I stepped into the sunshine and let the door latch behind me.
As a mother of two teen sons and two younger daughters, I live the reality of how tough it is to place screen limitations on my household members. When a child is a 30lb - 3 year old and would just as soon be playing with her dolls or coloring, limit the screen time is pretty easy. But it is not so easy when the child is a 120 lb - 12 year old or a 165 lb.- 17 year old who just wants to veg out or talk with his friends (on the headset) as they play a game online together. The social world of teens is now largely online. Texting, social media, and online gaming is how they communicate. Covid has made it a time of almost exclusively remote-relationships for our children.
The difficulty of the situation is compounded by the reality that we can't escape one another. Many parents are working at home, squirreled away in little corners or reclaimed desks. My husband is living a self-imposed life of exile in our bedroom as he tunes in remotely to accomplish his tasks. I bounce between children as does my computer. On rare occasion neither myself or my laptop is required, I admit want to be left alone for a little while to write, edit, catch up on emails or just scroll. Letting my kids zone out to screens for short bursts of time has alway been my go to when I need a breather, but many families are experiencing huge amounts of guilt now as their children's viewing or video game play has increased.
We worry as they exceed the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation of 2 hours a day. But some of our children are spending 2 hours a day on screens with their teachers in distance learning. Does that mean everything over that is detrimental?
Do what is best for the family at the time
Much of the research on screen time is based on what we call a deficit model. If the children are viewing excessively, that means they are being deprived of other activities or other stimulation. But what the children are doing on line makes a difference, and what they would be doing otherwise makes a difference too.In pre-covid environment, our children were going to sports practices, playing at the park, running errands with us - none of that is possible now. Is a little more screen time okay?
For some families, screen time allows the parents to accomplish their required work, and pay for food on the table. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but in some homes it is the best option. Leaving children to their own creative devices is encouraged when they can be supervised and gently directed. It is not generally advised when there is scant supervision. And the reality is, in many homes where both parents are working from home, supervision is scant now.
So the first question is "what else could or should they be doing now?" still needs to be asked, but if your options are limited then let go of the guilt. If screens are the best option, then make a conscious choice and let them have their screen, and do it in an intentional way.
How To Use Screens Right:
- The type of programing & situation in which the kids are viewing is hugely important. Not all programs are the same. Take a little time to read some reviews. If your child's behavior nose- dives after watching a particular show, find a new show. If they are becoming obsessed with a game on their device, delete it and introduce a new game. You still control when, how, and what the children are doing on their electronics, so direct them wisely.
- Let them play with their friends. Encourage them to get online at the same time as their friends, and to get OFF the games when their friends are not available. Video games are the only way one of my sons has to connect with his friends. My irritation at hearing him talk too loudly over the mic has been replaced by a gratitude that he is able to connect regularly with his friends, to laugh, banter, and play.
- Mix it up. If you child wants to play Mindcraft all day, mix it up and throw in a movie in the afternoons. The brain needs a variety of stimulus. Video games are much more stimulating for the brain that passively watching movies or TV, but encourage your child to play different games throughout the day and to take breaks. Encourage them to move during or in-between rounds of play. Some devices allow you to set time restrictions for each app. We find that hugely useful.
- Screen time is a privilege not a right. Privileges can and should be taken away when behavior necessitates.
- If it isn't being watch, turn it off. Background TV is a killer for kids' developing attention. Regardless of type of programing, kids play is interrupted by TV when it is on in the same room. Children play longer and show greater sustained attention on a activity, than they do when the TV is on versus off. In a culture of rising attention problems with kids, this is important. It also it not good for us to have the background stimulation. It can make parents cranky and increase our stress. Just turn it off when the kids are around, wait for them to go to bed, or wake up a little early to catch up on the news of the day.
- When screens are not useful to you, turn them off. Let them be bored, let them explore, let them get creative, encourage imaginative play. You don't need to fill every minute of their day. Your job is not to entertain your children. But when you are available and able for 1:1 interaction, give it to them. At the end of the day we are all a little worn down, but our children need face to face time with us. Play a game, read together, take a walk, work on a project together.
- Find ways for your screen time to be together time. If you can do some work while sitting next to the children on the sofa, do it. Share in some of the experience with them. My 8 year old love playing word games and "helps" me when I play my word games with friends on my phone throughout the day. It has given us a little something that is just for us to do together and I must admit she is improving my game.
- Front-load your attention. This is one of my favorite parenting tips. Give them lots of attention first thing in the day, and most kids will play better on their own. If you take the time each morning to connect with each child, they seem to be more respectful of your needs (and limitations for attention) as the day proceeds.
Screen time doesn't have to be guilt-filled time. If you need to use screens as a tool for your family to survive in this crazy time then do it. Be careful about the content, do not let them randomly cruise YouTube, set some time limits, use your parental controls. If you are intentional about how and when your children are using screens, it can enrich your time at home. You can be more productive at your work, and when you are free to interact with the kids they will be ready for that face-to-face time with you.
For more on how screen time actually effects the brain, listen to Episode 27 of my Podcast Parenting Smarts (click here). If you want information on video games and cognition check out Episode 1 (click here) of the podcast.
Thanks for tuning in and joining me on this crazy parenting journey!
