Popes and Padawans: Good & Evil in Star Wars

Photo credit: Doug Walters

The unveiling of the most recent Star Wars film The Force Awakens has fans flooding the box office with high hopes as the next generation of Jedis is unveiled. It was almost universally praised, until Vatican writer Romano came out with a less than favorable review in L'Osservatore.  The Pope doesn't watch movies, and the words of Vatican writer Romano are not the official teachinsg of the church, but Romano brings up a great point regarding the antagonists in the film.  Romano argues there is a lack of evil in the two antagonists -  Snoke AKA The Supereme Being, and Kylo.  With increased frequency, modern cinema is blurring the lines between the good and bad, and to the detriment of the films they produce.
This said, I don't agree that the antagonists in The Force Unleashed lack evil, rather I think they lack both power and effectiveness, and I think that will change in the next two films.

Years ago, a priest was asked about the wisdom involved in allowing young children to view superhero films. His response was that as long as the bad characters were clearly bad, and the good characters were clearly good, the films generally were fine. It was good for children to have heroes - characters who exemplified in a large way what it means to be filled with the virtues we want our children to develop - Patience, Kindness, Self-control, Goodness, Love - to mention a few.  Similarly, it was good for them to have characters that exemplified the embodiment of evil, and the destruction that comes from such evil. Characters can be complex and still be either purely good or purely evil.

Anakan Skywalker in particular struggled with Self-Control and Patience, and it led to his downfall.  Luke Skywalker on the other hand, struggled with Patience, but was able to overcome it.  Luke was filled with a Goodness and a sacrificial love and by Return of the Jedi was not only an admirable character, but also rather effective.  Although Luke too, lacked individual power in A New Hope, he was surrounded by Han Solo, Leia, Obi-wan, Yoda and a host of other really good guys who wanted to do good, and who were powerful together. The new Jedi, Rey, is filled with the Light side. Devoid of any official training she can fight, pilot anything, resist the Sith mind tricks, pull her own Jedi-mind tricks on her guard, use the force to move objects, and defeat the Sith in a lightsaber battle.  She is amazing.  She is also filled with Goodness, Hope, Peace, and Self-Control. We even see a little Joy in her when Han asks her to join his crew. She is awesome. Like Luke she is surrounded by self-less (although not perfect) characters who are willing to sacrifice for Love and the Goodness.

Up until The Force Awakens, the Antagonists in the franchise - Darth Maul, Darth Sidious/The Emperor, Count Dooku - were great examples of evil embodied. They were not complex, but rather exemplified the banality of evil and it's totality, devoid of motivation. They hungered for power, but also hungered to corrupt others. Darth Vader was a little more complex, but his path to the Dark Side in Episode 3 provided a great illustration of how a character's willingness to give into his desires above the greater good, will lead to his corruption and open him up to the corrosive nature of the evil that surrounds him.

Evil is different than simply making poor choices, but poor choices separates the individual from God.  No one is beyond saving, but when one completely gives into evil, he removes himself from God's saving graces. We see this in Kylo Ren's standoff with his father, which is a juxtaposition of the standoff between Luke and Darth Vader at the end of Episode 6. Kylo Ren is offered an opportunity for redemption and he chooses against it, surrendering to the Dark Side, and further exemplifying the evil within.

With the old Emperor gone, the new franchise presents three prime antagonists - a Nazi like General Hux, Kylo Ren, and Snoke. The problem with these three characters is their lack of power, not their lack of evil. Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren is explosive and immature. He spends time lamenting and 'praying' to Darth Vader's mask for the power to stay on the Dark Side, as he recognizes the pull of the Light. He is also somewhat ineffectual as he is bested by Rey, an untrained young female who is filled with the force. He certainly is not of the same caliber as his predecessors.

Snoke, is the Supreme Leader of the First order and is only presented as a computer generated image.  He is a little goofy looking and we are provided with no sense of his power or ability, expect that we know he is the boss. The other characters do not appear to fear him in the way the emperor was feared. At the end of the film, Snoke notes that Kylo needs to continue his training (you think?), and we are left with the impression that the next Episode will feature a much stronger Kylo.

And I do hope that it does. In this one way, the franchise can improve over this film. Having characters who are purely good and purely evil helps our our next generation of young padawan viewers to see the true nature of good and evil. Having powerful characters makes the distinction between the good and evil all that more prominent.

Thanks for stopping by!

Christmas Letter 2015

I am addicted to Christmas Letters. 

Seriously, folks I have a problem. Writing a Christmas letter wasn’t even on my mind, until I got my first card this week. And I just couldn’t resist. I love Christmas cards; I love savoring the news that each Christmas letter brings. I love all your little faces scrubbed bright for the camera. Yes, we all have Facebook and Instagram, but I really do love the tradition of writing the letters & sealing the cards.  That said…here is my little news update for you all.

Loosing my Fertility and Looking Beyond Babies

A few months back I wrote a post (here) about fertility and the possibility that I may be loosing mine. It was mostly a rambling post to process the possibility that I may be done with my childbearing years.  Today I am re-reading that post and ministering to myself as I come to terms with that possibility being a reality.  Turns out the specialist I saw has found the sources (three!) of my problems and they are all able to be remedied by a hysterectomy and some other surgical stuff at that same time.

The hysterectomy is the big think though - that is where they remove your uterus.  Your womb.  The home were my 5 babies grew and one baby's heart stopped beating. Ugh.

They are going to take the uterus and leave the ovaries so that I will hormonally still be mostly the same, I just obviously won't have a menstrual cycle or the possibility of having kids naturally.  I will still go through menopause (and get those lovely hot flashes) at the normal time, but I won't obviously loose any cycle then because I am loosing it with the surgery.

Cognitively... I am okay with all this.  I have four beautiful children to wake up to every morning. I have had 5 pregnancies and 4 C-sections. I have a medical solution to my pain and soon I will be pain free and able to really live again like a healthy person. It will mean 2-5 nights in the hospital and 4-6 weeks to heal so that isn't so bad.

Emotionally I am still not OK.  Not at all.  I keep asking myself why do I have such a heavy heart?

Emotionally I am filled with such sadness. The slow down in my blogging is a reflection of the darkness that is settling over me. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I want to escape. I don't want to think about it and I don't want to write about it. I really just want to sit in my room with a good book and forget about everything around me.  Cheerful right? This blog post itself has taken over a month to write.

Accepting the reality that I won't have any more kids is a shock to my system and I can't help but think of those women who DON'T have a full house already.  So first and foremost I am sad for others.  Just having a little glimmer of what it must be like, makes my heart feel like it is breaking - not for me but for them.  I can't possibly know what that feels like to have empty arms and to know that your body isn't working in accordance with your will.  I feel a bit betrayed by my body and really, in all honesty, that uterus has served me very well.  It was quite irritable during pregnancies but it didn't fail me.

There is a larger part for me however, that sees my sadness is tied up with a sort of confusion.  As a Catholic woman being open to life is part of who I am.  Even though my husband and I weren't planning on more kids, we certainly weren't closing any doors if you know what I mean.  We have had our own struggles with NFP (which I wrote about here), but have generally embraced it since my conversion. For us, "being open to life" has always been inextricably linked to having kids and practicing NFP. And now it isn't.

Making Your Home Your Own

I stopped cooking dinner and baking for the church bake sale to write this post.  I write in my head regularly, but rarely stop what I am doing to write things down.  I made an exception tonight. The boys are playing, Gracie is at a friends, Anna is taking a contraband nap, and my husband is fixing stuff.  In the rare quiet, I turned on some music (Audrey Assad if you must know) and I just took a deep breath.  Her voice makes my heart smile and warms my soul. I can manage most anything if I can have some good music. If fills the house with a peace and calm.

Before I got married I had visions of what my life would be.  Pretty unrealistic of course.  Then came the ring, the puppy, the kids and the home.  Over the last 15 years I have slowly made our house(s) home, not just for our kids, but also for my husband.  I fold his shirts the way his mother used to 'because they fit better in the drawer" and try to make sure I have some of his and the kids favorite foods and drinks. But as another birthday passes for me, and as we get into the thick of another school year and soccer season, I am finding it more important than ever for me to make our house a home for ME too.  I am not just a bystander in this family - I am purposefully knitting together lives within the walls of this home.

As I look at the house my husband and I are making into a home, we want it to be a place of love and security and comfort.  We want it to be a place where each of us feels at peace.  In striving to make that for others however, we need to make sure we add those touches for ourselves too.  Some women excel at this, others spend their energy meeting the endless demands of others without taking the time to just put on that favorite playlist, light that favorite candle, or slip into those comfy pants.

Having a home is so much more than just the look, although that is a huge part for me. Our homes are a reflection of who were are and the difference between a house and home has to do with personal identity and comfort.  Having a home means providing a space that gives comfort where the senses are touched in a personal way.  The physical feel of the home - the softness of the furniture, the air temperature, the sheets  -those all awaken the tactile sense.  The look and placement of things. Is it cluttered or tidy? Do you like a lot of visual stimulation or are you a minimalist? Do you like what you see?  The smell of fresh laundry or food simmering in the kitchen, or of that special candle that you just can't live without.  And sound! For me it is special music, for others it may be the sound of the kids playing or the TV playing in the background. And lastly, taste.  Food is a staple for almost any social interaction. The table brings us together as we share our meals and the details of the day. Good food relaxes and comforts.

Is there something that you can do to make your house more 'yours'?  Maybe it is taking a break from your demands to light a candle and say a prayer.  Maybe it means turning on a favorite movie while you fold the laundry or listening to a great podcast while you sort the mail. Maybe it means making a splurge on flowers (my weakness!) or some good sheets for your own bed this time.  Let's get comfortable in our own homes!

Thanks for stopping by!

Why I am okay with my husband not bringing me flowers

Early into my courtship with the young man who would become my husband, I was told three things.

First, he would never get me anything from a "list".  He hated the idea of giving a predictable gift. 

Second, he would be a work-a-holic like his dad. He planned on working as many hours as possible and successful in his career.

Lastly, he wouldn't buy me flowers on Valentine's day.  They raised the prices so much on that day it was just a rip off.

None of my husband's predictions turned out to be true (Praise God!!), but they did set my expectations.  He was a romantic at heart (see number one), but practical at the same time (see number three).  As it turns out, the only two days I ever (and still only rarely) get flowers is on Valentine's Day and our Anniversary.  Maybe Mother's Day if he is also ordering them for his Mother and Grandmother.  And I am really okay with that.  

After a few years of marriage, I realized (among other things) that if I wanted flowers, I was going to have to make it really obvious.  Being passive aggressive, I devised a strategy of

The Happiest Parents Have A lot of Kids!

Or at least that is what the popular press is reporting.  I was shocked that they were covering it at all, but not so surprised that they got the results just a little wrong.

As a mother of four, I was thrilled to hear about Dr. Harman's findings out of Australia's Edith Cowan University. Often when the news reports research in my field, I go straight to the source and have a little chat with the study author. It is a perk of having the letters P H and D after my name. Dr. Harman sent me copy of the actual study summary and we went back a forth a few times about the research.  Although she said the results being reported are a little misleading, it appears as though we do have evidence that of "the more the merrier" really is mostly true but maybe not in the way you think.

Dr. Harman conducted a 5 year research study with the goal to explore the relationship between resilience, social support, self-esteem and life-satisfaction in parents, (source). Dr. Harman found that mothers of four or more children were the happiest group of the various family types. She did not however find that mothers of four or more were happier than mothers of say two children, or less happy than mothers with eight kids, because she didn't compare family size, but rather family type.  Dr Harman writes in her summary discussion

Overall, mothers of large families with higher self esteem were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. One interpretation of these results is that mothers of large families feel supported (older children helping younger children, for example), but may lose their sense of self.

Dr. Harman said that mothers of larger families overall had higher self-esteem.  They basically feel like they are doing a pretty good job and are well supported. They also were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. She speculated that they may loose their sense of self in the process - she didn't measure that quantitatively, but collected some qualitative data that directed her to that conclusion. But that loss of self is still associated with greater life satisfaction so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about having to drive the dreaded mini-van (for more on that click here).

The next great question is of course

"Why do lots of kids correlate with greater life satisfaction?"

Dr. Harman was sited in The Sydney Herald in August (2015) as stating "The parents usually say they always wanted a large family, it was planned that way, and it was a lifestyle they'd chosen".  So are these parents who choose this lifestyle just a different 'type' of people?

Yes, actually. That seems to be at the crux of this study comparing family types.

As a mother of four myself, and friend to many mothers of four or more children, I can say as a lay person that parents like those in the study who have been purposeful in having a larger family are likely couples who have chosen to take an optimistic and hopeful approach to parenting. I am not speaking of research here, but rather experience when I say that these types of parents tend to able to embrace the beauty and joy of parenthood and delight in their little ones. When discerning whether or not my husband and I felt our family was "full" with just the three, my mother pointed to my (then) 2, 5 and 7 year olds and said she could think of 3 reasons why we should have more kids... Gracie, JR, and Anthony.

Parents who choose large families, don't let fear prevent them from loving another child.  They love with reckless abandonment and choose to leave a family legacy not of human 'replacement' or social reproduction, but of human expansion.  

I recently got caught up reading about the War of the Roses in England.  Truth be told, I was reading historical fiction (not real history), but one thing that struck me in the novels was the love and appreciation that people used to have for large families. Large families were the ideal and each child was embraced as a blessing. There are many social reasons for this of course, but I found such comfort in that attitude which permeated the (then) Catholic society, whereas I find the current cultural (secular) attitude to be isolating. In present American society, the stereotype is that couples with many off-spring either don't know how babies are made, or they are too ignorant to stop it, or they are socially and financially irresponsible. A couple couldn't possible want more than just a few of these little people, right? Children are not seen as a gift, or a blessing, or something to cherish. They are approached as one more thing on a checklist of lifetime achievements and something to accept in moderation.

College (check), job (check), spouse (check), house (check), 

kid one (check), kid two (check), vasectomy (check).

Large families are more chaotic, but that chaos doesn't descend overnight. We grow into the noise and the chaos. We start with one (or maybe more) at a time and slowly re-adjust our family life, then we add another and re-adjust, and then make room for another, and another. Good parenting is about adjusting and shifting as our children grow and mature.  In our adjusting and shifting we too grow.  Growth is constant when you have a larger family and living a little off balanced allows us to turn to one another and to God with great regularity, often resulting in a closer knit family.

Large families require both parents to be completely committed to the family. In order for large families to really function you have to have both parents really involved. Although the division of responsibility can still be fairly traditional in many of these families, large families require that dads participate in the daily raising of the kids, even if that role is as mom's cheerleader. All of the children learn how to pitch in and help out, because just one person can not possibly do it all.

This study is great evidence of something that those of us with large families have known all along. Having large families is great for our mental and spiritual health. Yes it is messy. Yes it is crazy. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to loose ourselves in the service of others, but all parenting is messy and crazy and hard. There is no shame in loosing a little of ourselves to make room for more love. The love that we share in a family grows exponentially with each child we welcome into our home. And with love comes happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. There is so much to say on the topic and space here was limited.  I hope this research sparks conversation and as always, thanks for stopping by!

For more on raising multiple kids check out this post (click here).

How To Teach Your Child to Read - The Beginners Guide

The internet is filled with pages of people offering parents advice on how to best teach their children to read.  They offer endless items to purchase so that you can truly be prepared to give your child a life-long love of learning... with this item or that... all for the low low price...

I am reminded of the horrible Baby Einstein videos that had mothers hooked years ago with promises of making their babies smarter. According to decades of research, plopping your infant in front of the TV is the exact opposite of what you should do. Similarly, the research on kids emerging literacy doesn't support any of those "tools" or videos or video games or workbooks. In reality is, if you want to help your children learn to read, or better yet develop a life-long love of books, there are only a few things you have to do and they don't involve buying a single thing. Pair these 3 tips to teach you child to read with the 3 tips to develop a love of reading and you have yourself a life-long lover of books.

3 Tips to Teach Them to Read

1. Teach them that each letter has a sound & teach them the sound each of the letters makes. They need to understand that each letter represents a sound.

2. Teach them the blending sounds, for instance 'sh' 'th'  'bl' 'st'.

3. Read to them aloud and have them follow along to see you put this blending into action. Have them practice sounding out the words with you once they have the first two steps down.

3 Tips to Develop a Love of Reading

1.  Read to yourself.  Get a good book, put your feet up, and dive in.  Seriously.  Modeling reading is the most important thing you can do.  Kids need to see that books are worth YOUR time.  They need to see that you find value in the written word.  They will model your behavior so do you want them playing on a phone or iPad or reading a book?

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last

The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  

I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  

You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?

Letting Go So that You Can Grow

As I knelt in the pew and tucked my chin to pray I stole a peek at the little form curled up on the floor. Her head resting on the kneeler, her blanket draped casually over her little shoulders.  She looked up and gave me a pacifier masked smile. And I breathed in God and His peace.  This is my space. This is where I connect with Him.

Getting up to go to Mass is tough.  Going to Mass with an energetic preschooler is even tougher.    There are bathroom needs and drink needs and it is just so hard to sit still.  I saw one friend pull her 3-year old off the choir bannister this week after the little girl had shimmied her way about 1/2 way down towards the altar.  When I was many months pregnant with JR, Anthony got away from me and darted down the center isle during the consecration.  I stayed in the back terrified he was going to go straight up those altar steps. He rounded the altar and ran back up the side aisle into my shaking arms.  I was so furious and so embarrassed!  The priest wasn't troubled in the least.

As a newish mom, I was worried about doing everything right in the eyes of others. I was the first one in our family to have kids (on both sides) and I was very aware of the watchful but silent judgment of others. I didn't want my kids having pacifiers outside of their beds & certainly not as they grew into preschoolers.  I didn't want my kids eating in Mass - Mass was for worship not snack.  I didn't want my kids bringing toys or turning their backs to the altar even it if was so that they could lean into me and get a little closer.  Now as look at my little love curled up quietly, I rejoice that I don't care so much about the judgements of others.  I don't care if people think my daughter should be kneeling next to me, if people think she should leave her blanket in the crib, I don't care if they think she shouldn't have her bag of cereal or her water bottle - I am there for God, not for the person next to me or behind me or in front of me.  Anna is quiet and comfortable, and I am able to rest in the presence of our Lord.  That is pretty amazing.

Letting go of the judgmental thoughts I have of myself, and those that I speculate others may hold, gives me an opportunity to change my focus away from what my daughter is or is not doing, to focus on the cross.  Every thought about how others perceive me is a wasted thought that could be spent on Him.

I have been blessed with a few kids who like daily Mass. It is quiet, it is cool, it is peaceful. Once the older kids tumble out of the car we have a chance to take a deep breath.  If Anna isn't going to preschool herself, she often asks to go into the church for Mass.  I think she asks because of the peace.  It may have to do with the lollipop she gets after Mass, but I also think it is because she is comfortable there.  She can sit with her 'lovies' and just relax while I pray.  After shouting and tears and spilt coffee and forgotten lunch boxes it is a luxury for us both to just be at peace in God's presence for a few minutes before we really start our day again together.

The time will come when she will be required to full participate in the Mass.  Daily Mass is in some ways easier (it is shorter) and in other ways harder (it is quiet!).  Daily Mass is a stripped down Mass and a perfect training Mass as she learns to be still.  In Sunday Mass we require a little more of her but she has siblings setting an example of how she is to behave.  What she is learning in daily Mass is that Mommy needs Mass.  Mommy needs God's word.  Mommy needs prayer time.  Mommy needs the Eucharist.  She can color or lay on the pew or curl up on the floor - as long as she lets me connect with the Lord at His table.

Next time you find yourself wanting to do to Mass and thinking it is too hard with a little one (or 3!), give yourself a break.  Loosen up your rules and let go of your own judgements about how kids have to behave.  Let your little one bring a book or crayons or dolls or a cookie- what ever it takes so that you can sit with God, even if it is for just part of the service. At the end of the week, you want their Mass memories to be positive (or at least neutral). You need to be able to relax connect in order to make the most of it too.

So relax, let go of the fear and self-judging, and let yourself grow closer to God.

Thanks for stopping by!

Potty-Training Tips from the Trenches

Once, when standing in line at Costco, Anthony told me "I have to go".  I had just loaded a carts-worth of food onto the conveyor belt.  The checker did not yet have my card. There were people behind me and he was an arms reach away blocked in by a cart in the front and one behind. We didn't have many options at that very moment. And then he made it really clear he HAD TO GO... and he left a trail of pee while I ran with him (still in the cart drawing attention to us with those noisy wheels) all the way from the check-out to the bathroom.

Potty-training is a trying time, a physically exhausting time, a time when you have to scratch your plans, your schedule, your other duties, to wash undies and change sheets and clean floors.  But if you do it when you are mentally and physically prepared to take on the challenge, you can do it faster and in a less complicated way. Here are five tips from the trenches to help it go more smoothly with less tears from everyone.

1. Intentionality.  Being intentional is the first key to a quick potty training experience. Push the fluids, fill their bladders, give them lots of watermelon to eat - whatever.  The more chances they have in the day to pee the better likely they are to succeed.

2. Dress for success.  Well, really undress for success.  Don't make things complicated.  If you have a little girl, give her a little sundress to wear and skip the undies (while at home) for a little while. If weather permits, let them run around in the back yard without bottoms for a while.  For that first day they may not even realize that they are peeing. Once they realize how their bodies work, they will be better able to make it to the potty in time.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation: Double-Dating in England

The kids are back in school (phew) and I have a moment to breathe in the serenity of a quiet (for now) home.  The last time I felt this relaxed was- oh, just a few weeks ago.  I had to look through my old posts to confirm the unbelievable - I hadn't yet blogged about the greatest, most fantastic part of my summer.  My instagram peeps got to see the best of the photos but now I realize that I never actually wrote a record of it.  So here goes...


What I did on my summer vacation…





A few years back, my friend and her husband hatched a great plan for a dual-family vacation.  We were going to do something EPIC for our husbands 40th birthday and go to Europe.  All 6 of us and 10 of them.  It was going to be crazy - rent a villa, invite some more friends, and just hang out in the south of France or somewhere equally cool for a few weeks.

We got passports for all the kids.

We looked at amazing places to rent.

We looked at plane tickets.

Then we booked a place in California.

It turned out to be a wonderful vacation, but it certainly wasn't the European Get-Away of our dreams.

Fast-forward to spring, and these same friends are at it again talking this time about a couples trip to England.  Now England is one of my favorite places. I love

Doing it Wrong: Back to school basics for the rest of us

I know I am doing it wrong... but as I sit in the morning stillness with my coffee on the stand beside me and the sound of the clicking of the computer keys I can't help myself.  JR, Gracie, and Anna are all snoozing peacefully in their beds.  Anthony left for a good 20 minutes ago.  Long enough for me to brew some coffee, eat a quiet breakfast, and check in with the morning news.

I know that I should be getting the kids up early today, but the thought is abhorrent to me.  Tomorrow at this time, they will all be scrubbed fresh, smelling of toothpaste or maple syrup, dressed in their blue shorts and blue shirts, hair still damp from their attempts to make it lay just right.  We will pile in the car and kick of their next school year.

But today I just want quiet.  I want them to sleep. I want them to relax. And yes, I want to relax too.  Just one more day before the craziness of two school drop off and pick up, gymnastics, piano, soccer, soccer and more soccer.

If I were asked the question "how should parents prepare their kids to go back to school?" the answer you get would be very different from what I am actually doing.

Bedtimes
The best way to prepare kids to go back to school is by helping them reset their personal sleep clocks. Kids need to have regularity in their lives and setting their sleep schedules is the best way to regulate other stuff naturally.  Regular bedtimes are touted as the key to getting kids up and off to school bright-eyed and ready to learn.  If you are like many homes and have loosed the bed-time for your kiddos in the summer months, moving back towards their normal bedtime in small increments can be helpful.  Putting your kids to bed 20-30 minutes earlier every few days can gently ease them back into a place where they are prepared to go to be at 8 or 9 and wake up ready for their school day.

Boy's Adventure Race

A few months ago, before school got out and the heat set in, Anthony was invited to a Boy's Adventure Race.  Adventure is something that we seem to be lacking in our family.  Growing up we had a healthy dose of it.  My family's our chosen summer vacation each year was Lake Powell. We would spend hours swimming, hiking, exploring the canyons and generally just relaxing in God's Big Playground.  We didn't do this in an opulent houseboat.  We camped on the beach, got sand in everything, hunkered down and held onto the tentpoles in the monsoon storms, and watched the waves and weather before heading out in my dad's little boat.  They were character-building experiences. When we weren't at the lake, we were camping at remote spots in the woods - replete with bears and snakes and spiders oh my. The beauty of His world and the danger posed by nature were two realities that was clearly evident my early years whenever we would venture out. 

This is not something that my kids have experienced much.  I married an amazing man who is not fond of the outdoors.  We don't own a cooking stove, although I think we probably have a tent somewhere in the garage. Sharing a sense of adventure with my kids therefore has been a bit more of a challenge, particularly since I would rather sleep on a bed of feathers than a bed of pine needles.  I have taken the kids camping a few times with my family, and they boys went with my brother this summer, but other than that they have been a bit lacking in the adventure department. So when I got the invitation for Evan to join a friend's team I responded yes without even asking him.

Surviving your child's puberty without becoming an alcoholic

Hello. My name is Dr Mom and I am the mother of a man-child.

I really think there should be a support group for mothers of pubescent children.  And maybe one for the kids too but school serves that purpose well enough.

I am just a few weeks into summer break and I need a break.  And so does he.  Aged 12 size 9.5 men's shoe. He can cook dinner, do laundry, work the BBQ, babysit & change diapers, but good grief- tell him he forgot to put the toilet seat down or tell him it is bedtime, or he is at the end of his video game time, and it is as if you declared war on his independence.

Defenses go up in the blink of an eye. Anger sets in before you have a chance to take your next breath.  How dare we parents correct or direct this pubescent boy!  

And that is when I realize he is just like me - in hormone mode. 

Well kind of because he has the added struggle of not having brain that fully functions.

Burying our Babies

When I lost my little Lily to miscarriage 10 years ago I really didn't know what to do.  Sure the doctor had given me clinical instructions.  I was given some pills and told to go home and I would 'pass the tissue' and it would be over.  She didn't tell me the pills she gave me would actually induce labor, I would labor at home for hours in pain, and then be left with a little corpse.  The actual baby she referred callously to as tissue.  Even in the latest planned parenthood videos they call the babies "babies".  But the doctor never told me what I was supposed to DO with my little baby once she came out.

The doctor looked into my tear stained, red, swollen face and told me to just pass the tissue at home.

 Once my miscarriage was over, what was I to do with the babies body?

Running Away

I ran away tonight.

Full retreat. Glass of ice water in my hand.

Everyone was having fun. No one was listening.  We were trying to get the kitchen cleaned up and everyone (but me) was having an awesome time.  My husband had taken Anna to wash her feet after getting bit by an ant, and I was alone with 3 joyful but disobedient kids. I was the only one working and this was THEIR responsibility in the first place.

So I ran away.  They protested at first, knowing now that I wasn't there to help it would take much longer.  But I was done.

"I am leaving. You are on your own to clean this all up. 

Dishes unloaded, reloaded, counters wiped, trash taken out".  

They protested just enough and then they just cranked up the music and got it done.  It took them a good 20 minutes but they were happy.  Dad joined them to loosely oversee and the laughter echoed down the hall.  It lightened my heart but also made me a little sad.

Sometimes I just need to get out of the way.  I need to let them succeed or fail. I need to step back and let them have fun serving joyfully in their own way.

I wish I could be The Mom who doesn't micromanage.  After a week of planning and managing people and time schedules and curriculums for Vacation Bible School, this first day at home I am trying to step back and just relax, but it is tough. I wish I could be more fun and in-the-moment. But I am really afraid if I did that my kids would NEVER get to bed, my husband and I would NEVER get any alone time, and my house would look and smell like a toxic-waste dump.

Growing Through Giving: VBS 2015

When I first saw the email from our Pastor I thought "no way" and I deleted it.

I didn't even consider taking on a leadership role with Vacation Bible School.  Our RE director wasn't able to run it this year and it looked like it wasn't going to happen at all.  I didn't give it much thought and moved on to the emails from Groupon (which I just delete) and Blessed is She (which I devour).  And then I got the text from my best friend Nellie (who is also the photographer for all these quick pics from the week) saying

"We are doing this right?" 

And by 'this' she meant VBS. Cue crickets chirping.

A few nights later as a group of us gathered in her house for our normal Women's Group she called us to task.  If we want a program, and we want it done a certain way, we need to step up and do it.  Now I have written elsewhere about serving in our parish.  About starting a ministry, about teaching our kids to serve... I am not shy about stepping up when I can.  But running a VBS program with just a few months to plan is a huge endeavor and not something I was really sure we could pull off.   Summer was going to be my time to relax, not get crazy busy in the 110 degree heat.

Can you see little Anna in the background? 

Someone must have been praying about it because we did say yes and we found more amazing women and teens to say yes.

Answer Me This end of summer

The last edition of

1. What's your favorite grocery store splurge?

Fresh berries and cheeses. In the summer i get used to such good berries for such  good price and then the prices skyrocket and the quality plummets.  I try to eat stuff seasonally, but every now and then I just want a pint of berries!  Cheese are my year round splurge.  I love a good Gouda but I am the only on the family who really loves cheese so it is a splurge for sure!

2. How's your penmanship?

My penmanship is horrible. And so is my spelling. Put that together and things I write by hand look like they were composed by a middle-schooler.  My handwriting is also inconsistent. I never really developed a style. 

3. Do you have a "Summer Bucket List?"

My Summer bucket list: swim with kids, take big trip with Husband, take little trip with kids, plan-execute VBS at our parish, birthday. I didn't so much have a bucket-list this year. More like a big ToDo list with fun Stuff sprinkled throughout. 

4. What's the best thing on the radio right now?

I don't really like the radio because it generally leads to some discontent in my car. Music is hugely important and anna has recently decided she is all about the classical station much to the dismay of her siblings whoike to bicker over whether we should leave it on Taylor swift or Bruno Mars. I actually like Sam hunts "take your Time". I think it is sweet and it makes me smile. I think at this point in my life time seems so valuable. As a mamma it is in high demand. I willingly but strategically give my time away and see it as a gift, something to be shared, something to be valued. The kids hate the song. 

5. Ice cream or frozen yogurt?

I  definitely a frozen yogurt kind of gal. I love them both, but I feel less guilty with frozen yogurt I guess. I love making the cup myself and sprinkling my own toppings in just the right ratio. That said my absolute favorite is coldstone creamery's sweet cream and strawberries.  Back to those berries I guess!


6. Have you had that baby NOW? (Again, you can skip this one if you want.)

6 Tips on Handling Sibling Bickering

Maybe it is just me, but my kids seem to go through irregular cycles of bickering.  In the thick of summer it can get pretty bad.   I haven't been able to blame it food, or sleep, or the phases of the moon, or really anything else.  Some days, they just seem to want to fight.  You know it is bad when you have to tell the kids they are not allowed to speak to, or look at one another, which is what I found myself saying today.  I generally get annoyed and then irritated and then really angry and then I snap and end up yelling at them all leaving me annoyed with myself.  And they are back at it 5 minutes later.  So I got to thinking about what I SHOULD be doing instead...

1.  Get out of the house. Take them with you if you have too.  Take them to the park, or the library, or the McDonald's Playland - anywhere but home and preferably somewhere that serves coffee but also has a play-space large enough that they won't be bumping into one another constantly.

2.  Lock them outside.  If it is hot you can turn on the hose.  If it is cold... well.. tell them to grab their mittens if guess.  I live in Arizona so we don't have that problem.

3.  Lock yourself in the bathroom and take a bath.  I never understood the "Calgon take me away!" commercials - now I get it.  When they start pounding on the door to tattle, just slip your head under the water or turn on the spout and you won't hear a thing.

Giving up Naps - a reflection

I cling to nap time.  It is my buoy in the ocean of life.  Naps give peace. Quiet.  The time to think and reflect.  The opportunity to write or nap or make phone calls or pick up the toys.  Or just finally sit down.

But naptime is a stage - it doesn't last forever.  And here we are, at that point, and nap time has got to go.

My firstborn didn't need as much sleep as I thought he should.  I tried to make him conform to all the books, worried sick that his brain wouldn't develop optimally without the set amount of sleep.  My husband finally pointed it out that he just doesn't need as much sleep as I want him to get.

I finished my dissertation with him playing quietly in his crib.  He was 18 months when he stopped napping on a regular basis.  He never complained, so I would leave him in his crib to get 'quiet time' while I wrote.  Every now and again he would actually fall asleep, but I think now that was due to sheer boredom.  Even now he needs less sleep than do I.

My second and third-borns are champion sleepers.  Gracie still naps about once a week and she turns 8 this summer.  She was one of those kids who really did sleep through the night before she hit her 2 month birthday.  JR wasn't quite that good, but still these two don't complain about going to bed at night and often are the last ones up.  They seem to like sleep, beds, pillows, all of that lovely stuff.

And then we have my adventuresome spirit. I wrote about protecting her naps and flexibility a while back (read more here).  Anna now takes her nap and sleeps well, but then she is a awake until 10 at night.  We tuck the girls in at 730 and (much like Anthony) then she lays in bed.  Or gets up and lays out her clothes (and her sister's clothes) for the next day.  Or she looks at books.  Or she asks for more water only to then need to go to the bathroom again.  And again.  Then she tries on shoes.  Then she is hungry.  Sometimes she is quiet and we think she fell asleep, only to find her laying in bed with her feet up on the wall just thinking.  The kids don't have toys in their rooms so her entertainment options are pretty limited, but sometimes she even gets dressed for the next day.  Good grief.

The Real Story: Miscarriage

Every few weeks I seem to get a prayer request for a fellow mom who has lost an unborn baby because of miscarriage.  Each time I find myself re-living my own experience, and I pray that my St. Lily and all those who make up the Army of Baby Saints will pray for these grieving moms.  The loss of every child is a unique experience, but knowing that I was not alone in my suffering brought great comfort when I needed it most.  I thought it was time I shared gave back too, and shared about how Lily came to be and left before any of us were able to hold her.  This is our story.  This is her story.

When we got married, Bob wanted two kids and I wanted three.  He used to say we compromised and had three, but then Anna came along so now with four kids we just laugh...

But back in the days before JR and Gracie and Anna, there was just a Mom and a Dad, and a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes.  We took our little Anthony with us on an adventure from Arizona to Oregon for a temporary relocation associated with my husband's work.  It was a wonderful time away.  I always thought I wanted to live where it rained a lot, and I had visions of playing with Anthony at the park every morning while I sipped my coffee wrapped in a lovely wool sweater.  I didn't realize the park would always be mushy and muddy and the swings and slides would be wet.  But I digress.  When we were about 1/2 way through our 10 month stay we decided we should have another baby.  Anthony was about 16 months old and I was finishing off my dissertation, eager to graduate and be called Dr. Hackett, if only by my little guy. 

As with Anthony, I conceived fairly easily.  We only told family about the pregnancy 'in case something happened'.  I don't think we really had any idea what that even meant.

Answer me this: My Dependable Dad

Building on last weeks Answer-me-this from Catholic All Year we have the Father's Day Edition.  Thanks for Kendra for hosting us in this fun link-up.  Be sure to check out the other answers to her great questions.

What is the best thing about your dad?

He is dependable. If he says he will be somewhere or do something he will.  He is wont get sick, or hurt, or forget, or change his mind, or flake out.  He will be there when you need him to be there.  I remember my grandmother hugging him at my grandfather’s funeral. She was pretty wrecked and she just leaned into him and turned to me.  She said “your dad is so dependable”. Even though that was 20 years ago the comment she made really stuck with me. 

What is the best thing about my kid’s father?

His love is so transparent in his actions. He loves to be with the kids and I.  Even when they (dare I say we) are a challenge… he doesn’t seem to need alone time, or away time. He just wants to be with us. 

What’s the best advice your dad ever gave you?

Keep the rifle butt tight against our shoulder when you shoot… or maybe to get a big bucket handy when I take apart the plumbing under the sink… or it could be his advice to always make sure you bring all the tools to the project at the start of the project…or to butter and toast both sides of a grilled cheese sandwich…I really could go on forever here.  My dad was/is full of practical advice. 

What’s something you have in common with your dad?

Peanut butter and spies.  I am a creamy peanut butter kind of girl and I love a good spy novel just like my dad.  I also would say we both like to keep busy. He always has a crazy number of different projects in motion and I too seem to have so much that I want to do!

What’s the manliest thing you know how to do?

Unclog a sink? Change a tire?  Lay a hardwood floor? Do those count? Just don’t tell anyone. I would rather not do those things!

Who is your favorite fictional dad?

I don’t really have one I don’t think.  I am really good at data-dumping fictional stuff. I read it or watch it and enjoy it, but then I don’t retain the characters or even frequently the plot.  One of my favorite characters in all of fiction is Jean Val Jean from Les Miserables.  He is a foster-adoptive father to I guess he would qualify.  Really my own dad is pretty much the stuff of legends so not even the fictional world can compare. 

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!