Monday, January 23, 2017

Is It Better to Raise our Kids without Religion? An analytic review.


A recent LA Times Op-Ed piece by Phill Zuckerman, a Professor of Secular Studies at Pitzer College, is causing many to wonder


 "Is it better to raise our kids without religion?"

I admit I was initially mystified by the research and felt the need to roll up my sleeves, leave the laundry un-attended and dig in. Unfortunately Zuckerman's main source, recent research by sociologist Vern Bengston, is currently "in press" and not available for review or interpretation.   Bengston's resume and vita are great. He is a solid researcher who has dedicated his life to the study of aging.  I started my academic journey in this field and both value and appreciate his work.  Looking at his life work (rather than the specific book), I couldn't possibly question his motives, nor do I question his research methodology.

So assuming that Bengston's research is solid, let's discuss the very question of how kid fare when raised with or without a foundation of faith in a higher power, and more specifically, the general complications in conducting research of this nature.  In order to do this, one has to look at the variables (things) measured.  For simplicity sake, we are just going to look at how religion is generally measured and how the outcome 'better' is determined.

Measuring Religion 

Religious self identification is not a construct that is easy to measure because you are really talking about a transformation that occurs throughout ones life, from cradle to grave. It is something that should be ranked on a continuum with multiple questions to put together a complex picture.  Therefore self-report on one's religiosity is a fairly unreliable measure of how religious someone is, unless you go beyond the "do you believe in God?" Y/N response.  Or "Do you attend church?"

Even with a more complex measure of religiosity, when asking devout individuals about their faith one runs into some stickiness. As Darwin pointed out "ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" (1871). Therefore those who are well schooled on their faith may judge themselves to be less developed in matters of religion than do those who were maybe raised in a faith but not even currently practicing. You could have a young man contemplating the priesthood who scores lower in religiosity than does a individual who hasn't set food in a house of religion in years.

In his LA times piece, Zuckerman points to the lack of atheists in prison, but he fails to also acknowledge that prison culture is set up as a major recruitment site for many extreme religious groups. It is also fertile ground for evangelization for traditional faiths like Catholicism. Caring for those in prison in one of their Works of Mercy practiced by Catholics.  Lastly, one's religious affiliation or "coming to Jesus" can influence parole boards as well. For lost souls, with time on their hands and limited access to nice people, spending time in mass or worship, and learning that they are loved and redeemed - well that is just plain attractive. If you wanted to draw the conclusion Zuckerman was making, you would need to show that at the time of arrest or time the crime was committed - these individuals were actively practicing their faith.  That is a very different thing than merely citing a lack of Atheists in prison.

Is there a Dosage Effect?  If one is really looking to argue that religion is harmful to folks, than we should see some form of a dosage effect. If we conclude that no religion is better than the next step statement must be more religious is worse. In measuring religiosity is there a dosage effect? Are those who attend daily mass and go to monthly confession for instance, the most likely to be vengeful intolerant folks? Are religious missionaries who are living in huts in Rowanda actually the most racist of Americans? Are those who have given themselves wholly to the Church by taking Holy Orders the most vengeful, racist, nationalistic, militaristic folks surveyed? As the Church's struggle with sexual abuse was made public, that argument was certainly put out there, but the facts just didn't match it.  Cases of sexual abuse by priests occurred in half the frequency of those by teachers for instance (source).

If one takes into consideration upbringing in the faith, currently practicing, and some dosage of practicing you have a more complex picture.

Looking at the same effect another way, a previous faithful Catholic who is shacking up with his girlfriend and at odds with his parents over it, may recognize a lack of grace in his life. Perhaps those who identify as Christians or Jews or Muslim, but have strayed from the church feel that loss and act accordingly. They may very well be in conflict with family members, harbor feelings of resentment, or bitterness. Compare this to a person who has no concern of hell or damnation or the afterlife at all, whose only goal is to just be happy.  Zuckerman actually raises this point in his article when he quotes an atheist mother who wonders if ones "moral sense suddenly crumbles" when those with a religious up bringing question or reject their faith.

What religion are we talking about?
Which religions were measured? Were all religions lumped together? While there are some central tenants across religions there are some major differences in social justice teachings as well as in ideas of how to interact with others who are of different faiths. To lump all 'religious' together seems to convolute the outcome variable, which is at this point just listed as "better than".  Those who measure religion know that there are huge differences between denominations even within just protestants.

What does better mean? What are the outcome measures? One needs to consider what the values the researchers value as those will influence what the word "better" actually means. A few common measures of 'success' in psychology are whether the individuals are moral, tolerant, vengeful, nationalistic, empathetic. Once those outcomes are defined it is extremely difficult to measure them though self report because people naturally attempt to paint themselves in the best possible light.  Duke researchers for instance found that religious people were more racist.  If looking to measure racism, it is hard to just ask people "are you a racist?".  Researchers are of course more subtle than that, but I pose the question to make a point. When measuring racism you may be measuring a more complicated construct - honest or self awareness. Those who are honest and self aware may say "yes I guess I am a little bit", when they are no more/less racist than the person dishonest or less-introspective person who says "No, absolutely not".

For religious folks, a 'better life' would be considered to be one that is filled with the Lord. So all these questions about whether or not we should be raising our kids religious or not is a mute point being asked only by those without a relationship with God. Those of us who have a relationship with the Lord, want our children to have one too. It is the best gift that we can possibly give our children - a life in eternity. We are looking at the research to find ways to best raise our children to be as close to the Lord as possible.

In no way is this article intended to imply that the highly regarded Bengston's research is poor. I merely want to point out that the question posed by Zuckerman "Is it better to raise our kids without religion?", is more complicated than the op-ed piece implied.  Bengston devoted an entire book to the research question and was only quoted once in the Zuckerman article:

"Many non religions parents were more coherent and passionate about their ethical principles than some of the 'religious' parents in our study," Bengston told me.  "The vast majority appeared to live goal-filled lives characterized by moral direction and sense of life having a purpose."

In closing, I wonder if the researchers have missed the point entirely.  The question and research seems designed to appease the minds of those parents who have chosen to shield their children from religion.  Those of us who have chosen to raise our children faithful to a religious teaching have done so in the hopes of equpting our children with the skills necessary for them to know God, love God, and serve God in this life so that they may enjoy eternity with God in the next. That is our end goal and it is hard to find fault in that.






Sunday, January 1, 2017

The Slippery Slope of Spirituality



Photo Source




















If you aren't moving forward spiritually you are slipping back.  

This was a statement, a reality, a truth, that I came upon during my RCIA classes. It may have been in a book, or it may have come from a speaker.  But I loved the quote because it highlights the danger of being luke-warm in our faith- we show up to church usually and check the attendance box.  Gone to church? Yup. I am done for the week. I am a good Christian.

We all think we are more pious than we really are.  Closer reflection and prayer leads us to a more accurate assessment - reality.

For instance, I am a far cry from my monthly confession goal.  I like to think of myself putting my faith first, but there is a concrete example of me NOT doing that.  And facts are facts.

Our need to have an accurate understanding of our own spiritual life is even more important when we are raising children.

If we don't set the prime example, if we skip mass, if we don't take them to their catechesis classes or have them involved in ministry or service work, what baseline are we setting for them? Our hearts pull us closer to the church and we make excuses- no confession this week because we have that birthday party and the soccer game and there just isn't time.

The kids don't ever see the pull, the evaluation, the careful mental negotiation- all they see is the end result (confession, mass, volunteering, or birthday parties and soccer games). Of course we want to let them go to birthday parties, but sometime we need to say no and choose something that is better for them. We need to ask "what do they gain from this experience?", and "Is it worth all the running around to achieve that goal?".

Stuff is going to slide- so what do you want to be the "stuff" that slides?

As parents we have to establish the baseline - then add to that. For our family, baseline is mass on Sundays, boy involved in one ministry each (liturgical reading, altar serving), and my husband and I are each in a small group, and we adopt-a-family each Christmas. We can't do any less than that, but we can add to it...so in comes daily mass when we can, journaling, Jesse Tree during advent most years, praying the rosary occasionally, frequent confession. For many, our extras are their baseline- and that is okay. We do what we can, when we can. Maybe someday I can get to that point too. But having outlined things that are "essential and non negotiable" gives me a solid footing to build upon as we try to grow in Christ as a family.

So I ask you, what is your baseline? What are you reaching towards? What is helping you grow closer to Christ and how are you helping your children to grow closer to Him as well? Because after all if you aren't helping them move forward spiritually you are holding them back.


Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Top Posts of 2016, Plus That One That Went Unnoticed



Top in 2016
As 2016 draws to a close, I am excited to provide you with some of the top posts for the year, plus one of my favorites that ended up under the radar and is worth visiting if you haven't yet had the chance.

1.  A Good Enough Advent is a short post about giving up our lofty and maybe unrealistic goals and finding what works for each of us. You can read it here. It is short and simple as things really need to be this time of year.

2.  One of the most personal and also most clinical posts of the year was my post-hysterectomy write up. I think I must have the write search-words for that post. If you or someone you know is thinking about a hysterectomy they should read this. Or you too if you are into reading about the nitty-gritty! You can find it here.

3.  Being a Bricklayer (here) gets the award for the least descriptive title ever.  It is about finding balance in our lives and learning to take things one day at a time. I have renamed it Focusing on Today: Learning to be a bricklayer. I really loved this one!

4.  The post Tattle-Tailing on your Friend's Kids provides some tips for navigating that uncomfortable conversation we all have to have sometime. I wrote it after a friend had to tell me about my daughters mis-deeds. Oh the opportunity for humility that parenthood provides us! Read it here. 

5. and 6. As I looked through the titles I came to realize I had two very similar titles that thankfully did NOT have the same content: How to Survive the Seasons of Parenthood and Surviving the Seasons of Motherhood. The first (here) is more about accepting the changes of parenthood and redefining our normal (rather than pining for our past life).  The second post which I renamed Transitioning through the Transitions (here), is about the constancy of the changes in parenthood. I love this post because with 4 kids it seems like someone is always dealing with something major (but thankfully still minor in the grand scheme of things).

7. How to Make a Catholic Education Affordable (here) was written for a link-up on Catholic Education. It has a lot of tips and links to education support/grant/scholarship opportunities and is super practical.

8.  The best one that went unnoticed is certainly the post Teaching Forgiveness (click here).  In it I discuss the importance of learning to say you are sorry.

You can read other's great Top 2016 posts over at Revolution in Love (click here). My friend Bobbi has opened up her site for all of us so be sure you check some of my buddies out there. Thanks for your interest and support in 2016. I am looking forward to much more writing in 2017 so tune in next year for more. Until then, thanks for stopping by!







Sunday, December 18, 2016

A Good Enough Advent: No more Advent fails

This time of year, as advent draws to a close, it is easy to have a heavy heart about what I call my Advent Fails.  The advent wreath that was lit once (yes once), the mad scramble to purchase gifts, spending more time making sure thing are even and balanced under the tree than on the thoughtfulness of each gift, the prayer journal that has many, many more blank pages than it does completed ones, and the utter exhaustions that comes from running at sprint speed for a marathon season.

But take a minute (just a minute because you have cookies to bake), and give yourself a break.  Look into your heart and ask yourself three questions –

Have I spread Joy?

Have I sought Peace? 

Have I shown Faith? 

Have I brought Hope?

God doesn’t care if your advent wreath was lit each night.  God doesn’t care if your packages have perfect bows. God doesn’t care if your house is adorned in Christmas lights.  What counts this season is what is in your heart, and how you show that to those around you. 

Today I was determined to bake gingerbread men with my girls. Why? I don't know. It seemed like a good idea.  We are gluten-free so baking in rare and more complicated and generally less satisfying that it used to be. But I found a recipe... and two hours later I was near tears. Stupid stupid stupid gingerbread men. I don't even like gingerbread. I don't know how people make them so pretty.  Mine are sticky blobs. And then my sweet third-born said "Mama that is the best gingerbread Santa I have ever seen!" My girls didn't care that they were ugly blobs. They were having fun.

Intentions count. So does attitude. God knows what is in our hearts.

I am not saying blow off Advent, quite the opposite - Strive for more, but strive for the right things and the right reasons and realize that there is no such thing as a perfect Advent because should all be striving towards more. Strive to have peace in the unrest. Strive to keep perspective about gifts and giving. Strive for what is really important. So we didn't get the nice lights up outside. Oh well. Maybe we can take some walks around the neighborhood instead and enjoy their lights. 

Strive to do a little more, but also a little less of the stuff that distracts you from preparing your heart for His coming. If we do this right, then each year we may feel like we want to do just a little bit more spiritually than we did last year - and that is a good thing. 

Be intentional about what you do today. Maybe you bake gingerbread cookies, maybe you don’t.  Chat with the Lord throughout the day. Pray while you bake or wrap or shop. Buy a little meal for the guy on the street with a sign. Don’t make it complicated. Spread joy, seek peace, show faith and bring hope.

And hey, if you don’t light your wreath this year, finding Advent candles will be one less thing you will have to do next year when the season comes back around.


Monday, November 28, 2016

Being Present in Mass Despite the Chaos

Photo Credit: Ben White

Each year on Thanksgiving, I wake up, get the turkey ready, and then I run off to morning mass - by myself. It is the only day of the year I intentionally attend mass alone. But I need it.

The rest of the year I am in mass with my little ones. Currently ranging in age from 4 - 13, my little ones are at times quiet and respectful during the service. No scratch that.  They are, most of the time quiet, but we are still working on the respectful part. When my oldest alter serves he is definitely quiet and respectful. The rest of the time... well it isn't always pretty. But I digress.  Despite attending mass weekly and during the school year twice a week, they struggle to get through the mass. They act like a bunch of children.  Which they are.  When the big ones were little ones, I used to to dream about the time when they would all sit quietly and listen attentively. I don't know if that time will ever come.

Here are the two truths - they are the only two things Mom's need to know about surviving mass with children.

1) You aren't at mass for your children's benefit. You are there for YOUR benefit and YOUR relationship with God. Sure it helps to set a good example. But you are His daughter and He has requested your presence.

2) Jesus said "let the children come to me".  God wants them there, present, with you.

I have read countless pieces of advice and given a little advice of my own, on how to survive mass with children. Top tips include having special 'quiet' toys or books for mass time or leaving them in childcare, taking children out of pews, keeping children in pews, sitting close to the front, standing far in the back, whispering and threatening and kissing and, well, spanking. I have found that the best influence on behavior for my children was just time. Once they started kindergarten at our parish school, and start attending mass weekly with their class, they really seemed to get the hang of it. I know that is not super comforting to the mama of a 15 month old. Sorry.

Although The Baby still likes to pretend she is sleeping and thus she can't participate, and my older boys just can't seems to keep their hands to themselves, I can say we have graduated to a stage in family life that we can survive mass without turning red in anger (or embarrassment), or having to pull children out of the pews. Most weeks. It isn't because of any magic parenting voodoo I perform. Quiet the opposite. I mentally check out to what is going on besides me and mentally check into what is going on before me. Because even once the children can sit in the pews, they are still super distracting. So I had to carve out special time and lay down some ground rules.

My older children have learned NOT to interrupt the Homily to ask mommy about what is for lunch (or whatever). They do NOT interrupt me when I am kneeling in prayer. And that is pretty much it.

"Are you more important than Jesus? Because you are interrupting and we were just talking"

"Did Jesus ask you to ask me that? Because I am pretty sure he inspired the priest to give us this homily and now I am missing it? Wait your turn."

Now every family is different and we can't check out mentally the whole mass, but having these two times as really sacred times in mass, when I can really be present, makes the rest of the mass much easier. I do the readings before we come because I get them sent to my email In-Box via Blessed is She each morning. I have already taken a few minutes to read and reflect before I even get out of bed. If I miss a little of the responsorial psalm because I am separating the boys (already!), then that is less of a big deal. If I have to take The Baby to the bathroom during the offering I am fine with that. If someone has kicked off her shoes, whatever, I really don't care. In the grand scheme of things it isn't worth getting worked up over.

I am here for Jesus & Jesus wants us (even the kids) to be here.

So relax. Take a deep breath. Go over the readings before you arrive. If you attend mass with a spouse talk about carving out your special time during mass when you really expect the children (and spouse) to not interrupt your time with God. With a little intentionality maybe you can learn to become really present in mass despite the commotions around you.

Thanks for stopping by!

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