The preschool years are full of fun and excitement, but they can also bring tears and frustration as the child's budding personality, wants, and desires, find themselves in conflict with yours.
One of the biggest struggles with preschoolers is that their growing independence and abilities aren't necessarily paired with an increased desire to follow your rules or requests. Preschoolers get caught up in play and can be curious as they explore their environment more freely. They have strong feelings, but lack the perspective taking abilities to recognize that you have feelings and wants as well. By age three or four, preschoolers become experts at really testing the rules to see if they apply in all situations, every day, as they question if you really mean what you say. But there is hope. Here are 8 tips for navigating the preschool years and helping your child be successful at following your rules and requests.
1) Stay positive and redirect. The old tool of toddlerhood is still effective with many three or four year olds. Rather than saying NO all day, strive to say YES by giving them other options.
2) Use simple explanations for your requests. You don't have to justify your rules or requests, but if you explain them, your child is more likely to remember the rule and may even begin to generalize. Children at this age don't naturally realize that if you say "no jumping on the bed" that actually means "no jumping on the furniture". Explaining why you have the rules helps them to make sense of their world.
3) Be consistent. If you say "No eating on the couch", but let them have popcorn on the couch before bed you are undermining yourself and confusing them. Set specific rules and follow those rules as a family.
4) Look for patterns related to the problems. If you are struggling, look for patterns to the disobedience. Is it primarily when she is tired? If it is related to something specific (putting away toys or backtalk or bedtime drama)? Troubleshoot the specific problem. Maybe she needs a little more guidance or has a little problem you need to work out together. When my oldest son was this age he had a huge problem whenever we went to get his hair cut. He finally confessed he was scared the stylist was going to cut off his ears. If there is a particularly tough situation, dig a little deeper to get to the issue.
5) Offer both a request and a reward. One of my go-to approaches with all ages is to make a request paired with some little thank you. Let me know when you take out the trash and then we can play that card game together. When you are done cleaning your room, we can have lunch. Make sure you finish up your chores before you come to join us swimming. You get the gist. This gives them an objective to work towards after the work is done. It helps them stay focused and motivated until the end.
6) Follow up with simple discipline when rules are broken. Eliminate the drama and give firm follow-up, allowing the consequence to be the punishment, rather than just your complaining. Don't loose your cool. "I asked you to pick up your toys before you turned on the TV and you did not do that. Now you won't be able to watch TV at all, and your toys are going in the box for the next few days". Keep it as simple as possible.
7) Recognize that testing your rules is her job right now. Your job is to help her understand those rules and respect your authority. Expect her to test, and prepare yourself with your reaction plan.
8) Shower her with more attention. When we experience conflict in a relationship, sometimes an extra dose of affection can move us in the right direction. Your child needs to know that your love is not tied to her behavior. She was created by God to love and be loved. When children are secure in their love, they respond better to the feedback, guidance, and discipline.
The preschool years are rough in many ways. Hopefully these tips will help you switch your approach and give you the confidence you need to proceed at the task of raising your child to have respect for you, your rules, and your requests. God's blessing on you and your family through these difficult times and situations.
If you want more on discipline or obedience at any age, check out episodes 24 and 34 of the podcast where I expand on both of these topics.
Thanks for stopping by!
