The Happiest Parents Have A lot of Kids!

Or at least that is what the popular press is reporting.  I was shocked that they were covering it at all, but not so surprised that they got the results just a little wrong.

As a mother of four, I was thrilled to hear about Dr. Harman's findings out of Australia's Edith Cowan University. Often when the news reports research in my field, I go straight to the source and have a little chat with the study author. It is a perk of having the letters P H and D after my name. Dr. Harman sent me copy of the actual study summary and we went back a forth a few times about the research.  Although she said the results being reported are a little misleading, it appears as though we do have evidence that of "the more the merrier" really is mostly true but maybe not in the way you think.

Dr. Harman conducted a 5 year research study with the goal to explore the relationship between resilience, social support, self-esteem and life-satisfaction in parents, (source). Dr. Harman found that mothers of four or more children were the happiest group of the various family types. She did not however find that mothers of four or more were happier than mothers of say two children, or less happy than mothers with eight kids, because she didn't compare family size, but rather family type.  Dr Harman writes in her summary discussion

Overall, mothers of large families with higher self esteem were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. One interpretation of these results is that mothers of large families feel supported (older children helping younger children, for example), but may lose their sense of self.

Dr. Harman said that mothers of larger families overall had higher self-esteem.  They basically feel like they are doing a pretty good job and are well supported. They also were more likely to report greater life satisfaction. She speculated that they may loose their sense of self in the process - she didn't measure that quantitatively, but collected some qualitative data that directed her to that conclusion. But that loss of self is still associated with greater life satisfaction so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about having to drive the dreaded mini-van (for more on that click here).

The next great question is of course

"Why do lots of kids correlate with greater life satisfaction?"

Dr. Harman was sited in The Sydney Herald in August (2015) as stating "The parents usually say they always wanted a large family, it was planned that way, and it was a lifestyle they'd chosen".  So are these parents who choose this lifestyle just a different 'type' of people?

Yes, actually. That seems to be at the crux of this study comparing family types.

As a mother of four myself, and friend to many mothers of four or more children, I can say as a lay person that parents like those in the study who have been purposeful in having a larger family are likely couples who have chosen to take an optimistic and hopeful approach to parenting. I am not speaking of research here, but rather experience when I say that these types of parents tend to able to embrace the beauty and joy of parenthood and delight in their little ones. When discerning whether or not my husband and I felt our family was "full" with just the three, my mother pointed to my (then) 2, 5 and 7 year olds and said she could think of 3 reasons why we should have more kids... Gracie, JR, and Anthony.

Parents who choose large families, don't let fear prevent them from loving another child.  They love with reckless abandonment and choose to leave a family legacy not of human 'replacement' or social reproduction, but of human expansion.  

I recently got caught up reading about the War of the Roses in England.  Truth be told, I was reading historical fiction (not real history), but one thing that struck me in the novels was the love and appreciation that people used to have for large families. Large families were the ideal and each child was embraced as a blessing. There are many social reasons for this of course, but I found such comfort in that attitude which permeated the (then) Catholic society, whereas I find the current cultural (secular) attitude to be isolating. In present American society, the stereotype is that couples with many off-spring either don't know how babies are made, or they are too ignorant to stop it, or they are socially and financially irresponsible. A couple couldn't possible want more than just a few of these little people, right? Children are not seen as a gift, or a blessing, or something to cherish. They are approached as one more thing on a checklist of lifetime achievements and something to accept in moderation.

College (check), job (check), spouse (check), house (check), 

kid one (check), kid two (check), vasectomy (check).

Large families are more chaotic, but that chaos doesn't descend overnight. We grow into the noise and the chaos. We start with one (or maybe more) at a time and slowly re-adjust our family life, then we add another and re-adjust, and then make room for another, and another. Good parenting is about adjusting and shifting as our children grow and mature.  In our adjusting and shifting we too grow.  Growth is constant when you have a larger family and living a little off balanced allows us to turn to one another and to God with great regularity, often resulting in a closer knit family.

Large families require both parents to be completely committed to the family. In order for large families to really function you have to have both parents really involved. Although the division of responsibility can still be fairly traditional in many of these families, large families require that dads participate in the daily raising of the kids, even if that role is as mom's cheerleader. All of the children learn how to pitch in and help out, because just one person can not possibly do it all.

This study is great evidence of something that those of us with large families have known all along. Having large families is great for our mental and spiritual health. Yes it is messy. Yes it is crazy. Yes, it is hard. Yes, we have to loose ourselves in the service of others, but all parenting is messy and crazy and hard. There is no shame in loosing a little of ourselves to make room for more love. The love that we share in a family grows exponentially with each child we welcome into our home. And with love comes happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. There is so much to say on the topic and space here was limited.  I hope this research sparks conversation and as always, thanks for stopping by!

For more on raising multiple kids check out this post (click here).

How To Teach Your Child to Read - The Beginners Guide

The internet is filled with pages of people offering parents advice on how to best teach their children to read.  They offer endless items to purchase so that you can truly be prepared to give your child a life-long love of learning... with this item or that... all for the low low price...

I am reminded of the horrible Baby Einstein videos that had mothers hooked years ago with promises of making their babies smarter. According to decades of research, plopping your infant in front of the TV is the exact opposite of what you should do. Similarly, the research on kids emerging literacy doesn't support any of those "tools" or videos or video games or workbooks. In reality is, if you want to help your children learn to read, or better yet develop a life-long love of books, there are only a few things you have to do and they don't involve buying a single thing. Pair these 3 tips to teach you child to read with the 3 tips to develop a love of reading and you have yourself a life-long lover of books.

3 Tips to Teach Them to Read

1. Teach them that each letter has a sound & teach them the sound each of the letters makes. They need to understand that each letter represents a sound.

2. Teach them the blending sounds, for instance 'sh' 'th'  'bl' 'st'.

3. Read to them aloud and have them follow along to see you put this blending into action. Have them practice sounding out the words with you once they have the first two steps down.

3 Tips to Develop a Love of Reading

1.  Read to yourself.  Get a good book, put your feet up, and dive in.  Seriously.  Modeling reading is the most important thing you can do.  Kids need to see that books are worth YOUR time.  They need to see that you find value in the written word.  They will model your behavior so do you want them playing on a phone or iPad or reading a book?

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last

The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  

I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  

You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?

Letting Go So that You Can Grow

As I knelt in the pew and tucked my chin to pray I stole a peek at the little form curled up on the floor. Her head resting on the kneeler, her blanket draped casually over her little shoulders.  She looked up and gave me a pacifier masked smile. And I breathed in God and His peace.  This is my space. This is where I connect with Him.

Getting up to go to Mass is tough.  Going to Mass with an energetic preschooler is even tougher.    There are bathroom needs and drink needs and it is just so hard to sit still.  I saw one friend pull her 3-year old off the choir bannister this week after the little girl had shimmied her way about 1/2 way down towards the altar.  When I was many months pregnant with JR, Anthony got away from me and darted down the center isle during the consecration.  I stayed in the back terrified he was going to go straight up those altar steps. He rounded the altar and ran back up the side aisle into my shaking arms.  I was so furious and so embarrassed!  The priest wasn't troubled in the least.

As a newish mom, I was worried about doing everything right in the eyes of others. I was the first one in our family to have kids (on both sides) and I was very aware of the watchful but silent judgment of others. I didn't want my kids having pacifiers outside of their beds & certainly not as they grew into preschoolers.  I didn't want my kids eating in Mass - Mass was for worship not snack.  I didn't want my kids bringing toys or turning their backs to the altar even it if was so that they could lean into me and get a little closer.  Now as look at my little love curled up quietly, I rejoice that I don't care so much about the judgements of others.  I don't care if people think my daughter should be kneeling next to me, if people think she should leave her blanket in the crib, I don't care if they think she shouldn't have her bag of cereal or her water bottle - I am there for God, not for the person next to me or behind me or in front of me.  Anna is quiet and comfortable, and I am able to rest in the presence of our Lord.  That is pretty amazing.

Letting go of the judgmental thoughts I have of myself, and those that I speculate others may hold, gives me an opportunity to change my focus away from what my daughter is or is not doing, to focus on the cross.  Every thought about how others perceive me is a wasted thought that could be spent on Him.

I have been blessed with a few kids who like daily Mass. It is quiet, it is cool, it is peaceful. Once the older kids tumble out of the car we have a chance to take a deep breath.  If Anna isn't going to preschool herself, she often asks to go into the church for Mass.  I think she asks because of the peace.  It may have to do with the lollipop she gets after Mass, but I also think it is because she is comfortable there.  She can sit with her 'lovies' and just relax while I pray.  After shouting and tears and spilt coffee and forgotten lunch boxes it is a luxury for us both to just be at peace in God's presence for a few minutes before we really start our day again together.

The time will come when she will be required to full participate in the Mass.  Daily Mass is in some ways easier (it is shorter) and in other ways harder (it is quiet!).  Daily Mass is a stripped down Mass and a perfect training Mass as she learns to be still.  In Sunday Mass we require a little more of her but she has siblings setting an example of how she is to behave.  What she is learning in daily Mass is that Mommy needs Mass.  Mommy needs God's word.  Mommy needs prayer time.  Mommy needs the Eucharist.  She can color or lay on the pew or curl up on the floor - as long as she lets me connect with the Lord at His table.

Next time you find yourself wanting to do to Mass and thinking it is too hard with a little one (or 3!), give yourself a break.  Loosen up your rules and let go of your own judgements about how kids have to behave.  Let your little one bring a book or crayons or dolls or a cookie- what ever it takes so that you can sit with God, even if it is for just part of the service. At the end of the week, you want their Mass memories to be positive (or at least neutral). You need to be able to relax connect in order to make the most of it too.

So relax, let go of the fear and self-judging, and let yourself grow closer to God.

Thanks for stopping by!

Potty-Training Tips from the Trenches

Once, when standing in line at Costco, Anthony told me "I have to go".  I had just loaded a carts-worth of food onto the conveyor belt.  The checker did not yet have my card. There were people behind me and he was an arms reach away blocked in by a cart in the front and one behind. We didn't have many options at that very moment. And then he made it really clear he HAD TO GO... and he left a trail of pee while I ran with him (still in the cart drawing attention to us with those noisy wheels) all the way from the check-out to the bathroom.

Potty-training is a trying time, a physically exhausting time, a time when you have to scratch your plans, your schedule, your other duties, to wash undies and change sheets and clean floors.  But if you do it when you are mentally and physically prepared to take on the challenge, you can do it faster and in a less complicated way. Here are five tips from the trenches to help it go more smoothly with less tears from everyone.

1. Intentionality.  Being intentional is the first key to a quick potty training experience. Push the fluids, fill their bladders, give them lots of watermelon to eat - whatever.  The more chances they have in the day to pee the better likely they are to succeed.

2. Dress for success.  Well, really undress for success.  Don't make things complicated.  If you have a little girl, give her a little sundress to wear and skip the undies (while at home) for a little while. If weather permits, let them run around in the back yard without bottoms for a while.  For that first day they may not even realize that they are peeing. Once they realize how their bodies work, they will be better able to make it to the potty in time.