How do you do it? Parenting multiple kids

Before this blog existed I was asked to write a guest post about raising older kiddos.  That blog is now gone so I figured I would resurrect the post from cyber-space, make it a little better, and then share it with you all.  

I have 4 kids who range in age from my ‘baby’ girl who is 38 months  – to my oldest son who is 12.  Sandwiched in the middle is a 6 year old daughter and 9 year-old son.   Two boys followed by two girls - all about 3 years apart. 

When asked to submit a post on what it was like to raise multiple kids my first thought was – it is EXHAUSTING.  My second thought was – it is HARD.  If I had a third though I am sure it would have been that it was wonderful... but generally it is a minor miracle for me to complete one thought let alone two.  I am not sure I got the that third thought until I sat down to write this.  

Parenting, when done right, is an exhausting experience – physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausting. 

Can Moms be be Smart and Good-Looking Too?

When I was about 16, we had a substitute one day in our math class.  Math was never my strong suit, but on this particular day I was able to answer a tough question.  I raised my hand, went to the board, and completed the problem.  As I walked back across the room, the male teacher commented

"Well, seems as though you are smart and good-looking too"

I. almost. died.

Right there.

In front of everyone.

The class laughed a little as my face turned a beautiful shade of scarlet.  I could feel the heat coming off my entire body. Lucky for me I was seated near the front so I was able to get to my seat fast and keep my face straight forward.  I will never forget that embarrassment.

Of all my memories of adolescence, that stands out as my most embarrassing moment.  It was worse than the time in jr. high volleyball practice when the back seem in my tight white capri's split.  That was just funny although it was pretty embarrassing.

But "Smart and Good Looking Too"?  

From a teacher?

That phrase has remained a reminder of a chauvinistic attitude that finds it odd that someone be attractive and smart.  As if it is something one only hears about in legends.

Like mermaids,  or unicorns or fairies.

Learning Healthy Habits: 6 tips for getting your child to eat greens and other healthy things

• “The other senses may be enjoyed in all their beauty when one is alone, but taste is largely social.” - Diane Ackerman, A Natural History of the Senses

Food and the process of eating is a social endeavor.  Children pick up on that notion very early in life. When approaching food struggles with your children it is imperative that you see this not as purely about taste, but also about relationships.

This is why the toddler years (ages 1 - 3) are such a struggle at the table.  During the toddler years your sweet little one is testing testing testing.  He is pushing the limits and learning about cause and effect.  This general approach to the world doesn't change just because he is sitting in the high chair.  You set a pattern of behavior for his whole life too.  Sure that pattern can change, but it is tough.  Here are some tips to help you to get them to eat something other than mandarin oranges and applesauce.

1. Set yourself up to succeed.  The first step is to eat right while you are pregnant and nursing.  I was able to live primarily on peanut m-n-ms with my 4th pregnancy.  I had horrible reflux and I was chasing a 2 and 4 year old around. When those m-n-ms came up they tasted just the same as when they went down.  I was happy.  My daughter, at age 6 now, has a total sweet tooth. And I knew better too.  My eldest doesn't care much for sweets at all.  I ate beautifully when I was pregnant with him.  Greens & lean proteins.  I was doing it 'right'.

This is important because when pregnant, our amniotic fluid is actually flavored by the food that we eat.  Same with our breast milk.  It is a super cool way of our body preparing our babies to eat food specific to our culture.

2.  Make sure they are hungry.  Letting them walk around with a box of sugary cereal up until 530 and expecting them to sit down at 6pm and eat peas is just lame.  Think it through.  Don't let them snack 1-2 hours before a meal.  That goes for juice and milk also.  If they tank up on juice as soon as they sit down at the table they aren't going to be hungry for their food.  Hungry kids are less picky.  If they are starving, give them raw veggies to nibble on while they wait for dinner.  Which brings me to number two.

2.5  Watch the drinks.   This is related to no. 2 so it doesn't get it's own section.   If you child is on their 3rd glass of milk and not eating their salad think it through.   Would you be hungry if you just drank 12 oz of milk?  Conversely, if you have a child who is putting ON weight and eating TOO much at once, have them drink water before they eat anything.

3.  Serve them veggies first.  Cooked veggie taste best warm with salt and butter.  They also cool faster than most of the other food on the plate.  We have a general rule that the kids are able to eat their veggies while everyone is gathering for dinner and finishing up the pre-dinner chores (like setting the table, getting the napkins they forgot) and while they are waiting for me to finish up that last sauce or whatever. I plate the veggies and put them on the table.  We also eat a LOT of raw veggies: sliced cucumbers, grape tomatoes, raw carrots, and salads.  I can put those on the table 20 minutes before anyone complains about hunger.  When they start smelling dinner and "need food now mom I am starving...", it is ready for them on the table.   Raw veggies won't spoil their meal, it won't fill them up, but it does get them munching and crunching on something healthy.  They aren't allowed to touch the main course or side dish until we have all sat down together and said grace.

4.  Everyone gets the same meal, but with a variety on the table.  I try to have two veggie at dinner.  Often I fail, but if I have cooked carrots for instance I will also put raw carrots in a bowl on the table. If they don't want to cooked ones they can help themselves to the raw ones.  If I know someone doesn't like peas (we have two lovers and two haters) I will open a can of green beans too.  They have to eat one of the veggies.  We try to have a salad most nights and some cooked veggie as well.  My kids all like different salad dressings and they get to dress their salads (with our help) at the table.  I don't assume they are all going to love my same favorite dressing (which changes anyway). For those with kids just recently on solid foods, let you littlest children eat what you eat.  Just cut it up smaller of course.  You may be surprised by what they like.  My kids generally didn't eat baby food.  We just cut up our food. It really does taste better than that mush in the jars.

5. Keep trying/One bite rule.  This is hard but something we do with all the kids.  Usually they have to at least TRY something.  Kids love to eat with their eyes.  I tell them "stop eating with your eyes and just taste it".  Usually they like it.  We had gluten-free pasta made from black beans and quinoa last night.  It looked GROSS.  They ate it anyway.  Sometimes I will call it slop or ogre food or something else to make it fun if it looks gross.  I hate it when I cook and cook and they say "I know I don't like that" before they even taste it.  Tastes change, so even if they used to hate something, that doesn't mean they will always hate it. So have them take a taste and keep on trying with them - especially while they are young.

Now when an older child doesn't like just one or two things (my eldest hates peas & mayonnaise), just leave him alone.  Don't make him taste it every time.  Be happy you have a good eater and leave it at that.

6.  Don't make your table a battle zone.  Give your children choices in life.  If they choose to be hungry so be it.  In our home I tell my daughter constantly

Gracie can be picky, liking something one day and not the next. Yesterday she loved broccoli today not so much.   JR will wait until dinner is almost over before he even tries anything - he seems to be holding out to see if everyone else likes it and if there is another option.  He is the one who eats with his eyes.   In our home, if they don't like it they don't have to eat it.  But, I am not throwing away good food so that they can eat something less nutritious.

With the youngest eaters food can become a serious battle zone.  Don't buy into it. Tell them "It is your choice to eat or not.  I did my part, now you do your part.  If you are hungry then eat.  If not you can just sit there."   If they are hungry, and don't have you to fight with, often they will just pick up the food and eat it.

I saw this in practice recently and it was awesome.  The caregiver spent 10 minutes trying to get the 23 month old to eat. She said "no fries until you eat the burger".  He yelled.  He whinned.  He complained.  She said "Fine.  You are all done then" and turned to talk to me.  He looked at her and picked up his burger.  He ate it all.  Not a sound from him.  And we all completely ignored him.

Sometime they will throw the food instead.  We never had food throwers.  I think it is luck.  Some kids are throwers some are not.  The few times food got thrown, our kids were automatically done with the meal.  That was it.  I suggest you let them sit there in their seat with nothing on the plate or just take them out of their seat.  They can eat it off the floor when they are hungry, or they can wait until the next meal time (your choice depending on the cleanliness of your home).

Normally I would say don't have toys and things at the table, but if you are already in a war of foods, making meal time fun can help.  Give them a few little veggies and a read a book to them while they eat.  But ignore their eating.  Make mealtime more about the non-food related interaction and less about the food itself.

If you have graduated from this stage of parenting I have another post on how you can make dinner time a great family time.

Another great source on this topic is the This Inspired Life Podcast where Kristin interviews Nell O'leary about food and family.

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Learning Healthy Habits: 8 Ways to Make Dinner Time a Happy Time

Dinner time is a social time and a great opportunity to come together and share our day, laugh, and eat.  Too often it is a battle ground, particularly if you have picky eaters or little ones, but also if you have older ones who need to brush up on their manners.

Here are 8 tips to help your dinner time move more smoothly, irrespective of your children's ages.

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1.  Get some help. I don't mean cooking.  That makes me bonkers.  Some of you more patient mothers probably have your kids cook with you.  I have other ways to survive the witching hour.  I hope someday I will be able to share the joys of cooking with them but not at this age.  I do however, call the kids for dinner about 5 minutes before dinner is ready.  They do their pre-dinner chores like setting the table, getting drinks, and carrying the plates to the seats.  I want to eat my food hot and there are just too many little last minute details for me to do it all and still eat while the food is warm.  So they help here.

2. Make sure dinner time is family time.  Most nighst we all sit together at the table. Well... we all sit down within 5 minutes of each other.  We say grace, and remain at the table until everyone is done eating.  Eating is a social thing. It is the time when we all gather to share equally.  That means no TV during dinner time unless it is a special occasion (movie night or me at home alone with the little ones!).  Turn down the lights a little and put away the phones.

Sidebar time: Let's talk about those nights alone with the little ones.  We try hard to keep family dinners but sometimes sports practices get in the way.  Those nights I get the girls bathed and started with dinner before they get home.  He eats with the athletes when they get home and usually the girls stick around at the table as long as I will let them.  Moving bath to before dinner is a little weird, but it works for us on those nights. When either he or I have our small groups or some other evening engagement, we have dinner with the family still and then leave as the meal is finishing up.  We usually don't agree to do things that start before 8pm for this reason.  If I am totally alone with the kids for the night I will change the schedule completely and do something like a picnic or a movie night to keep things from being totally overwhelming. 

3. Structure the conversation.  We do high/low and take turns talking about out day.  Each child has the opportunity to say what the high was from their day, and also their low point.  It is revealing, it is community building, and it also makes sure that our more talkative kids don't dominate the table talk.  Dinner time is often the "high"for the young ones, which just exemplifies that it isn't all about the food that they are eating.  It is about being together and sharing life as we break bread.

4. Teach them a polite way to decline eating something.  Nothing ruins dinner time faster than having your family reject that which you spent time cooking.  Particularly before they have even taken a bite. Not every thing we cook is really good.  Let's face it, sometimes we make lovely meals, other times they are just edible.  And still other times, well, we have to go searching for left overs in the fridge because the dinner on the plates was as Anthony would say "an epic fail mom".  In our home we have a phrase "I am not a big fan of this". It turns the situation away from "this is gross" to "it is not for me".   Some kids have pallets that are just harder to please.   As my pickiest is fond of reminding me -  "Everyone has different taste buds mom".  But kids do need to be taught how to politely decline the food. So teach them a non-offensive phrase or a subtle way of telling you that the food isn't agreeing with them.  It can be verbal or non-verbal.  Also encourage them to be ninja-like when they tell you.  All it takes is one kid gaging on a pea to set all the other ones into fits of "oh gross" - even if they would have eaten it.

5. Have some rules about what happens after they taste it and then tell you that they don't like the food.  They don't have to like it all and it is unrealistic for us to think they will.  Some families make different meals and cater to their kids individual tastes.  I don't.  Our kids can eat what is on the table or choose to be hungry instead.  That said, when the kids have choices at the table already, it increases the likelihood that there is something they will like.   Therefore we usually have two veggies to choose from and they have a meat and a side.  If they finish everything up and they are still hungry they are free to eat unclaimed leftovers from earlier in the week.

6. Eating family style vs. Plating the dinners.  When I was growing up we always ate family style.  We passed the food and everyone ate while the food was hot.  In our home we got into the habit of plating our meals.  This helps with my husband and my portion control,  and allows me to get the pots and pans soaking while we eat.  We have less dinner clean up, and a faster dinner because everyone is ready to eat when the plate is on the table.  I don't think one is better than the other, but consider the other option if you are in a rut.

7. Eating it all vs. eating until you are no longer hungry.  This is a tough one.  Our kids are required to eat all their veggies. This isn't an issue, because they like veggies.  They don't have to finish anything else on their plates, but uneaten food gets wrapped up for later.  Sometimes it is eaten, other times it is eventually tossed.  But if they come back to us an hour later wanting food, they know where to find it.    I am not a fan of throwing away perfectly good food so that they can eat something they think tastes better.  I am also not a fan of teaching my kids to overeat.

8.  Post dinner clean up.  It isn't over until it is clean. generally, the younger ones clear the table, the eldest rinses and loads the dishwasher.  They wipe down the tables and counters and even occasionally sweep.  I personally think the cook should never have to do the dishes.

Here's to a great dinner tonight! Thanks for stopping by to think with me.

Calling for a Do-over

As a kid playing four-square, I thought it was so cool that we could call for a do-over.  You would work so hard for that King's Square, and to loose it because of a bad serve or a mis-step.  That just didn't seem fair.

In our home we have a phrase 'Hitting the Restart Button" and we can hit that button at any time.  Often when one of the kids (or all of us!) is struggling I will just pull him aside.  I will point out that his behavior, for what ever reason, has to change. We are just going to "hit the restart button" on our day.

This means two things - His behavior has to change, and we are just going to forget everything that led up to the present point.   No more complaining about how others wronged him first.  And no more complaining from ME that I have told him a bazillion times to stop doing whatever.  We both start new and fresh with a hug.

I saw a bumper sticker once which proclaimed

There are No Do-Overs in Life

Well, actually there are.

Certainly you cannot actually un-do the effects of most mistakes.  Every action has consequences.  But as Catholics, we know we can take our mistakes, our sins big and small, to Christ in the confessional.   He washes us cleans with his love, we complete our penance, and we start fresh.  He loves us that much.  And I think that is pretty cool too.

Next time you find yourself or your kids having a rough day, take the chance to hit the restart button.  You don't have to wait for the sun to go down - Restart your day whenever you need to. Take a deep breath.  Ask for forgiveness, or give someone else that forgiveness.   And Restart with Him and his love and forgiveness in mind.

Character Building Experiences

Growing up my dad used to call the tough-times "character building experiences". Those were times like when we sunk a houseboat, the family got the chicken pox, or when we re-roofed the house (ourselves) during a heatwave and the temperatures hit 122.  Or the time we went back- packing and got dropped off at the wrong location so we had to double-time the hike to make it to the rondevous point in time. Or the time the car broke in the boonies (in Africa) and my dad repaired the radiator with our chewing gum.  

You know - character building.

By the time I left for college I was chalk-full of "character".

This week my husband and I had another such character building experience.  My mechanic called to tell me my engine was shot. Broken beyond repair. I was devastated.  Not just because I loved my pilot, buy also because the thought of replacing it with A MINIVAN (!) made me cry.

But I did the sensible thing and got over it.  We got the minivan a few days laster, got a great deal, and had the car towed to a family member who is in the business of selling cars. He had it detailed and had his mechanic look over it so that he could figure out what our best course would be for selling it.

And his mechanic said "oh I can fix this".

Wait what?

Catholic Conference 4 Moms

Shortly after I started blogging, my friend Molly, who had recently moved away to Minnesota, emailed me to ask if I knew of any Catholic Women's Conferences, or any Catholic Conferences for Mothers that were national or online.  I was really new to the cyber-world and didn't know of anything like that although there maybe have been such conference.  But now I know about one! Rather than just emailing Molly to let her know, I figured I would do a very short PSA of sorts.

What is a virtual conference?

A virtual conference is one that is done online.You can register up until March 5th.   When it goes live, you get an email link to the talks.   You choose 5-6 talks each day to listen to at your leisure.  The next day you get more talks.  And so it goes for the 4 days of the conference.  Registration literally took 5 seconds. You put you name and email address and zip code.  That is all.  If you missed the March 5th deadline, you can purchase the talks  (here) after the conference and watch them on your schedule.  Be sure to enter the coupon code 'peer' and you will get $10 off the package.

What if I want to listen to it again later or watch more talks?

After the conference ALL the talks are available to purchase as a bundle.  You can watch other talks, you can re-watch your favorites, you can get a women's group together for coffee and watch one - what ever.  They are yours.  You paid for them.

Why do it?
Why not?  You are busy but we all have 24 hours in the day.  So register and see what time God is going to make for you to set aside and grow a little.  Connect a little.  If it stinks… move on to the next talk.  Maybe one will really resonate with you.  And most days all I really can handle is one big thought anyway!

My women's group has been slowly making our way through the ThriveMoms presentations.  They are similar online presentations but without the Catholic voice.  We watch one as a group and then talk about it.  It has been very through provoking and also a great way to grow deeper as a group.  Some talks resonate with me, others not so much - but each of them have touched one of us in a unique way.

Make the most of your 'free time' this weekend and check out the Catholic Conference 4 Moms - then let me know what you liked!  I will be tuning in with you, in between soccer games and meal preparations!

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Raise a Spiritual Champion: Book Review of Revolutionary Parenting

Revolutionary Parenting is a very digestible book filled with facts and stats on a sect of the population author George Barna calls "Spiritual Champions".  These are adults who were raised Christian, and who not only practice their faith, but live it.  He points out that parents have a bigger influence in the lives of their children than anyone else, and churches alone in fact don't have much influence.  Therefore he set out to examine and report on the specific parenting practices that are associated with raising children who grow to be Spiritual Champions.   In Revolutionary Parenting, he shares the research process, the research itself, and helps parent/readers to identify specific things they can be doing to help raise their children to walk in the light of Christ.

I could not possibly give you the results of his study - the How To list -  as much as I would like too.  When I reviewed 1000 Gifts,  it was pretty easy to give you the short and sweet answer to what you should do to live a more thankful and joy filled life.  Be more thankful.  But it was reading the book however that helps one come to realize HOW they can actually BE more thankful.  Barna's book on the other hand is almost a How To parenting book in a different way. You aren't transformed while reading it.  You are equipped or maybe reminded of the importance of some things you have strayed from.

This is a short (158 pages) book that is densely packed, yet easy to read.  It is practical and grounded in science.  It is well formatted with short chapters that build to the How To List.  Here are some take home points so you aren't feeling deprived.

"…every single Revolutionary Parent we interviewed agreed that the most important focus one their children's training was the development of a godly character (p46)". 

Important ares of parenting on which he expounds…

Parent provided structure with stability and continuity

Letting the church help but not lead

Focusing on character of the developing child

Being flexible and finding what works for individual children

Forming genuine relationships

Influencing friendships

Curfews and discipline

Media use

Parents acting like grown-ups

Absolute truths

A service mindset

Faith as foundational

Love as a Method

Prayer life

Choosing Christ

Trust

Positive family environment

I highly recommend this book. I don't have any sort of a star system, but suffice it to say I read it, I loved it, and it stayed with me.  It was recommended to me by another super-smart-Christian mom who loved it so much she actually BOUGHT me a copy.  If you want your own copy you can use the Amazon link on the left of my page. I will keep it up until my next book review.   Let me close with my favorite quote from Barna.  It gives you a nice flavor of his no nonsense but practical writing.

"Parenting then, is a never-ending process of learning more about God, ourselves, and how we can enhance the quality of the lives He has entrusted to us" (p133).