After receiving a nudge from an instagram follower seeking for more on this subject, I realize I need to swallow my insecurities and share the things that help. Because teaching your children to be respectful is just one of many critical lessons that must be repeated and revisited throughout their childhood and adolescence.
Here are three things to keep in mind and try to apply to your situation:
1) Having a spouse point out the disrespect you receive makes it less about you, and more about the attitude of the child. If you can get your spouse to point out the disrespect, it will make things less about you, and more about changing the child's behavior. When you see your children be disrespectful to your spouse, gently correct it in the moment.
2) Allow their feelings, but mend their actions - children in the early childhood ages, when we first see disrespect crop up, are generally not being disrespectful to be mean. They are being transparent. They are frustrated. They are mad. They don't like us sometimes. And that is okay. What is NOT okay is to slam doors, ignore us, or wave us off.
3) Help your child to understand and label their feelings, then express them in an appropriate way. Frequently the younger child has experiences or emotions they don't know how to handle, and you are a safe place for them to project those emotions. Instead of getting angry, coach the child to feel and express in healthy ways.
Younger children often are simply reacting without awareness of how much hurt they can inflict. Unlike the younger children, adolescents are capable of understanding your perspective and how their words or actions are offensive. Older children often use disrespect as a weapon with intentionality. Therefore the two ages should be handled differently.
Here are some phrases to try with younger children who are disrespectful:
Stop. Take a deep breath. Please try to tell me why you are upset.
How can I help you right now?
Can I help you by… ?
Why are you ignoring me?
Why are you angry?
Do you feel I am being unreasonable now?
When you ignore me, it makes me think you don’t value me.
Older children (tweens/teens) should be gently corrected, but given a little more latitude out of necessity because you have to pick your battles. Maybe you ignore that last eyeroll because they are actually doing what you asked them to do. Use less words, be more direct, but keep your emotion as neutral as possible.
Please don't speak to me in that tone of voice.
We don't slam doors.
If you have something to say I am ready to listen.
I can see you are disappointed/angry/frustrated, but my decision is firm.
If you are angry we can talk later.
What you just said was cruel/unkind/inappropriate.
When the older child is calm and things are at least neutral, try to address the issue again. Before you talk, take a few minutes to make sure your expectations are clear in your own mind, and are realistic for the current situation. Open the conversation with the recognition that what you are currently doing is not working, then ask the teen to be part of the solution. Listen to their input. Be very clear on your expectations. Try to come up with another plan together to meet those expectations and re-evaluate it at the end of the week or month. Do not ask for input if you aren't willing to adjust, as this will make it worse. Be clear that you are adjusting how the teen will meet the expectations rather than adjusting the expectations themselves.
This isn't working for either of us...
I notice you get upset when…
My expectation is that…
We need to come to a better plan…
I need X from you…
Although Dealing with Disrespect is frustrating, it is part of all healthy family life. We are going to get angry with one another because we live together. We are going to disagree and have both good days and bad days. It is a bigger sign of trouble if your child is NOT expressing normal emotions. This is in indicator that they are failing to process or unable to express their thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Children of all ages should be taught to express their natural feelings, but to do so in a healthy and constructive way.
Good luck and God Bless!
