How to Survive the Seasons of Motherhood: Redefining Your Normal

When my firstborn was about 6 weeks old, I sat at my kitchen table and sobbed.  I was on the phone with a friend who had two older kids.  She had just told me I wouldn't ever sleep again.  I was ToTheBoneTired, and maybe without thinking I had asked "but how much longer before I get some sleep?".  I was really glad she was so honest with me though because it helped me realize something.

I had to stop trying to reclaim my past life and instead I needed to redefine my normal. 

I thought I had hit my groove a few years ago. With each child I had adapted and been able to keep up well enough.  I was mothering three little-ish ones, was able to make dinner most nights, founded/ran a pretty decent mothers group at our parish (read more here). I was in a neighborhood bunko group, had a cool book club, went to MOPS, and managed to work in a date night as frequently as we could find a babysitter. I didn't know it at the time, but I had it really good. I was able to duck away about one night a week for 'me time', get to the gym regularly during the day for a little break and shower, and even have a regular lunch with friends (and our kids) on occasion. 

I mistakenly assumed that this was what motherhood was going to be like forever.  The advent of our little Anna changed everything, but honestly it would have changed even if I hadn't had her.  I had just turned over leadership of my mom's ministry and helped create a new ministry for women at our parish. My new baby showed me I really could only have 'one baby' so I backed out leadership there too.  My bunco group conflicted with the boys sports, my book club just wasn't worth all the hassle.  Lunches out became too much of a struggle with a gaggle of kiddos and the expense of feeding two growing boys made it extravagant even when they were well behaved. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

So I have to redefine normal again. Normal is no longer taking care of the family and filling the spare time with stuff that I love doing.  It is no longer taking a shower every day or grabbing lunch with a friend.  


It is school projects and soccer/dance/gymnastics/piano, homework and groceries. And laundry laundry laundry. I have become a TwoCart Costco shopper and nothing that is easy before seems easy anymore.  

It is as if my 24 hour day has been slowly shorted.  Just a few minutes each day.  Like my LifeClock is fast and I always think I have more time, but each day I have just a little less.

So I sleep less, I wash my hair less, I shop less (unless it is for food or done online), I make more lists, I exercise when I can (usually with children or dog in tow), and it takes me forever to finish a book. I find ways to volunteer that are short-term, low risk, and low stress, and most importantly done as a team with people I love. I write when I can and try not to stress about the weeks that have gone by since my last blog post. 

The Awesome Nellie from WhoaNellie Photography took this photo. 

Check out more of her work by clicking here. 

My challenge at this stage is recognize that this too is a stage, and find the beauty in the chaos. My time of having one child in Jr.High, one in Preschool, and two in between will be short.  Even though we aren't able to have more kids (more about that here), I recognize that I will need to stay open and maybe even embrace the changes that come with family life. Six years from now (God willing) I will only have 3 kids to tuck in at night.  It is a scary thought but at the same time comforting, because I know that there is no way I can maintain this pace for more than a few years. But I don't have too, because it is just a season. 

Whatever your season in Motherhood, embrace it sister. Don't stress about it. Realize it is the normal for this time, today and tomorrow, but your normal will evolve into something new.  Embrace the challenge and know that you will grow into the newness. The newness brings opportunity to grow, to grow in Faith, to grow in virtue, ultimately to grow in Motherhood. 

Thanks for stopping by!

Teaching Forgiveness: The Practice of Saying I'm Sorry

My 4 and 10 year old were in the car the other day.  It was about 15 minutes after some sort of brawl (which are unfortunately common in our household of six). My 10 year old was sick and my 4 year old was…well… being a 4 year old.  What happened with the brawl doesn’t matter, but needless to say I was showing the strain of multiple days with sick kids and I was feeling less than charitable myself.  We were sitting quietly at the stoplight on the way to get the other kiddos at school when 4 year old Anna broke the silence. 

“Shashah?” (that is what she calls him), “I sowwy”.  

He responded “It’s okay.  I forgive you”.

All of the strain and exhaustion left me with that simple exchange.  She was FOUR YEARS OLD and she knew that she was in the wrong – for whatever it was.  She knew he was hurting because of what she did.  She knew how to make it better. 

It isn’t because she is an exceptionally tender child or because she is intellectually brilliant.  It isn't because her mom is trained as a child development expert. It is because she has seen the behavior modeled in our family and she knows how to repair a relationship. 

Psychologists will warn parents not to “make” kids say they are sorry until they can really understand the concept of what it means to be sorry for their actions.  When our older kids were young I tried hard not to force the "I am sorry".  By the time Anna came around, the other kids were modeling the behavior and she was expected (by them) to apologize when she made a mistake. Because of this she has picked up this concept of reconciliation and forgiveness better than any of them!

We haven't always, but in our family we now require apologies when someone is wronged.  They don't have to be elaborate, and they don't have to happen right away, but they need to happen once the kids are calmed down. I don’t think you can expect a 4 year old to apologize for pulling her sister's hair when they are both still hysterical… but once the tears are wiped away there is a  practice of reconciliation that must happen between the two parties. Whomever is in the wrong (usually both of them) need to apologize for their actions and ask for forgiveness. Kids don't always want to do the right thing.  That is one of the reasons why parents are so important.  We have to teach them. 

"He who knows how to forgive prepares for himself many graces from God" -St. Faustina

Saying your sorry isn't a big deal - unless you never learn to do it. 

We need to give even our youngest children the babysteps towards understanding what it means to say sorry, and that starts with the words “I am sorry” and “I forgive you”, coming from our mouths. Some of you are pretty close to perfect, but we are all bound to make a mistake every once in a while. When that happens you too need to fess up. Apologize for tugging a little hard when you comb through those tangles, apologize when you mix up the lunches, apologize when you knock over the books or keep a child waiting when they need something.    

Children are like little sponges soaking up words, attitudes and behaviors. They model everything, cognitive, social, and emotional behaviors alike.  When the whole family adopts a behavior and the children practice it, they eventually internalize the actions.  The younger they start, the more normal it becomes. 

Just as we require the kids to eat their veggies and brush their teeth and wear a seat belt, we too should require them to do things like apologize - to both seek out and provide forgiveness.

Families are a beautiful place to model forgiveness and parents set a great example of mercy in practice. Setting up a culture of forgiveness in your home has both short term and long term benefits.  The practice of asking for and receiving forgiveness is more that just a life long habit too.  For Catholics, the art of forgiveness is enriched through the sacrament of reconciliation and is soul-saving.  As St. Gregory of Nyssa said, "May we never risk the life of our souls by being resentful or by bearing grudges".  For now take little steps.  Say your are sorry.  Encourage your little ones to make amends and forgive freely, and prepare yourself for the many graces of God that come from this practice.