Teaching Forgiveness: The Practice of Saying I'm Sorry

My 4 and 10 year old were in the car the other day.  It was about 15 minutes after some sort of brawl (which are unfortunately common in our household of six). My 10 year old was sick and my 4 year old was…well… being a 4 year old.  What happened with the brawl doesn’t matter, but needless to say I was showing the strain of multiple days with sick kids and I was feeling less than charitable myself.  We were sitting quietly at the stoplight on the way to get the other kiddos at school when 4 year old Anna broke the silence. 

“Shashah?” (that is what she calls him), “I sowwy”.  

He responded “It’s okay.  I forgive you”.

All of the strain and exhaustion left me with that simple exchange.  She was FOUR YEARS OLD and she knew that she was in the wrong – for whatever it was.  She knew he was hurting because of what she did.  She knew how to make it better. 

It isn’t because she is an exceptionally tender child or because she is intellectually brilliant.  It isn't because her mom is trained as a child development expert. It is because she has seen the behavior modeled in our family and she knows how to repair a relationship. 

Psychologists will warn parents not to “make” kids say they are sorry until they can really understand the concept of what it means to be sorry for their actions.  When our older kids were young I tried hard not to force the "I am sorry".  By the time Anna came around, the other kids were modeling the behavior and she was expected (by them) to apologize when she made a mistake. Because of this she has picked up this concept of reconciliation and forgiveness better than any of them!

We haven't always, but in our family we now require apologies when someone is wronged.  They don't have to be elaborate, and they don't have to happen right away, but they need to happen once the kids are calmed down. I don’t think you can expect a 4 year old to apologize for pulling her sister's hair when they are both still hysterical… but once the tears are wiped away there is a  practice of reconciliation that must happen between the two parties. Whomever is in the wrong (usually both of them) need to apologize for their actions and ask for forgiveness. Kids don't always want to do the right thing.  That is one of the reasons why parents are so important.  We have to teach them. 

"He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God" -St. Faustina

Saying your sorry isn't a big deal - unless you never learn to do it. 

We need to give even our youngest children the babysteps towards understanding what it means to say sorry, and that starts with the words “I am sorry” and “I forgive you”, coming from our mouths. Some of you are pretty close to perfect, but we are all bound to make a mistake every once in a while. When that happens you too need to fess up. Apologize for tugging a little hard when you comb through those tangles, apologize when you mix up the lunches, apologize when you knock over the books or keep a child waiting when they need something.    

Children are like little sponges soaking up words, attitudes and behaviors. They model everything, cognitive, social, and emotional behaviors alike.  When the whole family adopts a behavior and the children practice it, they eventually internalize the actions.  The younger they start, the more normal it becomes. 

Just as we require the kids to eat their veggies and brush their teeth and wear a seat belt, we too should require them to do things like apologize - to both seek out and provide forgiveness.

Families are a beautiful place to model forgiveness and parents set a great example of mercy in practice. Setting up a culture of forgiveness in your home has both short term and long term benefits.  The practice of asking for and receiving forgiveness is more that just a life long habit too.  For Catholics, the art of forgiveness is enriched through the sacrament of reconciliation and is soul-saving.  As St. Gregory of Nyssa said, "May we never risk the life of our souls by being resentful or by bearing grudges".  For now take little steps.  Say your are sorry.  Encourage your little ones to make amends and forgive freely, and prepare yourself for the many graces of God that come from this practice.  

Focusing on Today: Being a Bricklayer

I hate to admit it, but I have felt a little directionless. That is really hard for a PhD to admit because really the one thing you HAVE to have in order to finish a doctorate, is a plan.

I suppose you could call this my midlife crisis.  The Baby is entering 5-day a week preschool in the fall and the other kids are all in Go Mode.  Life is running along smoothly now that I have my surgery behind me (for that story click here) and my health is good. We have hit the reset button with home expectations (because we really really really let some things slide while I was recovering) and things are just fine now.

Which leads me to say "Okay, Lord what now?".  Now that we have closed the door on having more children, I am feeling a little lost.  I have spent this season reflecting on the best ways to use the talents the Lord has given me, while still really heeding His call to live out my vocation as wife and mother. This is the first time in a long time that I have found myself without a legit 'plan'.  

I am not so naive to think that the plans mean much in the long run, but plans give me some comfort.  I know it is a Illusion of Control, but a good plan makes me feel like I have direction... like all my hard work is moving towards some greatness.

And here I am with no plan.  Instead I have daily, weekly and monthly To Do lists.

Finally I went to adoration and had the chance to really talk with Jesus. 

"Jesus? What's the plan?"

"It is my plan not yours. I am constructing your spiritual house.  You are merely the bricklayer while I am the architect.  You place the bricks where I tell you to put them, but you don't need to know the Master Plan. Just put each brick in place, one at a time."

"Ugh.  Well how am I supposed to know where each brick goes?  We need windows, and support beams, and doors..."

"Prayer.  You come to me in prayer each day and I will tell you where to put that brick."

I know some of us (or maybe just me) get pretty caught up in the long term plan, and forget the holiness in the daily tasks that the Lord has given to us.  The day to day challenges frustrate us because they block us from achieving our larger goals.  Sometimes the lesson for the day is found in how we rise to those little (or big) challenges.  Those little challenges can give us pause and reason to raise our eyes to the Lord and send up a plea for help.  They cause us to stop and assess and reassess.

Sometimes we get caught up in the day to day and we forget the master plan.  But other times we get so focused on the master plan that we forget to grow in the day to day.  We get frustrated when things don't go according to plan.  We worry about the plan.  We fail to recognize that God is the one in control and sometimes Our Plan isn't the same as His Plan.  

Think of those thousands of people who worked to build those huge churches in Europe. They worked for generations, brick by brick, often never to see the end result.  But they knew where to put each brick.  That is what mattered.  Where does THIS brick go right NOW.  

In today's world, parenting is the one task where we work and work and work with the full knowledge that we will never (hopefully) see the end result.  We pour out time and energy and most importantly love - to a cause (our child) that will continue to grow and develop long after we are gone. We will send them away with a foundation for their own life, and they will learn to be their own bricklayers for The Master Builder and Architect. 

So today I taking it one brick at a time.  When God gives me time to write, I will write.  When God gives me time to read and study, I will read and study.  I will pray and try to listen more and talk less so that I can really hear Him when He tells me where to put that brick.  

Do you strive to be the Master Builder or are you content to be the Bricklayer?

Thanks for stopping by!

Beauty for Ashes: A retreat recap

Well Friends, I am back.  A little blogging break, unintentional but necessary due to continued rest and recovery, sick kids, spring breaks, birthdays, and a little retreat planning thrown in as well.  But after an amazing retreat experience I am back.

The first Blessed Is She retreat has come and gone and it absolutely rocked my world.  Over 150 women from across the nation gathered together to rest in His word, His presence, and His sisters.  We had amazing speakers and some pretty good food too.  Here were my highlights...

1- Music by Ike Ndolo and Rachel LeBeau... We got them all weekend!  And for the closing time and adoration they were joined by some musicians who used to tour with Matt Mahr... The price of the retreat ticket was worth just the music alone!

2.  Sisterhood & Sisterwives.. So we are all sisters in Christ right?  We are actually Sisters in that we are daughters of the King... but we are all called to an intimate relationship with Christ as well.  He is our beloved.  And in some way that sort of makes us a special kids of Sisterwives.  We are all lovers of the same Christ. I got to meet some friends that I had connected with only online.  I got to meet new sisters in Christ and got to grow closer with old friends as well.

3- Being surrounded by True Beauty.  The fabulous lady in charge of food and decoration (not me) had a vision of beauty for this retreat. It was a hippy-ish, outdoor-ish, fresh and natural beauty.  We hung hundreds of vines from the ceilings, had twinkle lights all over, and handmade flower crowns for the attendees.  And these ladies wore the crowns all day - like for 14 hours!  Looking out at the beautiful faces crowned with flowers and shining with love of Christ was glorious.

4- Mass with a bunch of Chicks instead of with my little chicks.  I went to a women's college and I know the impact that being around women all day has.  I had never really thought of that in terms of mass however.  The priest (who was just amazing by the way) was able to really tailor His homily to US - to Women - and it was the best homily I have ever heard.  He spoke of Jesus as our protector in such a beautiful way.  And I wasn't distracted by my little chicks like usual so that helped too!

5- Adoration... Being in the presence of the Lord is of course The Highlight of the weekend, but we actually had a whole day to prepare our hearts for him.  Unlike my usual popping in to visit Him in the hustle of the day, this adoration followed a day of reflection, of praise and worship, and mass.  Our hearts were softened all day and minds were turned to Him.  We were ready for Him.  Confession was available during the day and so for many women they were able to do confession, mass and adoration all within a few hours.  We were longing to spend time with Him.  And then the priest totally rocked my world when he brought the monstrance around!! We were able to touch the hem of the cloth that surrounded the monstrance and gaze upon Him 1:1...it was amazing.

If you weren't able to attend the retreat this year look for it again next year.  It will be small and intimate again. The speakers were great this year and I am sure will be great again next year.  Heather Renshaw gave the keynote and you can hear it here.  If you aren't connected with Blessed is She online yet go here to get the daily devotion and the weekly note from Jenna, the Beautiful Soul behind this ministry.

Thanks for stopping by!

When should my child start school?

In The Land of Triple Degree Summers, one if the biggest issue for expectant parents is how to keep the mamma-to-be as cool as possible.  Being pregnant in 115 degree temperatures is not pleasant. For those whose children have summer births, concerns over temperatures morph into concerns about when to start school. Most schools accept children who are age 5-6 for kindergarden, some will accept children at age 4 as long as they have a late summer or early fall birthday.  This presents the school with a situation where a kindergarden class can have children who range in age from older 4s to younger or middle 6s.

To start or not to start... That is the question...
Private schools (and maybe public too although I don't know about them) seem to be going through a trend of suggesting that kids delay starting school. Sometimes it has less to do with individual readiness, but more to do with the schools test-scores and performance.  Schools want older kids. They want children who will perform well. They want kids who will sit in their seats better, follow directions better, listen more attentively - basically kids who are older.

The problem comes in when these older children are seated next to younger ones. You can have kids who differ in age by as much as two years seated side by side.  And there is a huge difference between a 4 year old and a 6 year old!

Like with most big parenting decisions, the choice to start or not to start is one that should be made after considerable thought. There is actual research on this subject too. The opinions and experiences of others is invaluable, but other peoples opinions are person specific and biased, so I figured I would share some of the actual research here. 

First off, boys and girl are different (shock, gasp, I said it) 
and so my advice is tailored to gender.   

Boys who are on the cusp (late summer/fall birthday) and just turned 5, will generally do better if they wait a year to start. Boys tend to be less socially mature, have a harder time sitting still, have a harder time with the fine motor skills.

Ways to Give as a Family

Practicing the Corporal Works of Mercy is important for us all. Setting an example of service and showing your kids that service is rewarding spiritually, is a lifelong gift and an important life lesson. Below is a list of ways you can serve as a family as well as a list of organizations that are ready to accept help.

Serve those in need within your 

community and beyond

Give Alms to the Poor

Collect alms from the neighbors you know and send money to an international agency like
Catholic Relief Services (click here) - Rice for Life - Create a rice bowl for those in need.

Burying the Dead 

Attend a funeral mass.   You don't have to know the deceased in order to attend and pray for the repose of his/her soul.  Pray for the departed. 

Visit the Sick

Make cards for people in a local Alzheimer home or for children in the local children's hospital. 

Feed the Hungry & Give Water to the Thirsty

Feed My Starving Children (ages 5+)
This Christian non-profit offers the opportunities for families and groups to work in 2 hour food packing sessions. Children and adults work to pack food boxes which are then shipped to distribution centers and ultimately to families in need throughout the world.  Click here to register.

Paz de Cristo (ages 12+)
A faith-based non-profit which provides food, clothing and other assistance to those in need.  Their evening meal service and food boxes provide over 50, 000 meals monthly to people in or near poverty.  Volunteers are welcome to come assist in the evening food preparation and service to those visiting for meals. See website (click here) for additional information and to register to volunteer. 

Tempe Community Action Agency (click here for listing)
Interfaith Homeless Emergency Lodging Program (I-HELP) (all ages)
-IHELP provides meals and lodging on an emergency basis at various churches in the valley.  Families can help prepare and serve meals on location, or help with providing snack bags for the participants.  Additional help with bedding and laundering towels is also needed.  For more information, contact Marcus Ziegler, I-HELP Program Manager at 480-350-5892.
Home Meal Delivery (all ages)
-Families pick up food at the senior center in the morning and deliver the meals to a number of locations.  Some additional training and certifications are generally required and a commitment of 6 + hours a month is requested.

Community Gardens (all ages)
Do you have a family with green thumbs? Do you have kids who love to dig and need to be outside? Contact Leilia Woodard (480-882-8324 ) to see how you can help with the community Garden at Paz. Opportunities are seasonal.

St. Vincent de Paul (click here for a variety of opportunities) 
Feeding the Hungry (ages 8+) 
- Nightly opportunities to feed the hungry at their main campus 420 W Watkins St.
Hearts and Hands (all ages)
- Children do a variety of things including making centerpieces or cards, filling shampoo or soap bottles, and decoration the facility for the guest who come to receive services.
Dream Center Kids 
- volunteers act as tutors or lead children's activities during the dinner hours.

Maggie's Place (all ages)
Maggie's Place is a Catholic non-profit that provides food, shelter, and training to pregnant and parenting mothers in need.  They currently have six houses in the Phoenix and Cleveland areas and are exploring expansion opportunities in Dallas as well.  Each house has monthly "Serve Saturday" when volunteers come to the home ready to work in a variety of capacities.  In additional to the Saturday help, volunteers are needed to make meals, babysit during group meetings, teach moms a new skill set, clean house, wash cars - really do what ever needs to be done at the time.  Please contact the home nearest you to find out what is needed and to schedule a time for your family to come serve (link provided here).

Salvation Army's (shelter dependent)
This faith based organization provides a variety of services including hunger and housing relief as well as other  programs such as their prison ministry and veteran outreach.   With opportunities to serve worldwide see their website (click here)  to find the closest shelter and best opportunity to serve.

UMOM (all ages)
This faith-based organization provides a number of resources to individuals and families in need.  Operating the largest shelter in phoenix, their resources are vast as are their needs for volunteers.  Volunteers must attend at training session and be pre-approved before serving within the program.  Their Read to Me program welcome volunteers of all ages. For more information on their needs, as well as the age requirements for the different areas to serve, see their web-site (click here). 

Families Giving Back
Maintains an online calendar of volunteer opportunities for children.  See their up to date volunteer opportunities(click here), including both regular opportunities as well as individual one-time events.

Thanks for stopping by!