What Your Kids Wished You Knew About Gaming

The World Health Organization just declared that video game addiction is an actual mental disorder,  leading all the talking heads to pontificate about video games. Of course many of those talking about the issue, and calling into the shows, and writing the reports don't actually have children with video games, they don't allow their teens to have cell phones, and they are years removed from the rapidly changing culture in which our children are growing.  Yes, video games are addictive. I am not going to argue that here. My problem is the public outcry for responsible parents to ban video games, and the lack of an educated discussion among and with parents who actually have gaming systems in their homes.

I hate video games. Let me just get that way out in the open. I have not-so-fond memories of spending hours on my boyfriend's couch watching him try to beat another level of Sonic the Hedgehog. Good Grief.  No, I didn't marry him.

That said, we have two gaming systems in our home, I can tell you where the 3 closest GameStop stores are, and my eldest son is determined that when he is of age he will get a job at one of them. 

We have allowed video games into our home. We do not think they are inherently evil.  We recognize that there are some social and maybe even emotional benefits to having them around. 

Video games are different now. Most adults focus on how realistic the games are, or the action and blood and gore. In reality the biggest difference between now and then, is how they are played. Most systems now allow for only one player on one unit at one time. That means that the only way kids can play with their friends is by connecting on-line, or by bringing over your whole playstation and TV to set up at your friends house. My two boys therefore can only play the same game while sitting in different rooms. If they plan on playing with friends on a Saturday night they won't all get together at one boy's home to play - they will all connect online. They will talk to each other through the headsets, sneak up on one another on the screen, play jokes on each other, laugh and harass just like boys do. But they do this all on-line. They put together strikes and assign roles and carry out elaborate missions all from their own bedrooms. When they mess up they apologize, they harass again, they tease and laugh and they move on. The video games are ways to just hang out. My son can have his gaming unit turned on and he can be playing one game, while talking to a friend through the headset who is playing another game. Video games are in some ways the neighborhood park of yesteryear. People who say "just don't let the play online don't understand". 

Some of you may be lamenting the days when boys used to wander the neighborhood tipping over trash cans and playing stickball in the park. Okay. I get it. That sounds great. But it isn't today's reality. Boys who are not connected online with the video games miss out on a opportunity to bond with their friends in some neat ways, and not just throughout the action of the games, but through the time spent just chatting. In a world where teens are increasingly loosing the art of verbal communication, I see the headset banter and chatting as a real opportunity for my sons to continue to develop some of those skills that are harder to come by in an "I will just text him" culture. 

But what about this link between depression and gaming. There have been some reports of the association between depression and gaming. Gaming can help children who struggle with feelings of powerlessness and have an external locus of control. Jr. high children almost universally struggle with the self-regulation of feelings. It is one thing that makes them so enduring and so difficult. The emotional highs and low and confusion over feelings can be overwhelming for parent and child alike. When kids are down for NO reason, playing a round of video games can give them a boost. It gives them an opportunity to be successful and work towards mastering a skill while doing something that they really like. Much in the way that sitting down to practice and then master a piece of sheet music, or practice a physical skill towards mastery. But the successes come faster and it can be done rain or shine. When children are faced with serious depression, rather than just moody blues, they need to seek help. 

In small doses, with clear guidelines for usage, video games can be a tool to help children navigate some of the hormonal lows and social awkwardness of the middle school and junior high years.

But what about the addiction stuff? Yes, video games can be addictive. Some games are actually created so that you can not stop the "raid" until it is over (and there are no time indicators), or you will be penalized and be unable to go on missions of that type in the future. Some video games give you extra points if you check into the game frequently. Some have new down loads each week to keep you interested and active. Yes, they can be addictive and they are designed to keep people playing. Guess what else can be addictive? 

Jigsaw puzzles. 

Netflix. 

Legos.  

A really good novel. 

Chocolate. 

Soccer.

Television.

And these are just the addictions we struggle with in our home.  My oldest son spent his preschool years obsessed with pirates. He had a pirate birthday party three years in a row. One of my daughters is currently obsessed with Horses.  I think one of my sons may still be secretly obsessed with ninjas. 

We live in a world filled with fabulous things and Yes, we battle with our boys over their video game usage and screen time. We have tried a variety of strategies that work at various ages to various degrees. Now they are learning to monitor their own video game usage with our guidance, and we are battling with the over binge-watching dumb shows on Netflix. There will always be some battle - That is just parenting.

It is our job to take those battles on and help our children to grow. Kids need boundaries to help them grow in self-control, and parents need to move those boundaries based on the children's growing competencies. We have had success in the past with a M-Th ban on electronics. We have been able to lift that now because the boys have shown self control with their usage, and because they are less apt to binge on the weekend when they can have little snippets of gaming during the week. We instituted the no-more-than-2 hours-screen time rule each day for many years in our home and have that rule with our younger children as well. We have a A/B only rule for grades and lower than a B leads to no screen time at all. All chores and homework has to be done before anything goes on. 

Now we are intentionally trying to help our older children work towards self-master their usage of screen time, while still being sticklers with the little ones. Some days we do well other days we do not. We had a rough spell when all the boys wanted to do was play video games (or soccer - always soccer) and we got through that. Luckily my children have a lot interests, they just sometimes need to be encouraged to pursue those other interests as well. 

You need to find what works and then adjust as your children grow in age and competency. The rules may be different for the 15 year old than they are for the 5 year old and that is not just okay - that is great. The reality is that children are going to grow into adults who are surrounded by technology. My job as a parent is to protect them yes, but also to help them grown in competencies. Banning video games from my home will not achieve that goal. Helping them to self-regulate, the self-monitor their time, to have a variety of interests, and to have healthy social relationships, those are all things that will help them to grow into competent individuals. 

Lessons on Love

 I had lunch with my boys recently. They are 11 and 14. Anytime I want to really talk with them I find it is best to get them away from any screens and put food in their hands. Kids are always happier with full tummies. Me too actually.

As we noshed on our burgers and fries, I explained in very few words the concept of Love Languages (Read the 5 Love Languages by GaryChapman!). I asked them which love language they thought they most related too. My oldest is an Acts of Service guy and my second born communicates love through Physical Touch. We talked about how this played out in our house.

For instance, with my oldest, I can always tell when he isn’t feeling the love, or wanting to share the love because his chores start sliding. I know it is more important for me to do things like bring him a forgotten lunch or help him get ready for soccer than it is with the other kids. It is more important for my second born to get his hugs, his good night tuck in, a little tickle time or even some help just clipping his nails.  He doesn’t ask for help with things like filling his water jug or making his lunch, but loves sitting on the couch with me while I scratch his head.

After talking about the two boys themselves, we decoded the other members of the family, and tried to pin down their love languages. We have one Quality Time and possibly another Acts of Service (she is pretty young so time will tell). They pegged their dad correctly but were stumped with me. But that makes sense.  When you are aware of someone’s love language it allows you to communicate with them based on their language.  So if I am communicating with them in their language, each child in my family should think I am just like them.  Ironically I am a Words of Affirmation kind of gal so I am not matched with anyone!

We also discussed the need to be aware of their friends and future spouses love languages.  Can you imagine dating someone who was expecting gifts when you were an Acts of Service communicator? I asked them what they think it would be like in our home if I was a Receiving Gifts communicator (given that their dad is an Acts of Service).  They laughed and said he would be ranting all the time “I work so hard to provide for this family and you keep spending all the money on these gifts we don’t need!”. So true!

I want my sons to be able to identify their sibling's and parent's and friend's love languages. As the mom, it is less important that they communicate with me in my own love language. I need to be the one who is poly-lingual, and slowly help them develop the skill as well. It is my job to help them develop the ability to give and receive love – in all its forms - and recognizing love as it is presented is key.

If you’ve never read the book, next time you are over at Amazon (or in an old fashioned books store), grab it. It is a fast and easy read and it can really inform the way you interact with your loved ones. Then open the discussion with them and keep it going. Doing so will foster a culture of love in your home.

Thanks for stopping by!

Villainous Vegas Vacation

I recently spent a long weekend in Las Vegas, on The Strip, with my 12 year-old son.  This was not my first (or second or third) choice of venue, but we were traveling with his team for a soccer tournament.  After Facebooking (can I make that a verb?) my awesome Blessed is She sisters in the Southwest Region, I had enough tips for the trip to feel adequately equipped to deal with our trip to Sin City.  Las Vegas is a beautiful place surrounded by snow tipped mountains and blue sky.  The Strip was less beautiful and provided the backdrop for a lesson on the various dangers of gambling, lust, greed, gluttony and general hedonism. Places like Las Vegas prey on the weak.  They provide the invitation to sin, not just normalizing but encouraging immoral behavior.  Think of their slogan “What happens in Vegas stay is Vegas” - it is a statement of permission that normal rules (and morality) should be suspended. Although surroundings can encourage and facilitate sinful behavior, the evil driving our own sin comes from within each of us. 

In the book of Mark (7:23), Jesus instructs us that evil comes from within, not from outside.  

“But what comes out of the man, that is what defiles him.

From within the man, from his heart,

come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder,

adultery, greed, malice, deceit,

licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly.

All these evils come from within and they defile.”

Places and situations are not responsible for our sins – WE are. WE make the choices to engage in the sinful behavior that is harmful to our souls.  If we can accept that we are personally responsible for the choices we make, and that the evil comes from within, not outside, then we are intellectually and emotionally better equip for battling that evil. 

Surrounding ourselves with people and situations that will help us in our battles against sin is helpful and prudent, but it is not the only way to deal with the evil within.

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last

The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  

I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  

You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?