Loving your kids isn't enough

 Little Anna is now almost 3 and officially in that stage where EVERYTHING she does is amazingly cute.  Her tantrums are hilarious, her language endearing, and her little mind always working.  She has picked up on cute little phrases like "I am pwetty sure…" which she uses at the funniest times.  Like "I am pwetty sure I need a nuggle" or "I am pwetty sure I don't wan go to seep".  

As her language explosion continues and her vocabulary grows, she has new ways of expressing her thoughts, wants, needs, and desires and I feel as though a window to her soul has been opened. As my knowledge of her grows, so to does my love for her.  

And so I have to remind myself that loving her isn't enough.  Or maybe another way of thinking about it is this 

If I really love her, then I need to show her my love by being a responsible mom    

My actions need to back up my feelings.  

6 Tips for How to Raise Thankful Children

With Thanksgiving approaching and Christmas around the corner our thoughts naturally turn to thankfulness, leading me to ask

 How can we raise thankful children in a culture that promotes an attitude of entitlement?

Here are 6 tips to help us all in our quest to raise

more thankful children.  

1.  Model Gratitude.   Attitudes (like gratitude) are caught not taught.  Are you thankful?  Do you verbalizing what you are thankful for? How do you express your gratitude non-verbally? If you need help living a more grateful life, pick up a book like One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  

2.  Be tuned into your child.  This lets them see that you are grateful for THEM.  Put the phone down when they are talking.  Don’t interrupt.  Be really present for them.  Invite them to join you on an errand rather than running out for a rare moment alone.

3.  Help your children recognize their strengths and how they can use their strengths for the good of others.  

Vygotsky and Parenting: Being your child's first and most important teacher

You know you are a nerd when you get really excited just reading your notes on a theorist.  I am a total nerd and Vygotsky is a super cool theorist! Vygotsky put forth a socio-cultural view of development.  He pointed out that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.  Rather than give you his bio (which is also hugely interesting), I am going to describe a few key ideas of his.  I will take them out of the education setting in which they are usually discussed and apply them to the home.  His concepts of scaffolding and intersubjectivity are especially applicable to everyday parenting.

Vygotsky argued that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.

In the classroom of life, every person you meet is a teacher,  

but the parent is the child's first and most important teacher.

The environment which is most conducive to learning, is that where learning and instruction lead actual development.  He wrote "the only good learning is that which is in advance of development" (Vygotsky, 1978, p.9).  Therefore,  to promote development, the challenges for the child should be right above his level - not directly at (or below) his ability.  Stagnation occurs developmentally when children are not challenged.  This is the basis for not grouping kids by age and ability, but rather having more skilled learners available to help less skilled learners with tasks.

In larger families, we see this play out daily as older kids help 'teach' the younger ones to do everything from climbing rocks to formulating an argument.  JR is especially good at helping 'teach' the girls how to do his chores!  They love helping him take out the recycling because they are doing "the tough stuff".   He loves that he has one less trip to make.  The girls alone would not be able to complete the multi-steps required to take it all out - unlock the doors, open the big recycling can lid etc.  But under his 'guidance', they can learn to do it.   You can also see this at play it in multi-level play, as the older kids direct the younger ones, or the younger ones toddle behind trying to keep up with the big kids.  It is so healthy and so natural, and it is in these very moments that Vygotsky says we see actual development.

In order to best support their child's development in an area, parents (or older kids) should provide the appropriate scaffolding.  Parents provide the setting and the information that will help the child learn on his own.  Take cleaning up their room.  A child alone, may just glaze over looking at the mess.  But a parent can direct the child "pick up all the books first, then the clothes, then the toys last".  The instruction is the scaffolding the child needs to complete the task.  Another term for this is guided participation.  What children can do on their own, is less important that what they can do with a little guidance, because it is in the DOING that development occurs.   Eventually they are able to internalize the scaffolding and do the task without the guidance of the parent.

Guided participation works best when the parent (or more skilled partner)  knows how to read the cues given by the child, and bring them around to a shared goal.  Intersubjectivity is a super cool term.  It is the "shared understanding, based on a common focus of attention and a common goal, between a child and a more competent person" (Miller, 1993, p.32).  I bet my homeschooling readers are probably nodding their heads right about now!  One of the wonderful things about homeschooling is that the 'teacher'  and the child have so much common understanding before any official 'lessons' begin.  In relationships where there is strong intersubjectivity, learning happens most easily and most naturally.

For optimal learning/development to occur, 

a child and the parent or more skilled partner need 

to have a joint understanding & 

a mutual desire to reach the goal.   

If the child doesn't understand what you are asking, or if he is unmotivated to learn, you are going to have a harder time.  For example, if two kids are building with blocks, and the older ones wants to build a tower while the younger one wants to build a road - this is not a good set up for 'learning'. It is of course fine for just playing (assuming there are enough blocks!).  If they share the goal of building the tower, then the younger one will be motivated to pay attention and learn from (and with) the older child.

Vygotsky's concepts apply to both our interactions, and to our conversations with our children.  Reciprocal teaching is a concept based on Vygotsky's ideas.  RT is the process of clarifying, questioning, summarizing, and predicting.  Good parents do this naturally with children of all ages, but particularly with 2-3 year olds during their language explosion.  The child's mind is so excited to talk, but finding the words can be a challenge.  Clarifying what the child says, asking them to expand of their thoughts, summarizing their ideas, and then helping them predict is a great way to build both their verbal skills and their overall cognitive functioning.  This process applies to conversations with kids of all ages.  It also is a great way to model a more socratic type of dialogue within our home.

It can be easy to feel wary about the do's and don't do's so I want to end with a quote from St Teresa of Avila.

If you want to make progress on the Path 

and ascend to the places you have longed for, 

the important thing is not to think much, 

as so to do whatever best awakens you to love.  

Vygotsky's main principle is that learning is a social event.  As such, as families we should be thoughtful about our actions -  but if love is at the heart of what we do, then we are on the right track.     Giving your children direction and letting them grow with guidance is a great principle. Taking the time to get to know your child and share in his or her goals is another great parenting tip.  Lastly, modeling good conversation practices where you help the child to expand on their thoughts and idea shows that you love them and value what they think.  May all our interactions today awaken both us and our children to love!

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Keep your Family Team Cheering: Little siblings on the sidelines

 Little Gracie asked today "why do we have to go to the game?" 

It can get tiring to be on the sidelines hour after hour watching your parents cheer for your big brothers.  So I took the opportunity to tell her how much I love watching all of them do the things they love to do.  I reinforced that as a family we support one another.  I pointed out how nice it is to be outside in good weather.   Lucky for us there are other little siblings on the sidelines each game and these kids are so great to play with.  Having a larger family than most, we also have built-in playmates. But even on the best days it can be tough.  If you have older kids then they can stay at home for some games, but this works less well with little ones!

How to Keep your Family Team Cheering: Older siblings and sports

A few weeks back,  I wrote about the importance of the groups your kids are involved in. It is a really brainy post, but the theory behind it was brought home for me today as I spoke with one of the other "team moms".  One of the great things about surrounding my kids with other great kids, is that fairly often those other great kids have amazing parents.  JR's soccer team is a great example.  The kids on the team are super nice, and their parents are well grounded.  I was reminded about that today during JR's soccer match.

One of the mom's commented that her daughter was really pushing back about attending the little brother's soccer games.  Their daughter is old enough to stay at home and soccer season is in full swing.  Some weekends the boys don't play, other Saturday's they have one game, and on tournament weekends they can have as many as 4 games.  Siblings can quickly lose their "supportive attitude" as they are schlepped from game to game, yet many parents want to reinforce the importance of supporting one another.

This brilliant mom came up with a great solution

Looking to motivate your kids? A parent's look at motivation theory

Motivation Theory

The term motivation refers to that which energizes, directs, or sustains behavior (McDevitt & Ormrod, 2002).  Different people are motivated by different things.   Need for affiliation, need for approval and achievement motivation are the three big ones.   Motivation can be internal (intrinsic) or external (extrinsic) in source.

Let's set these two terms in the context of chores - something kids traditionally aren't motivated to do!

Intrinsic motivation is often driven by a natural curiosity, a need for cognitive consistency, or high achievement motivation (excellence for its own sake), a strong sense of self-determination, or valuing competence.  For a child who is intrinsically motivated, she may do chores because she loves tidying things, or values having a clean area, or likes working along side her parent”.   You can promote intrinsic motivation by focusing on the satisfaction, enjoyment, or pride that comes from the success in doing the task.   Targeting your child's self-efficacy can help, as children are more motivated to do that which they think they will be successful in doing. 

A child who is externally motivated on the other hand,

Daycare vs Mother care: Neglecting the research and putting stay-at-home moms in the crosshairs

I did not plan on writing a post this morning.  Like most moms, I have a huge list of things to tackle as this week gets off to a start.  But President Obama's comments this weekend about stay-at-home moms was so blatantly wrong, I had to brush off the PhD and correct the man. My problem come not with the economy of it all, but rather with his continual push for daycare over mother-care, and his complete disregard for the data. 

“Sometimes, someone, usually Mom, leaves the workplace to stay home with the kids, which then leaves her earning a lower wage 

for the rest of her life as a result.   

“That’s not a choice we want Americans to make.”-Obama

Apparently Obama’s brand is feminism has moved from encouraging women to make choices, 
to making evaluative assessments of those choices. 

That is not progress.  

Getting beyond the offense of the statement, I need to point out why is he wrong - based on FACTS and DATA - not just emotion.  Why do we actually WANT American women to choose to be a full-time mom, rather than putting her children in day-care?  I break it down into three areas:

Benefits to the Child, the Mother, and the Family

Benefits to the Child

The deficit model of research is a great way to explain 'benefits' of childcare.  If children are growing up in abject poverty, and they would not receive quality care at home, then having those children spend time in high quality childcare will result in more beneficial outcomes.  If however, the quality of childcare is not greater than that which the children would receive at home, then any benefits are diminished.  Similarly, if you have a child who would normally spend the day engaged in high quality child care at home (with a loving parent or family member), and you put that same child in any childcare center, you won't see the same overall benefits.  

Therefore, the situations where daycare is overall more beneficial to the child, are those situations when the quality of care they would receive at home is poor, and the day care center they attend is high quality.  Children who were in high quality 'center' type daycare centers, had better reading, math, and memory skills at third grade than did other children.  But children who spent the most time in these high quality day cares were,  more demanding, less willing to obey, and had more trouble getting along with peers.  Furthermore, greater time in childcare was associated with poor working habits, and poor internalizing behavior (Data presented at the Society for Research in Child Development, 2005).  

 "So let's make this happen: By the end of this decade, let's enroll 6 million children in high-quality preschool and let's make sure that we are making 
America stronger" -Obama

Look at the data first Mr. President. Let's be realistic- not every center can be high quality. I have worked in them and I have studied them - it is just not possible.  But even if they were all high quality, the data doesn't support your premise that daycare is better overall than a mother's care.  

Benefits to the Mother

Why do Catholics pray to saints?

In honor of All Saints Day, I thought I would do a quick post on one of the most mis-understood practices of the Catholic faith.  I am not a theologian, but as a convert, this was one of the hurdles that I thought I was going to have to "pray through" on my way to conversion.

http://www.sttheresechurchaurora.org

In reality, it was just a mis-understanding and I didn't have to change my mind about anything.

Have you ever asked someone to pray for you?  It is pretty common place even among luke-warm christians.  My Facebook feed usually contains a post from someone requesting a prayer or two.  St. Paul, in his letters often asked for the prayers of others (i.e. Ephesians 6).

Asking the Saints to pray for us is just the same.  We recognize these holy men and women as individuals who have received the privilege of being with the Father in heaven and we ask that they take our special intentions to His throne.

Catholics don't believe that saints have any power except that given to them by God.  Just like the apostles were able to work miracles in the name of Christ, the saints too are each associated with certain miracles.  They were made holy by God and now are able to pray for us in our time of need.

So study the saints, look at their lives as models of how to live, or models of God's redeeming grace (for many of them didn't live perfect lives!).   If you have a special cause of worry look for a patron saint of that cause and cast up your prayers to our Lord and His special Saint.   Let His saints pray for you!  For more on the scriptural background for our relationships with the saints click here.

All you holy men and women, Pray for us!