Five Quick Parenting Tips: How to serve your family without losing yourself.

Reclaim your time

It is easy to be swept up in caring for others. Families are busy and the demands on parents is constant. Sometimes the demands of others seem to steal the hours away from us - but it doesn't have to be that way. Here are five things you can do today to reclaim your time and better service your family without losing yourself. 

How to reclaim your time:

1. Be organized. Think of organization on a continuum. As a parent you must have flexibility to respond to others needs. At the same time you frequently have small batched of time you can utilize if you are organized. For example, can you sort the mail daily and respond without it piling up? This only worked for me when once I set aside stamps, envelopes, pen, return labels and my checkbook in a drawer together. Otherwise, I spent too much time each day looking for a pen. 

2. Don't distract yourself. It is easy to distract ourselves with screens whenever we can. When you finally have a minute to pause, take that minute to breathe and think, not just click and scroll.

3. Prioritize. Decide each week what is essential and what is ideal, then protect the essential and strive to incorporate the ideal. If it is essential that you pray for 5 minutes in the morning, protect that time. If it is essential that you hit the grocery store Monday morning or attend an important meeting then make it happen. If you really want to have coffee with a friend, schedule it, and build the rest of your time around that appointment. If you have to cancel, be sure to reschedule right away. Thinking wistfully about doing something won’t get you there. Take the small steps to make the important things happen.

4. Use your quiet time carefully. Separate your tasks into things you can do with others around (fold laundry, wash dishes), and things you need quiet time to do (read, pray, respond to calls or emails). Use your quiet time for the things that you do better or more efficiently when you are not distracted. Using your quiet time carefully enables you to be more present to your family when they want attention.

5. Work towards a simple routine. This helps your family to better anticipate when you are and are not available. My family knows I am awake at 6, but not responsive until I come downstairs closer to 645. They know I do my weekly planning on Sunday. They know I am usually in the kitchen from 5-630 each night looking for company and conversation. Even young children can learn the best time to come to you for snuggles or reading time or conversation based on your schedule not their impulses.

We all have just 24 hours in a day and we all have a responsibility to be better stewards of the time we are given. 

Being at home with the family can be personally taxing as the demands seem constant. With intentionality and purpose though you can still serve with love and devotion, and maintain some semblance of self and you grow through your vocation.  

“We must take all the care that God wishes to take about perfecting ourselves, 

and yet leave the care of arriving at perfection entirely to God” .

- St. Francis de Sales

Thanks for stopping by!

 Tips for a Happy Summer

We all want our kids to be happy, but as you enter into the summer months and have more contact with your children, I want to encourage you to help them learn and grow this summer by letting them be just a little unhappy.  

Sometimes we need a happiness reset. 

We have a tendency (called hedonic adaptation) to return to a happy-midpoint emotionally. This means that if we experience the same awesome event repeatedly, after a while it doesn't seem as awesome. We experience less pleasure from that same event. We then seek even greater pleasure to just feel the same level of happiness we felt before. A period of boredom, although generally not pleasant, will help your kids to more fully appreciate the fun parts of their day or week.  

Boredom has two components: low arousal and dissatisfaction. You can help your children to be more tolerant of boredom by building into your day times of low simulation (no screens, family prayer time, alone time), and by occasionally saying no to their requests.  Letting your children be bored is not the same thing as simply checking out and disengaging from them all day long. 

I am a huge supporter of planning and intentionality in family life. Each summer has looked dramatically different based on the kids' ages and our travel plans, but one thing that has helped is having some loose schedules posted in a central place. This can be a weekly or a daily schedule or both and I have examples in previous blogs (here and here). But I want to get you to think about providing structure when you create your schedule rather than over programming the children. Structure means having quiet time each day vs having a set time that they must read a specific book. Or building in some crafty creative time vs you planning and teaching a specific craft. When you schedule, you give them an idea for the flow of the day, you don't necessarily entertain them all day long. 

One area that is fairly structured in our home is meals. We typically have one wake up time and in previous years I make a decent breakfast for them. I do this because it will keep them from parading through the kitchen all morning and it gives them a good start. The key is consistency. Either make breakfast, or leave it up to them. But be consistent about it and provide some time frame for their meals. Breakfast 9ish,  lunch 12ish, snack 3ish and dinner 6ish works well for us. Getting everyone eating and sleeping in sync helps me escape the summer title of short-order-cook.

By providing a loose schedule, regular meal times, giving them a chance to be bored and saying no to their every demand, you all can have a happier healthier home this summer. If you have enjoyed these tips for a happy summer please share it with others!

Thanks for stopping by!

How to Help Your Teen Find A Good College Fit

As I watched friends and acquaintances work through the college selection process, I admit it was fairly overwhelming. My husband attended Duke undergraduate, I attended Scripps Women's College, and we both did our various graduate work at Arizona State University. That gave us accidental experience on the small, midsize, and large campuses. Furthermore, I have done a very little teaching at JrCo and more at ASU. So we came to the college search with a bit of experience, although it was not recent. As we reorient ourselves to the college search process as parents, rather than as students or instructors, we are learning as we go and want to pass on what we have taken-in thus far. 

Let me start by saying it is possible that college may be not in the cards for all teens. That said, if you and your teen have decided that college is the path for them, this post is for you!

1) Identify your goal and your child's goal. This will differ by family. For all of our children, we want them to have a 4 year college residential college experience that will help prepare them for a more independent life - both practically independent (living away), financially independent, and independence of thought. All of our children currently aspire to be a college graduate so this is a shared goal.

2) Explore options. For each of our children, our hope is that we can find a college that will be a good fit for them personally. This may mean a large school for one and a tiny school for another. But in the first few years of highschool, we take every opportunity to give them a chance to see college campuses.  This means when we travel to see family, we look at a college. When we travel for soccer, we look at a college. When we visit a new city, we talk about what it may like for them to live in a place like this. Our middle school and highschool are very small so the older two have both been drawn to smaller campuses which still seem to feel very large. In one long weekend we were able to walk 4 very different campuses in one region and do a great comparison. He was not particularly interested in any of the schools prior, but taking the time to walk the campus gave him a chance to personally compare and contrast. 

3) Talk about careers and majors early, but be flexible. Our sons have been interested in engineering. They may or may not pursue that. Apply to colleges without engineering programs is a waste of time and will limit their options. This doesn't mean they can't look at other majors, it simply means they have the most opportunity. Our eldest entered as an engineering major because that is the major that required the most credits. He can easily transfer out of engineering later, but he can't transfer into engineering without adding semesters. 

4) Money matters. Let's not pretend that it doesn't. We have found the best merit based scholarships go to the prospective students whom the colleges want the most. This likely means that if you have an SAT of 1400, and you apply to a school with a median SAT of 1450, you are not likely to get a lot of merit money. If however you apply to a school where you 1400 puts you in the top 5-10% of students, money will likely follow. Not all schools have merit money. Some prefer to give on a need basis only. Also, some schools offer a few full tuition scholarships, others offer quite a few full-tuition scholarships. Look at what you need to qualify for those full tuition awards and see if it is realistic for you.

5) Talk about the money openly with your teen from the beginning. Who is paying for this and how will it be possible? Do you have a 529 plan? Will you take out loans? Will your child be footing the bill for tuition and room and board? Will he or she need to work while in school? There is no sense in looking at colleges that are outside the realm of possibility financially. We have crossed great schools off the list because they are just not financially realistic, and our sons do not want to have great amounts of school debt.

6) Keep a spreadsheet. I know not everyone is into this, but a spreadsheet is an easy way to remember which schools were small/med/large, which region it was in, urban or rural, tuition/room & board, what were the median SAT, and if there is anything that stood out about the school. Our sons had/have soccer to consider as well so we include team/coach information as well. This is shareable so we can each update it or add comments ourselves. 

7) Pray about it. This is a big step for you and your young adult. Don't forget to pray every step of this journey. When my son was trying to decide between his top two schools I simply surrendered the situation to the Lord and asked Him to make it clear to my son.  The Lord know where you child should be. 

Once you take into consideration your child's preferences for things like size, region, prestige, majors, study abroad possibilities, extracurricular opportunities, price tag, and residential situation, you may find that that overwhelming list of schools has narrowed itself down naturally. With only one in college now and a few more to go we will be sure to update as we learn more in this process. Until then good luck with your own searches!

Your Summer Sanity Saver

Summer vacation schedules are a must. 

That was the firm resolution I found in my heart when I awoke this morning. 

Loosely scripted routines for daily family life have been a sanity saver in summers past but I have let a lot of things slide recently; my beloved routines are one of them.

Routines are my biggest ally in the battle again the screens. 

I have fretted about screens and screen time since my oldest first picked up the remote many many years ago. Today’s earlier-than-normal awakening brought with it confidence that I need to clearly re-communicate expectations and be firm with TV time, iPad, and phone access. I need to reset my expectations for the younger children especially because they have different needs and different rules than the big in our home. Their brains are so sensitive to the good stimulation in our natural world, and (the far less-good) unnatural stimulation from the electronics. 

Neurologists are now reporting actual evidence of actual evolutionary changes occurring in the brains and skulls of young people in response to the dramatic increase in time spent on devices. 

In terms of actual amount of screen time, two hours a days seems generous to me, restrictive to the little ones, and impossible for the older ones. Yet whenever we tighten the rules on screens we are rewarded and their imaginations are unlocked. By making a schedule for your day and week, the child can see when they will have their beloved screens, but also know when they are expected to do other things. 

Making your own summer schedule isn’t hard. Start with your ideal bedtime and meal times. Add in quiet time/naps, activity/craft, errands, exercise (swimming, walks etc. based on your weather), free time & screen time.  Sketch it all out on paper and if your spouse is around ask for feedback/buy in. It only works when all the adults are on the same team. Don’t plan every moment, but rather chunks of 2-3 hours. 

If possible add in a weekly excursion: community pool, library, park, museum, zoo, play date. This way your child knows if they want to do something extra, there is room in the weekly schedule for it. Also consider including at the bottom some ideas for fun when they get bored: build something, write something, dream of something, sing something, explore something, make something for someone else. Lastly, build in some fun or relaxation for you too every day and try not to fill that time with chores. For more on making that practically happen read this post from a few years ago (here). 

Once you have it all well formed, draw it up on a big poster board or some art paper and post it where it is visible. When the kids get bored, they can reference the schedule and see that lunch is soon, or they can swim after nap time. It helps them build their patience and ability to wait for the fun.  One word of caution Don’t be a slave to your schedule, but rather use it as scaffolding for your day.  Be flexible and have fun. It is your summer vacation too after all! 

Thanks for stopping by!

PS - check out my Instagram (here) for our summer schedule this year

PPS- also check out these 10 tips (here) for summer success including a throw back to what our schedule looked like when the big ones were little. 

You Earned This

You earned this consequence. 

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks "but maaaaaaaammm this is soooooo unfaaaaaaair." Repeatedly we seem to be having the same conversation, or echoes of the same conversation. And inevitably it ends with me being unfair.

I whispered to my husband who sat quietly nearby pretending not to listen.

 

"Am I on track here?" 

"Yes".

I keep coming back to the notion that punishments are not arbitrarily dealt in our home. Consequences are not given - they are earned through behavior. They are a predictable response. When words fail to bring about the necessary correction, we reach a point where continuing to talk won’t suffice. 

There is a bit of cognitive behavioral theory at work here. The mind is both incredibly complicated and also fairly simple as well. When we offer a reward for certain behavior, we are encouraging that behavior. Similarly we can encourage a behavior by taking away some negative stimuli. When we take away a pleasurable thing, we are discouraging the behavior. By giving a punishment or painful response, we also discourage the behavior. 

It is important to talk about things, but talking doesn’t always change the behavior as desired. As parents, we need to exert the least about of force in order to elicit the proper response in the child, because ultimately we do want the child’s internal motivation for good to do most of the work. Their hedonistic tendencies and poor executive functioning means we sometimes need to step in and add some external motivators for behavior. All of this is happening in a time when we are striving to connect and relate to a loved one who is naturally pulling away from us and forming their own concepts of who they are. 

No doubt my daughter will remember this consequence into her adult years. With God’s grace she will remember it as the time when she realized mom and dad really meant what they said, and not remember it in some other distorted way. A parent’s words, promises, rules, and standards should be upheld. Children push, test, and stress those ideas to see if they will stand. Our job is to show them that we are reliable. We mean what we say. We are consistent and intentional about our parenting. We won’t be swayed when we are on the proper path. 

As My Oldest grabbed his keys and headed to the door for school he simply said, “You guys are doing the right thing. I still remember when you took away my play station for a month”.

I don’t feel great about the situation. Although I have peace, my heart hurts that her heart is hurting. I know I would feel guilt if I just let her off the hook. My job is to help her grow, not to coddle her, lower our standards, and let her be the comfortable version of herself. I want her to be the best version of herself, which requires hard work and perseverance. 

Raising teens is hard. I am finding more and more with my daughters especially that I need to keep praying for spiritual detachment. I cannot parent them with the primary goal of receiving their love and affection. That is both ineffective and disordered. I must parent them with the goal of helping them and myself to grow in goodness. 

Holiness is the objective, not friendship. 

For more on motivation theory and how it can help inform your parenting practices read this post (here). 

Fostering Imagination

We took a little field trip this month to the Pioneer Village. In previous years, the trip was a standard in the school field trip cycle, but never been a family favorite. I was curious as to why it failed to please because the website looks amazing. I gathered my daughter and a friend, packed lunches, and headed west.

Our trip did little to clear up why it was listed at the bottom of the list. This year the girls had an absolute blast. They performed a little show on the stage in the Opera House, counted money and learned how to use a scale to measure gold at the bank, talked to the carpenter about the tools he used, tried to pump water up by the mines, learned about chamber pots, talked on a phone in the old phone booths, and pretended to be 'wanted'.  

As I watched them taking turns being the banker, I marveled at their ability to step back into time and take on different characters. 

They loved the pretend play and to use their ability to put themselves roles and be completely in the moment together. 

Our children have really suffered lately in their opportunities for social interaction, and because of this, make-believe play may take on an even greater role in children's social development. 

We know from decades of research that free play or make-believe play is vital for children's normal development because it provides a forum for the expression of a multitude of skills including decision making, persistence, creativity,  and learning in general. This practice does seem to transfer to real life situations (unlike the skills that are practiced online, or in video game type virtual scenarios). Rather than learning to respond as one does in online play, make-believe play fosters a greater depth of creativity. Make-believe play is also associated with increased capacity of self-steering which in turn is foundational for mental flexibility, intrinsic motivation, and internal locus of control. 

Spontaneous self-initiated play is a normal developmental skill that we should encourage. If you want your 2 - 9 year old to be a creative thinker, motivated internally with confidence that their actions make a difference in the world, you need to unplug the TV, turn off the WiFi, and give them some wooden blocks, a box of dress up clothes, a chance to play the role of chef or scientist in the kitchen. Or maybe just send them outside to build a fort and figure it out. 

The little ones and I had such a great time playing at the Pioneer Village, I finally asked my older kids why they had found it boring. As we discussed it, the answer became clear. They experienced the field trip when they were too old. The curriculum and field trip topics over lapped, so of course it seemed like a good fit. In reality, the students at this age had moved out of make-believe play. Instead of stepping back into time, the middle school students were irritated by the dust, thought the talks were boring, and had no interest in role playing. 

If you have little ones in your care, encourage their imaginative play in any way you can. Take them on the fun excursions, get them the dress up clothes, and stoke their imaginations. The time will come when they put the costume box aside and use their imagination in different ways perhaps, through music or writing or art. If you have an older child who balks at pretend play, seek different ways to engage his or her imagination. Buy him or her a sketch pad and nice pencils and look for some online tutorials or check out a library book about drawing. As in most areas of parenting, finding the right developmental fit it key for growth in imagination. 

Imagination is more important than Knowledge. 

Knowledge is limited. 

Imagination encircles the world. 

- Albert Einstein

Thanks for stopping by!

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Readying Kids to Return to Mass

 Why do we have to go back to church in-person?

Why can’t we just watch Mass online?

What if we get sick?

But we don’t have to go to Mass, so why are we going?

Can’t I just watch Mass later?

 

These are some of the questions I have heard over the passing months as our family navigated shut downs, waves of quarantines, and now some of us are dipping our toes back into society and full communion with The Church. How we answer our children’s questions, will help them to understand with some clarity, why any of us ever go to Mass.

Helping your children understand why we attend Mass is a life lesson.

 

We attend Mass weekly because our souls need to be in contact with Jesus.  The Eucharist sustains us. Now, more than ever, we need the supernatural strength found in the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, present in the Most Blessed Sacrament. We don’t attend because it is an outward obligation. We attend because our souls require it.  Thus, we attend when we can, if we can,  even when the dispensation is in place.

 

Watching Mass online allows us to listen to scripture, and the Homily helps apply that scripture to our daily lives, but Catholics are not Sola Scriptura. We are a sacramental people. Our souls long for confession, for Eucharist, for connection with the Lord in these most intimate ways.

 

If we ourselves are healthy and able, we go. If we are careful and follow the guidelines, many of us can safely worship together and participate in this celebration and sacrifice of the Mass. It is important not to put physical comfort or irrational fear above spiritual health.

 

Prepare your children for the changes they will see when they enter the Sanctuary. Pews are now taped off, sanitizer is in place, Holy Water has been removed and the passing of the peace is skipped over. Offering baskets may no longer float the pews, and at our parish carpets have indicators to remind us of social distance. It looks different. It feels different. Depending on the attitude of your priest and parishioners, the members of the congregation may, or may not, be wearing masks. All this said, the beauty of the Mass remains as it has for 2000 years. The important things remain the same.

 

We are all trying to make sense of the risks and weigh those risks for our own families against the rewards of a fully sacramental life. God willing, at some point, those who have been participating in online worship rather than in-person Mass, will return to the Sanctuary. Hopefully by reflecting upon why we attend in person will help us all to appreciate the Sacrifice of the Mass more deeply, and help us all to draw closer to Him.

For more tips like these be sure to catch my podcast Parenting Smarts, or join me on Instagram.

Thanks for stopping by!

Cultivating Goodness in a Culture of Fear

Fear is the path to the Dark Side.

Fear leads to anger,

Anger leads to hate,

Hate leads to the suffering.

-Yoda (Phantom Menace, 1999).

I am not a Star Wars fan, but this quote by Yoda is one that stayed with me. In the past year, I have repeatedly thought about these words as we witnessed what happens to a world when fear runs unchecked - No, not unchecked, but rather promoted. 

In the early days of the pandemic, a retired police officer told me to prepare for massive civil unrest. She said that anytime you have a community living in fear, whose government puts in restrictions (as we anticipated would be coming), you have civil unrest in some form. Because fear leads to anger.

Neither of us knew what the trigger would be, but as a sociology major she knew that something would happen, because anger would soon follow the fear that was already growing around us. 

The anger unleashed, rather dissipating in a cathartic wave, grew into hatred as it was stoked by social media, cancel culture, a lack of national leadership, and social justice warriors taking up the mantle of not just reporter, but also that of judge and jury. 

Hatred towards entire occupations.

Hatred towards entire political parties.

Hatred towards our entire economic system.

Hatred towards our entire judicial system.

Hatred towards our entire democratic process.

Hatred towards our own brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors.

Rather than a constructive critique and transformation of processes that was failing us, we heard a call for utter destruction. A razing of our way of life. 

Rather than civil discussions with friends, we turned to division and conflict. When someone failed to agree with our opinion, we were shocked by their ignorance. There was no longer room for ideas that were different. Diversity once considered good, is now considered evil. 

Rather than I love you and I am sorry, rather than I forgive you or I don't see it that way, we accused one another of being unconscious, or worse harboring a cruelty of heart. 

Rather than teaching and leading and listening to one another, we assaulted one another's very character. 

Evil already roamed the earth, but this year we invited it into our communities, into our friendships, and into our homes. We taught our children how to recognize and point out ignorance in others, rather than teaching them how to recognize intellectual elitism and pride within our own selves. We invited in the fear, we stoked the anger, we justified the hatred as righteousness and we cultivated evil in our sacred domestic churches. 

It is time we undo it. Remove it. Cast it out. If we fail to root it out now, we pass fear, anger, hate and suffering along as a legacy to our children. 

We start by driving out the fear, and this can only be achieved through Perfect Love. 

Shut out the voices of anger and division and replace them with reminders to Love for the Lord and all of His creation. Invest, trust, and believe in your relationship with the Lord above all else and remain in His peace. Give specific thanks for the tangible things each day. Assume the best of others, not the worst. 

Be prudent, be just, be merciful, and be hopeful. You can not cultivate goodness without first driving out the fear. And don't wait. Your children are watching, listening, and learning. 

How Should We Talk To Our Kids About Crisis?

How do we talk to our kids in during a National Crisis? It is a question I have received a number of times in the last 24 hours as we watched our institution of democracy undermined in an afternoon and into an evening. 

In a National crisis, some of us try to absorb as much media as we can. Others avoid.

As members of this still-great federal republic, we have an obligation to be aware, but as adults we need to protect our children. We don’t have permission to obsess and neglect and bring fear into our home.

This year has given us multiple opportunities to sit on our sofa with the news and our phones, and doomscroll while we soak in the fear and anger of others. And there is much about which to be angry.

But as parents, we have an obligation to personally educate and protect our children. It is our job to do this. We must be the filter, the translator, the primary educator. We must provide context for what they see, answers to their question, soothe their concerns, and then recognize when we should turn it all off and play a game of cards together.

Children need reassurance that they are safe, that their world is good, and that there us hope for our future. Our conversations should convey that. Our interactions and responses should provide that.

Parents are their child’s primary protector. If your child is young, this means sheltering them from information they can not cognitively comprehend. If they are older, it means being honest about the world and providing much needed context for the events they see. 

We live in a fallen world, and evil is real. People have free will and make poor choices that put the lives of others in danger. The choices we make have consequences. These are all lessons that are being showcased. 

Here are 5 things parents should do:

First, you need to turn off the news. Let your children know what is happening. Show them a bit if you want, but endless steaming of violence and hate and abuse and anger shouldn’t be allowed in any home. The stress caused by the news is real for both adults and children alike. You can always flip it back on when they go to bed.

Secondly, if you don’t know the facts, find out rather than pretending. If you don’t know the difference between a riot, a protest, an act of sedition or an act of domestic terrorism, look it up. If they ask a new question, seek an answer together. Don’t rely on the non-expert. Experts share their knowledge freely.

Third, simplify your explanations and allow the child to ask for more. Too often adults dump information on children rather than letting them explore the issue together. A child who requires a one sentence answer doesn’t need to hear a dissertation about the subject, your thoughts, feelings, and fears for the future.

Fourth, be careful with your language. Always, never, but... these are words to use sparingly. Speak with charity and wisdom. And if you don’t have anything nice to say, then say a prayer. 

Lastly, look and listen. Some children will be upset even though you do everything right. Some children are more sensitive or fearful. If they need extra help, attention, or just more TLC, give it to them.

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for passing this blog post along. 

For more parenting tips follow along on Instagram @Dr.MaryruthHackett or subscribe to my podcast Parenting Smarts. 

How to Raise a Reader: Five easy things all parents can do

A few years back, I wrote a blog post with some tips on how to teach your child to read (available here). I still love that post, but now that I am homeschooling my 8 year old, I realize even more clearly that teaching your child to read is only the first step. Helping them develop a love of literature is something different all together.  I alluded to this fact in the initial post, but now that I am in the trenches with a reluctant reader, I wanted to revisit the research and add a bit to the discussion.  Here are my five tips for helping your child develop an appreciation for literature.  In short, here is how you can help raise a reader.

1) Model Reading.  If you spend your day on electronics and your evenings in front of the TV, don’t be surprised when your children want to do the same thing. You are showing them what you value. If however, you regularly read books, discuss them with friends and family members, and have them around the house, you are showing your children that reading is an important thing to do with your time. Make literature part of your family culture. 

2) Escape in a Book Together. Children’s books can sometimes be simplistic especially for bright children. Take on a more challenging author together, and let them relax and escape to the sound of your voice reading good literature. There are some good middle-school level books that will engage both you and your child. This will also give you something to share, something to talk about, and some quality, low-pressure time together. If your child doesn’t want to sit, don’t make them. Active children may need to move or color while you read. That is okay too. Now that my older children are in High School, we are enjoying reading some of the same books (just at different times). It has given me a renewed appreciation of the classics, as well as an appreciation of how hard they work to get through some of the tougher works. 

3) Materials Matter.  Let them choose their own books. My four children all have different favorite books, and different favorite genres. Let them choose what they read; don’t force it. If they hate mystery, try animal stories, or historical fiction, or nonfiction, or children’s classics, or adventures, or sports… get my point? Let them find their niche and don’t be judgmental about it. Starting a book and then deciding not to finish it is not a sin. The world is full of other literary choices. 

4) Eliminate the Competition. When given the option, many children would prefer to watch TV or play video games or run outside rather than settle down with a book. Eliminate the other options. Build reading time into your schedule. If they want to just sit quietly with a book on their lap not reading, then that is okay too. You can’t force them. But if they have an interesting book at their reading level, they will probably crack it open and dive into the story.

5) Motivate Them.  With some of my little ones, we have needed to institute a 1:1 (or 1:2 rule). You can have 1 minute of electronics for every 1 minute of reading.  We found a small, timer bookmark recently and are using that with my youngest now. She sets the timer and can keep track of her time with the book. 

In our busy, distracted culture, developing a love of reading is not likely to happen on accident. It takes intentionality to cultivate an appreciation of literature. 

If your child is still struggling to read by the third or fourth grade, talk with her teacher or the pediatrician. She may need a different approach to instruction and internalization of the processes required for reading, before she can really enjoy a good book. 

Happy reading & thanks for stopping by!

Parenting the Preschooler: 8 Tips for helping children develop respect for your rules & requests

The preschool years are full of fun and excitement, but they can also bring tears and frustration as the child's budding personality, wants, and desires, find themselves in conflict with yours.

One of the biggest struggles with preschoolers is that their growing independence and abilities aren't necessarily paired with an increased desire to follow your rules or requests. Preschoolers get caught up in play and can be curious as they explore their environment more freely. They have strong feelings, but lack the perspective taking abilities to recognize that you have feelings and wants as well.  By age three or four, preschoolers become experts at really testing the rules to see if they apply in all situations, every day, as they question if you really mean what you say. But there is hope. Here are 8 tips for navigating the preschool years and helping your child be successful at following your rules and requests.

1) Stay positive and redirect. The old tool of toddlerhood is still effective with many three or four year olds. Rather than saying NO all day, strive to say YES by giving them other options.

2) Use simple explanations for your requests. You don't have to justify your rules or requests, but if you explain them, your child is more likely to remember the rule and may even begin to generalize. Children at this age don't naturally realize that if you say "no jumping on the bed" that actually means "no jumping on the furniture".  Explaining why you have the rules helps them to make sense of their world.

3) Be consistent. If you say "No eating on the couch", but let them have popcorn on the couch before bed you are undermining yourself and confusing them. Set specific rules and follow those rules as a family.

4) Look for patterns related to the problems. If you are struggling, look for patterns to the disobedience. Is it primarily when she is tired? If it is related to something specific (putting away toys or backtalk or bedtime drama)? Troubleshoot the specific problem. Maybe she needs a little more guidance or has a little problem you need to work out together. When my oldest son was this age he had a huge problem whenever we went to get his hair cut. He finally confessed he was scared the stylist was going to cut off his ears. If there is a particularly tough situation, dig a little deeper to get to the issue.

5) Offer both a request and a reward. One of my go-to approaches with all ages is to make a request paired with some little thank you. Let me know when you take out the trash and then we can play that card game together. When you are done cleaning your room, we can have lunch. Make sure you finish up your chores before you come to join us swimming. You get the gist. This gives them an objective to work towards after the work is done. It helps them stay focused and motivated until the end.

6) Follow up with simple discipline when rules are broken. Eliminate the drama and give firm follow-up, allowing the consequence to be the punishment, rather than just your complaining. Don't loose your cool. "I asked you to pick up your toys before you turned on the TV and you did not do that. Now you won't be able to watch TV at all, and your toys are going in the box for the next few days". Keep it as simple as possible.

7) Recognize that testing your rules is her job right now. Your job is to help her understand those rules and respect your authority. Expect her to test, and prepare yourself with your reaction plan.

8) Shower her with more attention. When we experience conflict in a relationship, sometimes an extra dose of affection can move us in the right direction. Your child needs to know that your love is not tied to her behavior. She was created by God to love and be loved. When children are secure in their love, they respond better to the feedback, guidance, and discipline.

The preschool years are rough in many ways. Hopefully these tips will help you switch your approach and give you the confidence you need to proceed at the task of raising your child to have respect for you, your rules, and your requests. God's blessing on you and your family through these difficult times and situations.

If you want more on discipline or obedience at any age, check out episodes 24 and 34 of the podcast where I expand on both of these topics.

Thanks for stopping by!

The End of Pandemic Parenting

A friend said recently, “It is as if we are living in some dystopian novel”.

Like many of you, I have been slowly adjusting. I have been thinking of this time as “a time that is set away”- different and somehow almost suspended.

When we first embarked on our Springtime of Pandemic Parenting, I suggested that we all relax a little. That was when I thought that by the time summer rolled around, I would be vacationing far away countries, and visiting colleges with my oldest, rather than living each day in my same t-shirt, answering the routine question “What are we going to do today?” with the routine answer “Not much”. 

Early on, I encouraged you all to be a little more child-led in your approach to the Spring. Let your kids watch movies and play their video games. Let them Facetime their friends and make messes creating with all those amazon boxes. Whatever you needed to do in order to just survive the realities of living together 24/7, for this short period of time, was unlikely to create lasting damage in your children.

And here we are many months, MONTHS – not- weeks- later, and it is time to change our mindset. Because the “time-out-of-time approach“ works on vacation, or summer break, or some shortish time frame. But it is not the optimal approach for everyday parenting.

How to Raise Anti-Racist Kids

For Christmas this year, I got Dr. Crystal Fleming’s 2018 book How to be Less Stupid about Race. In it, Fleming writes “living in a racist society socializes us to be stupid about race”.  The main premise of her book, is that the current broader culture, in her words “exposes us all to absurd and harmful ideas that, in turn, help maintain the status quo” p3. When something is part of the mainstream culture, it becomes our normal. Good-hearted people, can then contribute to the pain and suffering of others, without realizing it. With the proliferation of thoughts and ideas, of opinions and emotions, ignorance to the issues of race can no longer be an excuse for perpetuating racism.

Addressing issues of racism from a parenting approach, can be a way to address the culture in our own home- how we look at situations, how and when we discuss things on the news, with whom we socialize and how we interact with others, how we answer difficult questions. In and through our conversations, we can work to change the culture in our homes, and can continue to change our culture as a whole. Change happens on a micro-system level in the 1:1 interactions we have with our children and our friends.

Development of Racism

Racism is a way of thinking about something – it is a thought process that begins with stereotypes, biases, and prejudices based on an oversimplification or a generalization of groups or people.  This starts as soon as we notice differences, because our brains strive for simplification – our brains are going to try to classify, generalize, and oversimplify. We have to combat this because racism, biases and prejudices are inherently evil.

By age two, children recognize physical differences and by age 3 and 4 children start classifying things, including people. Children may start questioning why people have different hair or skin tones, and just like with gender they don’t necessarily see race as salient.  By age 4 children show age preferences – then by age 8, children come to understand racial constancy. And this is really a ripe time to talk about cultural awareness and racial identity.  Obviously as questions come up, we can and should talk about it with younger children as well. We should not shy away from dialogue. There is nothing shameful about talking about race.

Lasting Lessons for Your New Graduate

Is your graduate suddenly someone you WANT to see leave the house? Doors slamming, eye rolling, sarcastic remarks, insults that cut to the core? Or maybe they have just checked out and are escaping for as long as possible to spend time with friends.

No worries. It is all normal. Don't take it personally. Actually, take it as a compliment. Because it means two things.

1- Leaving you is going to be hard.

2- Your Child is ready to leave.

Separating themselves physically and emotionally is part of the Senior year process. Your graduates should feel ready to leave. They should be excited and a little wound up about leaving. They should be just a little worried about how they are going to get by without their safety net. Trying to cut that net now is okay.

How it manifests is different in every family, but many graduates who are leaving in the fall, turn a little vicious, or become apathetic towards those in their normally close knit family. They spend as much time away from the home, with friends (or acquaintances),  or  working. They want to start to create space between themselves and you. They become distant.

It is hard. It is terrible. It can be heartbreaking. But it is normal. And they probably don't even realize they are doing it.

But Everybody Else is Doing It: Addressing FOMO as a Family

But Everybody else gets go, 

Everybody else gets to play, 

Everybody else gets to watch it, 

Everybody else has one...

The tears, the drama, the frustration. Kids struggle with it, but adults do as well. As parents, we have not only a responsibility, but also an obligation to help our children process these feelings. The simple words we use give our children a framework for looking at the self in relation to others. Responding in the wrong way, handicaps their reasoning, and can set them up for future trouble.

Most of us have fallen prey to the temptation of comparison and the resulting imprudence. We see the experiences of others and we want them for ourselves. It is normal to want the best for ourselves - to desire the stuff, the experiences, and the relationships we see in or of others.

There are typically three areas where we struggle: How we spend our time, our money, or how we actually behave. The struggle we face is often grounded in either feelings of entitlement or a fear of missing out (FOMO). Both are made worse when we live our lives by comparison.

Comparison, Entitlement and FOMO

Comparison is a wicked weed in our interior life. Once planted it takes root and twists and turns causing unrest and distress, both above and deep below in the soil of our soul.

Entitlement comes from an arrogance and pride-fullness. We feel entitled to rewards when we work hard and similarly expect recognition for our achievements.  We glimpse what others have, and rather than celebrate their fortune, we question why they have what we still desire. We put our worthiness above that of someone else.

How to Parent in a Pandemic

Parenting in the current climate is hard.  For many of us it is harder than we would have thought it would be. Having our own children around and spending time at home with our spouse aren’t traditionally seen as hardships. However, fear of illness, employment uncertainty, frustration, with new learning processes, and a loss of our own social support are new trials we are struggling to endure.

For those fortunate to still have gainful employment, there are stresses of working at home with children to parent during the day. For families experiencing job loss, unemployed or underemployed, uncertainty regarding meeting their families basic needs exists, and this breeds fear and anxiety.

Fear and anxiety love to grow in uncertain times. When we lack a mental schema, or a mental representation for how to proceed, our creative instincts can get the best of us.  We have so few answers, and no real understanding of how or when this will end, what our culture will look like, when can we return to regular mass, what will happen with the schooling in the fall.

If we were “just” and I use just in air quotes, experiencing an economic recession, we would sort of know what to expect. We have been through some of those. If we were just experiencing (again with air quotes) a big flu season, we may know better what to expect, when it will go away. 

The fact we aren’t able to plan for the future makes this so much harder.

We need to balance the reality of the day-to-day difficulty with the truth that parenting is our vocation.  Just as God can bring good from suffering, as parents we can invite Him to bring increased goodness into our homes now.

We parent in the present, we love in the present, we live in the present. So we can take this time to learn to be more present. Don’t worry about the future – Saint Padre Pio said “Pray hope, and don’t worry.”

That doesn’t mean being less intentional about your parenting.

We should all take some time to think about how we want our kids to remember this time (read more about thathere). We have a beautiful opportunity to spend time with, and connect with our kids in such a unique way right now, but we need to be intentional about it. The intensity with which we parent now has changed as has and the opportunity to play a bigger role in our children’s lives.  

Being present and living more in the moment is the answer to more fully embracing the opportunities we have at home now.

The research on stress tells us that if we are under stress, we either need to remove the stressor, or we need to change our reaction to the stress. We can’t remove our children, or spouse, or the threat of illness, so we have to change our reaction to the stress. 

Pandemic Parenting: The reality of limits to screen time and what really matters

I reached for my bible. while balancing the cup of coffee and journal and pen, and reached for the door nob. As the door creaked open and the fresh morning air greeted me I heard the dramatic opening notes of Star Wars thunder from the other room. These are the moments of motherhood - when we have to decide to go to battle, or choose to ignore the less than perfect choices made by those little ones in our care.

I stepped into the sunshine and let the door latch behind me.

As a mother of two teen sons and two younger daughters, I live the reality of how tough it is to place screen limitations on my household members. When a child is a 30lb - 3 year old and would just as soon be playing with her dolls or coloring, limit the screen time is pretty easy. But it is not so easy when the child is a 120 lb - 12 year old or a 165 lb.- 17 year old who just wants to veg out or talk with his friends (on the headset) as they play a game online together.  The social world of teens is now largely online. Texting, social media, and online gaming is how they communicate. Covid has made it a time of almost exclusively remote-relationships for our children.

The difficulty of the situation is compounded by the reality that we can't escape one another. Many parents are working at home, squirreled away in little corners or reclaimed desks. My husband is living a self-imposed life of exile in our bedroom as he tunes in remotely to accomplish his tasks. I bounce between children as does my computer. On rare occasion neither myself or my laptop is required, I admit want to be left alone for a little while to write, edit, catch up on emails or just scroll. Letting my kids zone out to screens for short bursts of time has alway been my go to when I need a breather, but many families are experiencing huge amounts of guilt now as their children's viewing or video game play has increased.

We worry as they exceed the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation of 2 hours a day. But some of our children are spending 2 hours a day on screens with their teachers in distance learning. Does that mean everything over that is detrimental? 

Do what is best for the family at the time

Much of the research on screen time is based on what we call a deficit model. If the children are viewing excessively, that means they are being deprived of other activities or other stimulation. But what the children are doing on line makes a difference, and what they would be doing otherwise makes a difference too.

Intentionality Part Two

Intentionality 

If you missed Part One: Being intentional with God, but sure to check that out as well! 

Part Two: Being intentional with our children

In order to excel in any vocation one must be intentional about what one does.  Aren't your best days as mothers the days that you actually say "hey, lets do this".  It doesn't have to be something extraordinary – it can be a simple as having dinner outside on a blanket – but it is intentional!  Think about how much of your day you let others have control of …or how much you plan in advance (ie. Mondays groceries, Tuesday laundry)… those of us with older kids are dealing with their schedules and the youngsters have their important routines.  

Routines and schedules are critical for young kids especially because they leave kids feeling safe in a fairly unpredictable world. I am not suggesting being unpredictable. I am suggesting you be intentional about your parenting and your relationship with your spouse.  Developmental psychology tells us that the more routine you are with your kids, the better they are at being flexible when you need them to be so.

Intentionality Part One

Intentionality

Are we caotic and messy? A little kaos and a little mess is great, but too much leaves us with no opportunity to reflect, to mediate, to pray, to listen, to think. We need to do these things for ourselves and for our families. If we don't take time (not having time is an excuse) to think about what we are doing then we are simply existing and we are not being intentional. In order to excel in any vocation one must be intentional about what one does. It doesn't matter WHAT your occupation is, you won't excel at it if you just show up and go through the motions. This is a tough time for our whole country, our whole culture. We are being asked to sacrifice much for the greater good. Intentionality will help us all survive the craziness and maybe come out better for it in the end. With that in mind, Here is Part of One of a game plan for living intentionally as mothers and fathers.  

Part I: Be Intentional About Your Relationship with God

If we expect to have Christ in our hearts and homes…Shouldn't we be intentional about getting to know GOD? Do you think you know all there is to know about God? Or do you just know enough? Are you comfortable with your relationship with the Lord? Do you hunger for more? Are you a lukewarm Christian? You show up for service each week, you pray a routine prayer before bed each night...you love God right? Do you WORK for that relationship? How do you love someone if you don't know them?  Have you EVER known someone that you didn't EVER have to work to get to know?  

Do the work. 
Too often we expect someone (like our priest) to do all the work for us. The priest is then a mutual friend that we and The Lord have in common – we only know God through this person rather than having our own relationship with Him. We are so blessed to have truly wonderful priests who have a brilliant understanding of tradition and scripture. Our journey to personal sanctification needn't be completely dependent upon these individuals.

God is there for us to know. He is there for us to know in the BIBLE. Get to know God through The Word – Jesus was the Word made flesh. God is available to us in prayer. To have a real relationship with someone you must enter into dialogue with them and LISTEN. Set time aside for Him – for fellowship with those who know Him, for study, for prayer, for reflections. Join bible studies, go to adoration and just be in His presence, sign up for an online workshop, read scripture.

Be a role model. 
We need to be a role model of an intentional relationship with God...for ourselves and for our kids –

No Advent Fails

As usual I had lofty goals for Advent this year. My Advent journal was prepped and ready, the decorations were up, many of the gifts were purchased, and I even bought my purple and rose colored candles ahead of time.

And as usual my goals of really entering into the season, and spending time in deep contemplation about the arrival of my Lord and Savior in the form of a little baby, went unrealized.

Each year I have some excuse. This year I got sick. Not deathly ill, or even super sick requiring Rx or a trip to the doctor. No, I just got a really persistent upper respiratory something.  It came the first Sunday of Advent and just hung around all month. It sucked my energy, my motivation, and kept me at an arms length (or more) from many friends and families.

And it slowed me down. In a time of hustle and bustle, this little bug dropped me into first gear and I sort of trudged through life. The result of this dampening of energy meant that the class party I had to organize was fine rather than great (no one seemed to care that the hot cocoa was actually chocolate milk), the Christmas cards did not go out (or even get addressed), the family ate quite a few more take-and-make dinners than normal (and enjoyed every bite), the gifts were simplified all round (who cares if the packages have bows), and we left the Christmas party early (unnoticed I am sure).

So what if we only lit the Advent candles a few nights each week. Advent isn't about lighting candles, or planning the perfect party or sending an amazing card. Like all of our special times in the church calendar, Advent is about living life differently. Sometimes those special times are feast days, sometimes they are fasting days, sometime they are seasons of preparation, but they are different for a reason. They shock our system. They help us to notice a truly Joyful or Reverent time. Advent is a time to prepare for that truly Joyful time of Christmas.

Too often we hope for a grand revelation during our Advent or Lent season. We look for a conversion of our own heart, without realizing that when align our hearts to Christ, we are continually being transformed. This Advent I had to slow dow.  Really slow down. I had to choose what was important, what was urgent, and what could be left out. And then I just let go of it all. I stead of getting out of bed to read my journal and write and reflect, I stayed in bed and just prayed. Good prayer. Just talking with Jesus in the silence of the early hours and resting in His love.  And that is how I prepared. It wasn't extravagant, or complicated, or even recommended, but it worked. It wasn't a Fail. And now we get to celebrate.

As this New Year approaches what sort of goals are you going to set for yourself? Are they going to be lofty-impossible-to-achieve goals that leave you deflated and defeated as the first flowers of spring pop up, or are they going to be less measurable goals that lead to a transformation in your heart and mind?