Why we don't do slumber parties

Pizza, movie, pillow fights, popcorn and soda and yummy pancakes in the morning…

What is so bad about that?

My mom used to say "nothing good ever happens after midnight".  It used to annoy me - all the fun stuff happened after curfew right? Sometime, but that is when the trouble happens.  To get technical, because I am a stickler for statistics, I will point out that most juvenile crime actually happens in the after school hours.  But for teens and tweens trouble happens all the time. And at slumber parties there is plenty of opportunity for trouble.

I am not talking about the kids sneaking out of the house to rob the liquor store.

My angelic 11 year old doesn't run with that kind of a crew.

But he does run with the kids who would love to stay up late and play video games or pillow fight at midnight.  It is harmless kid fun and maybe a right of passage.  We let him go to just a handful of slumber parties at homes where we knew and trusted the families and they all seemed to be about the same.

Pizza, movies, pillow fights and/or massive nerf-gun battles, a fair share of junk food a lot of fun and bedtimes later than my own.

Each time we picked him up in the morning to find that he had about 4 hours of sleep and a wonderful time.  And then he got sick, or cranky and irritable.  His lack of sleep was dreadful for the entire family.

Then we tried to do the sleep over at our house thinking that we would have some semblance of control.  We ended up frustrated and tired ourselves, with the handful of boys who just didn't want to calm down at 11:30pm.   After using the mean mommy voice they calmed down, and they were respectful, but it was a slumber party after all.  And it just isn't worth it to our family.

I have memories of slumber parties that included toilet papering houses, having boys sneak in, "tummy aches" requiring my parents to pick me up, nightmare inducing shadows on the walls, and 'girl drama' that always seemed to leave someone in tears.  Luckily my best friend in junior high was like a sister to me and she stayed over a lot.  Outside of those very frequent nights with my BFF, I didn't enjoy the slumber parties as a kid.

After my sons first few slumber parties, we pulled the privilege and decided that as a family, we don't do slumber parties.  We are happy to pick our kids up at 10 or 11pm (about the time the host parents are happy to see a child go home), and our kids will sleep soundly in their own beds.

What do they miss out on?  The secret telling, the gossip, the 'who do you like?' whispers in the dark.  As they get older, maybe they will miss out on the sneaking out, or the opening-of-the-window to let the girls in - And I am okay with them missing out on all that.  They can go for the fun and leave before the parents go to be and the trouble starts.

An additional variable that we consider is the safety of our kids. I know that the families have my kids best interest at heart, but if there are older siblings in the family and they have friends over the same night, my ability to control what my child is exposed to is nonexistent.  Uncles or stepfathers I haven't met may be hanging around, neighborhood kids whose families operate with different boundaries may be there.  As kids get old enough for sleep overs, we often loosen up our watch of them.  They want privacy and we want to give them space.  But sometimes that lax supervision in a party atmosphere can lead to trouble.

My kids are my responsibility while they are young.  I want to know where they are tucked in at night.  I want to shelter them from hurtful gossip and scary situations.  Having it as a house rule has not been a problem and, like our 'no dating' rule, it has made life more simple for them. We have cousins in town and they can stay over for the night there or at their grandparent's… but outside family the answer is no.

My oldest is just 11 and I know we are just gearing up for the more difficult years.  But for now, he is relieved to have those boundaries in place.  It gives him a social 'out' and I feel like his wingman even when I am not around.  He knows mom will be here soon to get him. He should have fun while he can.   In just 7 years we will be packing his room for college and I won't be there to pick him up or tuck him in!

On the deEvolution of Parenting: Part Two - Kids as commodities

Continuing from where I left off on the deEvolution of Parenting...

In addition to the introduction of birth control (which allowed women to postpone family life, have fewer children, and peruse careers first), author Jennifer Senior highlights two other areas which have sucked the joy out of parenting - The role of the child has changed and the fact that women work outside the home in greater numbers now.  

She says the role of the child has changed.  We have become a society where we are working FOR our children instead of having them work for us.  Our kids today don't provide an economic benefit but rather are very costly to raise, so we 'require' two incomes.  Put another way, we have become we are a society where Moms work outside the home because they need to, and we have fewer kids because we can't economically handle more. 


In a sense, as parents we are trapped because we want to give our children more and more materially, because we see this as the answer to happiness. 

On the deEvolution of Parenting: Part One - Freedom

I recently posted something on finding the joy in parenting and in life, so my ears perked up when I came across the teaser for a new book entitled All Joy and No Fun: The paradox of modern parenthood.  I have not read this book so I am obviously not reviewing it.  But the Parenting Now segment of the PBS news hour was interviewing the author so I settled in to watch and learn and I was driven to comment on the points made in the interview.  

I was thrilled with them covering this subject. 

Until they started.

Then I was just depressed. 

From One Mom to Another: How to Sound Like a Soccer Fan

With the World Cup upon us I thought I may step outside of my normal area of writing and take up the sports desk - for just one post.  There are a few things that separate the real fans from the others.  Since I am new to the sport and have found myself embarrassed this year more than once (like when I yelled at the "goalie" for not using his hands when he was out of the box - oops), I thought I would share what little I have picked up.



1 - The goalkeeper is not called a goalie - he is called a keeper.

2 - The field is often called a pitch - sometimes a field, but if you call it a pitch you will sound legit.

3 - It is called a soccer game (USA) or a football match (UK).

4 - The keeper can only use his hands when he is in the box or penalty area - the 18 yards around the goal.

5 - The keeper cannot use his hands if his own player passes it back to him.

6 - The offsides rules are confusing.  If you are new, don't question offsides.  Just go with it.

7 - Sometimes players will not pass to open guys, because those open players are actually offsides.   Yelling at the screen for them to pass to their open teammate, when that team mate is offsides, will show your ignorance.

8 - There are only 4 positions in soccer (Goalkeeper, Defender, Midfielders, Forwards), and you have 11 players for each team on the field at one time.

9 - Games run 90 minutes plus 'overage'.  Except at half time, the clock doesn't stop during play.  If the game stops for some reason (injury etc), then they make up that time at the end of the game.  Therefore the game isn't actually over at 90 minutes, there is usually another few minutes of overage to play.

10 - Players often play for teams in other countries, but they return to their home country to play in the World Cup.  For instance, David Luiz and Oscar both play for Brazil, but also play together for Chelsea FC in the UK during the regular season.

11 - FIFA is not just a video game company. It is the international organization that oversees the World Cup.

12- Brazilians love soccer, but are not happy about hosting the World Cup because they stand to loose billions of dollars.  In 2010, South Africa hosted and only recapped 11% of the money they spent getting ready for the games.  If Brazil goes the same way, after spending 11 billion on infrastructure, they stand to loose a lot of money (IMB Times, June 13).  

Enjoy your soccer viewing and thanks for stopping by!

Short and Sweet: How to be Rockstar of a Dad

Be a good husband.  Your first role as a dad is to model what it means to be a man.  Being a man means taking responsibility for yourself and others.   The best way to show this every day is by taking care of your wife's physical, emotion, and spiritual well-being.  And she should take care of you as well.  In marriage we die to ourselves to serve our spouse. The two become one.  

In every interaction with your spouse you show your children- 

1. how they should act towards others, and 

2. how they should expect to be treated by others.  

The legacy of love you leave for your children, the example you set of loving your wife, will pave the way for their success in all aspects of life.  So love them and love her. 

Really, it is that simple.

10 Little Ways to Make Summer a Big Success

Think back to your FOND summer memories - what made those memories so great?  Was it the adventures your families took?  Was it the time to yourself?  We have the benefit of having family in Florida and have taken a few summer vacations to the beach there.

Those few weeks each year have really been a pinnacle of our summer.

This year we have no such beach trip planned and have been a little more laid back with our summer vacation plans.  We got passports and do plan to take a trip (during which we will probably NOT use the passports - that is another post for another day), but that will likely only be one week out of our 10 weeks off.  So what do I do with my munchkins for those other 8 weeks?

A few years ago a dear friend (and mother of 6) told me that each summer would be a little different.  Some years I would over plan (last year) while some years I would find myself with not much scheduled (the year before).  They key is to stay flexible with everything and be forgiving of yourself as mother, because some years they (and you) need more down time than other years.    I love that advice.  Another friend (and mother of 7) has a rockstar schedule that she creates for her family for each summer.  It is complete with game time and craft time and rest time.

So last year I took a page from both their books and created a flexible summer schedule and it helped SO much!  This year we actually have a Schedule A and a Schedule B.  Here is our A schedule for the weeks when we don't have VBS and we are home "all day".  I post it on the door between our kitchen and pantry.  Out of the way but easy to reference.  So with the schedule as a guide, here are my 10 little ways to make summer a big success:

1- Mandatory quiet time. I need this just as much as the kids do! It is also really hard to get a 2 year old (or child of any age!) to nap while her siblings are having so much fun.   The kids can read, color, rest, take a nap, or work on their bridge books.

2- Brain time.  I get bridge books and other activity books for them do work through on their own pace during the quiet time or any other point in the day. If they spend 45 minutes working in their bridge books they get 45 minutes of screen time (see no 2 & 3).

3- Built in TV/Video game time.  During the witching hour while I am doing dinner prep the kids can watch a little TV or play video games.  By this point in the day I usually need a little break. Building it into the day prevents the constant nagging "can I watch TV?".

4- Easy Dinners.  When the kids were really little I would wait until my husband was home and I would make dinner while we caught up.  Because we are ridged with bedtimes, I need to have dinner made by the time he comes home - and that is a challenge with 4 grumpy and hungry little ones running around. Often I put out the raw veggies first for them to nosh on while I make the dinner.  Hungry kids are less picky.   I try to prep on the weekends, use the crockpot, and do things as simple as possible.  I save the complicated dinners for when I have someone to run interference with the kids.  Plus, when you are feeding them 3 meals a day at home it is hard to be inspired to be creative and exciting when you are tired too!

5- Swim time.  My kids have lots of energy.  It is over 110 most days in the summer here.  They will bounce off the walls if they don't get the energy out some way.  I have swim lessons for the little ones in the AM at my house and then some days we go to the gym and swim there for a change in scenery.  If we didn't have a pool I think I would run high energy games inside or just have a 'game time' for an hour or so.

6- Chores.  It is easier to have a clean house when the kids aren't home.  We are home and I don't do messy very well.  A tidy house makes this mamma that much happier.  We have daily chores (wipe counters, make beds, take trash etc) and then a weekly family AM chore to tackle a big problem area. This week's problem areas are the garage (tidy, sweep, spray for bugs), the school stuff (we just keep stacking stuff up- major organization required), the playroom (looks like a bomb went off in the corner), and the back patio (just needs a hose down).   The kids also have rotating nights that they help with dinner prep.  This gives them some 1:1 time with me in the kitchen (which is sometimes a good thing for me, other times not!) and helps them learn more about cooking.  It also takes the full responsibility of dinner off my plate.  Usually the kids all help with getting the table set, drinks on the table etc.  It can be kind of crazy though.  So having just one of them do it each night is a little easier.

7- VBS.  Some kids thrive just hanging out at the house, others thrive being out in social settings.  We are doing 2 weeks of Vacation Bible School.  One at our church and another at my sister's church.  It give the kids a different schedule two of the weeks and mixes things up a little. Anthony and I will volunteer for one week.  The other week I will just have Anna with me for the 9-12 time frame and will catch up on errands and shopping while the kids are occupied having fun, singing songs, doing crafts, and learning more about Jesus.

 8- The public library. One way to ensure a peaceful afternoon is to go to the library.  I hate being at the library because the younger 3 all need my help at the same time and usually the older ones wants a little help too.  But the reward once we leave the library is worth the frustration of being at the library for that brief time.  We return home and the kids just chill with their new books.  I think this year we may add Fort-Making to our library day…Who doesn't love reading books in a fort?  This was last summer at Great Grandmas.  She has a gift for fort-making.



9- Down time.  I want my kids to have to create their own fun. I don't want to structure them so much that they never know what do to unless being instructed.  As a kid we used to spend all day outside in our swim suits, running around the neighborhood, eating nectarines off the tree in the backyard, swimming, playing GI Joe's in the irrigation the washing off the grime in the pool.  I remember being bored from time to time but that is really not a bad thing.  Let the mind wander, make up your own boardgames, play hide a seek with your siblings, do something or nothing just don't whine about it.

10- Movies.  We have two local theaters that do summer movie passes. They are all older G or PG family movies. The theater closest to us gives us 10 movies for $5 A KID!  So I pay $20 for the whole summer for the whole family and we can go to a movie a week (Anna is still free too!).  It is at 10am and we choose the day which I love because of the added flexibility.  Plus one big bag of popcorn and no one really wants lunch that day.  I can make some smoothies and ride through to snack time.  This photo is from last year. It was hard with an 18 month old but we went with cousins and that was the only way it worked.  I am really hoping this year is much easier.  If you don't have something like this in your town then look for some weekly tradition or little field trip that you can do.  If you live where the weather is nice maybe you do a Tuesday Picnic or Friday fishing trip.  Find something that fits your life.

Good luck with your summer plans everyone! I hope it is wonderful.  Enjoy the time with your little ones and thanks for stopping by!

Learning to Serve

 A few years back my husband began working with a great outreach program called I_HELP.  It was the emergency housing and lodging program for the city we live in. Volunteering with the boys allowed him and the kids the chance to serve the homeless dinner one night month.  They would join other families at a local church which housed the gentlemen for the night.  Details aside, it was awesome for a few years but the night came in conflict with soccer practice so we looked for other ways for the kids to serve.

Friendship Part One

I have been having a hard time writing lately due to life logistics.  Tonight I am writing when I have absolutely no business writing.   The kids have 1.5 days left of school before summer vacation so it has been crazy busy, it is late at night, I am exhausted after a emotionally draining (but awesome) women's group and a physically draining day.  But writing is a way of clarifying and processing for me, so here I find myself, drawn to the computer, compelled to put thoughts into words, into print.

Measuring Motherhood: A treatise on productivity

So many of my days seem to be filled with busyness, and yet I have nothing concrete to show for all of my hustle and bustle.  Like many parents I go to bed exhausted only to wake up and do it all over again.  I catch myself at 430 many afternoons thinking "I have to feed them dinner again? Didn't I just do that?"

I am generally okay with this hampster-on-a-wheel lifestyle because I generally enjoy the day-to-day of what I do.  Now don't get me wrong. I detest unloading the dishwasher. But I don't mind the grocery shopping and running errands and taking kids to school and tucking them in for naps and tidying things up. I love knowing that every single thing I do during the day while the kids and husband are gone, means that is one less thing we have to deal with at night or on the weekend, freeing us up for other adventures together (like yard work? Yeah, often).