The Mathematics of Love
The question of having enough love to go around is something that permeates the mind of many expectant parents who already have a little one at home.
If you find yourself worrying about this, know that you are not alone, and there is no shame in the fears you hold. Take comfort in the many many mothers who have been in our place and given birth to many children and come to realize the fundamental truth:
Love multiplies, it doesn't divide.
Our energy, our attention, our finances, those are fixed to some degree although somehow those too seemed to operate with some sort of supernatural growth in our home as well.
With each additional life you bring into the family, you bring another soul into the world to love and who will love in return. Our hearts are enlarged as our families grow and our capacity to love depends. There is no scarcity of love.
Your firstborn is given a new role as sibling. S/He will be taught to share, to 'love' even if you don't 'like', to fight and reconcile, to forgive, to communicate, to think of others, to grow in patience and to love with wild abandon. The bond of brother or sister is unlike that of any other relationship. Once you and your husband are gone, your child will have another adult with a shared history. Different but similar. They will have the same stories told from a different point of view.
Two children, growing the same home, with the same rules and same family culture, will be very different from one another. I think it is in this difference that we see the possibility of loving both deeply without competition. You just can't compare your children because they are so different and wonderful in their own way, created for two different and unique purposes in this world.
Furthermore, at different stages of growth some children are easier than others, and that can change as they themselves develop. My third born was the easiest child until she hit 12. I am desperately hoping we return to that ease as she moves into young adulthood!
I recently heard a religious brother speak about community and he reminded me that family is like purgatory - it is the place of our greatest joy and our greatest suffering. This is true for our children as well as the adults in the home. Our relationships with our family members help us to grow in virtue daily, hourly, sometimes moment-to-moment. We learn to love, to forgive, to receive forgiveness, to grow in patience, temperance, prudence. To paraphrase St. John Paul II, is in the context of the family we learn to give and receive love. We learn to love one another, not because we particularly like one another in the moment, but because we love the family unit of which we belong. I have told my kids more than once - when you fight it hurts ME more than it hurts your sibling. Be kind to your sibling because you love ME, even if you are angry with them. Reconcile with your little brother because he is your family, not because you want to be his best friend.
As we embrace these daily lessons on love there are of course some practical things that we can do to set our families up for success, particularly as we adapt to the huge changes of having a new baby in the home. Here are 7 practical tips to help ease the transition, and make everything in the home run a little more smoothly.
7 Practical Parenting Tips
1. Just say YES. Learn to say YES as much as you can, even when you need to say NO. The best way to do this is to learn to do what I call deflecting: "Yes, I would love to do that. We can put that down on our list of things to do" (or something to that effect). So we say yes, but not right now. It is similar to what we do when our kids ask us to buy things for them. Rather than saying No, we say "Awesome idea for your birthday/christmas list. Let's right that down". You affirm the idea even when it isn't possible at the moment.
This is a way for you to help your child of any age, to grow in their recognition that you are not there to be their slave, you have multiple responsibilities, you desire to help them meet their goals, wants or desires, but you are not always available to them on a 24 hour schedule.
Older children can be part of the process to figure out how to make things happen. "Yes, I would love to do that. I am doing X right now, but when do you think we could do Y?". Or "Yes, that sounds like fun thing. Can you find out more details about it?" Our children have been involved in searching for vacation homes, restaurants, parks, hours for stores or museums and more. There are often little things they older ones can do that involve them and help them develop skills, and give them a greater awareness of how complicated things can be. Often they come to the "no" answer themselves after doing just a little bit of research.
2. Enjoy Together Time. Include your older child in your home duties or routine. Bigger siblings can be a huge help with laundry, kitchen duties, or helping get things for baby (or you!). Reinforce how much you appreciate the bigger sibling's help. Let him or her know the specific things you value "I love how you pitch in and help me with the laundry each day" or "I am so thankful to have your help with this clean up". Do not emphasize that things are harder or busier or more difficult with baby. Focus on the ability and skill of the big kid, and your delight in being with him or her.
Be open to time together, rather than constantly striving to have 1:1 time with baby, and 1:1 time with older sibling. One-on-one time with your child is awesome and will happen naturally. If you are try too hard to cultivate 1:1 time initially it can be frustrating for you and the older child. The reality is that now your life occurs as a family. Your baby doesn't know any different. Your older child will adapt. As your schedule allows, perhaps during baby nap time, you can work some individual time for big brother or sister into the daily schedule. Try to protect the things in your schedule that are most special to you both, maybe it is a story at bedtime or playtime in the bath, then let go of the other things and be ready to create new special time together as a trio.
3. Breathe and Count. Little ones need to be taught how to deal with the frustrations that come with a change in family life. Specifically, it can be very frustrating to have a sibling messing with your things. My son loved legos and nothing was more frustrating for him than having his brother come mess with his building. As baby becomes mobile s/he can be an irritant to the older siblings. I taught my oldest to count loudly when he was frustrated with his little brother. It is a classic psychology tip to help people of all ages to deal with anger (stop and count to ten), and prevents them from simply lashing out or yelling "mom" all the time.
4. Sharing and Not Sharing. If your older child is struggling with the little one, give your first born a small place or space where little hands can not reach for their special things. It is not unreasonable to want to have some privacy or special things that are not shared. This is especially true when we consider how rough little ones can be, or that some of your older child's toys may not be safe for the little ones (think choke-ables). Have a space or place where your older child can keep some of his or her special things, that aren't designed for the baby, or that are particularly special.
5. Create a New Flexible Routine. Your new routine should be flexible to adapt to the evolving schedule as needed with baby. One of the most difficult time for new moms is when baby needs to eat, but toddler or preschooler wants attention. Plan for that and have activities on hand that can engage the siblings while you are occupied.
One thing that worked well for me was having a special activity I could do with my toddler while I nursed the baby. For instance, sticker-time while I fed the baby became part of our daily routine. I loved these sticker books (click here) by DK publishing because there was just the right amount of words vs. stickers, and the stickers did not stick well on OTHER things. They have a bit of a puzzle type layout and are great for preschool aged spacial reasoning. We are also huge readers, so reading with the toddler or older siblings during breastfeeding time helped immensely. This nursing pillow (here) was a lifesaver for me because I could almost be handsfree with baby and able to hold the books. Some of my favorite books are Emily Wilson's new board book for girls, Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Curious George.
6. Stop the Guilt. You did not do anything wrong. A sibling is a gift to the whole family. Put the guilt behind you and recognize that the Lord has a design for your family that will help each member grow in holiness. Part of that plan for your holiness is the family life, and all the joys and struggles that come with raising children. Part of God's plan for your children's holiness, includes a shared family life. Embrace it. Trust in the Lord. Rather than focusing on things you wish were different, look for evidence of God's love for your family everyday. Holding onto the guilt is not only damaging for you, but it can foster resentment between the children. Do not apologize for giving your older child a chance to practice patience or any of the other virtues (i.e. I am so sorry you had to wait while I changed Baby), but rather compliment him or her when they act virtuously (i.e. You did such a great job waiting so patiently!).
7. Don't Force it. For some children, having a baby in the house is the best thing ever. They dote on the baby, the want to play with her, hold her, feed her.... other children really don't care. Some of these differences are due to age, but most of it is just temperament. It does not mean that the children will grow up especially close or distant. Don't worry about it. How a child adapts (or struggles to adapt) to a sibling is no indicator of how close the children will be in grade school, teens years, or as adults. Their lives together are hopefully going to be very long, and you don't need to force a friendship. Friendship will evolve if you encourage the growth of virtue in your individual children.
If you are struggling in a particular way and this post hasn't helped as much as you wanted, find me on Instagram and send me a message. I am here for you. You aren't alone in this!
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