Is Education Wasted on a Stay-at-home Mom?

(Original photo source)

"If my daughter got any degree and then just became a stay-at-home mom, 

I would insist that she pay me back for the money spent on her education."

  

That was just one of the snide remarks I have heard about well-educated stay-at-home moms.  Before we had children, before we got married, before I even entered graduate school, I struggled with the seeming incongruity between my desires for higher education, and my desires to be present in the home while my children were young.  I knew I wanted to learn more and continue with my education, but I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Was my education going to be just wasted if I didn't earn an actual income?

Wisdom and Aging

I was recently prepping to deliver a guest lecture for a college class about aging when I came across some great research.  We know that as people age, they typically move from being interested in novel experiences and meeting new people, to wanting to spend time with close friends and loved ones.  Younger people tend to seek new people and new adventures while older people appreciate their routine and loved ones.  However, on researcher found that  this tendency to prefer spending time with loved ones (rather than seeking out new relationships) is also found with individuals who have a terminal illness, irrespective of age.

You see, it appears that what we had assumed was some psychological thing that happened due to aging, is really more a condition associated with the knowledge that our days are numbered.  We want to make the most of the time we have left here on earth, and spend that time wisely.

“So teach us to number our days 

that we may get a heart of wisdom”

Psalm 90:12. 

Do you have a heart of wisdom? Where do you prioritize loved ones? Are you seeking new adventures when your real love is right before you? 

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Are you a duck or a goose?

I had a bad-mommy-moment that necessitated I take a walk.

A LONG walk.

I think my husband was surprised at how long I was gone which only tells me that he must not have realized HOW upset I was which means that my bad-mommy-moment wasn't as bad as it could have been. And really it was a bad-wife-moment because I unloaded on him while the kids were outside.

It was basic mommy stuff.  Nothing major. Kids fighting. My 10 extra pounds. Someone interrupting every 5 seconds. No yoga all week. Witching hour. My being interrupted 2x in one bathroom trip. PMS. The close of a week without sweets or alcohol (except that one night but it was women's group so that doesn't really count). Basic mommy stuff.

But every so often (or very often?) it just gets to me. I don't know what bothers me more - the kids being kids or my nasty snapping at them.  Either way I just needed to take a walk. I grabbed my sneakers and walked out the door.  Followed by Anna of course. I sat in the front and put on the shoes while I coaxed her back into the house.  Then I just took off.

The Real Story: Bad Mommy Moments

We all have them.  Well, if you don't, please don't let me know.  I assume we all have them.  Actually sometimes I wonder if Our Blessed Mother ever had them.  I know Our Queen of Heaven was without sin, but BMM's are not really sinful moments.

Bad Mommy Moments are those moments when we do something, well, embarrassingly bad.  

Like putting the sun tea in the back of the car instead of putting it on the porch.  
Or putting Preparation-H on the kids toothbrushes (on accident of course!) instead of toothpaste.
Or throwing a shoe because we spilled something.  
Or telling you kids they need to stop "acting like a bunch of children!" 
Or forgetting to drop your child off at school because you were sucked into a radio discussion on Dr McDreamy being killed off (and I don't even watch Grays Anatomy- I literally drove into the school parking lot and then out again before Anthony said "uh, mom, you need to stop and let me out"). 

Those are Bad Mommy Moments

My sister and I share those moments with one another.  We decided that such moments probably happened just so that we could share them.  It makes us all feel so much better to know that we are not the only ones who do ridiculous things on this journey of motherhood.

What is your most memorable Bad Mommy Moment? Make us all laugh!

Thanks for stopping by to laugh with me.

Forgiveness in the Family

Source

We thought we were going to have a nice walk up to the store to get a treat… the twins had their scooters and everyone was happy as we started out… and then they crossed the street by themselves without looking and I had to yell at them and they seriously almost got hit.  My husband tells them they lost their scooter privileges and one of the boys gets so mad.  He yells "shut up!" at my husband.  Oh my gosh. I couldn't believe it.  I was so mad!  I gave him a swat on the backside in front of God and the neighbors.   Then we turned right around and marched the kids back home.  I handed them a bucket and sponge and all three boys got to work scrubbing the walls.  

This is a story told to me by a friend this week. She is a brilliant, loving, friend, and mother to one little girl aged three, as well as three rambunctious boys aged 8, 8 & 6.  She desires so much for her children to grow up to be holy servants of Christ.  I retell the story here for you all because of what happened next…

A little while later I told the boys they could stop.  They apologized and then asked if they could keep cleaning.  "Um What?"  Joyfully, the three boys finished the walls in the room, then moved on to cleaning their own rooms.

I love this story because it highlights the importance of having our children serve some penance for their actions.  Getting mad at our children shouldn't be the punishment.  Yelling at our children shouldn't be the punishment.  We should be giving our children a chance to serve some meaningful penance for their misdeeds.

God the Father has giving us the gift of reconciliation through the sacrament of confession.  It includes verbally admitting or confessing ones sins, showing sorrow for those sins, receiving absolution, and serving penance.  The act of penance gives us something concrete that we can do as an expression of love.  The sacrament invites God back into our lives to heal our soul.

I love going to confession as do my boys because they feel so free once it is over.  It can be a drag to actually go.  We have to stop playing and waiting in line which is never easy for a 9 and 12 year old boy.  But they are so light and joyful when they we head home afterward.

When my friend told me this story I thought immediately to the example that she was setting in her home.  A sin was committed when the children were disobedient in crossing the street and, compounded when the son shouted at his father.  The mother (being closer in proximity to the children) responded swiftly and took away the privilege they were expecting (going for a treat).  Many families would have stopped here and sent the kids to a time out or just told them to go play.  This mom gave her kids the chance to repair the damage - to physically DO something to heal the relationship - and it gave the boys and the mother great joy.

So next time you are dishing out the discipline in our home, think about giving your kids the chance to do something concrete for you.  You set a great example of the gift of penance and you may just end up with some clean walls.

Thanks for stopping by to think with me!

Fabulously Featured

Yes... That's me.  

Martina over at CatholicSista is doing a series where she is featuring different awesome Catholic bloggers.  She was kind enough to include me. Today is my big day.  

Click on over for a brief Q and A. 

Birthday Bust

We just celebrated by husband's birthday.  Given that I threw him a HUGE party when he turned 40 last year, this year we had a more low-key event.  It was on a Tuesday and he had to work a little later than normal so he requested that we go out to dinner.

All. Six. Of. Us. 

Typically we avoid such situations. You know - taking our kids in public as a form of recreation.  Such trips are more often a form of penance for some past childhood sin of ours.



Dinner in a sit-down-order-off-a-menu type place can be challenging, especially for Anna.  Let me be clear here. My children do know how to eat at a table.  My eldest has horrible table manners (as do many 12 year old boys), but we are constantly on his case.  This means the other three have very good table manners because our expectations are very clear.


And we try to set them up to succeed.  When we do have to eat out, we look for eateries that have patio seating (which is plentiful in our great-weather-state) & fast service.  A 'Kids-eat-free' night is a bonus too because usually those nights the servers are excepting children in a higher frequency.  They are fast and patient and cheerful.


Plus, it is nice to get a few free meals.




This night however, my husband choose a steakhouse.  I trailed in behind them after searching in vain for Anna socks, so they were already seated in a corner booth inside when I joined them.

The night was miserable.  I am not going to sugar coat anything.

We had one of those long booths, with three seats on each side, so the kids kept 'touching'. The service was SLOW, the order was WRONG, the food was MEDIOCRE, and the price was OBSCENE.  I hadn't made him a cake because I assumed they would do the whole singing-at-the-table thing.  Wasn't that part of the perk of going out?  Nope. They didn't even do that.

There were no less than four trips to the bathroom - three of which I was privileged to chaperone. What is it about eating that makes my kids have to go to the bathroom? I know it is a real thing because their GI doc said it is totally normal.  He even gave me a scientific term for it.  But I digress…

The two of us could have gone to dinner and a movie and hired a babysitter for the same (or less) price. We have officially entered the realm of no longer eating out as a family.

Table for Two? Yes please.

At the end of the dinner my husband and I just shared a look that silently said

"good grief why did we just do this?"  

And I am still not sure I have the answer.  I just wanted to share my pain with you all, and encourage you those of you with kids to get a sitter and have a nice date night!

Thanks for stopping by to think(?) with me!

Middle Adulthood and the Midlife Crisis: What is it all about?

I recently had the privilege of guest lecturing about "Mid-life" for a college human development course.  While prepping for the presentation, I came across some great stuff that I had never really considered personally.  When I studied this age the first time around, I was myself a young adult.  The first job I had in psychology was working in a cognitive-aging lab in college.  We were looking at the neuroscience of what happens as adults age.  Mid-life seemed very distant and psychological events like the Midlife Crisis were a little funny.

Now they aren't so funny.  

I am not laughing about my greying hair, or wrinkles, or extra pounds that used to be easy to drop and now seem to be sticking around no matter how hard I try to shed them.  Watching as friends divorce and loved ones struggle, I find this age all too real.   As someone who is entering this stage in life it both fascinates and scares me. 

Mild-life, or Middle adulthood (generally 40-65) is a time of great stress and is a low-point statistically for life satisfaction.  In the United States, happiness levels are lowest at age 40 for women and 50 for men, and research shows that people in most countries have a dip in happiness around this age.    

Why is this the case? 

Middle adulthood often brings with it changes in the form of having kids entering puberty and having older kids leaving the home, caring for aging parents, becoming grandparents, sometimes balancing the needs of caring for your parents with caring for your teens or grandchildren, retirement for those who are lucky to do it early.

Midlife is a time when Erik Erickson theorized individuals experience the negotiation of the crisis of Generativity vs. Stagnation.  The negotiation of self and others, sacrifice, and commitment to a younger generation are all part of generativity.  Generativity is concern for the next generation, but it is not just concern with one’s own children.  Developing through this stage concerns the pull between self and others.  

The midlife crisis erupts when people feel a loss of self 

and dissatisfaction with their actual lives. 

The Midlife Crisis is experienced by individuals whose expectations do not meet with their reality. If you are where you thought you would be, and doing what you thought you would be doing at this age, you will generally not experience much of a ‘crisis’.   

So how can we best prepare for and transition though this phase of life?

By practicing a life of service & looking at your life as self-giving, while re-connecting (or staying connected) with some key things in life that bring you joy, you will best prepare for this time in life. 

I had the joy of attending a country music concert recently. It was totally spontaneous and incredible fun.  I had just started listening to country music again after having to buy a mini-van.  The mini-van did not fit with my view of self, but reconnecting with something from my college years (country music), made it much easier.  I was never a huge country music fan, but my brother and I used to listen to it when we were hanging out or working on our house the years before I got married.  Listening to it makes me feel happy, and young, and carefree - like I was in my 20's.  My husband is not a country music fan.  Because there is so much that my husband and I do have in common, it was easy to let go of that minor thing we didn’t both love.

Reconnecting with that music, something that I enjoy personally and individually, gave me such a feeling of comfort.  I didn’t have to go out and get a tattoo, or a flashy car, or have an affair to express my independence.  I just needed to set my FM on 107.9. 

It also helps to give yourself a break.  Taking a little trip alone, or with friends, can be a great way to experience life for a short burst when you can be you – separate from you as Mom or Dad, or Husband or Wife.  You can eat when you want to and do what you wish, knowing that you get to return to your real life at the end of the weekend refreshed and ready to give.  

The loss of a sense of self, rather than an expanded sense of self, characterizes stagnation.  Stagnation is the antithesis of generativity, and is at the heart of many midlife crisis. So expand yourself during this time. Give yourself permission to reconnect with the things you love and share those things and experiences with loved ones.  If you used to love sushi and your husband hates fish, take one of your kids out for a mamma-date-night to experience it with you.  If you love fishing and your spouse hates it, take one or two of your kids, or your parents, and do a weekend away with them at the lake. 

As you personally experience or approach this phase of your life, realize it is a time to expand your sense of self

 – your ability to give, love, and care for others.   

Recognize your gift of being able to teach the younger generation (by example) how to be self-giving.  Then God willing, as you enter Older-Adulthood and retirement you will find that smile on your face and peace in your heart!  

Let's embrace this time we have been given! Thanks for stopping by to think with me!