How to get a Handle on Teen Tantrums
Teens can be a bit of an emotional handful, a little like they were in the toddler years. It is a time of emotional highs and lows and their growing frontal lobe of the brain has a hard time keeping up with the overactive emotional center of the brain. When we can recognize their struggle and approach their frustrations with intentionality, it can help reduce the frustration of both the adult and the teen. Learning to connect with the upset child and then redirect him or her ((Siegel and Bryson), can be very helpful for the youngest to the oldest children in the house.
A teen experiencing a tantrum generally desires to be seen, heard, and understood. Frequently the source of frustrations seem to have clear solutions to us, so it can be tempting to diffuse and instruct. Because teens are striving for independence however, swooping in with obvious fixes for their struggle is not often met with gratitude.
Instead, recognized and accept their emotional load. Show them you see and hear whatever emotion it is they are being overwhelmed with.
”That sounds really hurtful/frustrating/unfair/sad/confusing etc., or
How did that make you feel? or
“that would have made me feel sad/mad/confused" etc.
Listen
A teen temper tantrum, much like a toddler one, can be about attention, or exhaustion, or occur for no reason at all. Provide them with an opening to share, to connect with you, to be vulnerable. Sometimes when teens tantrum they just need a hug, or need to have a good cry. Other times they will want to continue to vent. Allow them some space to vent in whatever form they want.
Too often parents try to jump into the emotions and escalate the tensions of a teenage temper tantrum, or they ignore the emotions and as a result end up cognitively disconnected.
“You just don’t understand” or “that won’t work” is the common response in these circumstances. If you hear this often, you may want to change your approach.
Parents need to let the teen feel all those big feelings before guiding the teen to switch on the logic side of their brain. The executive functioning or control center of the brains the last part to develop. The teen brain is not able to switch from highly emotional to highly logical just because a parent commands it to do so. Emotions need to run their course.
After they have emotionally exhausted themselves through the venting process, we are able to help. When we try to prevent the expression of feelings the teens end up either emotionally stunted, ashamed, confused, and unable to process emotions in a healthy way.
Once we have connected with the emotional side of the teen’s brain, you have achieved as sort of intersubjectivity which lays the foundation for helping get them redirected logically to find a solution. We have established we care, we understand, and we are on their side. At this point our teen will still be in distress, but will be more willing to get guidance and direction from you.
De-escalation
Once the emotions are expressed and you have listened, try to work towards de-escalation. Recognize their emotions and do not argue with them even if you do not understand it. Sometimes the emotions are misunderstood or mislabeled by the teen. Jealousy can be interpreted as dislike, rejection interpreted as hate, feeling overlooked interpreted as unnoticed, and without the frontal lobe to reign in the flurry of emotions sometimes the emotion is just our of proportion.
A word of caution - once the teen has moved towards being solution focused and have moved away from the purely emotional, be careful you (or someone else) doesn’t move them back to the emotional. Siblings, friends, or well meaning spouse will sometimes enter into the conversation late and draw them back into the emotional, but this is now counter productive.
When we are the bag guy
When our teen is angry with us or we are the source of the frustration, again we can help by listening to them, and trying to help them process their emotions rather than arguing with their logic. Remaining as neutral as possible, keeping as calm as possible, and attempting to connect to the emotional side of their brain will help them see that although you disagree with them, you aren’t uncaring.
Hearing their feelings on the subject however does not mean that you now need to acquiesce to their demands. Be clear on your expectations, that you recognize this makes them angry/sad/frustrated, but that this is a non-negotiable. Or if there is flexibility, you can let them know where that flexibility lies, and move forward together towards a solution.
It's a process
Lastly, recognize that dealing with frustrations is a learned skill. If you give in to your teens tantrums, or leave them alone to work it out, you are abdicating one of your parental responsibilities. Just as you need to teach them how to use manners and be responsible for their things, teens need to learn how to deal with big emotions. At one point when my oldest was about 13, he just collapsed in my arms in tears and said “I just don’t know why I am so angry all the time”. They need to understand what is happening with their bodies, with their hormones, and how to handle those hormone rushes. They also need to be able to determine if a problem is really a problem, or if they are blowing it out of proportion.
By connecting, listening, letting them vent, and then problem solving together, you are able to walk them through the steps and provide scaffolding for their social-emotional growth. For more on tantrums, and when to walk away versus intercede read this...
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