too worry that when others get together without us, we must have been purposely excluded because we aren't liked. It is hard to convince children that they should not need to play a certain game, have a phone, use a particular app, or watch a certain show in order to fit in.
How do we help our children to see that they should never need to make bad decision in a effort to fit in?
When children are excluded, for what ever reason, they struggle with even greater frustration that we do as adults, because they lack the larger perspective. They don't yet have the life experience necessary to use as context for the evaluations of the situation. Why does my friend have a phone when I can't have one? As a parent, we can look beyond the simple response "every family is different", and see that perhaps this child spends a lot of time away from home, maybe her parents are divorced with joint custody, maybe she spends a lot of time alone - what ever. We don't know the circumstances. Frankly, it isn't our business. But inherently, we know that families are going to make different decisions based on that families needs and values.
And that is our first lesson to teach our children with respect to the Everybody Else is Doing It complaint.
We don't know everything about the situation or circumstances.
Our natural egocentrism causes us to interpret what we see in others as though it were happening (or in this case not happening) to ourself. Help your children to understand that there may be a multitude of reasons why another family chooses to do something. It may be a good fit for that family, but it is not a good fit for our own. I am not suggesting that you get into speculating about the lives of others, but remind them that different families have different needs, just as individuals in our own families have different needs. Help them to see that there may be multiple reasons why a situation is occurring, and it isn't our business to be in other peoples' business.This leads us to the next lesson.
We are all on our own journey, and will be equipped for the journey God intends for us.
Sometimes that process of becoming equipped for the journey means we endure hardships. We may have to go without certain items or experiences, because we are being asked to grow in some virtue. Maybe we miss out because ultimately there is something else in store for us. Maybe it is just not our time yet. And we have to grow in patience, and perseverance. We have to keep making the right decisions for ourselves and our families, even when it is unpopular.Not having the right shoes, or the right video game, or the phone, or whatever leaves children feeling left out. It is a reality. But we all experience loneliness and feelings of being on the outside at some point in our life. We want to help our children grow through the experience, not keep them from dealing with disappointment. We emotionally handicap our children when we don't allow them experience normal disappointment or pain.
When we consistently respond "Yes", in an attempt to curb negative feelings, we take away children's' opportunities to learn to deal with disappointment.
Albert Einstein is attributed with the quote "Adversity introduces a man to himself". We learn a great deal about who we are when our virtue is tested through discouraging events. Are we someone who is going to show resilience or are we going to crumble in frustration. Are we going to persist in our perusal or do we give up? And when we are finally met with certain disappointment, can we move on? How do cope with the real fear or frustration of being left out?
Without such disappointment, we come to believe that we have it all together, our success is because we are brilliant or hard working - it is all about ME. We tend to rely more and more on ourselves, and less and less on the Lord. This leads to self centeredness and the general attitude associated with being spoilt. And this is how we come to the foundation of what we need to continue to teach our children.
We are sons and daughters of Christ.
Our identity and our place in the world as Christians, is not grounded or founded in what we have, or how successful we are in comparison to others. It is grounded in Whose we are. Help your children to find their identity as a son or daughter of God, rather than as a sibling of the masses, striving to fit in, desiring to have and experience the same things that everyone else is. Help them to look inward at the gifts, talents, and experiences that God is putting before them everyday to help shape their very being. Help them to appreciate what they have. Help them to understand more deeply what it is that they seek. Do they really care about the next best thing, or are they seeking and searching for greater opportunities for connection?And that is all I have! If you haven't yet checked out my podcast Parenting Smarts now is a great time. All the episode have a PG rating so you can listen to them with children in the background. They are a great way to help pass the time and gain a little wisdom along the way. Take care and Thanks for stopping by!
