The Mosts Posts for 2014

Happy NewYears!   I recently discovered that one thing bloggers often do at the end of the year is post a special recap, or highlights of the year.  A year in review or something of that nature.  This is my first New Years as a blogger, but I decided to give it a try with a "Mosts Posts". 

I have collected for you the Most Read, Most Commented on, Most Controversial, Most 'Missed' post etc.  Just click on the post title and it will take you to the post and you can check it out yourself if you wish.  The only one not there is the Post-Not-Written… that post would be the post How to Get Your Child to Eat Veggies.  I am still working on that post... Look for that next year maybe.

Most Read
God's Baby Shower  This was a heart warming post about a heart breaking topic.  This past year two of my friends have given birth to and then buried their babies.  Both Baby Leo and Baby Lily were born with anacephaly.  They were born about 6 months apart to two different beautiful, strong, faithful and loving mothers.  Their mothers carried them to term and then delivered them with full knowledge that if they survived delivery, they would likely not live much past their "birth-day".   The post here is about the baby shower we threw for Leo's mother shortly before she delivered Leo.  Lily's story has been told beautifully by her own mother who blogged through out the pregnancy (click here for that story). 

Most Controversial
Daycare Vs. Mother care: Neglecting the researcher and putting stay-at-home moms in the crosshairs. Well I am not sure what to say on this one.  I opened a can of worms.  Anytime you criticize a political figure you are going to tick someone off.  My main point (as pointed out in the subtitle), is that we should let research guide our decisions.  Plus I wrote it while I was mad. I really do feel the need to defend women's decision to stay-at-home.  As a very highly educated woman, I don't think we throw away our education when we spend most of our day raising our kids.  So yes, this post got some people mad but it was bound to no matter what I said, just because the topic is so touchy! Which is why I think it is SO essential that people understand the research and don't make purely emotionally driven decisions or arguments. But then that is THE major of the point of this blog -  To bridge the gap between research and the home!

Most Commented On
Daycare Vs. Mother care: Neglecting the researcher and putting stay-at-home moms in the crosshairs.

Runner up for Most Commented On
Shamefully Shoeless  This is the post that started it all and got me into blogging on my own site. What is it about parenting that makes strangers think they have the right to barge in ?

Most Difficult to Write
Laying Flint to Rest  I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous, but after 14 years with our pooch it was heartbreaking to lay him to rest.   This post is about how to go about making the choice to put an animal to sleep.  

Most Funny
Nit-Picking on Mother's Day  I am not by nature a very funny person. I have a good sense of humor I think, but it is more of a dry humor.  I like British comedy and Physical comedy.  Both Faulty Towers and I Love Lucy crack me up.  But me, myself personally, not one for jokes.  But this post was funny and maybe it is my only funny post!

Most Missed
No Pushing or Shoving - Knowing when to back off your kids
                                         AND
The Importance of Teaching Delayed Gratification

I loved both of these posts. The second gets a little heavy into the research but both give concrete things that you can do to improve your parenting. I am not sure why this got missed by many viewers but it is worth checking out. 

Most Brainy
Unlocking the Pre-teen and Adolescent Brain  I love this one because it points out that kids at this age are basically brain damaged.  My husband and I need that reminder when we see what our young man-child does sometimes!  He is getting used to us calling him brain damaged but he read the post so he gets the joke.  

Most Resonating
Image Crafting  This post has stayed with me for a while now.  Whenever I post photos I think of this post and wonder if I am, to any degree, contributing to unhealthy image crafting.  I think writing it has helped me stay honest in my portrayal of our life. 

And that wraps is up for this year!  I will have lots of good stuff for 2015 God willing.  I am going to try to figure out how to use photos better and will work on improving the site a little.   I am going to do some link-ups with other great bloggers and have a few guest posts too.   Please pray for me in the coming year... I will be praying for you!  Thanks for stopping by and for supporting this growing blog!

Our Failures and Reducing the Stress in our Lives

At the beginning of mass, Catholics have the benefit of being led through an Act of Contrition.  This is time when the priest calls us to consider those things we have done in the past week, (or failed to do) which have not brought glory to God.  Because we will be going before the table of the Lord it is important that we do so with a clean heart. Each week I generally find myself asking for God's forgiveness for the same things... Lord forgive me for being impatient, for being quick to anger, for using harsh words etc.  If our sanctuary were a cartoon, I am sure the word bubbles above the heads of the parishioners would be a little different, but many parents would have similar failings to confess.

And so it got me thinking about my in ability to stop falling into the same sins again and again.  I know each time I go to reconciliation and confess before a priest I have the double benefit - I gain forgiveness and I get guidance from him as to how to avoid falling into that trap again. But in-between the trips to confession, this weekly reflection is an opportunity too so see what I need to work on this week in particular.

Before I get any further here time for a disclaimer.  When we talk about sin - that is a willful disobedience of God.  Loosing your temper, or feeling impatient is not generally a sin.  However, willfully choosing not to improve upon those personal tendencies could be, if you are choosing willfully not to be a kinder, more patient person.  So when I say personal reflection leads me to want to stop sinning in this area, it is avery personal journey I am on because I do want to stop hollering in my house.   Hope that makes sense. I just don't want any of you all out there to think you need to call a priest for confession because you were impatient with your child today.  We all are in need of His grace to get through it all daily! Now back to it...

I am so tired of the same failings, and so this week I am addressing these issues like a scholar.  In doing so, I have identified that many of my guilt results from inappropriate reactions brought on by my own stress level.

I snap at the kids because I am behind schedule for meals, I over-react because I don't have the patience to tell them ONE MORE TIME the same things I have been telling them all day.  I ask the kids to do something (brush your teeth) but then I get caught up in another task (making coffee) and don't follow through to see if they have done their job - only to find they haven't completed such task and WHAMMY.  Mom is instantly mad.  If I had just monitored them little more and helped them brush their teeth instead of trying to duck away make coffee or put away the food from dinner, all would be okay.  But the stress of the mental ToDo List compels me to try to fit just one more 'thing' into the schedule ahead of the parenting task.

When I researched teacher-stress in the schools, I came across some great research.  One of the scholars (forgive me for not citing it as that was 12 years and 4 kids ago) pointed out that when you are under stress, or find a situation to be difficult, you can either remove the stressor, remove yourself, or change your perception of the situation.

Turning around a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad start to the day...

I woke up with a huge zit on my chin, my favorite hair clip broke, my good jeans missed the wash, and JR "forgot" he is student of the week- he has to color his entire poster about himself and we have to leave in 30 min. His siblings and I were supposed to send nice letters to school with him today for his folder, but I think it best that we send that tomorrow since he JUST TOLD ME ABOUT IT .  I didn't have time to pack my gym bag or have breakfast and I got a migraine.  I spilled on my slippers, got a bolt dug into my tire, forgot my phone, and forgot to put dinner in the crockpot.  This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad way to start the day.

If you don't have this book get it.  I love it as much as the kids do!

I think I will move to Australia.

Or go to mass and rosary.

Yesterday, our Very Hard to Understand Priest said something that I actually understood  (literally and spiritually).

Advent Update and Other Stuff

It has been while since I posted, so I wanted to check into my cyber world and let you all know all is well.  I am working on a few posts, mostly writing in my head and then forgetting them, but they are there somewhere.  

Instead of writing I decorated the house, went to a fancy party and stressed about not fitting into my dress, wrote our Christmas letter, took my online "safe environment training" for volunteering with the church and school, cleaned out the playroom, snuggled with my new niece, and I am trying to get to morning mass a few days a week.  Rather than talking about baby fever (did I say baby fever?), let's focus on cleaning out the playroom…


When I say cleaned out the playroom I mean REALLY cleaned it out.  Three bags to the trash, two loads to donate, one load to the consignment store.  We ended up with about 1/10th the stuff and it feels SOOOO good.  I don't post photos of my house much, mostly because I am not a very good photographer, but also because although my house is generally clean, I am the queen of piles. Since I am not big into image crafting, I would rather you not see the pile of books I need to research, and the Christmas cards I need to address etc, and the movies I borrowed and need to return etc… But this is a huge change for me and it is already cleaned so it is post worthy.  Now that I see the photo in the blog I notice that I really should have run the vacuum because those puzzle pieces are flaking off… but ignore the little stuff on the carpet.  I will vacuum right before my Godson comes over tonight lest those mini-pieces get put right into his mouth... 

My husband asked why it was easy to clean out the room it without him. We usually work well as a team, but not when it comes to getting rid of stuff.  He is a minimalist, and although I would like to be one, I am not.  I am trying.  I don't come by it naturally.  

When we go though things together, with hopes of de-cluttering, it is always MY stuff that is problematic, and I am always defensive.  Sometimes, if I have kept something for a while (like the roman blinds I still haven't actually made, but cut out and got prepped to make for a window in my old house), I think that I have to continue to hold on to it until I actually use it.  Otherwise I have to accept that it was dumb to move it from one house to another (which of course it was dumb).   So I guess there is some pride element there I need to work thought. 

But the playroom thing was easy.  It wasn't my stuff, and I had a friend help me.  She used to work in a consignment store so I trusted her "toss", "keep", "donate", "give to cousins", or "sell piles".  I also didn't get mad when she harassed me for having broken toys and the like saved for so long because she was doing ME a favor and she was right.  It was a lot of JUNK!  It took 6 hours (with both of us working) but we got it done and it is great now!

The kids are fine. Great actually.  Anna has taken a recent liking to puzzles (maybe because she can now find them) and is fighting sleep (a post in the making there) so we take the good with the bad.  



They loved the playroom when I was done and I gave the boys each $5 from the stuff I sold at the consignment store.  The girls got a little stuffed animal from my trade money and I still ended up with some green in my wallet.  The kids wanted to know why they didn't get ALL the money since it was all their stuff.  I told them that next time if THEY do the work, they will get all the cash.  We will see if that works.

The school semester is gearing up for an end and it is always challenging to write during the breaks but Santa MAY bring me a laptop this year to help with my computer access and blogging.  I have been MOSTLY good in the ways that count and when I am not I do try to make up for it.  Like a few nights ago... after I had a Bad Mommy Moment during bedtime reading:

Me-  I am sorry I am really hard on you at times.

Gracie-  That's okay mamma.

Me- I know you are really really well behaved almost all the time, and I just expect that you will always be like that.  When you aren't, I just snap… I know that isn't fair.  Am I perfect honey?

Gracie-  No

Me- Are you perfect?

Gracie-  No. Only God is perfect.

Me - That's right.  But do we love each other anyway, even though we aren't perfect?

Gracie- (big hug) Yes mamma.  

I feel some days like the biggest lesson I am learning during this stage in parenting is how to live with my imperfections while still striving each day to BE (and do) better.   I pray you all are BEING better each day and learning to love your perfection found in your everyday imperfections.  Because after all, if we were perfect we wouldn't need Him!  

Thanks for stopping by!

A Better Kind of Christmas Lists for Kids

This year we are trying something a little different with our oldest two boys (aged 8+ and 11).  Anthony and JR love to search endless for fabulous gifts to put on their Christmas Lists.  They have their lists done on the computer now, color coded for priority with a lovely key at the top.  This allows easy access for this online mamma shopper (Anna is not fun in stores now), and it allows them to add to the list at any time.  Anthony's includes this…

Please just remember what 
Christmas is all about. 
Notice: Any gifts will be accepted, 

but this is my preference. 

(AKA; it’s the thought that counts, 

and I’ve never known my family 

to give me anything I did not have

 any use for or enjoy.)

Well, it is nice to have that disclaimer since he is certainly not getting everything on his list, and will get much that is not on the list (like socks since he keeps stealing ours).  

Usually I try to have most of the shopping done before Advent, but in my attempt to simplify I have done much less shopping in general this year and have very little in my gift/craft closet.  Last year I did NO shopping because of my little fall, so I really do need to add a little cash to our economy this year.   My thought is that I can do online shopping easily this year and go for quality rather than quantity… we will see.  Anna is a handful in a store as many of you with kids in the 1- 4 age range probably relate to. 

Back to the topic at hand.

I drew Anthony away from his web surfing for 'stuff' and requested that he write out a list of all the things he is planning on giving others.  

HIS DWELLING SHALL BE GLORIOUS - Is 11:10

The first reading for today ends with the phrase

"His dwelling shall be glorious".

The advent journal I have from Blessed is She poses the questions :

"How is God's dwelling physically different than ours? 

How do we imitate His?"

It is a beautiful thing to reflect upon so I wanted to share my reflection with you and hope you will share yours as well below in the comments.  

My first reaction is "God's dwelling is perfect in every way".  Doesn't it have to be?

When I look around at my physical dwelling place, I see all the mess.  I don't see the beauty.  I see my son's shoes on the floor in the kitchen, rather than the gift of having healthy and energetic children.  I see toys spread out, rather than seeing bounty when others have little.  I see clothes that need to be folder and put away rather than recognizing another chance to be thankful that I always have adequate ways of clothing my family.  I see dishes that need to be washed, when I should see an opportunity to give praise that in our home no one goes to be hungry.  

God's dwelling place is perfect - and He physically dwells in me every time I take the eucharist, so then aren't we too perfect in our imperfections?

How do we imitate His dwelling place? Maybe by reinterpreting what we see.   Don't look for the faults in our physical space or in our own bodies.  See the beauty and grace that surrounds us. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Four little things I learned while I was sick

I really thought that I had more sense than to get sick. Taking care of one sick kid, or even two at once is okay.  It gives us the chance to shine (in a twisted way) as mammas.  Mamma is the “only one” who can do it “just right” when a child is sick.  I still want my mamma when I get sick.  

But being sick yourself is rotten- not just because of how you feel, but also because when you live a life of service- people miss you when you are out. 

After my run of a virus this month,  here are 5 little things I have learned while being sick:

1. Anyone can put food on the table, but it takes a mom to put together MEAL.  

Loving your kids isn't enough

 Little Anna is now almost 3 and officially in that stage where EVERYTHING she does is amazingly cute.  Her tantrums are hilarious, her language endearing, and her little mind always working.  She has picked up on cute little phrases like "I am pwetty sure…" which she uses at the funniest times.  Like "I am pwetty sure I need a nuggle" or "I am pwetty sure I don't wan go to seep".  

As her language explosion continues and her vocabulary grows, she has new ways of expressing her thoughts, wants, needs, and desires and I feel as though a window to her soul has been opened. As my knowledge of her grows, so to does my love for her.  

And so I have to remind myself that loving her isn't enough.  Or maybe another way of thinking about it is this 

If I really love her, then I need to show her my love by being a responsible mom    

My actions need to back up my feelings.  

6 Tips for How to Raise Thankful Children

With Thanksgiving approaching and Christmas around the corner our thoughts naturally turn to thankfulness, leading me to ask

 How can we raise thankful children in a culture that promotes an attitude of entitlement?

Here are 6 tips to help us all in our quest to raise

more thankful children.  

1.  Model Gratitude.   Attitudes (like gratitude) are caught not taught.  Are you thankful?  Do you verbalizing what you are thankful for? How do you express your gratitude non-verbally? If you need help living a more grateful life, pick up a book like One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  

2.  Be tuned into your child.  This lets them see that you are grateful for THEM.  Put the phone down when they are talking.  Don’t interrupt.  Be really present for them.  Invite them to join you on an errand rather than running out for a rare moment alone.

3.  Help your children recognize their strengths and how they can use their strengths for the good of others.  

Vygotsky and Parenting: Being your child's first and most important teacher

You know you are a nerd when you get really excited just reading your notes on a theorist.  I am a total nerd and Vygotsky is a super cool theorist! Vygotsky put forth a socio-cultural view of development.  He pointed out that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.  Rather than give you his bio (which is also hugely interesting), I am going to describe a few key ideas of his.  I will take them out of the education setting in which they are usually discussed and apply them to the home.  His concepts of scaffolding and intersubjectivity are especially applicable to everyday parenting.

Vygotsky argued that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.

In the classroom of life, every person you meet is a teacher,  

but the parent is the child's first and most important teacher.

The environment which is most conducive to learning, is that where learning and instruction lead actual development.  He wrote "the only good learning is that which is in advance of development" (Vygotsky, 1978, p.9).  Therefore,  to promote development, the challenges for the child should be right above his level - not directly at (or below) his ability.  Stagnation occurs developmentally when children are not challenged.  This is the basis for not grouping kids by age and ability, but rather having more skilled learners available to help less skilled learners with tasks.

In larger families, we see this play out daily as older kids help 'teach' the younger ones to do everything from climbing rocks to formulating an argument.  JR is especially good at helping 'teach' the girls how to do his chores!  They love helping him take out the recycling because they are doing "the tough stuff".   He loves that he has one less trip to make.  The girls alone would not be able to complete the multi-steps required to take it all out - unlock the doors, open the big recycling can lid etc.  But under his 'guidance', they can learn to do it.   You can also see this at play it in multi-level play, as the older kids direct the younger ones, or the younger ones toddle behind trying to keep up with the big kids.  It is so healthy and so natural, and it is in these very moments that Vygotsky says we see actual development.

In order to best support their child's development in an area, parents (or older kids) should provide the appropriate scaffolding.  Parents provide the setting and the information that will help the child learn on his own.  Take cleaning up their room.  A child alone, may just glaze over looking at the mess.  But a parent can direct the child "pick up all the books first, then the clothes, then the toys last".  The instruction is the scaffolding the child needs to complete the task.  Another term for this is guided participation.  What children can do on their own, is less important that what they can do with a little guidance, because it is in the DOING that development occurs.   Eventually they are able to internalize the scaffolding and do the task without the guidance of the parent.

Guided participation works best when the parent (or more skilled partner)  knows how to read the cues given by the child, and bring them around to a shared goal.  Intersubjectivity is a super cool term.  It is the "shared understanding, based on a common focus of attention and a common goal, between a child and a more competent person" (Miller, 1993, p.32).  I bet my homeschooling readers are probably nodding their heads right about now!  One of the wonderful things about homeschooling is that the 'teacher'  and the child have so much common understanding before any official 'lessons' begin.  In relationships where there is strong intersubjectivity, learning happens most easily and most naturally.

For optimal learning/development to occur, 

a child and the parent or more skilled partner need 

to have a joint understanding & 

a mutual desire to reach the goal.   

If the child doesn't understand what you are asking, or if he is unmotivated to learn, you are going to have a harder time.  For example, if two kids are building with blocks, and the older ones wants to build a tower while the younger one wants to build a road - this is not a good set up for 'learning'. It is of course fine for just playing (assuming there are enough blocks!).  If they share the goal of building the tower, then the younger one will be motivated to pay attention and learn from (and with) the older child.

Vygotsky's concepts apply to both our interactions, and to our conversations with our children.  Reciprocal teaching is a concept based on Vygotsky's ideas.  RT is the process of clarifying, questioning, summarizing, and predicting.  Good parents do this naturally with children of all ages, but particularly with 2-3 year olds during their language explosion.  The child's mind is so excited to talk, but finding the words can be a challenge.  Clarifying what the child says, asking them to expand of their thoughts, summarizing their ideas, and then helping them predict is a great way to build both their verbal skills and their overall cognitive functioning.  This process applies to conversations with kids of all ages.  It also is a great way to model a more socratic type of dialogue within our home.

It can be easy to feel wary about the do's and don't do's so I want to end with a quote from St Teresa of Avila.

If you want to make progress on the Path 

and ascend to the places you have longed for, 

the important thing is not to think much, 

as so to do whatever best awakens you to love.  

Vygotsky's main principle is that learning is a social event.  As such, as families we should be thoughtful about our actions -  but if love is at the heart of what we do, then we are on the right track.     Giving your children direction and letting them grow with guidance is a great principle. Taking the time to get to know your child and share in his or her goals is another great parenting tip.  Lastly, modeling good conversation practices where you help the child to expand on their thoughts and idea shows that you love them and value what they think.  May all our interactions today awaken both us and our children to love!

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Keep your Family Team Cheering: Little siblings on the sidelines

 Little Gracie asked today "why do we have to go to the game?" 

It can get tiring to be on the sidelines hour after hour watching your parents cheer for your big brothers.  So I took the opportunity to tell her how much I love watching all of them do the things they love to do.  I reinforced that as a family we support one another.  I pointed out how nice it is to be outside in good weather.   Lucky for us there are other little siblings on the sidelines each game and these kids are so great to play with.  Having a larger family than most, we also have built-in playmates. But even on the best days it can be tough.  If you have older kids then they can stay at home for some games, but this works less well with little ones!

How to Keep your Family Team Cheering: Older siblings and sports

A few weeks back,  I wrote about the importance of the groups your kids are involved in. It is a really brainy post, but the theory behind it was brought home for me today as I spoke with one of the other "team moms".  One of the great things about surrounding my kids with other great kids, is that fairly often those other great kids have amazing parents.  JR's soccer team is a great example.  The kids on the team are super nice, and their parents are well grounded.  I was reminded about that today during JR's soccer match.

One of the mom's commented that her daughter was really pushing back about attending the little brother's soccer games.  Their daughter is old enough to stay at home and soccer season is in full swing.  Some weekends the boys don't play, other Saturday's they have one game, and on tournament weekends they can have as many as 4 games.  Siblings can quickly lose their "supportive attitude" as they are schlepped from game to game, yet many parents want to reinforce the importance of supporting one another.

This brilliant mom came up with a great solution

Looking to motivate your kids? A parent's look at motivation theory

Motivation Theory

The term motivation refers to that which energizes, directs, or sustains behavior (McDevitt & Ormrod, 2002).  Different people are motivated by different things.   Need for affiliation, need for approval and achievement motivation are the three big ones.   Motivation can be internal (intrinsic) or external (extrinsic) in source.

Let's set these two terms in the context of chores - something kids traditionally aren't motivated to do!

Intrinsic motivation is often driven by a natural curiosity, a need for cognitive consistency, or high achievement motivation (excellence for its own sake), a strong sense of self-determination, or valuing competence.  For a child who is intrinsically motivated, she may do chores because she loves tidying things, or values having a clean area, or likes working along side her parent”.   You can promote intrinsic motivation by focusing on the satisfaction, enjoyment, or pride that comes from the success in doing the task.   Targeting your child's self-efficacy can help, as children are more motivated to do that which they think they will be successful in doing. 

A child who is externally motivated on the other hand,

Daycare vs Mother care: Neglecting the research and putting stay-at-home moms in the crosshairs

I did not plan on writing a post this morning.  Like most moms, I have a huge list of things to tackle as this week gets off to a start.  But President Obama's comments this weekend about stay-at-home moms was so blatantly wrong, I had to brush off the PhD and correct the man. My problem come not with the economy of it all, but rather with his continual push for daycare over mother-care, and his complete disregard for the data. 

“Sometimes, someone, usually Mom, leaves the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage 

for the rest of her life as a result.   

“That’s not a choice we want Americans to make.”-Obama

Apparently Obama’s brand is feminism has moved from encouraging women to make choices, 
to making evaluative assessments of those choices. 

That is not progress.  

Getting beyond the offense of the statement, I need to point out why is he wrong - based on FACTS and DATA - not just emotion.  Why do we actually WANT American women to choose to be a full-time mom, rather than putting her children in day-care?  I break it down into three areas:

Benefits to the Child, the Mother, and the Family

Benefits to the Child

The deficit model of research is a great way to explain 'benefits' of childcare.  If children are growing up in abject poverty, and they would not receive quality care at home, then having those children spend time in high quality childcare will result in more beneficial outcomes.  If however, the quality of childcare is not greater than that which the children would receive at home, then any benefits are diminished.  Similarly, if you have a child who would normally spend the day engaged in high quality child care at home (with a loving parent or family member), and you put that same child in any childcare center, you won't see the same overall benefits.  

Therefore, the situations where daycare is overall more beneficial to the child, are those situations when the quality of care they would receive at home is poor, and the day care center they attend is high quality.  Children who were in high quality 'center' type daycare centers, had better reading, math, and memory skills at third grade than did other children.  But children who spent the most time in these high quality day cares were,  more demanding, less willing to obey, and had more trouble getting along with peers.  Furthermore, greater time in childcare was associated with poor working habits, and poor internalizing behavior (Data presented at the Society for Research in Child Development, 2005).  

 "So let's make this happen: By the end of this decade, let's enroll 6 million children in high-quality preschool and let's make sure that we are making 
America stronger" -Obama

Look at the data first Mr. President. Let's be realistic- not every center can be high quality. I have worked in them and I have studied them - it is just not possible.  But even if they were all high quality, the data doesn't support your premise that daycare is better overall than a mother's care.  

Benefits to the Mother

Why do Catholics pray to saints?

In honor of All Saints Day, I thought I would do a quick post on one of the most mis-understood practices of the Catholic faith.  I am not a theologian, but as a convert, this was one of the hurdles that I thought I was going to have to "pray through" on my way to conversion.

http://www.sttheresechurchaurora.org

In reality, it was just a mis-understanding and I didn't have to change my mind about anything.

Have you ever asked someone to pray for you?  It is pretty common place even among luke-warm christians.  My Facebook feed usually contains a post from someone requesting a prayer or two.  St. Paul, in his letters often asked for the prayers of others (i.e. Ephesians 6).

Asking the Saints to pray for us is just the same.  We recognize these holy men and women as individuals who have received the privilege of being with the Father in heaven and we ask that they take our special intentions to His throne.

Catholics don't believe that saints have any power except that given to them by God.  Just like the apostles were able to work miracles in the name of Christ, the saints too are each associated with certain miracles.  They were made holy by God and now are able to pray for us in our time of need.

So study the saints, look at their lives as models of how to live, or models of God's redeeming grace (for many of them didn't live perfect lives!).   If you have a special cause of worry look for a patron saint of that cause and cast up your prayers to our Lord and His special Saint.   Let His saints pray for you!  For more on the scriptural background for our relationships with the saints click here.

All you holy men and women, Pray for us!

Part Two in the Allowance Debate: The work for money approach

Welcome back.  Just as a recap, my family did not pay us for chores, but rather provided us with an allowance.  We had chores that were not optional, and we did not get paid for these.  I covered all that and gave a quick review of motivation research in the last post.     This post is the story of my husband's family's approach and the merging of two very different attitudes towards chores and allowance. 

Part One of the Allowance Debate: NOT paying your kids for chores

One issue that seems to be hotly contested, is the idea behind paying kids for chores, versus just giving them an allowance.  Kids can start doing chores when they are really young.  And really they SHOULD be doing chores when they are little, because then it is just part of the family culture.  You don't have to suddenly ask them to do these horrible thing - work.  Chores are more than just help around the house.  Chores help kids develop self-worth through work.  Whether they are compensated for those chores influence how they relate to money and work as adults. 

What influences my child's development? The Ecological Model

This week for the Thursday Theorist I am going to take up Uri Bronfenbrenner.  I love this guy but his theory is a little confusing so I am going to try to take it piece by piece.  I chose this topic for the week because last week in my podcast about Identity Development I stumbled into talking about the model. I didn't have notes and I hadn't reviewed the theory in almost a decade. I figured it was time to wipe away the cognitive cobwebs and present this model in a more clear and concise way.  That is a really nice way of saying I think I blew it the first time so lets get it right in writing!

The Real Story: How to be a great mother in-law

Over the last 14 years of marriage, it has been increasingly clear that I have a great set of in-laws.   I have more than one friend* (maybe your are one of them?), who does not have a great relationship with her in-laws.  At first thought, as a mother of two boys, it makes sense to me.

No one is ever going to be good enough for my fabulous sons.  

We often assume that if we have a rough relationship, it is because our in-laws just don't think we are good enough.   Maybe, but I propose that it is more than that.   The first 25% of a person's life is spent indoctrinating them in a certain family culture.

Self-Esteem: What really makes a difference?

Welcome to this weeks Thursday Theorist.  Whereas in the first week we focused on a big name in psychology (Eric Erickson) and the second week we tackled Temperament by looking at Birth Order and The Four Temperaments, this week we are going to focus on just one question -

What makes a difference in 

a kid's developing self-esteem?

This is a huge area of research in the last 40-50 years so I am going to just strip it down to the research that is most applicable to our lives as parents.  I am not going to talk about the research on why positive self-esteem is good - just understand that having good self-esteem is really important.   The podcast on this topic airs tomorrow at This Inspired Life,  so if you want a good Q and A on the topic Kristen leads me through an hour long discussion on the topic and I do talk there about the positive associations with self-esteem.  But while you are here let's get down to the research on what you can DO to help your child develop a positive self-esteem...

1. Help them to Actually Be Successful.  Confidence comes from success, not just praise.  We can build our kids confidence by setting our children up to succeed whenever possible.  This is especially important with younger kids.  Don't reward them for failure or mediocrity.  Give them manageable chores and tasks to do around the house (find guidance here).  Hold them accountable.  Give them encouragement but not praise.  Give the simplest tasks to the smallest children and as they show competence then add to their responsibility.

2. Accept Failure and Move On.   It is better to let them fail at something than to always be holding them back because you want them to be successful.

News Update: High school reunion, Instagram and Other randomness

This weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.

(Do we like the lipstick or is it too bright?)

At some point I may do a post about that, but for now let's just say it was fun and leave it at that.  It was really nice to catch up with a few friends from childhood (so to Karen and LeeAnn especially I loved talking with you)!  I also got to hang out with my oldest childhood friend who I wrote about in the first Friendship post (here).

Funny enough though, I ended up spending a large chunk of time talking to two people who weren't in my class at all.  One gal was a "bride" of the high school quarterback. They didn't have kids and she is in her 20's (so she was Gracie's age when we graduated high school - gasp).  The second beautiful young woman I met in the bathroom and had a nice heart to heart with as well.  She too was early to mid 20's, no kids. So why am I picking up random young women in the bathroom and bringing them to my reunion to chat with? My judgement was probably influenced by the margaritas. And I only met one of them in the bathroom. But I am mentioning it here, because of what they both said.

Instagram is the way to go. 

One of them said Facebook was too intrusive.

Now, young, childless women in their 20's are not my target audience.  I blog about family and faith and science.

But why shouldn't they be reading.  The scientist in me knows that the more someone knows about a subject the more they realize they don't know. The converse is true as well.  When we don't know anything about something (being a parent) we often think we know a WHOLE lot.

No one seems to know how to raise kids better than people without kids right?

But how many of us wish we knew a little more about what we were getting 

ourselves into before we had kids?

So, I am casting a wider net and I have been muddling my way through Instagram. Facebook is still my main place to spread blog news, but if you want to follow me on Instagram now you now can. I am

Parenting_with_peer_review 

(click here)

Creative. I know.  I wanted you to be able to find me.  And I didn't want to forget my name.  I have three pictures posted. Two were there from before. Apparently I tried this once before a few years ago and did forget.

Oh, and as of now I have ONE follower (from before).

I really don't know what I am doing there, but I wanted to let my faithful readers know I have a presence somewhere else in the cyber-world now.  It is just photos.  Not writing.  If you are on Instagram check it out and let me know if I am doing things right over there.

Also, if you have been getting the Blessed is She devotions,  and are willing to fill out a survey,  you can do that here. It is super short and sweet and I would be so thankful. The administrators are trying to get a gauge on how it is working for everyone.  Compared to my one follower on Instagram, the Blessed is She group has a bazillion followers so even if you don't read it everyday please consider taking the quick survey. I am working on my November posts for them so even though I am not writing a ton for you here this month, please know I am working for you elsewhere!

Lastly, the podcast.  Thank you to all of you who have downloaded the podcast.  Hopefully you were able to do it easily and enjoyed. Part 3 comes this Friday. If you only hear one of these sessions you want to listen to Part 3!  It will be the best.

Part Two is still available (here)

As is 

Part One (here)

Look for your Thursday Theorist this week!  I am working on that now!

Birth Order and The Four Temperaments

Thursday's Theories: Temperament and Birth Order

Last week's Theorist Thursday was Eric Erikson (click here to catch up on that post).  He was a psychoanalysts by training and practice, and one of the fathers of Lifespan Human Development.  We are going to swing the pendulum today and go astray from modern psychology and talk about the Four Temperaments and Birth Order both. I am lumping them together for a longer post because they are both Birth Order and Temperament theory are outside of mainstream developmental psychology.  I am including them however because they really resonate with real life folks!  I recently I talk about them in my second podcast (Click here to go to the podcast) with This Inspired Life.    

Temperaments are considered an innate part of our composition.  Although they could endure secondary modifications, they are rooted in our physiology.

Food Staples: What should I keep on hand?

Do you feel like old Mother Hubbard? 

Is your cupboard bare?  Forget the dog bones, can you feed your hungry kids?

A friend mentioned that she didn't keep staples on hand.  It made it hard for her to cook, but really she didn't even know what she should have on hand.  So I put this list together for her instead of blogging today.  And then I realized - hey - I could post that on my blog. It isn't inline with what I usually talk about, but maybe someone else out there may want it.  And it is free to post something, so it doesn't cost me ANYTHING to share it with you too!

The idea behind the staples list, is that when you have these items on hand, it makes cooking so much easier.  Most of these items don’t go bad so you can slowly accumulate this stuff and just put it away in your pantry.   I try to keep these things always on hand. Then, when I plan my meals for the week, I just have to buy the meats and veggies. Looking at this entire list, you really could eat quite a few meals based on this list.  I am thinking omelets, cheese crisps, bean and rice, pancakes, french toast… The list could go on.  If I forgot anything leave me a comment and let me know what I left off and I will add that on too.

Chore time: When should my kids start doing their own laundry?

When my eldest (now 11) entered preschool at age 3, the school asked me to fill out a questionnaire.

On the sheet was the question:

"What chores does you child do during the day or week?"

My first thought was:

Are you kidding me - he is 3?

My second thought was:

Holy cow - he can do chores already? Awesome!

That DAY we started having him clear the plates after each meal, help load the silverware into the dishwasher, and help set the table.  It was easy.  He was eager to help as a "big" three-year old who was also recently a new big brother! He loved the new responsibility.

Children should take over responsibility for a chore, as soon as they are able to do them, whether it is laundry, making breakfast, packing their lunch, cleaning their room, or sweeping the patio.

When they are physically able to handle a broom, or tall enough to reach the kitchen sink - get them doing it.

I am not suggesting that you require they do these things, although you may want to and that is fine.  Rather I point out that you should teach them how, and help them to foster independence in doing them.  You may find that once they know how to do it, they want to do it.  

My First Podcast is Here!

Well today is the day.  My first podcast is here.  Kristin over at This Inspired Life  recently started a podcast focused on family and faith.  She asked me to connect with her and the result is a three part series on Parenting and Identity Development.  Today the first one is up and ready for download. 


You can go to this link (click here) and download it to your phone, tablet, or computer and listen at your leisure.  

If you want it on your phone then you need to open your internet connection on your phone (Mom I am talking to you) and the put this address into the search bar 

www.thisinspiredlife.net/006

That will get you to the website.  Enjoy and thanks for stoping by!

Erik Erikson: Parenting and the 8 Stages of Development

Welcome to our first Thursday Theorist!

I chose Erik Erikson to kick of our new Thursday series because Erikson is one of my favorites.  He is also pretty well known and someone I discussed in this weeks podcast.  I kept the overview short and light and added on some of my tips for helping your child (or yourself) at each stage.  Enjoy!

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Erik_Erikson.png

Erik Erikson (1902-1994)  was a psychoanalyst who developed a theory of lifespan human development.  Unlike many of his peer who focused solely on events of childhood, Erikson recognized that humans continue to evolve throughout their lives.  

Erikson presented the Eight Stages of Development (1956) as a process of socialization.

Why Kid's Music Matters

My 11 year old doesn't understand why we even have it.  My 8 year old is just annoyed by it.  My 6 year old L.O.V.E.S to sing it at the top of her lungs.  My 2 year-old stops crying and claps when I turn it on.

What is it?

Toddler Tunes

Each of the kids, depending on their age, has a different, and very strong opinion. And it is a reaction shared by other their same age.

What is it about "the wheels on the bus" and "if you are happy and you know it", that elicits such a strong reaction?  As parents I think we understand why it is annoying to the older children because we share that annoyance.  We may also share their amazement at why it works to calm toddlers and their slightly older siblings. There is a reason why these song have survived for generations.

Wordless Wednesday

Panic Attack in the Deodorant Isle

I almost had my first panic attack today.

Or maybe you could say I had the beginnings of my first panic attack.

In the deodorant isle.

Background - after his soccer game this weekend Anthony, complained that his under-arms were "just so sticky".  Even though it is mid-late September he was playing AZ style in 100+ temperatures with humidity. Of course. His whole body was dripping in sweat but it was the under-arms that bothered him.  I explained that he probably should start wearing and antiperspirant.  So today I thought Anna and I would just pop in the drug store and grab some.

I passed the isle the first time and had to wrangle the extra large cart (in which Anna wanted to ride and I had already managed to 1/2 fill with stuff we didn't REALLY need) back around.  She disappeared for the moment to look at Frozen dolls and sesame Street plastic plates.  And that gave me just what I needed - time to over think the situation.

Sidebar: If you think this is going to be one of those brilliant posts (like all my other brilliant ones) about how to be a better mom and how to know and grow with your kid… sorry.  Somedays I am a mess too.  You can re-read a less emotional post by clicking here.  This is the post is more of a  "oh yeah - she really DOESN'T have it all together but I get it" type of post, possibly with some though provoking stuff at the end.

So, I am standing in the deodorant isle, and the thoughts go like this:

Oh cool, this is on sale 2/$5 perfect, wait is it both antiperspirant and deodorant? Oh, wait this other stuff says it doesn't have aluminum, but it is so expensive.  does it really work ? because we tried this same brand of toothpaste and it tasted like Prep H cream (we know this because we got the tubes mixed up once while traveling you can laugh but - don't judge- they were the same size).  I can't buy the antiperspirant because the toothpaste was nasty…crap…(I start reading labels)… is there aluminum is all of them…oh here this one doesn't but it is only a deodorant and his problem isn't stinking it is sweating definitely better to have an anti-perspirant and not a deodorant… but I guess aluminum is what makes it work must be because there are 50 brands here and only one without aluminum...am I a horrible mom for giving him aluminum… should I research this first?

The Importance of Teaching Delayed Gratification

Mamma I want…

Mamma can I have this…

Mamma PLEEEEEESE…

Taking the kids on a quick trip to the store can be at times over whelming and the rest of the time just frustrating.  The check out stand - no matter where you are - is filled with delicious goodies put at just the right height for our children's eyes, hands, and mouths.

A few nights ago, I had to run to Walmart in search of a Hawaiian Lei for Laui day at school. I did such trip during soccer practice when I "only" had Gracie (6) and Ann (2).  It should have been a quick, in-n-out trip.  Except we somehow ended up in the girls clothing isle.

Oh Boy.

My Little Pony Pajamas, Frozen T-Shirts, Pink Sparkle Headbands… you name it and my daughters wanted it.  So I responded with my pat answer "lets put that on your list".  See, ever since my kids have been able to ask for things, my response is that they can "put it on their list".  This has worked really well.

Last night, not so well.

Gracie just had her birthday.  She is old enough to realize that Christmas

"...is like FOUR months away and besides mom I didn't get a lot of what I wanted for my birthday!".

Gracie got PLENTY for her birthday, but no, she didn't get everything.    As I explained to Gracie as we walked to the car (without anything special for her), her father and I have agreed that we will not just buy our kids what they want all the time, rather we will purchase them what they need.  And we are so blessed to be able to do that!  Birthdays and Christmas are for those special things that they love.  So is their allowance.

Our dialogue went something like this:

G:  But you never buy me anything.

She says as she is wearing the new (target clearance) PE shorts that I just brought her (no joke) THAT DAY.

Me:  Look at your shorts honey. What are you wearing?

G:  But I really want those things.

Me: The world is fully of wonderful things that you and I both like.  We can't buy everything we like. We need to appreciate things without purchasing them.  Your Dad works very hard for this money and I am not going to just give it away.  So just as I am not going to give you $20 from my wallet, I am not going to just spend $20 on something just because you like it.

G: But The Boys always buys things.

Me: That is because the boys spend their allowance money on things they want. They do their chores, they save their money, and then when they want something they can decide to buy or not buy that item.

G: But I never get any money.

Me:  Well lets start keeping track of your chores and you can save for something special.



We live in a fast food, instant gratification culture.  My kids hover in the pantry and try to sneak food as I am COOKING DINNER!  I am moments away from putting it on the table and they are asking me for a bowl of cereal.  Are you kidding me? The witching hour is the worst!

But the bigger problem is clear.  Kids need to learn to WAIT for what they want.  They need to learn to be patient, and they need to learn to appreciate the anticipation of something wonderful to come.

I know many parents, and I have found myself among them at time, who don't tell their kids about fun stuff that is coming up.  They may have a wonderful play date scheduled for all week long for Friday afternoon - and they wait until 5 minutes before the play date to tell their child. Why? Well out of the kindness of their hearts they don't want the child to be disappointed if things don't work out.  But they rob their child of the anticipation, the looking forward to, the excitement of waiting for something fun.

Instead they say "Want to play with your buddy? Great, let's go".

When we ask our children to delay gratification, we are asking them to practice their self-control.  We ask them to master their bodies and temper their physical desires in the short term.  We are allowing them to practice a really important life skill!

Why is this important? I am sure I don't have to list out the social problems associated with impulsive behavior as adolescents, but let's do it for fun…

Premarital sex 

Unprotected sex

Fights

Obesity

Drug use

Alcohol abuse

Drunk driving

Infidelity

Is it really this big of a deal? Keep reading!

Surviving the Witching Hour

I love my kids.  I really do.  My favorite times with them are when we engage one on one.  Just me and ONE of them.  My least favorite time of motherhood - the witching hour.  When all five of us are tired, hungry, and cranky.  We all have a different agenda and everyone seems to need mama's help.

Before we had kids, my husband and I would cook together after work.  We would chat and catch up.  He was a great sous chef and the process of cooking was so much fun.  When I had Anthony, we switched things up.   I would wait for him to get home and entertain the baby so that I could cook, or if timing didn't work out I would cook with Anthony either strapped to my back or in a little seat on the counter (yes, ON the counter, don't call CPS, he is just fine).   As the number of children increased, I became aware that I really wasn't going to be able to carry them all, no matter how cool the sling, while I cooked.  They also really couldn't wait until 7:00 or 7:30 to eat on a nightly basis (which is what it would be if I waited to start cooking until husband came home), so I needed to figure out how to get dinner on the table with all of them around.

The first obvious answer is to get the kids to pitch in and help.

http://www.publicdomaintreasurehunter.com/2010/05/08/hybrid-content-theory-the-joy-of-republishing-public-domain-cookbooks/

That is a great solution coming from someone with no kids or with only one child.