Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Bonding with Your Boys: How to make connections that last



The conversation went something like this…

L: "What are you doing to develop mutual interests with your boys?"

Silence.

Me: "What do you mean? I really love watching them play soccer.  
I don't love driving them around but I really love watching them play."

Silence.

L: "Have you ever thought about tennis? It is 1:1 or 2:2.  
You can play with them without a whole team".

Then I get it.  There are times when I get hit with a question that really flips me upside down and I mentally scramble to answer in such a way as to make it seem like I am smarter than I really am.  This was one of those times.  I don't want to say what I said next but I had to say it.

Me: "Wow. I had never thought about that."  

So I asked her to tell me about raising her three sons and what she did to really develop in them an interest that she also had.  The mutual interests served as a bond sustaining them when their relationship was both strong and weak.  For instance, she would ride the light rail with one of them and look at architecture. They didn't have much money but they would buy a coke and look at a specific building at the end of the line.

I thought back to my dad and brother.  They rebuilt a car together when my brother was a teen.  They went hunting and fishing and backpacking.  As a young adult, my brother learned much about home remodeling from my father and even now they work on projects together. They had similar interests.  They DID stuff together.  My dad developed in my brother some of their shared interests and they still share those interest today.  It didn't happen on accident. It wasn't 'child lead' willy-nilly.  It was purposeful and intentional and wise.

I have spent a great deal of time thinking of what sports and activities are a good and natural fit for each of my kids, then given them the space to make some of their own choices.  I spent a lot of time watching t-ball (yawn!) and praying that Anthony found a more exciting sport. It never occurred to me to gently move him towards things that he and I both enjoy.

Often lonely mothers complain (me too!) that we feel like we are loosing ourselves in pursuit of bringing happiness to our kids.  That is why buying a mini-van is so hard.  We can however indulge some of our own passions while stirring up a love for those passions in the lives of our kids, and we will be better mothers for doing so.

This is particularly important for our sons. At various points in their development, boys pull away from their mothers.  They stop wanting the kisses on the head or to hold our hands while we walk side by side.  That is okay and actually healthy to some extend, but we need to find ways to continue to connect.  Our sons need to know that is it always okay for us to love them, because we will love them forever. They will outgrow a lot of shoes but never will be too big for our love. Most sons will understand that, but that doesn't mean they will want to do what we are doing. Shopping or reading or what ever we do in our spare time (what is that?) won't necessarily be something that they find interesting.  So find something that you both have in common and introduce it. This isn't self-indulgent. This is really about making a connection that will last because it is a connection that is authentic to both your passions.  Finding something that you share, and being purposeful about fostering that interest, will keep you bonded as you both age.  

People are fond of the saying "A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife".  I think that is crap.  I understand the sentiment, and a young man should be raised to put his wife above all other people in his life, but that does not mean that you can't have strong bonds with your sons as they grow into men.  You may just need to be more intentional about doing it.

What are your special interests that you could share with your kids (sons and daughters)?  What interests you? Do you even know? How do you want to spend your free time? Do you love doing jigsaw puzzles or sewing or cooking or drawing? What about history or art or poetry or music or photography?  Do any of your kids seem to be remotely interested in these? What do you long to do, but have given up because there just isn't enough time in the day?  Can you bring back some of those passions and use them to boost your parenting?

Post Script: The conversation I had above was the first conversation I ever had with this woman. She is twice my age, but we are both a part of Our Lady Sodality.  We both have summer birthdays and struck up a conversation because of that. Wisdom and confidence surrounded her and just 10 minutes with her has given me a new tool for my parenting tool box.  Who are your resources for your own parenting growth? Can you find away to bring in new resources and forge new friendships that will help you as you develop your parenting craft?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Letting Go So that You Can Grow


As I knelt in the pew and tucked my chin to pray I stole a peek at the little form curled up on the floor. Her head resting on the kneeler, her blanket draped casually over her little shoulders.  She looked up and gave me a pacifier masked smile. And I breathed in God and His peace.  This is my space. This is where I connect with Him.

Getting up to go to Mass is tough.  Going to Mass with an energetic preschooler is even tougher.    There are bathroom needs and drink needs and it is just so hard to sit still.  I saw one friend pull her 3-year old off the choir bannister this week after the little girl had shimmied her way about 1/2 way down towards the altar.  When I was many months pregnant with JR, Anthony got away from me and darted down the center isle during the consecration.  I stayed in the back terrified he was going to go straight up those altar steps. He rounded the altar and ran back up the side aisle into my shaking arms.  I was so furious and so embarrassed!  The priest wasn't troubled in the least.

As a newish mom, I was worried about doing everything right in the eyes of others. I was the first one in our family to have kids (on both sides) and I was very aware of the watchful but silent judgment of others. I didn't want my kids having pacifiers outside of their beds & certainly not as they grew into preschoolers.  I didn't want my kids eating in Mass - Mass was for worship not snack.  I didn't want my kids bringing toys or turning their backs to the altar even it if was so that they could lean into me and get a little closer.  Now as look at my little love curled up quietly, I rejoice that I don't care so much about the judgements of others.  I don't care if people think my daughter should be kneeling next to me, if people think she should leave her blanket in the crib, I don't care if they think she shouldn't have her bag of cereal or her water bottle - I am there for God, not for the person next to me or behind me or in front of me.  Anna is quiet and comfortable, and I am able to rest in the presence of our Lord.  That is pretty amazing.

Letting go of the judgmental thoughts I have of myself, and those that I speculate others may hold, gives me an opportunity to change my focus away from what my daughter is or is not doing, to focus on the cross.  Every thought about how others perceive me is a wasted thought that could be spent on Him.

I have been blessed with a few kids who like daily Mass. It is quiet, it is cool, it is peaceful. Once the older kids tumble out of the car we have a chance to take a deep breath.  If Anna isn't going to preschool herself, she often asks to go into the church for Mass.  I think she asks because of the peace.  It may have to do with the lollipop she gets after Mass, but I also think it is because she is comfortable there.  She can sit with her 'lovies' and just relax while I pray.  After shouting and tears and spilt coffee and forgotten lunch boxes it is a luxury for us both to just be at peace in God's presence for a few minutes before we really start our day again together.

The time will come when she will be required to full participate in the Mass.  Daily Mass is in some ways easier (it is shorter) and in other ways harder (it is quiet!).  Daily Mass is a stripped down Mass and a perfect training Mass as she learns to be still.  In Sunday Mass we require a little more of her but she has siblings setting an example of how she is to behave.  What she is learning in daily Mass is that Mommy needs Mass.  Mommy needs God's word.  Mommy needs prayer time.  Mommy needs the Eucharist.  She can color or lay on the pew or curl up on the floor - as long as she lets me connect with the Lord at His table.

Next time you find yourself wanting to do to Mass and thinking it is too hard with a little one (or 3!), give yourself a break.  Loosen up your rules and let go of your own judgements about how kids have to behave.  Let your little one bring a book or crayons or dolls or a cookie- what ever it takes so that you can sit with God, even if it is for just part of the service. At the end of the week, you want their Mass memories to be positive (or at least neutral). You need to be able to relax connect in order to make the most of it too.



So relax, let go of the fear and self-judging, and let yourself grow closer to God.

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Potty-Training Tips from the Trenches

Once, when standing in line at Costco, Anthony told me "I have to go".  I had just loaded a carts-worth of food onto the conveyor belt.  The checker did not yet have my card. There were people behind me and he was an arms reach away blocked in by a cart in the front and one behind. We didn't have many options at that very moment. And then he made it really clear he HAD TO GO... and he left a trail of pee while I ran with him (still in the cart drawing attention to us with those noisy wheels) all the way from the check-out to the bathroom.

Potty-training is a trying time, a physically exhausting time, a time when you have to scratch your plans, your schedule, your other duties, to wash undies and change sheets and clean floors.  But if you do it when you are mentally and physically prepared to take on the challenge, you can do it faster and in a less complicated way. Here are five tips from the trenches to help it go more smoothly with less tears from everyone.

1. Intentionality.  Being intentional is the first key to a quick potty training experience. Push the fluids, fill their bladders, give them lots of watermelon to eat - whatever.  The more chances they have in the day to pee the better likely they are to succeed.

2. Dress for success.  Well, really undress for success.  Don't make things complicated.  If you have a little girl, give her a little sundress to wear and skip the undies (while at home) for a little while. If weather permits, let them run around in the back yard without bottoms for a while.  For that first day they may not even realize that they are peeing. Once they realize how their bodies work, they will be better able to make it to the potty in time.

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