To Spank or Not to Spank… That is the Question...

To Spank or Not to Spank… That is the Question…

Or so it SHOULD be.

Many parents have simply discounted it as an appropriate disciplinary technique while others spank on a regular basis without any discernment prior to doing so. 

I am a spanker.  I admit it.  I have spanked any of my 4 kids when needed as needed. 

What does the research say about spanking?  Developmental psychologists and pediatricians agree that kids shouldn’t be subject to corporeal punishment.  But as a scientist I have a problem with a lot of the conclusions drawn from research on this topic. I am trained as a Developmental Psychologist but I am living a life as a Mom. I can read the research and pontificate about the theoretical, but I live in the real world. 

So here is my rule-book for spanking. 

I never spank the kids when I am “out of control angry”.  I typically warn them first that if they do not follow my directions they will get a spanking.  My two year old is ‘like a blender without a top’ as the saying goes.  But if she gets a swat she will stop the naughtiness and crawl into my lap with her version of ‘so sorry’.   That is the thing about spanking (and raised voices too!)- if you spank you also need to give the child more love and positive attention afterwards.  Things have to be made right after any two people argue. 

Spanking shouldn’t be used too early or too late in childhood. If kids don’t know what they are doing, then they should be re-directed and instructed rather than punished. As they get older it is just not smart to make things physical and there are so many more effective ways of disciplining school-age kids.

Additionally, spanking is not an effective tool for all kids. My oldest child’s worst punishment was holding him tightly in my lap. My second went to pieces anytime he was sent to his room, but would laugh at anything else. I have only given my 5-year old a handful of spankings her entire childhood. She is a fairly compliant child and until recently would go to tears when I raised my voice.

The main thing about spanking is that it should only be used when it is effective and other things are not.  And that changes. I may give a few spankings a month to one child and then never have to spank that child again. It should never be the first or only discipline technique – rather it should always be a last resort. I love using “carrots” rather than “the stick”*.  But when they turn their nose up at my carrot I am not going to let my child run wild without a little stick.  

 *disclaimer – In no way do I advocate using actual sticks on children. 

Created Equal for Sure but not Treated as Such

Part One

Trained as a Developmentalist,  I have studied the universalities of childhood only to be struck by how different each child is.  We are created uniquely for some specific purpose in this world and that is so beautiful.  But somewhere between our developmental norms and our individual differences lay two common threads – gender generalities and birth order patterns.   We are going to leave gender alone for now and just talk birth order.

Even when siblings have genetically similar composition, every gene has to have an environment in which it is expressed – and that environment actually influences the expression of such gene.  Thanks to friend and college Dr. David Moore, a Harvard trained Professor of Psychology at Pitzer College for so eloquently explaining that concept it to me.   He outlines this whole notion in his book the Dependent Gene if you want a great primer on genetics. 

But back to the point - the family unit is a perfect place to see the similarities in things such as expressions, laughs, and mannerisms. It is also a great place see the differences in people who share these similarities. 

And one of the reasons we see differences in our children, is because even as we strive to be ‘fair,’ the reality is we parent each child differently.  As one friend of four stated- “It would be impossible for me to raise my daughter the same way I raised my first 3 kids – our house is totally different now!”   And that is better than okay – it is GREAT!

Other Peoples Problems and Honesty Among Friends…

I used to think that problems, no matter how big or small, were so much more easily fixed when they were someone ELSE’S problems.  It was frustratingly simple for me – the one not experiencing the problem. 

Marital problems were the easiest.  Work less, play more, save more, spend less, talk more, date more, cheat less whatever.  It seemed so simple. 

So why didn’t the actual ‘players’ in the problem see the same solution?

Motherhood - My Passion

A little while back I was asked to do a guest posting on A Mama Collective.   It is a wonderful blog that links up some wonderful motherhood blogs and has some great original stuff too.  I am a fan of the site and the two marvelous women who put it together.  They are so hard working and so talented!  Doing the guest post was loads of fun and I guess you can say it gave me the blogging bug.  Here is the link to my post about Motherhood - My Passion.  Hope you enjoy the site and the posting!

http://amamacollective.com/motherhood-guest-post/

Shamefully Shoeless

What is it about parenting that makes strangers think they have a right to barge in? 

Why am I here...

So what is this site about...

Professionals in every field have to go through a process of peer review for their publications. In our social media age however we can all pretend to be experts & write & publish online with a click of a button.  

Parents often feel like they should be experts.  

Some are, and some are clueless, and most of us fall in between.  

For those of us who see motherhood or fatherhood as a profession, a vocation, a calling, it would be exceptional to be able to subject our ideas to the same kind of peer review from which other professionals benefit.  

I obviously don't know everything there is to know about parenting & kids but I love to think and write about the topic.   I also would love to get others ideas about the posts so please leave a word or two or three.

If you have something you want to post or would like to link up lets talk and we can get your ideas out here too!