A Good Enough Advent: No more Advent fails

This time of year, as advent draws to a close, it is easy to have a heavy heart about what I call my Advent Fails.  The advent wreath that was lit once (yes once), the mad scramble to purchase gifts, spending more time making sure thing are even and balanced under the tree than on the thoughtfulness of each gift, the prayer journal that has many, many more blank pages than it does completed ones, and the utter exhaustions that comes from running at sprint speed for a marathon season.

But take a minute (just a minute because you have cookies to bake), and give yourself a break.  Look into your heart and ask yourself three questions –

Have I spread Joy?

Have I sought Peace? 

Have I shown Faith? 

Have I brought Hope?

God doesn’t care if your advent wreath was lit each night.  God doesn’t care if your packages have perfect bows. God doesn’t care if your house is adorned in Christmas lights.  What counts this season is what is in your heart, and how you show that to those around you. 

Today I was determined to bake gingerbread men with my girls. Why? I don't know. It seemed like a good idea.  We are gluten-free so baking in rare and more complicated and generally less satisfying that it used to be. But I found a recipe... and two hours later I was near tears. Stupid stupid stupid gingerbread men. I don't even like gingerbread. I don't know how people make them so pretty.  Mine are sticky blobs. And then my sweet third-born said "Mama that is the best gingerbread Santa I have ever seen!" My girls didn't care that they were ugly blobs. They were having fun.

Intentions count. So does attitude. God knows what is in our hearts.

I am not saying blow off Advent, quite the opposite - Strive for more, but strive for the right things and the right reasons and realize that there is no such thing as a perfect Advent because should all be striving towards more. Strive to have peace in the unrest. Strive to keep perspective about gifts and giving. Strive for what is really important. So we didn't get the nice lights up outside. Oh well. Maybe we can take some walks around the neighborhood instead and enjoy their lights. 

Strive to do a little more, but also a little less of the stuff that distracts you from preparing your heart for His coming. If we do this right, then each year we may feel like we want to do just a little bit more spiritually than we did last year - and that is a good thing. 

Be intentional about what you do today. Maybe you bake gingerbread cookies, maybe you don’t.  Chat with the Lord throughout the day. Pray while you bake or wrap or shop. Buy a little meal for the guy on the street with a sign. Don’t make it complicated. Spread joy, seek peace, show faith and bring hope.

And hey, if you don’t light your wreath this year, finding Advent candles will be one less thing you will have to do next year when the season comes back around.

Being Present in Mass Despite the Chaos

Photo Credit: Ben White

Each year on Thanksgiving, I wake up, get the turkey ready, and then I run off to morning mass - by myself. It is the only day of the year I intentionally attend mass alone. But I need it.

The rest of the year I am in mass with my little ones. Currently ranging in age from 4 - 13, my little ones are at times quiet and respectful during the service. No scratch that.  They are, most of the time quiet, but we are still working on the respectful part. When my oldest alter serves he is definitely quiet and respectful. The rest of the time... well it isn't always pretty. But I digress.  Despite attending mass weekly and during the school year twice a week, they struggle to get through the mass. They act like a bunch of children.  Which they are.  When the big ones were little ones, I used to to dream about the time when they would all sit quietly and listen attentively. I don't know if that time will ever come.

Here are the two truths - they are the only two things Mom's need to know about surviving mass with children.

1) You aren't at mass for your children's benefit. You are there for YOUR benefit and YOUR relationship with God. Sure it helps to set a good example. But you are His daughter and He has requested your presence.

2) Jesus said "let the children come to me".  God wants them there, present, with you.

I have read countless pieces of advice and given a little advice of my own, on how to survive mass with children. Top tips include having special 'quiet' toys or books for mass time or leaving them in childcare, taking children out of pews, keeping children in pews, sitting close to the front, standing far in the back, whispering and threatening and kissing and, well, spanking. I have found that the best influence on behavior for my children was just time. Once they started kindergarten at our parish school, and start attending mass weekly with their class, they really seemed to get the hang of it. I know that is not super comforting to the mama of a 15 month old. Sorry.

Although The Baby still likes to pretend she is sleeping and thus she can't participate, and my older boys just can't seems to keep their hands to themselves, I can say we have graduated to a stage in family life that we can survive mass without turning red in anger (or embarrassment), or having to pull children out of the pews. Most weeks. It isn't because of any magic parenting voodoo I perform. Quiet the opposite. I mentally check out to what is going on besides me and mentally check into what is going on before me. Because even once the children can sit in the pews, they are still super distracting. So I had to carve out special time and lay down some ground rules.

My older children have learned NOT to interrupt the Homily to ask mommy about what is for lunch (or whatever). They do NOT interrupt me when I am kneeling in prayer. And that is pretty much it.

"Are you more important than Jesus? Because you are interrupting and we were just talking"

"Did Jesus ask you to ask me that? Because I am pretty sure he inspired the priest to give us this homily and now I am missing it? Wait your turn."

Now every family is different and we can't check out mentally the whole mass, but having these two times as really sacred times in mass, when I can really be present, makes the rest of the mass much easier. I do the readings before we come because I get them sent to my email In-Box via Blessed is She each morning. I have already taken a few minutes to read and reflect before I even get out of bed. If I miss a little of the responsorial psalm because I am separating the boys (already!), then that is less of a big deal. If I have to take The Baby to the bathroom during the offering I am fine with that. If someone has kicked off her shoes, whatever, I really don't care. In the grand scheme of things it isn't worth getting worked up over.

I am here for Jesus & Jesus wants us (even the kids) to be here.

So relax. Take a deep breath. Go over the readings before you arrive. If you attend mass with a spouse talk about carving out your special time during mass when you really expect the children (and spouse) to not interrupt your time with God. With a little intentionality maybe you can learn to become really present in mass despite the commotions around you.

Thanks for stopping by!

Transitioning through the Transitions of Parenting

"Enjoy these times…. they go so fast"

When the midst of battling a 3- year old who won't use the potty, a 2-year old who insists on standing in the grocery cart, a 16 month old who refuses to eat anything but applesauce, or getting up every 3 hours to nurse the baby, it can be hard to really appreciate 'these times', and they certainly don't seem to be going by fast

My father-in-law said something like that once and I responded by responded (with love and gentleness in my heart that I hope came out in my voice) "What was so great about when your kids were young? Do you even remember those times?" and he chuckled admitted that part of life was a blur. Much like the hours or days of a mother's labor, the early years of parenting thankfully are often a blur for parents and children alike.

Children don't actually have the capacity to remember the early years because their brains aren't developed (click here) in that area. And it is a good thing too. I think our children's rate of brain development is a gift from our Lord so that they can't hang those early parenting mishaps over our head "Mom, remember when you…"

Appreciating the early years of parenting can be a challenge because parenthood is just so exhausting. Once you have been through a challenge or milestone with one child, it does become easier to appreciate that challenge with subsequent children because you enter into the circumstance with both experience and perspective. As you encounter a tough stage you have the recognition that you WILL get through this. It was so helpful, when struggling with Gracie and the "blending" on her homework, for me to remember how much I struggled with JR.  He HATED reading aloud to me. He HATED sight words.  We made up a sight-words tickle time to get through it. So I took a deep breath with Gracie and reminded myself that in a few weeks or months this wouldn't be our daily battle. She has now joined her brothers in making me crazy if I call "lights out" because like me, they all obsess about books.

Just try to keep things in perspective. The things that are a struggle today won't necessarily be a struggle tomorrow. Most kids are potty trained before school starts. Your children will be too. If they don't like carrots, keep trying but also give them peas. They won't always need help packing their lunches for school.  They will learn to read, and write, and add and subtract.  And they will eventually sleep too.  Although walking them through many of these things will become less difficult for you.

Christy from Fountains of Home wrote about the difference in a parent's perspective on newborn sleep from the 1st baby and the 5th. She writes:

"I remember staying up at all hours, rocking, nursing, shushing her and completely believing this was how the rest of my life was going to play out. I would never sleep again. Ever. And I believed that with my whole being.

Because it was my first baby and I had no concept of a baby's insanely fast growth and the heightened speed of time once you have children, and thus could not fathom a time where my child could ever function, let alone sleep at all, without my constant attention. Sure, I was completely exhausted and irrational, but the thought of ever sleeping again seemed to be at similar odds as an alien landing on my lawn."

Christy speaks a truth that resonates with us all as we venture through a new tough season of parenting.  Maybe it is parenting a hormonal teen, or a sassy 6 year-old.  Some of the seasons end more quickly (due to our awesome parenting?), other seasons we just muddle through hoping it is just a stage and not the new normal.

For those who are stuck in a really tough time - a house fire, a divorce, grieving the loss of a loved one, job struggles, a really sick child or spouse, or other really hard times, your stages are different and I just can't speak to that. I can only pray that the larger the struggle and the longer the battle, the more grace God will poured over you. And at some point, God willing, you will have the ability to look back at the sleepless nights and gallons of tears shed, and you will be a beautiful example to others. You will have survived that nasty season of life.

In 20 years, we may look back at our earlier years of parenting with some nostalgia, but for now as I look at my friends with littler ones I can smile and think "I am so glad we are past that stage".  And when I am in some tough stage itself, I am trying (with God's abundant Grace) to appreciate the struggle for what it is, and how it is shaping me, knowing it won't last forever.

Thanks for stopping by and hang in there!

Tattle-Taling on your friend's kids: 11 quick tips to make it easier

We all have a point in our parenting when our children do something awful around another family's children. If you haven't had that humbling experience yet - just wait. Your time will come. I have been called to the carpet about a number of poor child behaviors, everything from having boys who are too rough, to little girls with potty-mouths, to kids of all ages who like to take their clothes off in public. At the same time, I have found myself in situations where I have had to address less-than-pleasant behavior by children that don't belong to me. Generally when the children (who are all works-in-progress let's remember) act inappropriately and the parents aren't there, I just address it with the children. I am much more comfortable telling children "we don't do/say that in our house", than I am calling a friend to tattle-tale. But some of us aren't comfortable correcting other people's children, sometimes it just isn't appropriate to correct them, and sometime you do correct them and the problem persists. Below is a list of Dos and Don'ts when addressing your friend regarding her child's behavior when your friend was not around.

The Do's and Don'ts

1. Do... Think about whether this is really a big deal? Pray about it and listen to the Lord. If you think you should proceed, then pray again before actually making the call.  A great prayer is "Lord give me the words to speak. Please open her heart to hear my love".

2. Do... Talk about it before an issue arrises. If you are around a friend's children on a consistent basis (traveling together? carpools?), ask them first how they want you to handle the inevitable. Do they want you to address it at the time or do they want to address it themselves? This also gives you the chance to tell them your preferences too and opens the door for more friendly conversations when problems arise. I recently asked a friend and she wisely and honestly responded "I don't want to know anything about little sibling bickering. I already tell them to be nice to one another all day long! It will mean more if you just tell them".

3. Do... Be complimentary ."I know you are really on top of your parenting and would want to know".

4. Do... Stick to the Facts. Come right out and say what the actual problem is without emotionalizing the situation or rationalizing anything.

5. Do... Provide context about what happened.  Were the kids bickering all day before your child hit hers or did it seem to happen out of the blue.  Were they telling jokes to each other and trying to be funny? What happened right before the naughtiness? Had you asked them to stop? How much did you witness?

6. Do... Recognize you live in a glass house.  Today it is your friend's child but someday it will be your own child. Our kids are works-in-progress as are we! Keep that in mind especially when it comes to raising an issue. Is it really a big deal?

7.  Don't... Blame older siblings.  This makes it sound like the parent doesn't have a handle on what older kids say (which we usually don't -but still don't say that!), and implies that they maybe let things slide with the younger ones.

8.  Don't... Assume this is an ongoing problem about which they are aware.  This really may only happen when you or other parents are around.  Pointing out "I am sure you know..." makes it all the worse if they did NOT know.

9. Don't... Assume this is something that they aren't addressing at home.  Usually parents are very aware of their own children's faults. They may be very frustrated that their tactics at home are not working. If this is something that you have addressed before and their child persists in naughtiness, what makes you think they could fix it easily if they just knew?

10.  Don't... Preface it with how you feel. "I feel so bad, I am so uncomfortable, I don't want you to be mad..." Just tell them the problem.

11.  Don't threaten. "I want our kids to be able to still hang out but...(but if this continues they can't)" You don't even need to complete the sentence to be offensive. This whole line of thought sends the message that a. you wouldn't otherwise take the situation seriously, b. there is a likelihood that the child is going to keep being naughty, and c. your child is too good to be around their demon child. Generally not ideas you want to convey to your friends.

Recognize we are all on the same team. You can't and shouldn't be the only adult guiding your children's actions. We all have the same general goal of raising good citizens that we would someday want to spend extended periods of time with. Make sure your conversation conveys that 'team' attitude and comes from a loving, nonjudgmental heart, and I am sure it will go well.

One-on-One: Making the most of the moments

A few years ago I found myself in 'parenting' conversation with a stranger. Her children were older than mine by about 10 years and she was telling me about The 12-Year Trip.  She and her husband took each child, at age 12, on a vacation of their choosing.  Beyond the fabulousness of being able to pay for that (cha-ching!), I found myself thinking of all the great places my little ones may choose.  My husband, the realist, decided that was a little extravagant for our family.  "Besides if we have money to do that let's just take a trip alone". Which we did (read about it here). And it was awesome.




I didn't, however, forget the notion of The 12-Year Trip, and when I found out that a trip to Las Vegas was going to be necessary for my son's soccer team I admit I was probably as excited as he was.  Although it has been a pretty good year for us, the idea of getting him to myself for three nights was really attractive.  I generally attend all his games, but I usually have his sisters (and sometime brother too) on the sidelines. The idea of a weekend 1:1 interspersed with soccer and food and some Las Vegas shenanigans was pretty cool.

Seriously who looks more excited?

One-on-one all my kids are fabulous, but as a crowd they can be a little much at times even for their mother. Just sayin' what we all feel. As a family we do what we can to steal away 1:1 time with the kids. My husband does daddy dates with the girls.  He also coaches JR's team now and they get lots of time away together.  He drives the carpool for Anthony's team giving him a chance to debrief each week as well.

I take lunch to the kids at school once a week. Their lunch times are back-to-back and I can sit at their table, share the meal and chat with them and their buddies.  If we want we can take the meal outside and sit alone which we do about 1/2 the time.

When Anthony left our parish school and started attending the local charter school, I lost my lunch time with him. We still have plenty of time together in the car, but often he is doing homework and his sisters are almost always around. He is up later than his siblings so we still get more time alone with him, but I am usually exhausted then.  As he grows physically in stature I am faced with a a physical reminder of the reality that my time with him is limited.  I feel as though I am going to blink and the next thing I know I will be packing his bags for college.

With this in mind, his soccer trip became OUR soccer trip and I planned out some great fun for the two of us.  We ate at the buffet, he rode his first roller coaster, he played soccer, rested, played more soccer and ate more fabulous food. We were able to do what we wanted without negotiating the desires of four other people and I was able to appreciate a kick-back attitude that I rarely notice at home.  As the eldest he is full of opinions on how we parents his siblings and we were able to talk those through just the two of us. I pushed him though his fear and made him ride his first REAL roller-coaster.  We found an amazing patio overlooking the strip for our last dinner in town and we had a wonderful meal with his coach's family.  I goofed up on directions (I zigged when we should have zagged) and we wandered and wondered and just had fun together.  For the first time, my son really experienced a real vacation- not just a family trip.

Taking him on this trip solidified something between us.  He is on my side now in a really cool way and I am appreciating it as long as it lasts.  Our time together let him see my humanity in a way that I don't think he sees often enough at home.  At home I am the cook, the cleaner (sometimes), the taxi driver, the shopper, the babysitter... I fill a number of roles and responsibility. This trip gave him a chance to see me aside from all of those roles and I was just me. I laughed, I loved, I supported, I ate, I wandered, I was easygoing. I didn't have to wipe noses or cut up food or worry about nap times or doctor appointment.  I could have a glass of wine and watch a football game with my son and just hang out. I could venture out for a morning cup of coffee and to his delight bring back a bagel for him to nosh on in bed.

One-on-one time with your growing ones is a beautiful gift.  As they get older that 1:1 time becomes ever more important because they are able to pay attention to who you actually are when you are not being pulled in 100 different directions.  Being a middle-child, I don't remember getting good 1:1 time with my parents until I got married, had a child, and moved away. They came to visit and it really was the first time I had more than a few hours alone with them. I cherish those days we had together and I hope Anthony remembers this trip and all of our special moments together.

How can you carve our special moments with each child? What special memories do you have of 1:1 time with your parents?

Thanks for stopping by!