What NOT to say to a teen

Teens can be volatile at time, and as parents there are things we say that make thing better, and things we say that have the opposite effect. 

At risk of leaving some of you with the thought "what CAN I say then?", I thought it may be helpful to write a short post on what NOT to say to a teen. Now there are plenty of other phrases that are bound to send the average teenager into a rage, but if you avoid the obvious ones, and then also maybe these less obvious phrases, you may find life with your teens to be pretty delightful. 

Although there will be vast differences in specific phrases that cause a rise, here are some general lines I have heard parents use (and have used myself), without the realization that they would immediately invoke a negative response. 

What NOT to say to a Teen: 

“I know you don’t think we don’t know anything but…” 

Problem - you put them on the defensive. 

Instead try "In my experience..."

“We never had this issue with your sibling”

Problem - You need to judge your child on his or her own merits, it isn't a competition. 

Try instead "I haven't had to deal with this as a parent before. Let's try to work this out together..."

“You probably think you know better but…”

Problem- It is belittling. 

Try Instead - "We bring different experiences to this problem so let's talk this through together"

“How many times do I have to tell you to do X…”

Problem - It is a snarky rhetorical question and likely to get a snarky answer.

Try Instead - "Hey - Do X now please ."

“I realize you don’t want to talk right now but…” 

Problem - They are turned off and you know it. 

Try instead - Talk to them later, or simply interrupt them nicely and let them know you need to talk asap. 

Teen can be tough, but living with anyone is hard. As adults we learn to pick your battles.We can not fight about everything. Recognize your teens need independence and space to make little or big mistakes while still under your gaze. Let them get the detention for the longish hair, or wrinkled uniform, or missing homework. And then follow through with your expected consequences rather than being on their case micromanaging every moment of their life.

Lastly, timing is everything. Trying to talk to have a hard conversation with teens when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired is really just provoking your teen into a fight. Feed them first. Connect and recognize their anger/emotion. Give them a place to lay their head and just rest for a moment. 

Teens are big kids in adult like bodies. Their brains are still growing and they need us to be understanding of their imperfections. So file away in that fully formed brain of your, these key phrases NOT to say to a teen, and maybe things will run a little more smoothly in your home.

Thanks for stopping by!

For more on teens check on this post on teen tantrums (here).  

 

Why Sleep is Good for You

When I was in college I would frequently study right before bed, and again first thing in the morning. I have never been a night owl, but I would keep my books by my bedside, and if I was struggling with writer's block, or having a hard time on an essay I would frequently jot notes before bed. It was not uncommon for me to awaken with the sun, and with the solution to a problem, or an opener for the essay fresh on my brain. We didn’t know it then, but now researchers know that the brain does in fact continue to work on problems while we sleep.

One researcher referred to deep sleep as a form of informational alchemy. Without realizing it our brains continue to operate while we dream as they organize and reorganize information. Put in most simple terms - our bodies may be asleep but our brains are hard at work. 

Our brains also work differently in REM and non-REM stages of sleep. There is evidence that in nonREM sleep our individual memories are strengthened. This is really important for learning and retention of information. On the other hand, it is in the deep non-REM sleep that information or memories are processed and blended together with novelty. It is after this type of sleep that we find those elusive ideas or solutions upon waking. And it is during this REM sleep when we find our brain devoid of noradrenaline, a stress inducing molecule. Our minds are able to process events, situations, ideas and thoughts and do so without stress. 

Children and Sleep

A good night's sleep isn't just important for parents. A 2005 study published in the BMJ found that three-year-olds sleeping just 10.5 hours or less have a 45 per cent increased risk of being obese by age seven than those who get 12 hours of sleep a night. Additionally, work by Dr. Basile reports that toddlers who get more sleep shower higher levels of performance on executive function assessments. He writes “memory consolidation occurs during sleep and sleep contributes to children's learning not only in retaining information but also in organizing memories most efficiently”. 

With children, sleep problems are associated with behavioral problems. My own family would tell you that sleep problems in our home are definitely associated with parental behavior problems too! It is hard to be patient when you are sleep deprived!  

Naps

What about naps you say? Or can’t we just catch up on the weekend? Researcher are finding that that strategy doesn't work, although napping can have benefits. For children, naps are awesome. Napping is associated improved memory and learning in infants. Naps after learning, increased the memory and executive functioning in young children as well (report here). 

Once we have moved out of the regular napping stage of life, we shouldn't need them during the day. Getting adequate sleep at night is key. That said, I will admit that I do love for a good power nap. If you are a napper, keep them short. Napping under 30 minutes is associated with improved cognition, but naps over 30 minutes daily is associated with Alzheimer's disease.

​​Sleep enables us to reset the health of not only our body but our brain as well, and the single best thing we can do to help restore our mind and body for the days ahead. It is essential to aim for six or more hours of consecutive sleep as consistently getting less than six hours is associated with certain forms of cancer, Alzheimer’s disease, diabetes, being overweight or suffering from obesity. Disruptions to sleep can effect our immune response as well as our inflammatory response (citation).

Sleep appears to be a favorite topic on the blog, so read along for more on children's sleep, how we have managed sleepless nights, living with imperfection, night terrors and toddler sleep solutions. Good night and God Bless!

Thanks for stopping by!

Bedtime Shema Prayer

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, who brings sleep to my eyes, slumber to my eyelids. May it be Your will, Lord my God and God of my ancestors, that I lie down in peace and that I arise in peace. Let my sleep be undisturbed by troubling thoughts, bad dreams, and wicked schemes. May I have a night of tranquil slumber. May I awaken to the light of a new day, that my eyes may behold the splendor of Your light. Praised are You, Lord whose glory gives light to the entire world (for more on this beautiful Jewish prayer click here).

How to get a handle on Teen Tantrums

 How to get a Handle on Teen Tantrums

Teens can be a bit of an emotional handful, a little like they were in the toddler years. It is a time of emotional highs and lows and their growing frontal lobe of the brain has a hard time keeping up with the overactive emotional center of the brain. When we can recognize their struggle and approach their frustrations with intentionality, it can help reduce the frustration of both the adult and the teen. Learning to connect with the upset child and then redirect him or her ((Siegel and Bryson), can be very helpful for the youngest to the oldest children in the house.

A teen experiencing a tantrum generally desires to be seen, heard, and understood. Frequently the source of frustrations seem to have clear solutions to us, so it can be tempting to diffuse and instruct. Because teens are striving for independence however, swooping in with obvious fixes for their struggle is not often met with gratitude. 

Instead, recognized and accept their emotional load. Show them you see and hear whatever emotion it is they are being overwhelmed with. 

”That sounds really hurtful/frustrating/unfair/sad/confusing etc., or 

How did that make you feel? or 

“that would have made me feel sad/mad/confused" etc.

Listen

A teen temper tantrum, much like a toddler one, can be about attention, or exhaustion, or occur for no reason at all. Provide them with an opening to share, to connect with you, to be vulnerable.  Sometimes when teens tantrum they just need a hug, or need to have a good cry. Other times they will want to continue to vent. Allow them some space to vent in whatever form they want. 

Too often parents try to jump into the emotions and escalate the tensions of a teenage temper tantrum, or they ignore the emotions and as a result end up cognitively disconnected. 

“You just don’t understand” or “that won’t work” is the common response in these circumstances. If you hear this often, you may want to change your approach. 

Parents need to let the teen feel all those big feelings before guiding the teen to switch on the logic side of their brain. The executive functioning or control center of the brains the last part to develop. The teen brain is not able to switch from highly emotional to highly logical just because a parent commands it to do so. Emotions need to run their course. 

After they have emotionally exhausted themselves through the venting process, we are able to help. When we try to prevent the expression of feelings the teens end up either emotionally stunted, ashamed, confused, and unable to process emotions in a healthy way. 

Once we have connected with the emotional side of the teen’s brain, you have achieved as sort of intersubjectivity which lays the foundation for helping get them redirected logically to find a solution. We have established we care, we understand, and we are on their side. At this point our teen will still be in distress, but will be more willing to get guidance and direction from you. 

De-escalation

Once the emotions are expressed and you have listened, try to work towards de-escalation. Recognize their emotions and do not argue with them even if you do not understand it. Sometimes the emotions are misunderstood or mislabeled by the teen. Jealousy can be interpreted as dislike, rejection interpreted as hate, feeling overlooked interpreted as unnoticed, and without the frontal lobe to reign in the flurry of emotions sometimes the emotion is just our of proportion. 

A word of caution - once the teen has moved towards being solution focused and have moved away from the purely emotional, be careful you (or someone else) doesn’t move them back to the emotional. Siblings, friends, or well meaning spouse will sometimes enter into the conversation late and draw them back into the emotional, but this is now counter productive. 

When we are the bag guy

When our teen is angry with us or we are the source of the frustration, again we can help by listening to them, and trying to help them process their emotions rather than arguing with their logic. Remaining as neutral as possible, keeping as calm as possible, and attempting to connect to the emotional side of their brain will help them see that although you disagree with them, you aren’t uncaring. 

Hearing their feelings on the subject however does not mean that you now need to acquiesce to their demands. Be clear on your expectations, that you recognize this makes them angry/sad/frustrated, but that this is a non-negotiable. Or if there is flexibility, you can let them know where that flexibility lies, and move forward together towards a solution. 

It's a process

Lastly, recognize that dealing with frustrations is a learned skill. If you give in to your teens tantrums, or leave them alone to work it out, you are abdicating one of your parental responsibilities. Just as you need to teach them how to use manners and be responsible for their things, teens need to learn how to deal with big emotions. At one point when my oldest was about 13, he just collapsed in my arms in tears and said “I just don’t know why I am so angry all the time”. They need to understand what is happening with their bodies, with their hormones, and how to handle those hormone rushes. They also need to be able to determine if a problem is really a problem, or if they are blowing it out of proportion. 

By connecting, listening, letting them vent, and then problem solving together, you are able to walk them through the steps and provide scaffolding for their social-emotional growth.  For more on tantrums, and when to walk away versus intercede read this...

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Handle a Temper Tantrum

How Well do you Handle a Tantrum?

One of my clearest early memories of parenting was when my (then) 3 yo son had a massive tantrum over brushing his teeth. Without thinking about it, and much to my husband's embarrassment, I pinned my son on the bed (almost sitting on him) and put my hand over his hand and we brushed his teeth together. His mouth was foaming with the toothpaste and he was mad - but he never again said no to brushing his teeth. 

My husband just shook his head at me and made a comment about my persistence, but instinctively I knew what researchers (M. Potegal & J. Green) now say is the best approach to deal with a tantrum. 

How to Handle a Temper Tantrum According to Research

According to the researchers, a parent’s response to a tantrum  should be different if the child is simply mad, versus being disobedient. You can not let children use a tantrum to get out of following instructions, but you should let them express their anger.  

Before we talk more about parent response, let’s break down the elements of the toddler tantrum. A tantrum is composed of two things - Anger and Distress. Distress is pretty consistently present throughout a tantrum, although there will be spikes and points of emphasis that change and then taper.  Distress is there along with the anger and actually and outlasts the anger. 

My now 13 year old would throw the fiercest tantrums of all. They were short but so strong that I recorded them from time to time - for research purposes of course.  In one particular video if have up on the blog facebook page (you can watch here) she is standing in the middle of the kitchen and is screaming, and yelling, and turning away from me, and then after about a minute doesn't really calm down, but she decides she wants me. She isn't as mad as she is just distressed at this point. So she comes over and hugs my legs and she finds her thumb and takes some deep breaths. Then I pick her up.

And this is pretty much how the tantrums would go. She had two older brothers who really didn't have time for her fits, and a mom who had no interest in her display and was mildly humored by it because she was normally such an easy child. But when has exhausted herself and decided she needed me, I was there. She was free, in the meantime, to scream it out, express that anger, and then hug it out.  Before I proceed I will admit that frequently there were older siblings laughing at the adorable tiny 2-3 year old screaming her head off. Even now as a teen, when she is upset, frequently someone will get her to laugh through her tears. 

Laughing at the child is NOT the best way to handle most temper tantrums. That just makes them more angry. Neither is trying to reason with the angry child - at any age. Just file this away for when they are 17 and furious. Rationality and anger don’t go hand in hand.

The best way to handle a temper tantrum may be to just let them be angry. Their reason for the temper tantrum however should guide your response. If they are mad just to be mad or because you did something like turn off their show, and the event is over, then let them tantrum. If they are tantruming to avoid something, you need to make them physically do what you have requested. And then after said activity is completed (teeth are brushed) if their tantrum continues, walk away.

For instance pretend they are angry because they thought they had a soccer game and they don’t. Well this doesn't require any response from you. Let them be mad and disappointed and just get on with it. Let them scream and cry and blow off steam. Walk away. Turn on some music. Ignore them. 

This is what psychologists call aptly enough Planned Ignoring and it is a good solution in most situations that don’t require a response from you. If you struggle to implement Planned Ignoring, I suggest talking to them in a quiet, calm, reassuring voice.  “Yes I hear you and I see you are very mad. I don't understand it, but we can talk when you are calm. No you can't hit the (dog, cat, baby) but here throw this (pillow?). Okay you are the floor now. Careful with your head there.” 

If however they are tantruming because they don’t want to wear clothes, or brush their teeth, or pick up their toys and you have insisted they do so, this requires a completely different response. You can not allow their tantrum to delay what you have asked them to do. The quickest and most effective way of diffusing these tantrums is a hand-over-hand approach. 

“This is your chance to show me you can pick up the toy -

if you do not do it yourself right now, I will help you pick it up”. 

And then you physically take their hand, and with your hand over it, you make them pick up that toy. You do not do it for them. You do not let them delay. Children do not like this as it takes away additional autonomy which they are trying to express in their temper tantrum. 

Tantrums are just part of growing up and not anything to be ashamed of. We all have days where our emotions seem to get the best of us. If you have a tantruming toddler, hopefully with a little intentionality you can help him or her to pass through their anger with greater ease next time. 

God Bless, Good luck, and Thanks for stopping by!

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How to Stay Connected to Your Kids by Saying Yes

As I washed the dishes for the n-teeth time today I reminded myself that I was being intentional. We always said we wanted our home to be THE home where the kids wanted to gather.  

It is one reason why we happily accepted a families gift of a fooze-ball table, and why we made the kids bunk up in one room when they were little in order to leave another room as a hang-out space. 

It is why we make sure we always have frozen pizza, microwave popcorn, and loads of ramen in the pantry. 

It is why I try to make sure the bathrooms aren't totally disgusting, dirty socks don't constantly litter the couch, and the little kids stay out of the way of the big kids. 

I want our place to be a comfortable, welcoming, easy to be at home.

But it also requires that I say yes. I say yes to brining that extra mouth home to feed, even if it means adjusting my meal plan. It means I say yes to the cookie making and hot cocoa drinking and giggles in the living room, even though I am bone tired. It means I say yes when the team comes over for a polar-bear plunge after the game, even though there are a few more loads of towels to do now before bed. 

When you have tweens or teens, staying connected with them means opening your home and your heart to their friends as well. They move in packs. They live a collective life. As my college son returned home this month it was his friends who are picked him up at the airport, then come over for a welcome home dinner.

These peers are the ones who challenge them in friendship, who teach them about loyalty. They learn to keep a secret, stand up for and sacrifice their time and attention for each other. They learn about themselves when they share their life with others.  A good friend challenges your child to do and be better. 

Saying yes to our children's friends gives us a chance to see our children in a different role. We see them as confidant, leader, cheer leader, compadre. We get a different glimpse of what type of person they are growing to be. But we only see this when we say yes, and invite those friends into our family.

So say yes to your kids and their friends, even if it complicates things for you. Say yes and connect with them. Get to know their friends and draw deeper into relationship with them all. 

Thanks for stopping by!