Are You Raising an Entitled or Enlightened Child?
When I was growing up, anytime my siblings and I would grumble about wanting something, my father would reply, “Want builds character”. His response typically elicited deep sighs or eye-rolls from the children, very similar to the sighs and eye-rolls it elicited from my children when I repeat those very same words. I remember mumbling under my breath something to the effect of “I have just about all the character I can handle”.
Want Builds Character
Like any good adage, this one is grounded in truth. Want or desire is not inherently bad; the desire to have what we cannot immediately have provides fertile growth for a variety of virtues. When we have unmet desires, it can spur us to work harder, to reflect on our priorities, and to be grateful for our needs that are met. Conversely, when we are given everything we desire and left without wanting, our capacity to grow in patience is diminished, our expectations for others are unrealistic, and we adopt a sense of entitlement rather than a posture of service.
No matter what you provide your children, they will still want more. It is not possible to meet every desire because as humans our appetites are insatiable. At some point as parents, we have to say No. This is about more than just saying No to your children. This is about teaching them to recognize the difference between want and need.
When we get into the habit of giving our children what they want, but do not need, we fail to help them make a distinction between what is necessary and unnecessary for a happy life.
When we give in occasionally, we actually reinforce a behavior. Researchers have found that intermittent rewards are the strongest way to increase a behavior. If you want your child to keep asking – give into their requests some of the time. If you never reward their requests, they will stop asking. The worst thing you can do with kids, is to give in to the cry “I want this” every once in a while. They will only ask for more and more and more.
This doesn’t mean children should never have special things. Setting up parameters for special gifts is a great way to give special gifts. Maybe you celebrate special feast days and give special gifts at that time. The key is being intentional about the gift giving, and not whimsically giving in to the immediate and passionate pleas. When our children request things, we have always just told them to put it on their list. They keep a mental or actual list of thing they may want to request at birthday or Christmas, or maybe to buy themselves when they have earned enough money.
Children are not mini-adults. They need adults to guide them to understand what is a normal desire for something, and what is really needed in life. When we give into the request and leave our children without unsatisfied wants, we diminish their drive to work for what they want. They don’t associate hard work or individual accomplishments with the achievement of their desires. They come to expect others (rather than themselves) to work to satisfy their needs. None of us want our children to grow up with an attitude that other people are simply there to satisfy their desires (physically, socially, emotionally or psychologically), yet when we fail to say No, we not only spoil our children, we stunt their development.
Rather than say yes next time your child asks for a want, try to get them to think deeper about their request, rather than just saying yes or no.
What is it about that (trip, toy, activity) that sounds fun to you?
How long do you think you will enjoy it?
Will this affect more than just you/How will this inconvenience others?
Do you need this?
Where will you keep this?
Where will the money come from to buy this?
This summer one of my kids asked me “Mom, am I spoiled”. I took a deep breath and let the question soak in, then with kindness in my voice and love in my eyes, responded, “In this situation, Yes. Yes, you are”. We then discussed together the situation, why this child desired something, and why the request was unrealistic, and what to do with the feelings that were being experienced”.
When we say No to their wants, get them to think about it, and focus on filling their needs, we are able to parent in a much healthier way. Targeting our efforts on meeting their needs deeply, rather than skimming over the needs and giving them wants instead, is essential in healthy parenting. Learning to say No gives us the space, energy, and resources to say Yes when something important is needed.
We have to be honest with our children, and help them to process their materialistic desires, or we suffer the fate of raising a generation of children who expect others to serve rather to serve themselves, who expect to receive rather than give, who can’t distinguish between wants and desires, and who fail to recognize the beauty in simplicity and sacrifice.
The questions I want to leave you with are here:
Do my children regularly ask for things that I never would have considered asking for when I was a child?
Am I raising entitled children or am I helping them to understand the difference between want and need?
Am I helping them to find pleasure in the simple things in life, or encouraging their desires to fit-in with the over-indulged norm?
Am I fostering in my children a desire to HAVE the best, or to BE the best version of themselves?
Am I raising a Giver or a Taker?
Thanks for stopping by!
