Part Two in the Allowance Debate: The work for money approach

Welcome back.  Just as a recap, my family did not pay us for chores, but rather provided us with an allowance.  We had chores that were not optional, and we did not get paid for these.  I covered all that and gave a quick review of motivation research in the last post.     This post is the story of my husband's family's approach and the merging of two very different attitudes towards chores and allowance. 

Part One of the Allowance Debate: NOT paying your kids for chores

One issue that seems to be hotly contested, is the idea behind paying kids for chores, versus just giving them an allowance.  Kids can start doing chores when they are really young.  And really they SHOULD be doing chores when they are little, because then it is just part of the family culture.  You don't have to suddenly ask them to do these horrible thing - work.  Chores are more than just help around the house.  Chores help kids develop self-worth through work.  Whether they are compensated for those chores influence how they relate to money and work as adults. 

What influences my child's development? The Ecological Model

This week for the Thursday Theorist I am going to take up Uri Bronfenbrenner.  I love this guy but his theory is a little confusing so I am going to try to take it piece by piece.  I chose this topic for the week because last week in my podcast about Identity Development I stumbled into talking about the model. I didn't have notes and I hadn't reviewed the theory in almost a decade. I figured it was time to wipe away the cognitive cobwebs and present this model in a more clear and concise way.  That is a really nice way of saying I think I blew it the first time so lets get it right in writing!

The Real Story: How to be a great mother in-law

Over the last 14 years of marriage, it has been increasingly clear that I have a great set of in-laws.   I have more than one friend* (maybe your are one of them?), who does not have a great relationship with her in-laws.  At first thought, as a mother of two boys, it makes sense to me.

No one is ever going to be good enough for my fabulous sons.  

We often assume that if we have a rough relationship, it is because our in-laws just don't think we are good enough.   Maybe, but I propose that it is more than that.   The first 25% of a person's life is spent indoctrinating them in a certain family culture.

Self-Esteem: What really makes a difference?

Welcome to this weeks Thursday Theorist.  Whereas in the first week we focused on a big name in psychology (Eric Erickson) and the second week we tackled Temperament by looking at Birth Order and The Four Temperaments, this week we are going to focus on just one question -

What makes a difference in 

a kid's developing self-esteem?

This is a huge area of research in the last 40-50 years so I am going to just strip it down to the research that is most applicable to our lives as parents.  I am not going to talk about the research on why positive self-esteem is good - just understand that having good self-esteem is really important.   The podcast on this topic airs tomorrow at This Inspired Life,  so if you want a good Q and A on the topic Kristen leads me through an hour long discussion on the topic and I do talk there about the positive associations with self-esteem.  But while you are here let's get down to the research on what you can DO to help your child develop a positive self-esteem...

1. Help them to Actually Be Successful.  Confidence comes from success, not just praise.  We can build our kids confidence by setting our children up to succeed whenever possible.  This is especially important with younger kids.  Don't reward them for failure or mediocrity.  Give them manageable chores and tasks to do around the house (find guidance here).  Hold them accountable.  Give them encouragement but not praise.  Give the simplest tasks to the smallest children and as they show competence then add to their responsibility.

2. Accept Failure and Move On.   It is better to let them fail at something than to always be holding them back because you want them to be successful.

News Update: High school reunion, Instagram and Other randomness

This weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.

(Do we like the lipstick or is it too bright?)

At some point I may do a post about that, but for now let's just say it was fun and leave it at that.  It was really nice to catch up with a few friends from childhood (so to Karen and LeeAnn especially I loved talking with you)!  I also got to hang out with my oldest childhood friend who I wrote about in the first Friendship post (here).

Funny enough though, I ended up spending a large chunk of time talking to two people who weren't in my class at all.  One gal was a "bride" of the high school quarterback. They didn't have kids and she is in her 20's (so she was Gracie's age when we graduated high school - gasp).  The second beautiful young woman I met in the bathroom and had a nice heart to heart with as well.  She too was early to mid 20's, no kids. So why am I picking up random young women in the bathroom and bringing them to my reunion to chat with? My judgement was probably influenced by the margaritas. And I only met one of them in the bathroom. But I am mentioning it here, because of what they both said.

Instagram is the way to go. 

One of them said Facebook was too intrusive.

Now, young, childless women in their 20's are not my target audience.  I blog about family and faith and science.

But why shouldn't they be reading.  The scientist in me knows that the more someone knows about a subject the more they realize they don't know. The converse is true as well.  When we don't know anything about something (being a parent) we often think we know a WHOLE lot.

No one seems to know how to raise kids better than people without kids right?

But how many of us wish we knew a little more about what we were getting 

ourselves into before we had kids?

So, I am casting a wider net and I have been muddling my way through Instagram. Facebook is still my main place to spread blog news, but if you want to follow me on Instagram now you now can. I am

Parenting_with_peer_review 

(click here)

Creative. I know.  I wanted you to be able to find me.  And I didn't want to forget my name.  I have three pictures posted. Two were there from before. Apparently I tried this once before a few years ago and did forget.

Oh, and as of now I have ONE follower (from before).

I really don't know what I am doing there, but I wanted to let my faithful readers know I have a presence somewhere else in the cyber-world now.  It is just photos.  Not writing.  If you are on Instagram check it out and let me know if I am doing things right over there.

Also, if you have been getting the Blessed is She devotions,  and are willing to fill out a survey,  you can do that here. It is super short and sweet and I would be so thankful. The administrators are trying to get a gauge on how it is working for everyone.  Compared to my one follower on Instagram, the Blessed is She group has a bazillion followers so even if you don't read it everyday please consider taking the quick survey. I am working on my November posts for them so even though I am not writing a ton for you here this month, please know I am working for you elsewhere!

Lastly, the podcast.  Thank you to all of you who have downloaded the podcast.  Hopefully you were able to do it easily and enjoyed. Part 3 comes this Friday. If you only hear one of these sessions you want to listen to Part 3!  It will be the best.

Part Two is still available (here)

As is 

Part One (here)

Look for your Thursday Theorist this week!  I am working on that now!

Birth Order and The Four Temperaments

Thursday's Theories: Temperament and Birth Order

Last week's Theorist Thursday was Eric Erikson (click here to catch up on that post).  He was a psychoanalysts by training and practice, and one of the fathers of Lifespan Human Development.  We are going to swing the pendulum today and go astray from modern psychology and talk about the Four Temperaments and Birth Order both. I am lumping them together for a longer post because they are both Birth Order and Temperament theory are outside of mainstream developmental psychology.  I am including them however because they really resonate with real life folks!  I recently I talk about them in my second podcast (Click here to go to the podcast) with This Inspired Life.    

Temperaments are considered an innate part of our composition.  Although they could endure secondary modifications, they are rooted in our physiology.

Food Staples: What should I keep on hand?

Do you feel like old Mother Hubbard? 

Is your cupboard bare?  Forget the dog bones, can you feed your hungry kids?

A friend mentioned that she didn't keep staples on hand.  It made it hard for her to cook, but really she didn't even know what she should have on hand.  So I put this list together for her instead of blogging today.  And then I realized - hey - I could post that on my blog. It isn't inline with what I usually talk about, but maybe someone else out there may want it.  And it is free to post something, so it doesn't cost me ANYTHING to share it with you too!

The idea behind the staples list, is that when you have these items on hand, it makes cooking so much easier.  Most of these items don’t go bad so you can slowly accumulate this stuff and just put it away in your pantry.   I try to keep these things always on hand. Then, when I plan my meals for the week, I just have to buy the meats and veggies. Looking at this entire list, you really could eat quite a few meals based on this list.  I am thinking omelets, cheese crisps, bean and rice, pancakes, french toast… The list could go on.  If I forgot anything leave me a comment and let me know what I left off and I will add that on too.

Chore time: When should my kids start doing their own laundry?

When my eldest (now 11) entered preschool at age 3, the school asked me to fill out a questionnaire.

On the sheet was the question:

"What chores does you child do during the day or week?"

My first thought was:

Are you kidding me - he is 3?

My second thought was:

Holy cow - he can do chores already? Awesome!

That DAY we started having him clear the plates after each meal, help load the silverware into the dishwasher, and help set the table.  It was easy.  He was eager to help as a "big" three-year old who was also recently a new big brother! He loved the new responsibility.

Children should take over responsibility for a chore, as soon as they are able to do them, whether it is laundry, making breakfast, packing their lunch, cleaning their room, or sweeping the patio.

When they are physically able to handle a broom, or tall enough to reach the kitchen sink - get them doing it.

I am not suggesting that you require they do these things, although you may want to and that is fine.  Rather I point out that you should teach them how, and help them to foster independence in doing them.  You may find that once they know how to do it, they want to do it.  

My First Podcast is Here!

Well today is the day.  My first podcast is here.  Kristin over at This Inspired Life  recently started a podcast focused on family and faith.  She asked me to connect with her and the result is a three part series on Parenting and Identity Development.  Today the first one is up and ready for download. 


You can go to this link (click here) and download it to your phone, tablet, or computer and listen at your leisure.  

If you want it on your phone then you need to open your internet connection on your phone (Mom I am talking to you) and the put this address into the search bar 

www.thisinspiredlife.net/006

That will get you to the website.  Enjoy and thanks for stoping by!

Erik Erikson: Parenting and the 8 Stages of Development

Welcome to our first Thursday Theorist!

I chose Erik Erikson to kick of our new Thursday series because Erikson is one of my favorites.  He is also pretty well known and someone I discussed in this weeks podcast.  I kept the overview short and light and added on some of my tips for helping your child (or yourself) at each stage.  Enjoy!

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Erik_Erikson.png

Erik Erikson (1902-1994)  was a psychoanalyst who developed a theory of lifespan human development.  Unlike many of his peer who focused solely on events of childhood, Erikson recognized that humans continue to evolve throughout their lives.  

Erikson presented the Eight Stages of Development (1956) as a process of socialization.