At risk of leaving some of you with the thought "what CAN I say then?", I thought it may be helpful to write a short post on what NOT to say to a teen. Now there are plenty of other phrases that are bound to send the average teenager into a rage, but if you avoid the obvious ones, and then also maybe these less obvious phrases, you may find life with your teens to be pretty delightful.
Although there will be vast differences in specific phrases that cause a rise, here are some general lines I have heard parents use (and have used myself), without the realization that they would immediately invoke a negative response.
What NOT to say to a Teen:
“I know you don’t think we don’t know anything but…”
Problem - you put them on the defensive.
Instead try "In my experience..."
“We never had this issue with your sibling”
Problem - You need to judge your child on his or her own merits, it isn't a competition.
Try instead "I haven't had to deal with this as a parent before. Let's try to work this out together..."
“You probably think you know better but…”
Problem- It is belittling.
Try Instead - "We bring different experiences to this problem so let's talk this through together"
“How many times do I have to tell you to do X…”
Problem - It is a snarky rhetorical question and likely to get a snarky answer.
Try Instead - "Hey - Do X now please ."
“I realize you don’t want to talk right now but…”
Problem - They are turned off and you know it.
Try instead - Talk to them later, or simply interrupt them nicely and let them know you need to talk asap.
Teen can be tough, but living with anyone is hard. As adults we learn to pick your battles.We can not fight about everything. Recognize your teens need independence and space to make little or big mistakes while still under your gaze. Let them get the detention for the longish hair, or wrinkled uniform, or missing homework. And then follow through with your expected consequences rather than being on their case micromanaging every moment of their life.
Lastly, timing is everything. Trying to talk to have a hard conversation with teens when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired is really just provoking your teen into a fight. Feed them first. Connect and recognize their anger/emotion. Give them a place to lay their head and just rest for a moment.
Teens are big kids in adult like bodies. Their brains are still growing and they need us to be understanding of their imperfections. So file away in that fully formed brain of your, these key phrases NOT to say to a teen, and maybe things will run a little more smoothly in your home.
Thanks for stopping by!
For more on teens check on this post on teen tantrums (here).
