A few years ago I asked one of my kids why he never mentioned one of his friends anymore. My son waffled a wavered a little, and then said "because he is really kind of a jerk mom". I thought the kid seemed nice. He was always polite, he made eye contact, came from a christian home, and I like the parents. But when I came to being friends, it turned out my son had made a good choice.
After a brief conversation about the friend break, I had a new respect for my son and the decision he made to distance himself from the friendship. I was also glad we talked because I really needed to stop encouraging their socialization.
It got me thinking about the subtle (and not so subtle) indicators that a friendship is unhealthy. Prior to middle school, children are unlikely to form healthy, firm and lasting friendships. They may enjoy being together, but the higher social, emotional and cognitive skills required for a healthy friendship typically will not emerge until later childhood.
As children enter the double digits, they become capable of being more discerning of their social circles and who they spend time with. Sometimes those friendships are healthy and other times they are downright toxic. Here are 7 things to consider, and to help your children consider when thinking about their friendships.
1. The friend is jealous or isolating or bad mouths your child's other friends.
2. You notice your kid feels worse (not better) after being with friend.
3. Friendship is on the friend's term, rather than being mutual.
4. Your child has begun to avoid wanting to spend time with the friend.
5. Your child makes excuses for the friend's behavior or poor treatment.
6. The relationship lacks reciprocity. The friends is always taking, but not giving back.
7. Your child stops mentioning the friend.
If you are worried about your child's friendship you can start with some simple questions:
Who did you hangout with today? Do you like spending time with him/her? What do you like about the time you spend with him/her? How do you guys usually spend your time?
Balancing opened ended questions with yes/no questions can get the conversation moving and help you to better understand the nature of the friendship. For more on nurturing healthy friendships subscribe to Season 4 of Parenting Smarts Podcast. The episode on friendship will be one you want to share with all your friends!
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