The Parent's Role at Playtime

A few years ago I caused myself an embarrassing moment when I yelled at my kids

“would you guys just GROW UP - you’re acting like a bunch of children!”.

The comment, said in desperation, caused a further eruption of laughter from the little-ish one and smirks and chuckles from the big-ish kids.

Play is hugely important to children. A study out last spring by Metafuria and colleagues (2020) found continued evidence that parents' belief and support of play in preschool aged children is associated with greater play in the home and better children’s performance on neurological tests of executive functioning. When children engage in frequent pretend play for instance they have better inhibitory control.  This study adds to a huge body of research stemming back to the 1972 theories of Piaget on the importance of play for development. 

But what about the parents playing? What role should we play in it. A team from Stanford led by Jelena Obradovic’ reported findings recently that suggest parents actually need to back off when it comes to play. They looked at playtime behaviors of kindergarten aged children and found that parents who were more directive, provided more verbal feedback, questions suggestions, or instruction, had children who exhibited greater difficulty with self-regulation of behavior and emotions, and performed worse on executive functioning tasks.

In a second study, the researchers found that with older children, the association between parental over involvement and children’s lower executive functioning is present when the child is highly focused on a task, rather than simply passively engaged. 

Their work suggests that when it comes to play, we parents need to just let our kids play. If your child is focused on something, be it LEGOs or their geometry homework, let them work it out but be available to support if and when they ask for help. If they are passively engaged in something or doing other work like maybe a jigsaw puzzle that involves a different type of cognitive work, your involvement or engagement is not likely to be detrimental and can even be supportive. 

Does this mean you are completely off the hook for playtime? Nope. 

Parent-child play time is essential to the building of Social Skill Sets. In particular, parent-child pretend play as well as physical play, is associated with skill sets related to  gross motor, leadership, cognition, emotional regulation and even stress regulation. The important thing is to let the child lead when you are engaged in play together, and to help them develop independent play as well. In this previous blog post I discuss how to best play with your child based on Vygotsky’s principles of guided participation, scaffolding, and intersubjectivity. 

For more on how to adopt a more playful attitude in life in generally you should read this.

Now go have some fun!

Wisdom and Aging

I was recently prepping to deliver a guest lecture for a college class about aging when I came across some great research.  We know that as people age, they typically move from being interested in novel experiences and meeting new people, to wanting to spend time with close friends and loved ones.  Younger people tend to seek new people and new adventures while older people appreciate their routine and loved ones.  However, on researcher found that  this tendency to prefer spending time with loved ones (rather than seeking out new relationships) is also found with individuals who have a terminal illness, irrespective of age.

You see, it appears that what we had assumed was some psychological thing that happened due to aging, is really more a condition associated with the knowledge that our days are numbered.  We want to make the most of the time we have left here on earth, and spend that time wisely.

“So teach us to number our days 

that we may get a heart of wisdom”

Psalm 90:12. 

Do you have a heart of wisdom? Where do you prioritize loved ones? Are you seeking new adventures when your real love is right before you? 

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Middle Adulthood and the Midlife Crisis: What is it all about?

I recently had the privilege of guest lecturing about "Mid-life" for a college human development course.  While prepping for the presentation, I came across some great stuff that I had never really considered personally.  When I studied this age the first time around, I was myself a young adult.  The first job I had in psychology was working in a cognitive-aging lab in college.  We were looking at the neuroscience of what happens as adults age.  Mid-life seemed very distant and psychological events like the Midlife Crisis were a little funny.

Now they aren't so funny.  

I am not laughing about my greying hair, or wrinkles, or extra pounds that used to be easy to drop and now seem to be sticking around no matter how hard I try to shed them.  Watching as friends divorce and loved ones struggle, I find this age all too real.   As someone who is entering this stage in life it both fascinates and scares me. 

Mild-life, or Middle adulthood (generally 40-65) is a time of great stress and is a low-point statistically for life satisfaction.  In the United States, happiness levels are lowest at age 40 for women and 50 for men, and research shows that people in most countries have a dip in happiness around this age.    

Why is this the case? 

Middle adulthood often brings with it changes in the form of having kids entering puberty and having older kids leaving the home, caring for aging parents, becoming grandparents, sometimes balancing the needs of caring for your parents with caring for your teens or grandchildren, retirement for those who are lucky to do it early.

Midlife is a time when Erik Erickson theorized individuals experience the negotiation of the crisis of Generativity vs. Stagnation.  The negotiation of self and others, sacrifice, and commitment to a younger generation are all part of generativity.  Generativity is concern for the next generation, but it is not just concern with one’s own children.  Developing through this stage concerns the pull between self and others.  

The midlife crisis erupts when people feel a loss of self 

and dissatisfaction with their actual lives. 

The Midlife Crisis is experienced by individuals whose expectations do not meet with their reality. If you are where you thought you would be, and doing what you thought you would be doing at this age, you will generally not experience much of a ‘crisis’.   

So how can we best prepare for and transition though this phase of life?

By practicing a life of service & looking at your life as self-giving, while re-connecting (or staying connected) with some key things in life that bring you joy, you will best prepare for this time in life. 

I had the joy of attending a country music concert recently. It was totally spontaneous and incredible fun.  I had just started listening to country music again after having to buy a mini-van.  The mini-van did not fit with my view of self, but reconnecting with something from my college years (country music), made it much easier.  I was never a huge country music fan, but my brother and I used to listen to it when we were hanging out or working on our house the years before I got married.  Listening to it makes me feel happy, and young, and carefree - like I was in my 20's.  My husband is not a country music fan.  Because there is so much that my husband and I do have in common, it was easy to let go of that minor thing we didn’t both love.

Reconnecting with that music, something that I enjoy personally and individually, gave me such a feeling of comfort.  I didn’t have to go out and get a tattoo, or a flashy car, or have an affair to express my independence.  I just needed to set my FM on 107.9. 

It also helps to give yourself a break.  Taking a little trip alone, or with friends, can be a great way to experience life for a short burst when you can be you – separate from you as Mom or Dad, or Husband or Wife.  You can eat when you want to and do what you wish, knowing that you get to return to your real life at the end of the weekend refreshed and ready to give.  

The loss of a sense of self, rather than an expanded sense of self, characterizes stagnation.  Stagnation is the antithesis of generativity, and is at the heart of many midlife crisis. So expand yourself during this time. Give yourself permission to reconnect with the things you love and share those things and experiences with loved ones.  If you used to love sushi and your husband hates fish, take one of your kids out for a mamma-date-night to experience it with you.  If you love fishing and your spouse hates it, take one or two of your kids, or your parents, and do a weekend away with them at the lake. 

As you personally experience or approach this phase of your life, realize it is a time to expand your sense of self

 – your ability to give, love, and care for others.   

Recognize your gift of being able to teach the younger generation (by example) how to be self-giving.  Then God willing, as you enter Older-Adulthood and retirement you will find that smile on your face and peace in your heart!  

Let's embrace this time we have been given! Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Vygotsky and Parenting: Being your child's first and most important teacher

You know you are a nerd when you get really excited just reading your notes on a theorist.  I am a total nerd and Vygotsky is a super cool theorist! Vygotsky put forth a socio-cultural view of development.  He pointed out that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.  Rather than give you his bio (which is also hugely interesting), I am going to describe a few key ideas of his.  I will take them out of the education setting in which they are usually discussed and apply them to the home.  His concepts of scaffolding and intersubjectivity are especially applicable to everyday parenting.

Vygotsky argued that in order to understand the child, you have to understand the context in which she develops.

In the classroom of life, every person you meet is a teacher,  

but the parent is the child's first and most important teacher.

The environment which is most conducive to learning, is that where learning and instruction lead actual development.  He wrote "the only good learning is that which is in advance of development" (Vygotsky, 1978, p.9).  Therefore,  to promote development, the challenges for the child should be right above his level - not directly at (or below) his ability.  Stagnation occurs developmentally when children are not challenged.  This is the basis for not grouping kids by age and ability, but rather having more skilled learners available to help less skilled learners with tasks.

In larger families, we see this play out daily as older kids help 'teach' the younger ones to do everything from climbing rocks to formulating an argument.  JR is especially good at helping 'teach' the girls how to do his chores!  They love helping him take out the recycling because they are doing "the tough stuff".   He loves that he has one less trip to make.  The girls alone would not be able to complete the multi-steps required to take it all out - unlock the doors, open the big recycling can lid etc.  But under his 'guidance', they can learn to do it.   You can also see this at play it in multi-level play, as the older kids direct the younger ones, or the younger ones toddle behind trying to keep up with the big kids.  It is so healthy and so natural, and it is in these very moments that Vygotsky says we see actual development.

In order to best support their child's development in an area, parents (or older kids) should provide the appropriate scaffolding.  Parents provide the setting and the information that will help the child learn on his own.  Take cleaning up their room.  A child alone, may just glaze over looking at the mess.  But a parent can direct the child "pick up all the books first, then the clothes, then the toys last".  The instruction is the scaffolding the child needs to complete the task.  Another term for this is guided participation.  What children can do on their own, is less important that what they can do with a little guidance, because it is in the DOING that development occurs.   Eventually they are able to internalize the scaffolding and do the task without the guidance of the parent.

Guided participation works best when the parent (or more skilled partner)  knows how to read the cues given by the child, and bring them around to a shared goal.  Intersubjectivity is a super cool term.  It is the "shared understanding, based on a common focus of attention and a common goal, between a child and a more competent person" (Miller, 1993, p.32).  I bet my homeschooling readers are probably nodding their heads right about now!  One of the wonderful things about homeschooling is that the 'teacher'  and the child have so much common understanding before any official 'lessons' begin.  In relationships where there is strong intersubjectivity, learning happens most easily and most naturally.

For optimal learning/development to occur, 

a child and the parent or more skilled partner need 

to have a joint understanding & 

a mutual desire to reach the goal.   

If the child doesn't understand what you are asking, or if he is unmotivated to learn, you are going to have a harder time.  For example, if two kids are building with blocks, and the older ones wants to build a tower while the younger one wants to build a road - this is not a good set up for 'learning'. It is of course fine for just playing (assuming there are enough blocks!).  If they share the goal of building the tower, then the younger one will be motivated to pay attention and learn from (and with) the older child.

Vygotsky's concepts apply to both our interactions, and to our conversations with our children.  Reciprocal teaching is a concept based on Vygotsky's ideas.  RT is the process of clarifying, questioning, summarizing, and predicting.  Good parents do this naturally with children of all ages, but particularly with 2-3 year olds during their language explosion.  The child's mind is so excited to talk, but finding the words can be a challenge.  Clarifying what the child says, asking them to expand of their thoughts, summarizing their ideas, and then helping them predict is a great way to build both their verbal skills and their overall cognitive functioning.  This process applies to conversations with kids of all ages.  It also is a great way to model a more socratic type of dialogue within our home.

It can be easy to feel wary about the do's and don't do's so I want to end with a quote from St Teresa of Avila.

If you want to make progress on the Path 

and ascend to the places you have longed for, 

the important thing is not to think much, 

as so to do whatever best awakens you to love.  

Vygotsky's main principle is that learning is a social event.  As such, as families we should be thoughtful about our actions -  but if love is at the heart of what we do, then we are on the right track.     Giving your children direction and letting them grow with guidance is a great principle. Taking the time to get to know your child and share in his or her goals is another great parenting tip.  Lastly, modeling good conversation practices where you help the child to expand on their thoughts and idea shows that you love them and value what they think.  May all our interactions today awaken both us and our children to love!

Thanks for stopping by!

Looking to motivate your kids? A parent's look at motivation theory

Motivation Theory

The term motivation refers to that which energizes, directs, or sustains behavior (McDevitt & Ormrod, 2002).  Different people are motivated by different things.   Need for affiliation, need for approval and achievement motivation are the three big ones.   Motivation can be internal (intrinsic) or external (extrinsic) in source.

Let's set these two terms in the context of chores - something kids traditionally aren't motivated to do!

Intrinsic motivation is often driven by a natural curiosity, a need for cognitive consistency, or high achievement motivation (excellence for its own sake), a strong sense of self-determination, or valuing competence.  For a child who is intrinsically motivated, she may do chores because she loves tidying things, or values having a clean area, or likes working along side her parent”.   You can promote intrinsic motivation by focusing on the satisfaction, enjoyment, or pride that comes from the success in doing the task.   Targeting your child's self-efficacy can help, as children are more motivated to do that which they think they will be successful in doing. 

A child who is externally motivated on the other hand,

What influences my child's development? The Ecological Model

This week for the Thursday Theorist I am going to take up Uri Bronfenbrenner.  I love this guy but his theory is a little confusing so I am going to try to take it piece by piece.  I chose this topic for the week because last week in my podcast about Identity Development I stumbled into talking about the model. I didn't have notes and I hadn't reviewed the theory in almost a decade. I figured it was time to wipe away the cognitive cobwebs and present this model in a more clear and concise way.  That is a really nice way of saying I think I blew it the first time so lets get it right in writing!

Self-Esteem: What really makes a difference?

Welcome to this weeks Thursday Theorist.  Whereas in the first week we focused on a big name in psychology (Eric Erickson) and the second week we tackled Temperament by looking at Birth Order and The Four Temperaments, this week we are going to focus on just one question -

What makes a difference in 

a kid's developing self-esteem?

This is a huge area of research in the last 40-50 years so I am going to just strip it down to the research that is most applicable to our lives as parents.  I am not going to talk about the research on why positive self-esteem is good - just understand that having good self-esteem is really important.   The podcast on this topic airs tomorrow at This Inspired Life,  so if you want a good Q and A on the topic Kristen leads me through an hour long discussion on the topic and I do talk there about the positive associations with self-esteem.  But while you are here let's get down to the research on what you can DO to help your child develop a positive self-esteem...

1. Help them to Actually Be Successful.  Confidence comes from success, not just praise.  We can build our kids confidence by setting our children up to succeed whenever possible.  This is especially important with younger kids.  Don't reward them for failure or mediocrity.  Give them manageable chores and tasks to do around the house (find guidance here).  Hold them accountable.  Give them encouragement but not praise.  Give the simplest tasks to the smallest children and as they show competence then add to their responsibility.

2. Accept Failure and Move On.   It is better to let them fail at something than to always be holding them back because you want them to be successful.

Birth Order and The Four Temperaments

Thursday's Theories: Temperament and Birth Order

Last week's Theorist Thursday was Eric Erikson (click here to catch up on that post).  He was a psychoanalysts by training and practice, and one of the fathers of Lifespan Human Development.  We are going to swing the pendulum today and go astray from modern psychology and talk about the Four Temperaments and Birth Order both. I am lumping them together for a longer post because they are both Birth Order and Temperament theory are outside of mainstream developmental psychology.  I am including them however because they really resonate with real life folks!  I recently I talk about them in my second podcast (Click here to go to the podcast) with This Inspired Life.    

Temperaments are considered an innate part of our composition.  Although they could endure secondary modifications, they are rooted in our physiology.

Erik Erikson: Parenting and the 8 Stages of Development

Welcome to our first Thursday Theorist!

I chose Erik Erikson to kick of our new Thursday series because Erikson is one of my favorites.  He is also pretty well known and someone I discussed in this weeks podcast.  I kept the overview short and light and added on some of my tips for helping your child (or yourself) at each stage.  Enjoy!

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Erik_Erikson.png

Erik Erikson (1902-1994)  was a psychoanalyst who developed a theory of lifespan human development.  Unlike many of his peer who focused solely on events of childhood, Erikson recognized that humans continue to evolve throughout their lives.  

Erikson presented the Eight Stages of Development (1956) as a process of socialization.