How Well do you Handle a Tantrum?
One of my clearest early memories of parenting was when my (then) 3 yo son had a massive tantrum over brushing his teeth. Without thinking about it, and much to my husband's embarrassment, I pinned my son on the bed (almost sitting on him) and put my hand over his hand and we brushed his teeth together. His mouth was foaming with the toothpaste and he was mad - but he never again said no to brushing his teeth.
My husband just shook his head at me and made a comment about my persistence, but instinctively I knew what researchers (M. Potegal & J. Green) now say is the best approach to deal with a tantrum.
How to Handle a Temper Tantrum According to Research
According to the researchers, a parent’s response to a tantrum should be different if the child is simply mad, versus being disobedient. You can not let children use a tantrum to get out of following instructions, but you should let them express their anger.
Before we talk more about parent response, let’s break down the elements of the toddler tantrum. A tantrum is composed of two things - Anger and Distress. Distress is pretty consistently present throughout a tantrum, although there will be spikes and points of emphasis that change and then taper. Distress is there along with the anger and actually and outlasts the anger.
My now 13 year old would throw the fiercest tantrums of all. They were short but so strong that I recorded them from time to time - for research purposes of course. In one particular video if have up on the blog facebook page (you can watch here) she is standing in the middle of the kitchen and is screaming, and yelling, and turning away from me, and then after about a minute doesn't really calm down, but she decides she wants me. She isn't as mad as she is just distressed at this point. So she comes over and hugs my legs and she finds her thumb and takes some deep breaths. Then I pick her up.
And this is pretty much how the tantrums would go. She had two older brothers who really didn't have time for her fits, and a mom who had no interest in her display and was mildly humored by it because she was normally such an easy child. But when has exhausted herself and decided she needed me, I was there. She was free, in the meantime, to scream it out, express that anger, and then hug it out. Before I proceed I will admit that frequently there were older siblings laughing at the adorable tiny 2-3 year old screaming her head off. Even now as a teen, when she is upset, frequently someone will get her to laugh through her tears.
Laughing at the child is NOT the best way to handle most temper tantrums. That just makes them more angry. Neither is trying to reason with the angry child - at any age. Just file this away for when they are 17 and furious. Rationality and anger don’t go hand in hand.
The best way to handle a temper tantrum may be to just let them be angry. Their reason for the temper tantrum however should guide your response. If they are mad just to be mad or because you did something like turn off their show, and the event is over, then let them tantrum. If they are tantruming to avoid something, you need to make them physically do what you have requested. And then after said activity is completed (teeth are brushed) if their tantrum continues, walk away.
For instance pretend they are angry because they thought they had a soccer game and they don’t. Well this doesn't require any response from you. Let them be mad and disappointed and just get on with it. Let them scream and cry and blow off steam. Walk away. Turn on some music. Ignore them.
This is what psychologists call aptly enough Planned Ignoring and it is a good solution in most situations that don’t require a response from you. If you struggle to implement Planned Ignoring, I suggest talking to them in a quiet, calm, reassuring voice. “Yes I hear you and I see you are very mad. I don't understand it, but we can talk when you are calm. No you can't hit the (dog, cat, baby) but here throw this (pillow?). Okay you are the floor now. Careful with your head there.”
If however they are tantruming because they don’t want to wear clothes, or brush their teeth, or pick up their toys and you have insisted they do so, this requires a completely different response. You can not allow their tantrum to delay what you have asked them to do. The quickest and most effective way of diffusing these tantrums is a hand-over-hand approach.
“This is your chance to show me you can pick up the toy -
if you do not do it yourself right now, I will help you pick it up”.
And then you physically take their hand, and with your hand over it, you make them pick up that toy. You do not do it for them. You do not let them delay. Children do not like this as it takes away additional autonomy which they are trying to express in their temper tantrum.
Tantrums are just part of growing up and not anything to be ashamed of. We all have days where our emotions seem to get the best of us. If you have a tantruming toddler, hopefully with a little intentionality you can help him or her to pass through their anger with greater ease next time.
God Bless, Good luck, and Thanks for stopping by!
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