How to Raise Anti-Racist Kids

For Christmas this year, I got Dr. Crystal Fleming’s 2018 book How to be Less Stupid about Race. In it, Fleming writes “living in a racist society socializes us to be stupid about race”.  The main premise of her book, is that the current broader culture, in her words “exposes us all to absurd and harmful ideas that, in turn, help maintain the status quo” p3. When something is part of the mainstream culture, it becomes our normal. Good-hearted people, can then contribute to the pain and suffering of others, without realizing it. With the proliferation of thoughts and ideas, of opinions and emotions, ignorance to the issues of race can no longer be an excuse for perpetuating racism.

Addressing issues of racism from a parenting approach, can be a way to address the culture in our own home- how we look at situations, how and when we discuss things on the news, with whom we socialize and how we interact with others, how we answer difficult questions. In and through our conversations, we can work to change the culture in our homes, and can continue to change our culture as a whole. Change happens on a micro-system level in the 1:1 interactions we have with our children and our friends.

Development of Racism

Racism is a way of thinking about something – it is a thought process that begins with stereotypes, biases, and prejudices based on an oversimplification or a generalization of groups or people.  This starts as soon as we notice differences, because our brains strive for simplification – our brains are going to try to classify, generalize, and oversimplify. We have to combat this because racism, biases and prejudices are inherently evil.

By age two, children recognize physical differences and by age 3 and 4 children start classifying things, including people. Children may start questioning why people have different hair or skin tones, and just like with gender they don’t necessarily see race as salient.  By age 4 children show age preferences – then by age 8, children come to understand racial constancy. And this is really a ripe time to talk about cultural awareness and racial identity.  Obviously as questions come up, we can and should talk about it with younger children as well. We should not shy away from dialogue. There is nothing shameful about talking about race.

From Color Blindness to Color Consciousness

I was raised to think that color blindness was a good thing. Like many children of the 80s, I thought I was progressive in thinking that avoiding the mention of color, (or thinking of myself as not noticing color) was a good thing.

I remember going to hear Cornell West speak maybe 25 ago, and my take away from that talk, was that it was pretty dumb to say you don’t see color – I later read some of his work and remember him writing that we have a “refusal to see a people whose epidermis is most visible”.  We choose not to see the struggle of those around us, and we deny the diversity of experience in an attempt to perpetuate a myth of sameness. We should be judged by the content of the heart and not the color of the skin, but our diversity is one of the things exceptional about our humanity.

I was denying the truth that people of color have a different American experience by very virtue of the color of their skin and patting myself on the back for doing so.

Recent events and conversations with black friends have reminded me of the importance of raising our kids to have color consciousness. Color consciousness is a mindset that recognizes that race is a part of who we are – not all we are and not insignificant either. Because we are not all clones of one another, we need to recognize that different people, and different groups of people, experience life differently.  I want to point out children, and some of us adults too, are naturally egotistical. We have a natural egoism early on because we lack the ability to really take another’s perspective. Our reality is based on that which touches us.

Therefore, we need to raise our children to recognize and respect, and listen to the struggles of others, not just placate or say “well I don’t see it”. Our vision of the world is developed based on our own experiences. It is narrow-minded and egotistical to say that just because you do not experience something, the rest of the world also must be free from those experiences as well.

Maturity should teach us to identify Our Self as an individual that operates within a context.  Two people do not interpret an event or context in exactly the same way. If you have two children, you know this. You can say the same thing to them both, and they will interpret it differently. They can have a fight or experience some event and they will recount that same event differently.

Therefore, just because you don’t experience racism or interpret a situation as racist, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t racist.

If we are going to really help move this country towards both systematic and systemic change in the way people treat one another, and I think that we all agree that people need to be nicer, and kinder, and more loving, we need to recognize that our personal experience may not even be relevant in terms of someone else’s personal experience.

As such we should raise our children to listen to others.

Just because we don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It means you aren’t the target of racism directly, but you could still be perpetuating it. And yes, good-hearted people perpetuate bad things sometimes without realizing it.

The Anti-racist Approach

Which leads me to the second part of the solution – we should raise up our children to be both race conscious, but also anti-racist. Raise them up with the virtue to recognize and stop injustice when they see it, and to listen and seek to understand when it occurs.

It isn’t about politics. It is about being a person of virtue. It is a heart issue. It is a love issue. It is a spiritual issue. It is all about how we see and appreciate and love the diversity in God’s creation of humanity.

The development of race consciousness provides the opportunity to teach that different families do things a little differently, and different communities do things differently, and different groups may interpret events differently based on their history and experience, both now and in the past.  When we can help our children, and maybe really learn ourselves as well, about our history, and the history of various groups in our larger community, it helps us to recognize and interpret current events. How we respond to events, is based on our experience prior to the event, both individually and generationally.

How to do we raise up our kids to be both more aware and more courageous?  How we do help them to see the world through someone else’s eyes and experiences? It really comes down to helping them to grow in awareness, empathy, and perspective taking. But being aware is only good if we can also then let that awareness inform our actions; they must grow in virtue to that they can act when they witness injustice.

Here are five ways you can help them to grow in virtue in such as way as to be help end the evils of racism in our culture.  

1) Teach them to put others first. It is a basic Christian principle. This means putting side our own wants, needs, desires, and interpretations, in order to listen to the needs, wants, desires, and interpretations of others.

2) Don’t sit on your hands because it isn’t your problem. If you aren’t part of the solution you ARE part of the problem. Teach your children to stand up when injustice of any form occurs. If they can’t stand up for the little injustices in the world, how can they stand up to the big ones? There are mini-injustices experienced throughout their day. Help them to be solution oriented in solving these little inequities. If you can’t find your own voice in the little things, you won't be able to stand up for the big things.

We want to raise our children to have the courage to stand up for injustice, and equip them with the words, the inner script, to stand up for the dignity of others. This takes practice. So teach them to stand up for themselves and others. Show them the right way to do this in the little things, and help them develop the courage to handle the big things.

3) Be developmentally aware. We cannot expect too much too early, because perspective taking really doesn’t emerge until early grade school. If you are expecting your 3 year old to know that what they did or said was hurtful, that isn’t really realistic. You need to intentionally teach them. You can begin teaching them at an early age by explaining your feelings clearly “It hurt my feelings when you said that” or “It makes me sad when you and your sister fight”. This seems simple, but it is beginning.

4) Help them to appreciate diversity in our church.  Have images of black saints in your home. Many don’t realize that St. Augustine and his mother St. Monica were born in what is now present day Algeria – and likely were therefore Black African. Sts Perpetua and Felicita were Black, as was St. Maurice, and St Patapios of Thebes, St. Benedict the Black, and more recent saints such as St. Josephine Bakhita and St. Martin de Porres.

Furthermore, we have images of Mary appearing all over the world, and in the likeness of the people to whom she is appearing.  I have a beautiful little statue of Our Lady of Aparecida from Brazil. Marian apparitions are a great way to explore and appreciate diversity.

We are not all the same, but we are all created in the likeness and image of God for a unique purpose. Uniqueness is brilliant. We are different in beautiful ways and each of us is created for a wonderful purpose. Each of us is created in the likeness and image of God, with inherent dignity – and we should celebrate the differences in our creation as well. You wouldn’t tell your two daughters that they are just the same, why tell your daughter she is just the same as her friend.

Which leads me to Number 5

5) Encourage your children to get to know, and have friendships with people who don’t look like them.

This is really important because it can help breakdown the in-group and out-group biases that often lead to racist behavior. In group Out group research shows that when we identify someone as different than us, part of the out-group rather than our in-group, we judge their behavior differently and more harshly, and may even tolerate or take pleasure in those of the out-group being harmed. This is the phenomenon behind social cliques and clique culture.

In-group bias is a real thing that we have to teach our children to fight. It is the tendency to go towards what is comfortable, known, or similar. Some of us (introverts especially) may experience this and we need to be especially aware of it and fight it. I know I need to work to be more welcoming. We are asked by Christ to do the hard thing, not the easy thing.

Encourage your kids to seek friendships with people who are different than they are. Children with different cultures and experiences can be wonderful friends.

Some of you are thinking “well there aren’t any or many black families at our church or school…” If that is the case then seek out new experiences.

·      Join in activities outside that which your social group is doing.  

·      Go to book talks or to hear a speaker. Seek out more diverse experiences yourself.

·      Read books by black authors.

·      Get books with diverse characters to read to your children.

·      Follow more diverse social media accounts, podcasts, or blogs.

·      Pray, and the act according to how you are inspired by the Holy Spirit, and act boldly with courage, because you can have confidence that the Spirit of Truth is directing you.

It is our obligation as parents to help our child to grow morally.  To raise them up in such as way as to cultivate a heart of virtue that will not tolerate injustice, and to see those of a different race as part of our in-group in humanity. Some of you may not want to act because you don’t want to be criticized. You don’t want to be uncomfortable. You don’t want to offend even more. Start with prayer and get direction from the Holy Spirit.  Don’t ignore the issue. We all have our gifts to share and use for His glory. If you want to hear more on this topic,  tune in to my podcast Parenting Smarts Episode 37. The introduction is much of what I covered above, and is followed by a discussion with a friend. You won't want to miss it!

You will be in my prayers and I ask you to pray for me as well.

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